Attention Hudson Valley readers … we’re planning another comedy show in Beacon … watch this space for details … all best wishes from David Rees …

Many of you remember my obsession with charting the various Golden Ages of Talkingpointsmemo.com.

I haven’t followed TPM as closely in the past year, but I re-activated my ol’ “TPM-refresh-finger” during the MA election and I gotta say–I feel a new Golden Age coming on. Josh Micah Marshall is SO PISSED about Coakley’s loss and the Congressional Democrats’ punk-ass reaction (ie, “Let’s give up on health-care reform as soon as possible”). JMM ain’t having it.

And now, this dispatch from JMM re: TPM’s editorial meeting:

We’re currently having our daily afternoon editorial meeting. And man, I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much sarcasm, biting comments and just hilarity of a painful sort. Mainly coming from me.

Oh, snap! NEW GOLDEN AGE THROWING DOWN STARTING NOW. Fuck it, let’s do this. I’ve got a half a mind to start making political cartoons again. If JMM is suiting up, maybe I will too!

GOLDEN AGE

Hello everyone.

This week’s PUNCHLINE POLL has just been posted over at True/Slant. This week’s joke is called “Martha Coakley Goes Bowling.”

Please read the joke and vote for your favorite punchline! Last week’s winning punchline (“I’m a douchebag”) seems to be a strong incumbent … can it survive another week?

Vote early, vote often! The fate of Massachusetts-electoral-politics-themed jokes rests in your hands.

Dexter Romweber and a fire truck for the kids to climb on??? “This must be just like living in paradise.”

I assume you’ve already heard Pat Robertson blame the people of Haiti for the earthquake:

It seems that years ago the Haitians wanted to be free of French colonialists, so they “got together” and swore a nationwide pact with the Devil, and the Devil agreed, saying: “Okay, it’s a deal.” And sure enough, the Devil tricked the French into leaving Haiti. Everything worked out, right? Wrong. This week the Devil sent an earthquake to punish the descendants of the Haitians who made a pact with him years ago. Or maybe God sent the earthquake, to punish the Devil. In any case, Robertson’s point is: it’s bad when nation-states enter into legally binding agreements with Satan.

Let’s set aside whether or not Pat Robertson’s earthquake theory is true (how would I know? I’m not a theologian). My question is: isn’t it a little gauche to propose it the day after the earthquake?

If Pat Robertson’s theory is true and Haitians have only themselves to blame for the earthquake, why not just table that discussion? Maybe for a week. Or a month. Or at least until the death toll is calculated, so you’ll know exactly how much blood is on the hands of those Satan-loving Haitians.

It just seems like Robertson’s theory would be more likely to gain a respectful hearing on, say, the one-year anniversary of the earthquake, rather than the one-day anniversary.

It reminds me of the aftermath of 9/11, when Robertson (with Jerry Falwell) went on TV and blamed the terror attacks on pagans and lesbians and the ACLU:

This was two days after the attacks. And again, maybe Robertson’s theory was correct– maybe God did allow 9/11 because Americans were becoming too secular and weren’t discriminating against gays enough. How would I know? I’m not St. Thomas Aquinas. In fact, since I have no interest in religion, I don’t think it’s my place to weigh in on God’s and/or Satan’s rationales for causing earthquakes and terror attacks. (Or floods or epidemics or the continued good health of certain televangelists for that matter.)

My only point is: If you want people to believe your theory, why not wait until emotions have cooled before proposing it? Trumpeting your theory in the immediate aftermath of the trauma seems a little sadistic– almost as if you enjoy rubbing people’s noses in their own misfortune.

Hey gang,

I’m taking a break from playing “Mafia Wars”* on Facebook to remind you that this week’s Punchline Poll (“Jay Leno Will Take Your Job”) is still open! You still have time to vote (multiple times) for your favorite punchline.

You can cast your vote here.

The winning punchline advances to next week’s joke!

Thanks for your support of democracy,
David Rees
“Mr. Facebook Guy”

(*Just kidding. I’m not playing Mafia Wars. What is it, anyway? It’s scary. I guess it’s a Facebook game where you cyber-stalk people and then kill them with an animated gif? I can’t figure it out.)

1. Roger Ailes was interviewing Sarah Palin for a job at Fox News. “According to your resume, you left your last position as Governor of Alaska due to ‘philosophical differences’ with your employer. Could you explain?” “Y’see Mr. Ailes,” said Palin, “I became philosophically opposed to doing actual work instead of flying around in a private jet wearing fancy clothes and basking in the adulation of idiots.” “Oh, I didn’t mean that,” replied Ailes. “I meant, explain how you learned how to spell ‘philosophical.'”

2. A producer was giving Sarah Palin a tour of the Fox News studio. He pointed out the coffee machine, the restrooms, and the temperature-controlled pool where Glenn Beck’s tears are harvested. “Where’s the indoor dog track?” asked Palin. The producer was confused: “Indoor dog track?” “Yeah, I’ve heard dogs panting since I got here,” replied Palin. “Ah,” the producer said, “those aren’t panting dogs; it’s Bill Kristol. It means he’s excited to see you.”

3. Why did Sarah Palin cross the road?
Because there was an opportunity to make an ass of herself on the other side.

4. Sarah Palin was sitting in the Fox News green room, waiting to participate in another panel discussion. She had all her resources spread out in front of her: The latest issue of “Lapham’s Quarterly;” a recent Human Rights Watch report on the security situation in Afghanistan; and a dog-eared copy of Burke’s “Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents.” (That’s it. That’s the joke.)

5. Roger Ailes watched from the Fox News control booth as Sarah Palin and Juan Williams sat on a panel discussion. First Palin said something stupid; then Williams said something stupid; then Palin said something that wasn’t even an expression of a cognitive state– it was just vowel-sounds and burbling noises. “I love this woman,” said Roger Ailes.

6. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sarah Palin.
So THAT explains why Rich Lowry is masturbating in my rhododendrons!

7. Sarah Palin was scheduled to appear on Fox News to use her mouth to make sounds. She arrived on set. “Where’s the other chair?” she asked. “What other chair?” asked the producer. Sarah Palin rolled her eyes: “Duh, the chair for Lynn Vincent, who tells me what to say when the movie camera is looking at me. By the way, there’s no gays working here, right?”

8. What do you call someone who expects to learn something about a topic by hearing Sarah Palin discuss it on Fox News?
You call them a cab! And then you tell the cabdriver to take that person to the State Hospital for the Mentally Insane, because they pose a danger to themselves and to our civil society– and if they protest and say, “You can’t institutionalize me just because I like how the pretty lady talks about terrorism and the economy,” you hit them over the head.

9. Timmy was watching Fox News with his grandpa. “You see, Timmy, these guys tell the truth. They don’t spin the news,” said Grandpa. Timmy said, “But, Grandpa, mommy says this channel is for sexually frustrated warmongering ideologues.” “Be quiet– the Life Alert commercial is on!” yelled Grandpa as his hands slid beneath the blanket on his lap.

10. What did the ghost of William F. Buckley, Jr. say when he saw Sarah Palin on Fox News?
I wish I was still alive, so I could call a press conference and blow my head off.

BONUS JOKE:

One day Sarah Palin made a trenchant, well-informed point on Fox News and thereby, however imperceptibly, improved the quality of discourse and collective intelligence of our great nation.

An email from a female internet user (didn’t know such a thing existed) has inspired me:

You seem nuts and it’s awesome! I’m [REDACTED]’s friend and I was complaining about being bored of the internet already at 6 in the morning and he said something about an unstoppable new fighting technique and now I wanna be your FACEBOOK FRIEND!

Aw yeah

Unfortunately I’m a girl.

Oh well

Okay, for this week only, female internet users can sign up for shifts in the MNFTIU Facebook sausage factory. Please bring your own hairnet and please be ready to discuss these topics:

1. Cans of beer, and how fun it is to drink too many of them
2. Are the Lions gonna beat the Bengals in the AFC East?
3. Remember that one night when Fat Tony ate 23 slices of pizza, and the last slice was sticking out of his throat and we were throwing peanuts at it?
4. When is Fangoria magazine gonna release a coffee table book?
5. Will Alex Rodriguez get a .452 RBI before the World Series goes on HD and can I get nachos with that?

Hey everybody! Hope you’re having a good day. Anyway, we’ve just posted the latest PUNCHLINE POLL over at true/slant. Please take a moment to read the joke (“Jay Leno Will Take Your Job”) and vote on your favorite punchline!

Polls close next Friday. Vote early, vote often. (But please, don’t write computer scripts that keep auto-voting; this poll is open to humans only. Call the UN if you think that’s unfair.) Thanks so much for participating in our democratic system!

Longtime blog-reader (and Facebookophobe) JKK was lurking on my Facebook page and offers this criticism:

Dude I know you may want to hide your friends after realizing Facebook’s nefarious plans but for my eyes it’s too late! I already noticed something about all your friends — namely, it’s a Facebook sausage factory. Yes, you have a few female friends sprinkled about, but basically you all are doing some serious BRO-IN’ OUT. Are you going to use your “wall” (or whatever the fuck it is, I’m not on Facebook) to arrange a kegger and wear baseball caps backwards and wrestle to express your mutual affection?

What can I say? I’m a guy’s guy. I love barbecue, beer, and sports– IN THAT ORDER. I wake up listening to Foghat and I rock ‘n’ roll all day and I don’t use conditioner when I wash my hair. I’m a 100% he-dude. So it’s no wonder that most of my Facebook friends are dudes.

Look, here’s a photo of me with my friends:

We were at a release party for a new kind of buffalo wing. It was awesome! I remember, I drank eleven cups of Jack & Coke, my favorite drink. Then Tony and I got in a fight about who was the greatest boxer of all time: Mike Tyson or Horseface Jones. Man, that was a funny argument. We got thrown out of the bar and then we kicked a car just for the heck of it and the car alarm went off and we started laughing so hard. Then we repressed our emotions for years and now we’re all in therapy. NO GIRLS ALLOWED!