10:56 PM Okay, I think those Canadians just rocked it to “The Way We Were.” I was just totally eating popcorn and grooving to it.
10:49 PM SALTINES COMMERCIAL LIVE-BLOGGING: WHy would I want a cracker that makes my soup explode all over the place like a nuclear bomb just went off in it?
10:48 PM Forget everything I just said about the Russians … I just realized the guy has a SOUL PATCH … that brings tonight’s “Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count” to 4.
10:47 PM Not into the “Love Story” theme … feels cliched, a little stale … how about figure-skating to “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that’s a romantic song with a modern feel … those big drums would lend themselves to some cool choreography … I’ll say one thing though, these Russians are BURNIN’ … if I ran a modeling agency I would sign them to a 3-year exclusive contract with 10% commission on all photoshoots and a 10% reprint clause with unlimited reprints …
10:44 PM THe ice is positively melting underneath these beautiful RUssians … dear god I love popcorn so much … oh wait, they just messed up a little …WIAH FFDSF I thought he was about to drop her … seriously, blessings and peace to all figure-skaters, please no accidents …
10:42 PM No way is that Chinese pair gonna remain in first place … dude, she totally fell all over the place! And also the commentator said they were “non-musical…” okay here come the Russians … oh man, they are soooo attractive and good-looking, and he’s wearing dress shirt and slacks like he’s on lunch break from Conde Nast, and they’re skating to “Love Story…” I predict they’re about to make it wet …
10:40 PM That was like Alexander Calder double-jointed-mobile shit!
10:38 PM whoa what the fuck was that
10:35 PM More falls from the Chinese pair. I will say, though, this violin music is jammin’. You know how sometimes a violin can sound like a butter-soaked hatchet chopping down a door? That’s what this is like … okay now they’re spinning around … now they do that thing where they’re spinning on one leg and they start crouching down … that’s one of my favorite moves … “The Chinese really do excel at throws and twists…” Zoiks, he just about threw her across the room … good thing she didn’t fall like last time, I guess she tore a ligament in her knee … can you imagine … at the OLYMPICS …
10:32 PM POPCORN I LOVE YOU POPCORN
10:31 PM Are you serious? “The Russians have won 12 straight gold medals in pairs figure skating.”
10:28 PM Canadian couple about to begin their figure skating routine. Annabelle (the female) looks like she’s 13 years old. Oh cool, they’re ice-dancing to the Grand Canyon Suite. I own it on vinyl (not to brag, but whatever). Okay, here they go … “so athletic, so determined…” OUCH, the girl just fell … a sigh from the audience … c’mon keep going … now he’s lifting her in the air, crowd cheers … all is forgiven … just have fun on the ice … one problem with this pair? I think? Is that the guy is like three feet taller than li’l Annabelle (sp) .. they look a little discombobulated … but I’ll tell you what’s not discombobulated, is Bob Costas’s pocket square, when can we see it again? Okay, enough fuckin’ around, I might be DRUNK … mad LOLs whenever I think about that pocket square … I LOVE THE OLYMPICS …
10:23 PM Okay, focus: Time for a serious piece of telejournalism about a Chinese ice skater. I’m so stoked that they opened with a Chinese proverb, b/c now I know it’s about to get soooo Chinese up in here … actually, a little personal fact about me is I went to China a few years ago with my high school friends. If we ever transfer the videos to DVD, I will post some mind-blowing footage. Anyway, back to this story: Apparently some CHinese guy is trying to teach people to ice-skate? Whatever, I don’t care. “Tell your story on the ice,” that’s what I say.
10:21 PM I think the wine just kicked in, b/c I’m totally laughing about that amazing post about the Gatorade commercial below.
10:20 PM Totally feeling this Gatorade commercial.
10:19 PM GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN EATING POPCORN
10:09 PM Gimme a minute to make this popcorn. I’ll be back in a minute. Hopefully I won’t miss any commercials, LOL.
10:08 PM Okay, not to be too much of a dork, but can I just say? If you win a gold medal at the Olymipcs? LOL, you’re probably pretty SAD. When they’re playing your national anthem and everyone from your country is singing along (“Oh Canada, we love you so much,” or whatever) are you kidding me? You’re fucking so stoked it’s not even funny.
10:05 PM Canada in the house … we’re about to hear their national theme song, called “Oh Calcutta!”