We are gonna shut down Jamba Juice with a National Day of Prayer. Stay tuned for details!

Know hope.

No juice.

Okay, so last week I posted about Jamba Juice biting my style in their amoral quest to sell juice.

Some of my high-powered twitter friends took that ball and ran with it, and now all of the internet is lining up to support me in my war against Jamba Juice, the worst juice franchise in all of America!

Look at what all these nice people are saying.

James Urbaniak:

I’ve enjoyed many a Jamba Juice (I forgive you –ed.) so I was disappointed to learn that their current marketing campaign features a blatant ripoff of David Rees’s detournement classic Get Your War On. Rees, of course, is appropriating free stock images but the Jamba Juice campaign is not doing the same thing. They are appropriating what Rees does with those images, right down to the way he renders his word balloons. I have no idea how the case would hold up in intellectual property court and Rees says on his website he’s not interested in legal action (only a boycott). But it’s plain as day: Jamba Juice ripped him off. (My emphasis)

Okay, umm… actually I was hoping to post, like, 100 blog posts of outraged super-fans promising to march and protest until the streets run red with raspberry-grabble-berry frost, or whatever crazy-ass juice they’re selling over at Jamba Junk. But I haven’t really seen many blog posts about this insane crime yet.

So if you see a blog post re: My war with Jamba Juice, please let me know and I’ll post it here!

My goal is to make mnftiu.cc the definitive source for news about my war with Jamba Juice!

Know hope.

Oh snap, hometown heroes Merge Records are turning “XX” this year!!! (That’s the indie-rock-hobo-symbol for “20.”)

I grew up in Chapel Hill so I know all about Merge Records and all the records they put out. I even have some old 7″ singles from classic NC bands like Zen Frisbee, Bicycle Face (were they on Merge or Moist? Can’t remember), and Jodeci.

LOL, remember when Jodeci was on Merge? Those shows at the Cradle were amazing. I remember once when Bicycle Face opened up for Jodeci, that show was off the hook. (I guarantee for the .04 people who understand that joke, it is the greatest joke of all time.)

Also, remember when Erectus Monotone and Jodeci put out that split 7″ single? Amazing, both bands recorded live at Duck Kee studios, amazing session. I think Evil Weiner wanted in on the action, but the guys in Jodeci didn’t like Evil Weiner’s Christmas shows at the Hard Back Cafe and so they put the kibosh on it.

I remember that each Merge record came with a little slip of paper inside it, where Mac would type something like, “Hope everyone likes this new James Taylor single, we think it’s awesome, it’s called ‘Fire and Rain,’ pump it up and ROCK! Here’s what we’re listening to these days … (and then he’d list the most obscure pop bands on Earth and you’d feel like an idiot for not knowing what he was talking about, like, “The Feelies?” What’s that? Why are all the bands from New Zealand all of a sudden?)

Anyway, let’s celebrate Mac and Laura’s accomplishment by posting youtube videos of some of my favorite Merge jams. (Remember, as I have explained countless times, my musical knowledge basically stops at 1996.)

Here’s a classic, from one of my favorite indie rock albums:

Good ol’ Polvo. I have the version of this album with the lions on the cover that had to be recalled because they stole the image from the Mormon Church(?) or something. Anyway, I wore out that CD.

More Merge memories to come …

Justice keeps getting more and more “no.” Here are the best sentences from the winning Mitt Romney essays:

1. “The ultimate and real strength of America lies not in her military might or economic prosperity — but in her families and faith in God. American families face unprecedented attacks from higher tax burdens, welfare policies that reward illegitimacy and activist judges who want to re-define marriage.” –Runner-up Thomas Ginster (he gets a baseball signed by Mitt Romney, the lucky devil)

2. “Whatever challenges may confront us, I sense that we will triumph even still.”
–Runner-up Lt. Eric Russell (currently serving in Iraq; I guess they’ll send his signed baseball to his Forward Operating Base? Get it? “Base”-ball?)

3. “Like my father before me, I am proud to call the United States my home.”
–Can’t argue with Runner-up Yolanda Bryant!

4. “Freedom is not an end, but an on-going commitment to action … to safeguard all that is precious to us –- family, fundamental principles of truth, and a divinely-appointed duty to fight for the right.”
–Putting this on a bumper sticker TONIGHT. Credit to Runner-up Nanci Wudel, who, by the looks of her photo, is a professional freedom-essay-contest writer.

Still can’t believe these people entered the essay contest even after I explicitly told everyone on the internet not to enter. Bah!

Even MORE no justice? How much more no justice can we take? Thanks to everyone who forwarded this Jamba Juice advertisemo-tainment:

This is an online animated video about going on some kind of stupid “Jamba Juice vacation” in your cubicle.

Couple things:

1. “Bob?” You violated the first law of the GYWO clip art!!! THESE DUDES DON’T HAVE NAMES. It’s “Accounts Receivable” and “Accounts Payable” and that’s IT.

2. The clip art is public domain, of course, anyone can do anything with it … but check out the word balloons! JAMBA JUICE TOTALLY BIT MY GYWO WORD BALLOON STYLE! Rounded-edge text box with single line pointing to mouth? I developed that in 2001 using Quark XPress 4!!! THAT’S MY SHIT!!! Jamba Juice, you’re a bunch of BALLOON-BITERS.

3. First person to sue Jamba Juice on my behalf CAN KEEP ALL THE MONEY. All I care about is destroying Jamba Juice and their overpriced dumb-ass juices. EAT A PIECE OF FRUIT, you morons, you’re missing most of the fiber.

4. Whoever made this ad is probably a 22 year-old “creative” at some ad agency in Tech Valley, CA. Way to think outside the box, sonny. Have fun snorting cocaine at the nightclub you go to with your friends who work at Twitter or wherever. And no, Adult Swim will NOT buy your stupid cartoon you’re developing with your housemates about four guys who work at an ad agency but are secretly lobsters.

Goddamn, I need to get Code Pink on the case about this. I’ll take this shit to the Supreme Court and live-blog my own lawsuit. Judge Sotomayor better side with me.

BOYCOTT JAMBA JUICE!

JUICE SUCKS, DRINK WINE

(I’m going to organize a national boycott and DAY OF ACTION for next week. STAY TUNED.)

Thanks to reader SM for alerting me to the sad news: I didn’t win the Mitt Romney essay contest.

Where is justice? Did justice take a holiday? Did anyone do more to hype this contest than me? There was a $50 entry fee, you know … I probably brought in $10,000 for Romney’s Free and Strong America PAC.

Hmm, let’s take a look at the winning essay:

What does a free and strong America mean to me?

It means I have the right to follow my dreams, to strive for success, to be innovative, to do as I, the individual sees fit …

Actually, I can’t make fun of the winning essay. Know why? Because it was literally written by a child, and this blog has a “no-making-fun-of-children” policy, even when said child is probably being raised in a basement by G. Gordon Liddy.

More analyses of the winning essays to follow …

 

11:51 AM: These hearings need some PASSION, some HEAT … even the bailiff looks bored …

11:58 AM: Judge Grassley calls the first witness: “I call Ms. Sotomayor to the stand!”

11:59 AM: BAILIFF CONFISCATES NUNCHUCKS … deadly ninja fighting sticks … chaos in the courtroom … Code Pink whips out throwing stars, goes buck-wild …

12:05 PM: A new line of questioning about judicial terms from Senator Wavdljkrh: “What’s the difference between a metaphor and a simile? I have a friend who wants to know.” Sotomayor: “A metaphor is the same as a simile. Anyone who bothers to make a distinction is an idiot…” MORE CHAOS … Code Pink is screaming metaphors at the top of their lungs …

12:06 PM: Judge Grassley: “Order in the court! Order in the court!” … Looks around for his little wooden hammer (you know, that thing they knock against the desk to make everyone be quiet)… “Where’s my little wooden hammer?” … Someone says something about the 5th Amendment: “I cannot tell a lie, ask someone else…”

12:07 PM: Little wooden hammer has been found. BANG BANG BANG BANG, he’s going crazy with it …

12:10 PM: LUNCH BREAK. They ran out of pastries. I eat the rest of my butter.

12:20 PM: “As a general proposition, if the amendment is incorporated, can we get a legal ruling that says I’m the best senator?” — asked by Senator Kwepoihga. One of the cameramen rolls his eyes almost imperceptibly … but I notice … nothing escapes my live-blogging …

12:46 PM: My favorite senator, Senator Graham (Cracker, LOL), makes a great point about the Second Amendment: “America unlike a lot of other countries, has a unique relationship with the Second Amendment” (paraphrasing) … No shit, you dingbat, it’s our amendment … why would Luxembourg give a shit about the second amendment … they have their own amendments … OK, now I’m actually live-blogging … something about one of the 9/11 guys … couldn’t follow it … now he’s talking about civilian law and criminal law … “Can we hold them without trial?” (paraphrasing) … blah blah courts and laws and whatnot … Geneva convention … civilian courts … “that’s not the law. If we have a pilot in the hands of the enemy…” What happens if you don’t wear a uniform when you attack us … do they get a better deal than regular soldiers … because of the law … enemies … “passage of time” … Sotomayor is talking now … saying something about laws …

10:00 AM: Great line of questioning, I think we’re getting to the essential point of Brown Vs. Firemen …

10:02 AM: Cracking under pressure? Senator Grackle seems to have hit a nerve … cameras going crazy …

10:09 AM: Good point from Senator Msdfas: “How can you promise to interpret judicial statutes without restraint of SCOTUS law?” … Expect to hear more of this in the “spin room” …

10:12 AM: Sotomayor: “Prior conviction of habeas corpus does not preclude oscillating tort nebulae…” … expect right-wingers to have a field day with this … goes against their interpretation of the 2nd Amendment protection to privacy …

10:17 AM: Senator Uadlkjhq coming back to issue of Roe V. Wade: “Will you admit that this is the only thing that matters in the entire universe? WILL YOU ADMIT THAT???” … chaos in the chamber … Code Pink members literally performing abortions on each other in protest …

Let’s have one day where everyone in America (except Lloyd Blankfein) is on a yoga retreat!

This guy was going to take some time off between jobs and do yoga, and now he’s totally living the full-time yoga dream.

Obviously, the economy didn’t cooperate, but Mr. Odnoha doesn’t mind. Now he spends his days on the Himalayan Institute’s 400-acre wooded campus, practicing hatha yoga and meditation, studying spiritual texts, biking, walking and preparing meals in the institute’s kitchen. In exchange for his cooking duties and an annual fee of $3,000, he gets a private room, three vegetarian meals a day and unlimited access to the institute’s classes, seminars and other events.

Downward-facing Dow!

LOL, a little yoga-financial joke, there. Maybe I’ll write more and sell them to an ashram in exchange for free classes.

Thanks to everyone who came to Pete’s Candy Store last night for the financial empowerment lecture. Turnout was better than expected, so it may take awhile for everyone to receive their tote bag full of money.

I’d also like to apologize for those moments where I came down with a case of the “Jimmy Fallons.” I know I shouldn’t have giggled so much … it’s just that when I think of how much money people can make using my system, I get caught up in the spirit of laughter. So happy to share my gifts with you!

I’m going to polish my presentation and take it on the road in a big truck and hit all the towns in this great land of ours. Please let me know if you want to come along, or if you own a big truck, or if you know where all the towns are.

“Scratch-A-Million Billionaires For Life.”