10:56 PM Okay, I think those Canadians just rocked it to “The Way We Were.” I was just totally eating popcorn and grooving to it.

10:49 PM SALTINES COMMERCIAL LIVE-BLOGGING: WHy would I want a cracker that makes my soup explode all over the place like a nuclear bomb just went off in it?

10:48 PM Forget everything I just said about the Russians … I just realized the guy has a SOUL PATCH … that brings tonight’s “Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count” to 4.

10:47 PM Not into the “Love Story” theme … feels cliched, a little stale … how about figure-skating to “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that’s a romantic song with a modern feel … those big drums would lend themselves to some cool choreography … I’ll say one thing though, these Russians are BURNIN’ … if I ran a modeling agency I would sign them to a 3-year exclusive contract with 10% commission on all photoshoots and a 10% reprint clause with unlimited reprints …

10:44 PM THe ice is positively melting underneath these beautiful RUssians … dear god I love popcorn so much … oh wait, they just messed up a little …WIAH FFDSF I thought he was about to drop her … seriously, blessings and peace to all figure-skaters, please no accidents …

10:42 PM No way is that Chinese pair gonna remain in first place … dude, she totally fell all over the place! And also the commentator said they were “non-musical…” okay here come the Russians … oh man, they are soooo attractive and good-looking, and he’s wearing dress shirt and slacks like he’s on lunch break from Conde Nast, and they’re skating to “Love Story…” I predict they’re about to make it wet …

10:40 PM That was like Alexander Calder double-jointed-mobile shit!

10:38 PM whoa what the fuck was that

10:35 PM More falls from the Chinese pair. I will say, though, this violin music is jammin’. You know how sometimes a violin can sound like a butter-soaked hatchet chopping down a door? That’s what this is like … okay now they’re spinning around … now they do that thing where they’re spinning on one leg and they start crouching down … that’s one of my favorite moves … “The Chinese really do excel at throws and twists…” Zoiks, he just about threw her across the room … good thing she didn’t fall like last time, I guess she tore a ligament in her knee … can you imagine … at the OLYMPICS …

10:32 PM POPCORN I LOVE YOU POPCORN

10:31 PM Are you serious? “The Russians have won 12 straight gold medals in pairs figure skating.”

10:28 PM Canadian couple about to begin their figure skating routine. Annabelle (the female) looks like she’s 13 years old. Oh cool, they’re ice-dancing to the Grand Canyon Suite. I own it on vinyl (not to brag, but whatever). Okay, here they go … “so athletic, so determined…” OUCH, the girl just fell … a sigh from the audience … c’mon keep going … now he’s lifting her in the air, crowd cheers … all is forgiven … just have fun on the ice … one problem with this pair? I think? Is that the guy is like three feet taller than li’l Annabelle (sp) .. they look a little discombobulated … but I’ll tell you what’s not discombobulated, is Bob Costas’s pocket square, when can we see it again? Okay, enough fuckin’ around, I might be DRUNK … mad LOLs whenever I think about that pocket square … I LOVE THE OLYMPICS …

10:23 PM Okay, focus: Time for a serious piece of telejournalism about a Chinese ice skater. I’m so stoked that they opened with a Chinese proverb, b/c now I know it’s about to get soooo Chinese up in here … actually, a little personal fact about me is I went to China a few years ago with my high school friends. If we ever transfer the videos to DVD, I will post some mind-blowing footage. Anyway, back to this story: Apparently some CHinese guy is trying to teach people to ice-skate? Whatever, I don’t care. “Tell your story on the ice,” that’s what I say.

10:21 PM I think the wine just kicked in, b/c I’m totally laughing about that amazing post about the Gatorade commercial below.

10:20 PM Totally feeling this Gatorade commercial.

10:19 PM GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN EATING POPCORN

10:09 PM Gimme a minute to make this popcorn. I’ll be back in a minute. Hopefully I won’t miss any commercials, LOL.

10:08 PM Okay, not to be too much of a dork, but can I just say? If you win a gold medal at the Olymipcs? LOL, you’re probably pretty SAD. When they’re playing your national anthem and everyone from your country is singing along (“Oh Canada, we love you so much,” or whatever) are you kidding me? You’re fucking so stoked it’s not even funny.

10:05 PM Canada in the house … we’re about to hear their national theme song, called “Oh Calcutta!”

10:03 PM Hmm … is Canada going very buck-wild for their gold-medal winners, first ever Canadian gold medal winners when Canada is hosting the Olympics???

10:02 PM Okay, back to Bob Costas and his pocket square, who I am desperately trying to have “cyber-sex” with … does anyone know if twitter.com/costaspocketsquare is still active …

10:00 PM This skier is like, doing upside-down twirls and shit in honor of his brother …

9:59 PM Oh shit, get those hankies ready … a story about a Canadian skier whose brother has cerebral palsy and who inspires him … I love shit like this … Mom, if you’re reading this live-blog, you better mobilize for crazy amounts of tears and sniffles … “He’s got a wicked level of determination.” (Skier talking about his brother.) FEELING THIS …

9:57 PM That’s it, I’m definitely boycotting Morgan Freeman. Look, dude: You can make “the Bucket List,” or you can make VISA commercials, but you can’t make both.

9:56 PM Okay, let’s see what the judges give these guys, my new ice-skating heroes … (remember 10 is the best, 0 is the worst [I think]) … oh snap they just KILLED IT with a great score which I couldn’t understand … it was like 140 or something? (Isn’t a good score like 923 or something?) WAIT … Dude are you kidding me? Another commercial? I just finished watching the other commercials you showed me … Okay, here’s a commercial for “SHutter Island,” a new thriller from the mind of Martin Scorcese … it looks like a jail on an island with old people crawling around and Leonardo DiCaprio (sp) starts losing his mind … maybe I’ll see it when it opens at Fishkill Regal Cinemas, my favorite movie theatre …

9:49 PM They just did a triple-loop … we’re on some next-level ninja shit right now … Reverse Lassoo (sp) lift … one hand, one foot … “which makes it even more difficult” … music reaching a crescendo … feeling this … FEELING THIS … she’s upside-down … they’re spinning around … graceful … they’re looking into each other’s eyes … now they’re going really fast … now he’s lifting her up by her private parts … now it’s OVER!!!! CROWD GOES WILD!!!! FUCK YEAH GIVE IT UP FOR AMANDA IVORE AND MARK LADWICH (SP)

9:46 PM How can people stretch their legs when they’re flying around on ice skates? It’s amazing. “It’s amazing the things you can do these days on ice skates.” (My quote to myself.)

9:45 PM So far, so good. Somebody better step up and pay these kids’ mortgage … Hodgman I’m looking at you …

9:44 PM Fuck yeah, we’re getting some economic/class analysis goin’ down!!! These American figure-skaters are struggling with the mortgage. I’m about to root my ass off for them … I hope their routine is set to Billy BRagg songs …

9:43 PM I just got confused by a car commercial. That’s how old I am. Can you have wi-fi in a car???

9:41 PM I always like how the figure skaters seem so graceful and calm and effortless, and then the announcer interviews them and they’re panting like they just wrestled a bear to death.

9:40 PM Bob Costas was NOT happy about that ice situation I just mentioned. He said it was “unacceptable” and that he was going to “talk to my pocket square about the situation and maybe it’ll jump out of my pocket and go buck-wild and murder some motherfuckers.” (Just kidding about that second quote.)

9:39 PM Pretty cute Tropicana commercial. <-----LAMEST THING EVER TYPED? 9:37 PM Dude, they had to delay the 500M ice-skating race b/c some idiots couldn’t figure out how to make the ice smooth or something … total fuck-up on behalf of the ice technicians … you gotta be kidding me! C’mon Olympics, are you trying to win a gold medal in fucking up? They didn’t shave the ice or something … On the other hand, I’m like: “Dudes, it’s fuckin’ ICE. Just skate on it. It’s not like you’re gonna hit a rock or a bagel or something.”

9:35 PM ANybody know if Bob Costas’s pocket square has a facebook account? Because I’m feeling it.

9:31 PM Okay lemme try this wine real quick.

9:30 PM OH my GOD would everyone please stop snowboarding?

9:28 PM I’m old-school. There should be three Olympics events: 1.) Figure skating 2.) Skiing racing 3.) Ice running. THE END.

9:27 PM This event isn’t worth the snow it’s printed on.

9:26 PM Live from Cypress Mountain … the Olympics present: WHAT? More goddamn “Snowboard Cross,” the biggest fake-ass Olympics event ever??? Wanna know why I know this isn’t a real sport? Because dude is wearing BLUE JEANS. WHy don’t you eat a cheesesteak while you’re at it?

9:23 PM I’ll tell you who’s gonna win the gold medal for “most commercials”: THE OLYMPICS

9:22 PM You know what? I’m considering boycotting Morgan Freeman. Ironic, isn’t it, considering he just portrayed Nelson Mandela, a man whose country was itself the object of multiple boycotts? Gold medal in irony, I just won!!!

9:21 PM Now I’m watching in iPHone commercial. Waitaminute, it’s a Samsung phone.

9:19 PM The people just finished ice skating. Time for a commercial featuring Rascal Flatts.

9:19 PM Finished the last of the merlot; moving on to the 2008 Pelta Valencia.

9:16 PM WHy aren’t the announcers commenting on the figure skating? This is weird. I like it when they analyze everything: “Here comes the triple-axle … and … BEAUTIFUL! That will be worth 3 points from the judges.” I can’t sit here and watch these people skate around and not know if they’re doing a good job or not …

9:14 PM Wait a minute: Is this all pre-recorded? Am I live-blogging a bunch of pre-recorded stuff? I thought this was live!!!

9:13 PM Goddamn, NBC just flashed so much figure-skating data on the screen, my head started hurting.

9:12 PM Thank god, figure skating. This is what I was waiting for.

9:10 PM Oh snap, Bob Costas just called out his outfit and his guest’s outfit! “We look like the glee club at a boarding school,” oh shit, he must be reading my live-blog … much love to you BOb Costas you always look great!

9:09 PM You gotta be kidding me, they’re doing a special report about tight finishes in the Olypmics, about how things are measured in 1/100ths of a second? WHo cares, man? “If you can’t measure it with a sundial, it’s bullshit,” that’s what I say … I think everyone who finishes within 10 seconds of each other should be considered a tie … Yeah, I said it: PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE OLYMPICS

9:07 PM Bob Costas is back … sitting at a desk this time … talking to some guy with wrinkles … he’s wearing a blazer with a vest … I like that style, actually. AND a tie. Very preppy look, but it works for this guy. Bob Costas’ pocket square is still jammin’ so hard …

9:06 PM STARS HOLLOW FOR LIFE

9:05 PM Not feeling this new Gilmore Girls rip-off starring Lauren Graham (sp) from original G.G. …

9:03 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count: 3

9:02 PM Okay, this is the third Snowboard Cross race event in a row. I’m getting bored. (Or should I say, “board,” given that the event features boards?)

9:01 PM That Lou Reed commercial again! What in the world?

9:00 PM “How do you stop a killer who’s still in jail?” A thought-provoking question from a movie commercial I just saw.

8:59 PM They’ve got Morgan Freeman recounting classic Olympics moments, but his voice is such a cliche now, I can’t get excited. Plus he’s doing it for VISA, an evil financial-services company … THUMBS DOWN, MORGAN FREEMAN.

8:58 PM Oh shit they’re doing more Snowboard Cross racing! Helmet cam, are you kidding me? Will wonders never cease. I think the Russian is winning … okay they all just made a jump … this is like the quarterfinals or something, ANOTHER WIPE-OUT??? No, he recovered– thanks to his snowboard. Goddamn some dude just flew through the air like a maniac on his snowboard … photo finish … “too close to call” … people are yelling and cheering … first place goes to … waiting … waiting … where are the results … come on … who won the snowboard race? … waiting … “barely a quarter of a board-length…” the Austrians won the race … “an explosive semi-final!”

8:55 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count so far: 2.

8:54 PM I thought this was called Snowboard, but it’s called “Snowboard Cross.” OMG it’s like a snowboard race with multiple dudes going all at the same time! … SOMEBODY FELL … our thoughts are with his feet and ankles … the snowboarders are flying through the air … one guy is way out front … I think he’s American … I get it: It’s like surfing, but with snow. I understand. Okay, two Americans were eliminated but two will advance in this event.

8:53 PM Whoa, they just put some statistics in an ice cube!

8:52 PM SNowboarding! This should be good … a hot new sport … I’ve never watched it before …

8:50 PM Why is California making a commercial about itself? Nobody’s trying to move to your broke-ass state that’s always on fire.

8:49 PM Dude, unless they do ice-dancing or downhill skiing, I’m not trying to watch polar bears right now … put one on a snow board and crank up the Slipknot, then maybe I’d pay attention. Dude, what if we found out that polar bears’ favorite band was Slipknot? That would be trippy. (SLipknot is that band where they all wear scary masks, it’s kind of like Blue Man Group meets Limp Bizkit.) Another thing I thought of today was, if you like Monopoly but you hate the letter “O,” they should make a special version of that game for you called “Manapaly.” OMG live-blogging is INCREDIBLE … Now Bob Costas is talking about endangered polar bears: “THey wander around town? Cute and adorable as they are, you don’t want to cross their path.” No ladies and gentlemen, he’s not talking about the Kardashians, he’s talking about polar bears! LOL rimshot FTW Olympics up in the house!!! Uh-oh I think I just finished the merlot …

8:43 PM Bob Costas is interviewing some lady about Canada. Excuse me, I’m not trying to read WIkipedia, I’m trying to watch people mess around in the snow and win medals … BORRRRING …

8:42 PM There’s gonna be a show where famous people learn their ancestors were losers … on NBC … just saw the promo!!!

8:41 PM Absolutely not feeling this Olympics tie-in to some dumb Dreamworks CGI movie …

8:40 PM Bob Costas in the house! I didn’t know he was still broadcasting. Looks pretty old, LOL. Love this guy. Pocket square looks positively psychedelic.

8:39 PM Bode Miller wins Bronze. “I was pretty nervous this morning. That’s not unusual for me.” I feel you, brah.

8:38 PM IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MEN’S SKIING EVENT, I’M CONFUSED.

8:37 PM This wine is so good, I can’t even tell when I’m being sarcastic.

8:37 PM It’s amazing how TV commercials can tell an entire story in just a few seconds.

8:36 PM Loving this McDonald’s commercial. My mom would be mad crying right now … she loves commercials like this …

8:35 PM Defago wins the gold in men’s skiing.

8:34 PM WIPE-OUT … we have a wipe-out … RObby Dixon just fell down on his skis … our prayers go out to his family …

8:32 PM Oh no, Cuche (my new fave) couldn’t pull it off … 6th place … anyway I like him the best because he’s a little older than everyone and that’s how I feel sometimes … “Old men can still rock!” I’m gonna get that printed on a shirt.

8:30 PM Dudes we got an old man on the slopes … 35 years old … you know I’m rooting for this guy … his name is D. Cuche … RIP IT BRAH!!! “He learned the value of hard work … his family lived on a farm…” DO this, do this … “still very much in the mix …” C’mon dude, make that snow fly!!!

8:29 PM GOddamn I’m live-blogging the hell out of these Olympics!

8:28 PM Arrrgh when can we hold the Overratedbandolympics? Velvet Underground will sweep with 100 gold medals.

8:27 PM Lou Reed song in an AT&T commercial? When can we all admit that guy’s a total fraud?

8:26 PM This Stephen Vincent merlot is drinking really well. Not too fruity; perfect for the snow! (Hardcore mnftiu-headz know merlot is my gold-medal pick for the Wino-lympics.)

8:25 PM Defago just took the lead. Now he’s screaming and whooping like a maniac.

8:24 PM SNOW FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY

8:22 PM Now Didier Defago is skiing in the snow. He’s the guy in the red snowsuit.

8:21 PM The Olympics are going great!!!

8:18 PM Commercial live-blog: Looks like there’s gonna be a new Gilmore Girls or something? Huh.

8:15 PM Bodie for the gold in cop-car-window-kicking-out-ing:

One of the most exciting scenes of the entire Olympics. Goosebumps!

8:14 PM Bode Miller takes the lead in men’s downhill ski-racing!!!

8:12 PM Bode Miller is racing downhill on skis. Whenever the announcer says “Bode,” I imagine he’s talking about Bodie from the Wire.

Here are some of the best possible scores for ice skating:

1. 10.0
2. 9.7
3. 9.5
4. 9.0
5. 8.9
6. 8.6
7. 8.0
8. 7.5

Keep these in mind when you’re watching the Olympics!

Here’s a patented MNFTIU Olympics Data Point:

“Fastest Winter Vehicles”

1. Luge
2. Toboggan
3. Sled
4. Skis
5. Ice Skates
6. Snowboard
7. Snowshoes
8. Curling
9. Skillet Toss

The Olympics are underway in snowy Canada. The 2010 Vancouver Olympics will go down in history as the most entertaining Olympics that have ever been known. We wish success and blessings to all the athletes, even those who choose to compete against our nation.

Keeping up with the Olympics can be overwhelming. But if you take your time and pay attention, you can find the Olympics to be a rewarding experience in your life, creating memories for you to savor in your superannuated decrepitude.

Follow these tips:

1. Points and grades: Learn how to score Olympic events. Whether it’s a clock (used in a race), or a judge (used in figure-skate-dancing), or a grading scale (used in ski-racing), you won’t know who won if you don’t know how to interpret the various measurements. Learn them all.

2. Cars and trucks: The Winter Olympics are a great occasion to look at various cars and trucks that you don’t see in regular environments. Because there’s so much snow and ice at the Olympics, you’ll probably see vehicles outfitted with special snow-related-thing-a-ma-bobs, like snow tires and snow camouflage, etc. It’ll be great, when you’re looking at them on your TV and talking to your friends about them, like, “Did you see that one truck in the background with the funky windshield wipers? I bet those are for ice storms.”

3. Athletes. Learn the personal stories of all the athletes so you can give a shit when they win a medal or fall down or whatever.

4. Medal count. Which country is the best? Which country will dominate this new decade? There’s only one way to find out: How many medals they win at the Olympics. Take a big sheet of paper and write down the name of every country on earth and then make a grid and check off how many medals each country wins and then you’ll know who’s the best!

More tips soon …

BREAKING … I never blog on the weekends, but this is an EMERGENCY … I’m in the wine shop! Repeat: I am in the wine shop!

It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend … get that wine!

We have three bottles open for tasting:

1. An Italian white wine called Fallegro! (It’s good, I tasted it!)

2. A Bordeaux called Marquis de Calon from France! (It’s good, I tasted it! In fact, it’s REALLY good! Don’t sleep on this wine!)

3. A dessert wine from Spain that is really good and guess what? “Y’all know me”: I drank it.

Three delicious wines, all perfect for Valentine’s Day … come buy some bottles for your LOVAH … and get those kisses that are comin’ to you.

Our movement to hold the KSM Terror Trial in Newburgh is picking up steam … check out this email from a journalist who works for a local Hudson river valley paper:

Just picked up on your blogging about Newburgh. I work at [PUBLICATION REDACTED] across the river. Thought you should know: the (Newburgh) courthouse would be a better location than the dollar store for the trial, mostly because two years ago they found a bunch of bones underneath it …

Okay, so now I’m torn. I’m still pushing for “Dollar-Store Justice,” but part of me does want to see KSM in the courthouse. Maybe we could just try his beard at the courthouse, and keep the rest of him at the dollar store? Any ideas?

Know hope. Know justice. Know bargains.

All terror trials $1 or less!

I told my friend JV about my campaign to bring the KSM trial to Newburgh and he said that if we ever team up to write a movie about the trial, it should be called “Judgment at Newburgh.”