Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 7th Place

Ukulele Player: I just won four gold medals at the Olympics!
Banjo Player: And I just graduated from Shiny Mer-man University! How should we celebrate?
Ukulele Player: Let’s record a ramshackle version of Party in the USA.
Banjo Player: AGREED. The only problem is I don’t have time to figure out the bridge, is it okay if we just go into “yelling acapella” (sp) mode?
Ukulele Player: I hereby consent to your audacious song-hacking!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! Next song coming up next!

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 8th Place

Can you believe we’re actually having a Friday Face-Offs? I know, it’s amazing. You can thank me by sending roses and fresh corn on the cob to my bio-dome!

The address:

123 Friday Face-Offs Ave.
Unit 456
New York State, USA

Anyway, I’ve always had a soft spot for monotonous screamo versions of bubblegum pop. These guys do a pretty good job of defiling Miley Cyrus’s masterpiece:

(It’s fun to pretend this was Ms. Cyrus’s original demo of the song, and then the producers were like, “Umm, we’re thinking we should take the song in a more pop direction,” and Miley Cyrus was like, “Urrrggggghh!”)

Back to reality: The breakdown at (2:11) is insane/great/bewildering, like all good pop music. (You heard it here first: All good pop music is bewildering.) My one criticism of this recording is they should’ve kept the crazy-catchy guitar lick at the beginning of the original, because it’s crazy-catchy and would probably sound bad-ass in drop-D or whatever Spencer’s-Gifts tuning those young screamo kids are using these days.

But enough of my kvetching: There’s a party in the USA going on, and we have to get into it! FRIDAY FACE-OFFS


If you’ve been feeling despondent and sickly since April of last year, it’s probably because that was the last time I posted an installment of FRIDAY FACE-OFFS.

Friend, are you ready to feel healthy and whole again? I hope so … because Friday Face-Offs is back with a VENGEANCE!

Friday Face-Offs

Friday Face-Offs is the only internet tradition that has the vitamins and minerals you need to thrive, jive, and just plain survive in this modern era we live in called “Computer Times.”

I put a lot of thought into which songs to pick for FFO, and this week’s edition is no different. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but America has caught a case of ELECTION FEVER, with candidates talking on TV and driving around the country looking for votes and money and whatnot. It’s a grand tradition, this democracy thing, and America does it better than anyone else — probably because we are the world’s oldest democracy, dating from 1439 A.D., the year of the first election in the American colonies! (“Pilgrim Joe” vs. “Fur-trapper Bartholemew.”)

Anyway, I was thinking about the election and how it’s sort of like a big nation-wide party — after all, there’s yelling, and funny costumes, and kissing (babies), and fighting, and lies, and cheering, and every so often somebody goes nuts and takes off their clothes before throwing up and collapsing in a pool of their own sick (Newt Gingrich, usually). Basically, ELECTION 2012 is gonna be our PARTY in the country of THE USA, and that’s why …

… this week’s Friday Face-Off is “Party In The USA” by SUNN O))) Miley Cyrus!!!

You can watch the original video here:

What can I say? I used to hate this song*, but now I love it. Dr. Luke is an amazing pop producer — he always manages to “make me move my hips, like, yeah.”

Okay, so let’s get to it! FIRST VIDEO IS UP NEXT! It’s Friday Face-Offs!!!

(*Surely, referring to a thankless cab driver as “the taxi man” is one of the most condescending things a teen-pop idol can do, right? Not to mention, getting excited about a Jay-Z song after landing at LAX is blasphemous; she should’ve picked a west coast MC like Boots Riley [LOL])

Lollygaggin’ Is One Year Old!

LOLLYGAGGIN’, the little comedy show that could, celebrates its first anniversary this Thursday!

Please join me for my annual performance review. Guests will include JOHN HODGMAN, EMMY BLOTNICK, and more!

information is included on this computer-flyer:


Here it is: The list you’ve been waiting for; the list that defines an era. The “List of Lists;” the list that makes you giddy; the only list you need. The BEST list.

It’s time to reveal my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

You see, 2011 was an amazing year for cars and trucks. If you needed to get from Point A to Point B, and the two points were connected by a road, there was basically one option: Hop in a car or truck and drive from Point A to Point B. Then get out of the car or truck, and pat it on the hood and say, “Thanks buddy.”

Here is my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

10. Blue cars

9. Dumptrucks

8. Big strong trucks

7. That car

6. Police cars

5. That one truck that looks like that other truck

4. Your friend’s car

3. (tie) Convertibles/Tractor-trailers

2. Amazing trucks

1. My car

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS THE LAST LIST OF 2011. Thanks for reading my lists, and have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve. I will look forward to interacting with you in 2012.
Best regards,

Best Of 2011: THEATRE

What a year for theatre! 2011 boasted Broadway musicals, off-Broadway plays, and off-off-Broadway art-disasters … and that was just in New York City! Surely we live in the midst of a golden age of theatre, but on the other hand some people don’t even go to the theatre, so America when did we lose our way?

One thing is certain: When this nation is ready to find its way again, it will turn to its oldest friend, its noblest ally, and its greatest inspiration: THE THEATRE.

So let’s put on our costumes, dim the lights, and take the stage! And now, it’s time for 2011 to take a bow. Break a leg, 2012! Here is the BEST OF THEATRE IN 2011:

10. Movie theatres


8. Community theatre

7. Summer stock

6. Auditoriums

5. Theatre in the round

4. Black box theatres

3. Stadium seating

2. Modern theatres

1. Incredible theatre!


If there’s one thing we love more than umbrellas, it’s UMBRELLA MISHAPS. There’s just something about watching a man walk down a rainy sidewalk with his big black umbrella, and then a gust of wind blows the umbrella inside-out, and the man thrashes his umbrella and yells, “You no-good piece of shit umbrella!” It doesn’t get any better than that, as far as I’m concerned.

2011 was a great year for umbrella mishaps: From celebrities fighting with pink umbrellas, to government officials knocking over top-secret documents with their umbrellas, this was a year defined by man’s vexing relationship to his favorite rainy-time accoutrement. Sometimes it felt like all we did was laugh and shake our heads at umbrellas acting up. Defy this analysis at your peril.

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2011:

10. “The big rainstorm is coming and I can’t find my umbrella!”

9. “My umbrella just broke when you stepped on it!”

8. Wet umbrella dripping on newspaper; newspaper is now damp

7. Shaking off umbrella and spraying water on lover’s plate of spaghetti; lover throws umbrella out the window in a rage

6. Umbrella fails to open properly; user experience is compromised by exposure to rainwater along the transverse (Diagnosis: n/u4002)

5. Woman caught in thunderstorm; wind yanks umbrella out of her hand

4. “This umbrella isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

3. Attending funeral in the rain; only umbrella available is neon-pink promotional umbrella for BRATZ dolls; mourners are offended; fight breaks out; somebody accidentally falls into open grave

2. Umbrella pokes somebody’s eye out

1. Flimsy umbrellla