Best Of 2013


WELL, IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN: TIME FOR ME TO WRAP UP MY LISTS. As always, these lists have made us laugh, made us think, and just plain made us more … US. They’ve shown us the best in ourselves; the best in lists; and the best of all time with instant classics that have reignited our passion for lists, and our appreciation of the year gone by: 2013.

And so, like every year, we end with the greatest of all lists — the list that made us fall in love with lists in the first place.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor (and my deep pleasure) to present the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2013:

10. Greenish-grey cars

9. Trucks with 450-V-Block engines

8. (TIE) Cars with sunroofs / “I’m gonna let you off with a warning because I like all your bumperstickers”

7. Self-driving cars that know enough to stay in the goddamn garage, America when did we lose our way

6. (THREE-WAY TIE*) Fun cars / Trucks with hay in the back of them / “Heeeenry did you remember to drive the car?” “Yes dear”

5. Shiny cars, fresh from the car wash (Optional #5 for adult readers: “Shiny cars, fresh from the BIKINI car wash”)

4. 360 horsepower trucks with dual 4×4 suspensions

3. Simple, well-made cars

2. (TIE) Some of the best cars and trucks / Transportation

1. “Kid, you gotta be kidding me with how wonderful this car and/or truck is”


Goodbye, my list-friends! Have a nice year and I’ll see you on the internet in 2014. –David Rees

Best Of 2013: MOLECULES

LET’S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH: 2013 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR MOLECULES. Leading scientists have admitted that our exploding population has led to a radical increase of molecules that makes them very happy because they all love molecules so much.

Is it any wonder that these tiny building blocks (molecules) were THE topic of science-conversation for most of the year? At all the hottest restaurants and church function halls and NASCAR speedways and slaughterhouses and computer startup companies, when the conversation got real, it got down to molecules. And you can take that to the bank … THE MOLECULE BANK.

In fact, this was one of the hottest jokes of the year among scientists: “Hey guys, didja hear that the latest must-have fashion accessory on Donton Abbey is no longer a monocle, but a molecule?” Mama mia, what a world we live in, and it’s all made out of molecules!

So without any further delay, let’s revisit THE TOP TEN MOLECULES OF 2013:

10. Classic molecules

9. Water molecules

8. (TIE) O-C-O-O-H-C2 / “Dude, I just wanna say I really respect molecules”

7. Molecules that remind us that what unites us is stronger than what divides us

6. Party molecules at the hottest clubs

5. Vegetable and fruit molecules, gotta eat those healthy molecules

4. H-O-H-C3-O-G-O-O-H, the hottest new molecule on the scene

3. (TIE) “The Wolf of Molecule Street” / “The new pope is giving away free molecules!”

2. Atoms

1. Hall of Fame Molecules that make you happy just to see them in your microscope


LAKES AND OCEANS CONTINUED TO POST HUGE GAINS IN 2013. Whether it was news about dying sea life in oceans or boating accidents in lakes, sometimes it felt like you couldn’t go a day without hearing the latest news about lakes and oceans, a.k.a. our watery friends. Compare this to rivers and streams, which barely warranted a mention in the past twelve months. Perhaps 2014 will be for rivers and streams what 2013 was for lakes and oceans? Only time will tell.

In any event, pull on your swimsuit and take a dip into the TOP TEN LAKES AND OCEANS OF 2013:

10. Atlantic Ocean

9. Lake Erie

8. Ocean of red tape (ObamaCare)

7. (TIE) Refreshing lakes and oceans / The bottom of the ocean

6. “Did you hear the latest news about a lake? Turns out it’s ALL WET” (classic lake joke that stole our hearts in 2013)

5. Lakes that drones fly over

4. Pacific Ocean

3. Foreign lakes and oceans

2. Pollution in the waters, America when did we lose our way

1. The coolest lakes and oceans

Best Of 2013: SPAGHETTI

10. Pasta primavera

9. Penne pasta

8. Ziti spaghetti

7. Whole-wheat spaghetti

6. Nice and tasty spaghetti

5. (TIE) Wonderful spaghetti / Dry spaghetti

4. Sports spaghetti

3. (TIE) Gnocchi spaghetti / Bargain spaghetti

2. Steaming hot and fresh spaghetti

1. “Did you wash the spaghetti?”


FOR SOME OF US, THERE’S NO SWEETER SIGHT THAN A BASKET OF DAY-OLD BAKED GOODS AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD CAFE. Whether you’re a budget-conscious diner who has developed a taste for 75-cent muffins, or a carbo-loader who prefers his scones “rock-hard” just like his abs, or a gourmand who believes “stale bagels just plain taste better and I’ll beat the tar out of anyone who disagrees and mop the floor with their guts,” in 2013 we had many opportunities to partake of “the day-old sweetness.”

In fact, some bakers are privately wondering if 2013 was the best year ever for day-old baked goods. Perhaps it was the economic downturn, or maybe just people’s curiosity about day-old baked goods … but for whatever reason, those in the know are saying 2013 will go down in history as “The Year of The Day-Old” or “The Day-Old Year,” or perhaps simply “Crust Epoch 2013.”

In any event, sink your teeth into the TOP TEN DAY-OLD BAKED GOODS OF 2013:

10. Tasty day-old baked goods

9. Delicious day-old baked goods

8. Muffins wrapped in 500 yards of plastic wrap per muffin

7. Cookies with really tiny raisins like pebbles

6. “Dude you gotta try this scone … you’d never know it’s a day-old scone.”

5. Day-old bagels with fresh cream cheese

4. “I can’t believe these bargain prices for day-old baked goods”

3. (TIE) Day-old baked goods piled high in a basket / “This is the Fort Knox of old muffins, I love this coffee shop”

2. One dollar for a piece of pie

1. Day-old baked goods that are even better than fresh-baked goods

Best Of 2013: ERGONOMICS

IF THERE’S ONE THING WE LEARNED IN 2013, IT’S THAT 2013 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR ERGONOMICS. Whether it was a new kind of lumbar support, or the latest biomorphic approach to mattress design, “the Science of Human Posture” (ergonomics) had a great year in 2013 because advances in computing power, conceptual rigor, and industry-wide innovations — not to mention all the other things related to ergonomics!

Is it any wonder that the National Journal of Ergonomics recently published an editorial called “This Wonderful Year of 2013 Was the Best Year for Ergonomics We’ve Ever Seen in Our Lifetimes?” The answer would be no.

So let’s celebrate the best of the Human Body Sciences (ergonomics) with a list that won’t give you carpal tunnel syndrome: THE TOP TEN ERGONOMICS OF 2013!

10. Ergonomics of comfortable office chairs

9. Ergonomics of kitchen counters at the correct height for food preparation

8. “Memory-foam” pillows that look just as good as regular pillows

7. Contemporary ergonomics

6. (TIE) European ergonomics / Posture games

5. Ergonomics that make your day a little more comfortable

4. Ergonomics that make your headaches go away

3. Ergonomics that make you excited to do your job

2. Some of the best ergonomics we’ve ever seen



IN 2013, WHEN WE WANTED TO HAVE FUN WITH WORDS, WE REACHED FOR OUR PALINDROMES. Palindromes (words or phrases that sound the same no matter which way you say them) are a uniquely American way to celebrate our language … and our lives. There’s nothing more fun, more distinctly “USA R A US,” than describing a current event using a custom palindrome you thought of down at the corner bar with your friends. And the best thing about palindromes is: THEY’RE FREE! The only limit is your “imaginationoitanigami.”

It was a great year for palindromes; nobody can deny that. So let’s kick back, put our feet up, and enjoy this trip down memory lane with the TOP TEN PALINDROMES OF 2013.

10. Madam I’m Adam 2013

9. No Mars Rover’s over on Mars, son

8. Ragtag dude’s a dud on guitar (this was about Bob Dylan)

7. Papal pups lap up a slap

6. Elon Musk car: Noel, scum

5. Ice caps warm Mr. Aws, is space, ci! (say in Italian accent)

4. Obama, man, web .gov sux (health), the lax us .ov be wan o mama!

3. Sal, la le goog, wears awe Google Glass.

2. Pope = Pop

1. Sweater weather

Best Of 2013: RESULTS

ONE THING THAT SETS AMERICA APART FROM OTHER COUNTRIES IS OUR LOVE OF RESULTS. Whether it’s a hotly contested football game or the latest scientific research, we’re all about the final score, the takeaway, the endgame … the RESULTS. It’s why we flip to the last page of our novel to find out how the story ends; it’s why we want to know the RESULTS of our medical tests; it’s why we like to read our grandparents’ last will and testament — because once you know the RESULT, you can decide whether anything is worth doing.

Don’t believe America loves results? Take a look around: we’ve got the RESULTS to prove it! Take a look at the Hoover Dam. Take a gander at that American flag on the moon. Take a glance at the hottest American cars and trucks on the highway. Take a gaze at the American landscape … all you see is RESULTS after RESULTS after RESULTS. We get things done, and we have the results to prove it.

There were many results in 2013. From elections to Pope decisions to TV contests, it seemed every American conversation was about results this year. And so now, without any further dilly-dallying, here are the results (ha!) of my list of the TOP TEN RESULTS OF 2013:

10. Pleasant results

9. “Ooh, I like that result!”

8. Loose ends tied up perfectly

7. Unexpected result that turns out, upon reflection, to be preferable to the expected result

6. Scientific results

5. (TIE) Funny results (i.e. “Look at the pancake batter on your mustache!”) / Serious results (i.e. “My calculator gave me this result”)

4. Everything wrapped up with a big red bow on top

3. Unambiguous results

2. “You always get the coolest results and that’s why I love you”

1. The greatest results of all time

Best Of 2013: MUSIC

THEY SAY MUSIC IS THE SOUNDTRACK OF OUR LIVES, AND IN 2013 THE SOUNDTRACK WAS BETTER THAN EVER. From the latest pop hits to classic songs from days gone by, if 2013 was all about one thing, it was all about the music. And if we wanted to hum along, nobody would stop us — because everyone had music fever this year.

There were some days in 2013 when you couldn’t walk down the street without hearing new music. And if you decided to go shoe shopping? “Fugeddaboutit,” because shoe stores were playing music CONSTANTLY in 2013! Call it the magic of music, or the Spirit of 2013, or Shoe-Shopping Delight, but for whatever reason, we heard allll the good music when we were shoe shopping this year. I probably bought 45 pairs of shoes this year, just because it’s a great way to hear free music. And that’s why music was KING in 2013. Because people love good music.

Here’s my list of the BEST MUSIC OF 2013:

10. Decent music, nothing special

9. Slammin’ club hits your niece likes

8. Music where the producers are trying their hardest

7. Opera songs where everyone’s screaming and stabbing each other

6. Rap music: “I’d like to say / rap music is here to stay (in 2013) / hip hop hooray / my name is Ray” etc. etc.

5. (TIE) Cool tunes / Guitar solos where you think, “That guy must have twenty fingers!”

4. Theme music

3. (TIE) All-American music / Music that makes ya go “hmm-mm?”

2. Songs you can’t get out of your head

1. Music that goes to #1 on the charts and changes the game


IN SOME WAYS, 2013 WAS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER YEAR: When we reached for our documents, they were right where we left them … under our turtle paperweights. As the commercial used to say: “You love turtles! You love paperweights! Do the math!!!”

Need we say more? No. In that case, take a deep breath and “fasten your paperweights,” because we’re about to take a high-speed whirlwind of a joyride through 2013’s greatest turtle paperweights.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the TOP TEN TURTLE PAPERWEIGHTS OF 2013:

10. Classic turtle paperweights

9. Unusual turtle paperweights

8. Beloved family turtle paperweights

7. Sports-themed turtle paperweights (i.e. Super Bowl turtle paperweights, NCAA turtle paperweights)

6. Glass turtle paperweights

5. Multi-turtle turtle paperweights, in which an entire family (or group) of turtles is represented, rather than an individual turtle

4. (TIE) “Yo dude, I dig your new turtle paperweight, you gotta tell me where you bought it, it’s drivin’ me crazy” / Hall-of-Fame turtle paperweights

3. Some of the nicest turtle paperweights

2. America’s favorite turtle paperweights

1. World’s greatest turtle paperweights