Olympics Wine-Blogging, Part III

10:03 PM Hmm … is Canada going very buck-wild for their gold-medal winners, first ever Canadian gold medal winners when Canada is hosting the Olympics???

10:02 PM Okay, back to Bob Costas and his pocket square, who I am desperately trying to have “cyber-sex” with … does anyone know if twitter.com/costaspocketsquare is still active …

10:00 PM This skier is like, doing upside-down twirls and shit in honor of his brother …

9:59 PM Oh shit, get those hankies ready … a story about a Canadian skier whose brother has cerebral palsy and who inspires him … I love shit like this … Mom, if you’re reading this live-blog, you better mobilize for crazy amounts of tears and sniffles … “He’s got a wicked level of determination.” (Skier talking about his brother.) FEELING THIS …

9:57 PM That’s it, I’m definitely boycotting Morgan Freeman. Look, dude: You can make “the Bucket List,” or you can make VISA commercials, but you can’t make both.

9:56 PM Okay, let’s see what the judges give these guys, my new ice-skating heroes … (remember 10 is the best, 0 is the worst [I think]) … oh snap they just KILLED IT with a great score which I couldn’t understand … it was like 140 or something? (Isn’t a good score like 923 or something?) WAIT … Dude are you kidding me? Another commercial? I just finished watching the other commercials you showed me … Okay, here’s a commercial for “SHutter Island,” a new thriller from the mind of Martin Scorcese … it looks like a jail on an island with old people crawling around and Leonardo DiCaprio (sp) starts losing his mind … maybe I’ll see it when it opens at Fishkill Regal Cinemas, my favorite movie theatre …

9:49 PM They just did a triple-loop … we’re on some next-level ninja shit right now … Reverse Lassoo (sp) lift … one hand, one foot … “which makes it even more difficult” … music reaching a crescendo … feeling this … FEELING THIS … she’s upside-down … they’re spinning around … graceful … they’re looking into each other’s eyes … now they’re going really fast … now he’s lifting her up by her private parts … now it’s OVER!!!! CROWD GOES WILD!!!! FUCK YEAH GIVE IT UP FOR AMANDA IVORE AND MARK LADWICH (SP)

9:46 PM How can people stretch their legs when they’re flying around on ice skates? It’s amazing. “It’s amazing the things you can do these days on ice skates.” (My quote to myself.)

9:45 PM So far, so good. Somebody better step up and pay these kids’ mortgage … Hodgman I’m looking at you …

9:44 PM Fuck yeah, we’re getting some economic/class analysis goin’ down!!! These American figure-skaters are struggling with the mortgage. I’m about to root my ass off for them … I hope their routine is set to Billy BRagg songs …

9:43 PM I just got confused by a car commercial. That’s how old I am. Can you have wi-fi in a car???

9:41 PM I always like how the figure skaters seem so graceful and calm and effortless, and then the announcer interviews them and they’re panting like they just wrestled a bear to death.

9:40 PM Bob Costas was NOT happy about that ice situation I just mentioned. He said it was “unacceptable” and that he was going to “talk to my pocket square about the situation and maybe it’ll jump out of my pocket and go buck-wild and murder some motherfuckers.” (Just kidding about that second quote.)

9:39 PM Pretty cute Tropicana commercial. <-----LAMEST THING EVER TYPED? 9:37 PM Dude, they had to delay the 500M ice-skating race b/c some idiots couldn’t figure out how to make the ice smooth or something … total fuck-up on behalf of the ice technicians … you gotta be kidding me! C’mon Olympics, are you trying to win a gold medal in fucking up? They didn’t shave the ice or something … On the other hand, I’m like: “Dudes, it’s fuckin’ ICE. Just skate on it. It’s not like you’re gonna hit a rock or a bagel or something.”

9:35 PM ANybody know if Bob Costas’s pocket square has a facebook account? Because I’m feeling it.

9:31 PM Okay lemme try this wine real quick.

9:30 PM OH my GOD would everyone please stop snowboarding?

9:28 PM I’m old-school. There should be three Olympics events: 1.) Figure skating 2.) Skiing racing 3.) Ice running. THE END.

9:27 PM This event isn’t worth the snow it’s printed on.

9:26 PM Live from Cypress Mountain … the Olympics present: WHAT? More goddamn “Snowboard Cross,” the biggest fake-ass Olympics event ever??? Wanna know why I know this isn’t a real sport? Because dude is wearing BLUE JEANS. WHy don’t you eat a cheesesteak while you’re at it?

9:23 PM I’ll tell you who’s gonna win the gold medal for “most commercials”: THE OLYMPICS

9:22 PM You know what? I’m considering boycotting Morgan Freeman. Ironic, isn’t it, considering he just portrayed Nelson Mandela, a man whose country was itself the object of multiple boycotts? Gold medal in irony, I just won!!!

9:21 PM Now I’m watching in iPHone commercial. Waitaminute, it’s a Samsung phone.

9:19 PM The people just finished ice skating. Time for a commercial featuring Rascal Flatts.

9:19 PM Finished the last of the merlot; moving on to the 2008 Pelta Valencia.

9:16 PM WHy aren’t the announcers commenting on the figure skating? This is weird. I like it when they analyze everything: “Here comes the triple-axle … and … BEAUTIFUL! That will be worth 3 points from the judges.” I can’t sit here and watch these people skate around and not know if they’re doing a good job or not …