FRIDAY FACE-OFFS returns TOMORROW! Get READY!

Greetings from my friends’ wine store! Here are two recent articles about my artisanal pencil-sharpening business:

1. GOTHAMIST
2. NEW YORK OBSERVER

Please note: My pencil-sharpening book will be published in April. I hope you will buy it!

LOLLYGAGGIN’, the little comedy show that could, celebrates its first anniversary this Thursday!

Please join me for my annual performance review. Guests will include JOHN HODGMAN, EMMY BLOTNICK, and more!

information is included on this computer-flyer:

Here it is: The list you’ve been waiting for; the list that defines an era. The “List of Lists;” the list that makes you giddy; the only list you need. The BEST list.

It’s time to reveal my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

You see, 2011 was an amazing year for cars and trucks. If you needed to get from Point A to Point B, and the two points were connected by a road, there was basically one option: Hop in a car or truck and drive from Point A to Point B. Then get out of the car or truck, and pat it on the hood and say, “Thanks buddy.”

Here is my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

10. Blue cars

9. Dumptrucks

8. Big strong trucks

7. That car

6. Police cars

5. That one truck that looks like that other truck

4. Your friend’s car

3. (tie) Convertibles/Tractor-trailers

2. Amazing trucks

1. My car

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS THE LAST LIST OF 2011. Thanks for reading my lists, and have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve. I will look forward to interacting with you in 2012.
Best regards,
mnftiu.cc

Here it is, guys: THE BIG ONE.

The best food/meals of 2011, all in one amazing video!

What a year for theatre! 2011 boasted Broadway musicals, off-Broadway plays, and off-off-Broadway art-disasters … and that was just in New York City! Surely we live in the midst of a golden age of theatre, but on the other hand some people don’t even go to the theatre, so America when did we lose our way?

One thing is certain: When this nation is ready to find its way again, it will turn to its oldest friend, its noblest ally, and its greatest inspiration: THE THEATRE.

So let’s put on our costumes, dim the lights, and take the stage! And now, it’s time for 2011 to take a bow. Break a leg, 2012! Here is the BEST OF THEATRE IN 2011:

10. Movie theatres

9. IMAX

8. Community theatre

7. Summer stock

6. Auditoriums

5. Theatre in the round

4. Black box theatres

3. Stadium seating

2. Modern theatres

1. Incredible theatre!

If there’s one thing we love more than umbrellas, it’s UMBRELLA MISHAPS. There’s just something about watching a man walk down a rainy sidewalk with his big black umbrella, and then a gust of wind blows the umbrella inside-out, and the man thrashes his umbrella and yells, “You no-good piece of shit umbrella!” It doesn’t get any better than that, as far as I’m concerned.

2011 was a great year for umbrella mishaps: From celebrities fighting with pink umbrellas, to government officials knocking over top-secret documents with their umbrellas, this was a year defined by man’s vexing relationship to his favorite rainy-time accoutrement. Sometimes it felt like all we did was laugh and shake our heads at umbrellas acting up. Defy this analysis at your peril.

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2011:

10. “The big rainstorm is coming and I can’t find my umbrella!”

9. “My umbrella just broke when you stepped on it!”

8. Wet umbrella dripping on newspaper; newspaper is now damp

7. Shaking off umbrella and spraying water on lover’s plate of spaghetti; lover throws umbrella out the window in a rage

6. Umbrella fails to open properly; user experience is compromised by exposure to rainwater along the transverse (Diagnosis: n/u4002)

5. Woman caught in thunderstorm; wind yanks umbrella out of her hand

4. “This umbrella isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

3. Attending funeral in the rain; only umbrella available is neon-pink promotional umbrella for BRATZ dolls; mourners are offended; fight breaks out; somebody accidentally falls into open grave

2. Umbrella pokes somebody’s eye out

1. Flimsy umbrellla

Now that the kids are in bed and the only people online are sophisticated grown-ups with discriminating tastes, I can unveil my latest innovation in lists: LATE-NIGHT LISTS.

Looking to add a little spice to your list-life? Look no further: These erotic, sexually charged lists are for lovers only — they are definitely not “your grandmother’s lists.”

Please note: These lists are frisky, funny, and FOR ADULTS. If you are under the age of 18, please close this browser window NOW.

Without any further ado in see-through lingerie, here are my LATE-NIGHT LISTS (Must credit mnftiu.cc, the filthiest site in the whole world)

DIRTIEST INNUENDOS OF 2011:

10. Sexual innuendos

9. Filthy innuendos

8. Double entendres

7. Adult language

6. Foreign words

5. Porno fonts

4. Late-night lists

3. Bikinis where you just look at them and say, “Girl that’s not right”

2. Dirty puns

1. “That’s not what your mom said whilst I made coitus with her”

The ancient art of “making whoopie” is as old as humanity itself. As much as we hate to admit it, none of us would be here if two people hadn’t decided to have sex for nine hours straight on satin sheets while drinking the finest champagne. Is it any wonder, then, that every year brings new innovations to the “Oldest Hobby Of All Time?”

Here is my list of the MOST SCANDALOUS SEXUAL INNOVATIONS OF 2011:

10. P.D.A. (”public displays of affection”)

9. P.D.E.L.W.M.H. (”public displays of erotic love with multiple hams”)

8. Menage-a-tron (three people in Tron costumes make love while racing glow-in-the-dark motorcycles)

7. “French-kissing Extreme” (French-kissing while eating an entire baguette; a.k.a. “Crumb-smunching”)

6. Kissing in a hot tub during a nuclear bomb explosion

5. Flirty license plates on electric cars

4. Sweatpants with dirty words on the butt

3. Dirty knock-knock jokes

2. Dirty words

1. The most dirty things you can imagine

From newspaper headlines to internet headlines, it seemed like every day of 2011 brought us a new sexual story — each more shocking than the last, until we threw up our hands and asked, “America when did we lose our way?”

Here is my list of the MOST SHOCKING SEXUAL STORIES OF 2011:

10. Political sexual stories

9. Erotic sexual stories

8. International sexual stories

7. Domestic sexual stories

6. Confusing sexual stories

5. Transportation scandals

4. Underwear with so many frills on it, it looks like your lover is wearing a wedding cake on her fanny

3. “Too much sex on TV”

2. “Too much sex at the mall”

1. “Too much sex everywhere”

DIRTIEST NUMBERS OF 2011:

10. 3,291

9. 200

8. 44.0009

7. 55

6. 7.3/2

5. .0000000000000000068

4. 100

3. 33

2. 97

1. 98

“Was that hot enough for you?” See you soon with more of my lists!

Let’s face it: They may not be glamorous, they may not be beautiful, and you might not want to eat a ham sandwich out of them, but TOILETS are important. They’re a part of our lives, and we might as well admit that 2011 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR TOILETS.

From airport bathrooms to private apartments, toilets were everywhere this year. Sometimes it seemed like there were almost too many toilets! But, of course, there can never be too many toilets — they’re just that crucial to us not going poo-poo on our floors.

So let’s put on our Toilet Hats and say thank you to 2011’s toilets: “Thank you, to the wonderful toilets.”

Here is my list of the BEST TOILETS OF 2011:

10. European toilets

9. Shiny toilets

8. Occupy toilets

7. Unknown toilets

6. Port-A-O’Potties (Irish portable toilets)

5. Sleek toilets

4. Luxury toilets

3. Midwestern toilets

2. Compost toilets

1. Ideal toilets

BOOM! Best list ever.