Best Of 2011: LATE-NIGHT LISTS

Now that the kids are in bed and the only people online are sophisticated grown-ups with discriminating tastes, I can unveil my latest innovation in lists: LATE-NIGHT LISTS.

Looking to add a little spice to your list-life? Look no further: These erotic, sexually charged lists are for lovers only — they are definitely not “your grandmother’s lists.”

Please note: These lists are frisky, funny, and FOR ADULTS. If you are under the age of 18, please close this browser window NOW.

Without any further ado in see-through lingerie, here are my LATE-NIGHT LISTS (Must credit mnftiu.cc, the filthiest site in the whole world)

DIRTIEST INNUENDOS OF 2011:

10. Sexual innuendos

9. Filthy innuendos

8. Double entendres

7. Adult language

6. Foreign words

5. Porno fonts

4. Late-night lists

3. Bikinis where you just look at them and say, “Girl that’s not right”

2. Dirty puns

1. “That’s not what your mom said whilst I made coitus with her”

The ancient art of “making whoopie” is as old as humanity itself. As much as we hate to admit it, none of us would be here if two people hadn’t decided to have sex for nine hours straight on satin sheets while drinking the finest champagne. Is it any wonder, then, that every year brings new innovations to the “Oldest Hobby Of All Time?”

Here is my list of the MOST SCANDALOUS SEXUAL INNOVATIONS OF 2011:

10. P.D.A. (“public displays of affection”)

9. P.D.E.L.W.M.H. (“public displays of erotic love with multiple hams”)

8. Menage-a-tron (three people in Tron costumes make love while racing glow-in-the-dark motorcycles)

7. “French-kissing Extreme” (French-kissing while eating an entire baguette; a.k.a. “Crumb-smunching”)

6. Kissing in a hot tub during a nuclear bomb explosion

5. Flirty license plates on electric cars

4. Sweatpants with dirty words on the butt

3. Dirty knock-knock jokes

2. Dirty words

1. The most dirty things you can imagine

From newspaper headlines to internet headlines, it seemed like every day of 2011 brought us a new sexual story — each more shocking than the last, until we threw up our hands and asked, “America when did we lose our way?”

Here is my list of the MOST SHOCKING SEXUAL STORIES OF 2011:

10. Political sexual stories

9. Erotic sexual stories

8. International sexual stories

7. Domestic sexual stories

6. Confusing sexual stories

5. Transportation scandals

4. Underwear with so many frills on it, it looks like your lover is wearing a wedding cake on her fanny

3. “Too much sex on TV”

2. “Too much sex at the mall”

1. “Too much sex everywhere”

DIRTIEST NUMBERS OF 2011:

10. 3,291

9. 200

8. 44.0009

7. 55

6. 7.3/2

5. .0000000000000000068

4. 100

3. 33

2. 97

1. 98

“Was that hot enough for you?” See you soon with more of my lists!

Best Of 2011: TOILETS

Let’s face it: They may not be glamorous, they may not be beautiful, and you might not want to eat a ham sandwich out of them, but TOILETS are important. They’re a part of our lives, and we might as well admit that 2011 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR TOILETS.

From airport bathrooms to private apartments, toilets were everywhere this year. Sometimes it seemed like there were almost too many toilets! But, of course, there can never be too many toilets — they’re just that crucial to us not going poo-poo on our floors.

So let’s put on our Toilet Hats and say thank you to 2011’s toilets: “Thank you, to the wonderful toilets.”

Here is my list of the BEST TOILETS OF 2011:

10. European toilets

9. Shiny toilets

8. Occupy toilets

7. Unknown toilets

6. Port-A-O’Potties (Irish portable toilets)

5. Sleek toilets

4. Luxury toilets

3. Midwestern toilets

2. Compost toilets

1. Ideal toilets

BOOM! Best list ever.

Best Of 2011: EXPERIENCES

They say a year is just a collection of experiences, and the best experiences are those once-in-a-lifetime extreme experiences that take your year from the “ho-hum” to the “holy shit that was fucking amazing.”

If you’re not having intense experiences every day, you’re not really alive. And no, sitting on your fat heiney while reading the internet doesn’t count. (Except for when you’re reading my lists.)

2011 was a year that cried out for experiences, and you obliged — with enthusiasm. From bungee-jumping to culture-jamming, this year saw more people living their dreams than any other year. It’s time to celebrate how much fun we all had in 2011!

Here are the top ten ESSENTIAL EXPERIENCES OF 2011:

10. Climbing a mountain

9. Having a grandchild

8. Eating at a five-star restaurant

7. Taking a bath with a celebrity

6. DJ’ing a huge L.A. dance party

5. Sailing a boat across the river

4. Doing a genealogy report about your ancestors

3. Astral projection

2. 5K charity run

1. Remembering all the great memories from the year

Best Of 2011: MAGAZINES

We hear it every day: “The magazine publishing industry is in trouble,” “Nobody buys magazines,” “I hate magazines,” “Magazines suck.” But despite these naysayers, magazines continue to thrive. Yes, that’s right: Good ol’ fashioned magazines! At one point in 2011, there were more magazines laying around people’s homes than any other year in history — and you can take that to the bank, the MAGAZINES BANK.

Here is my list of the TOP TEN MOST IMPORTANT MAGAZINE-RELATED ITEMS OF INTEREST THAT OCCURRED IN CALENDAR YEAR 2011:

10. Subscriptions

9. Color photographs

8. Long articles

7. “Honey, have you seen my magazine?”

6. The future of magazines: What is it?

5. In-flight magazines still going strong

4. Advertisements in magazines

3. Sports magazines

2. The magazine industry

1. Crossword puzzles

Best Of 2011: HARDWARE SUPPLIES

When you need to get the job done, and get it done right, you need to go to a HARDWARE STORE. From hammers to nails, sometimes it seems like hardware stores have all the SUPPLIES you need to build a house.

2010 was a great year for hardware supplies — and 2011 was even better. This was the year hardware supplies really shined. If you don’t believe 2011 was one of the best hardware-supply years, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Here is my list of the BEST HARDWARE SUPPLIES OF 2011:

10. Duct tape

9. Thermostats

8. Cement

7. (tie) Hammers, Rotary Saws

6. Vinyl Tubing

5. Lutron MA-R-WH Dimmer Assembly

4. Caulk Guns

3. 1/8″ Screws

2. Brackets

1. Construction Paper

Best Of 2011: SPORTS

There’s nothing like sports to bring out the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat inside all of us. From the baseball diamond to the tennis court, this was the year we thrilled to victory in sports — and also, we agonized over the defeat of our favorite teams. But the opposing teams’ fans thrilled to their victory. No, you haven’t lost your mind, that’s just how life works … IN SPORTS.

Here’s my list of THE YEAR IN SPORTS:

10. Baseball

9. Tennis

8. Swimming

7. Football

6. Balls

5. NCAA Basketball

4. Women’s sports

3. Running

2. The Olympics are coming

1. Victory

Best Of 2011: WORDS

A year is defined by its words, and its words are defined, in turn, by the trends and upheavals that rocked our world to its very foundation in the year of 2011, so is it any wonder 2011 saw some of the most amazing words of all time, all in the space of one single year?

Here is my list of 2011’s WORDS OF THE YEAR:

10. Slang Words
9. Internet words
8. Names
7. Verbs
6. Crazy Words
5. Words Screamed By Maniacs
4. 9-9-9
3. Different Words
2. Nouns
1. New Words

LIST FEVER: CATCH IT

Best Of 2011: SCANDALS

2011 was a year of scandal. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. Here’s a video I made for the Huffington Post counting down the BIGGEST SCANDALS OF 2011: