1. Roger Ailes was interviewing Sarah Palin for a job at Fox News. “According to your resume, you left your last position as Governor of Alaska due to ‘philosophical differences’ with your employer. Could you explain?” “Y’see Mr. Ailes,” said Palin, “I became philosophically opposed to doing actual work instead of flying around in a private jet wearing fancy clothes and basking in the adulation of idiots.” “Oh, I didn’t mean that,” replied Ailes. “I meant, explain how you learned how to spell ‘philosophical.'”
2. A producer was giving Sarah Palin a tour of the Fox News studio. He pointed out the coffee machine, the restrooms, and the temperature-controlled pool where Glenn Beck’s tears are harvested. “Where’s the indoor dog track?” asked Palin. The producer was confused: “Indoor dog track?” “Yeah, I’ve heard dogs panting since I got here,” replied Palin. “Ah,” the producer said, “those aren’t panting dogs; it’s Bill Kristol. It means he’s excited to see you.”
3. Why did Sarah Palin cross the road?
Because there was an opportunity to make an ass of herself on the other side.
4. Sarah Palin was sitting in the Fox News green room, waiting to participate in another panel discussion. She had all her resources spread out in front of her: The latest issue of “Lapham’s Quarterly;” a recent Human Rights Watch report on the security situation in Afghanistan; and a dog-eared copy of Burke’s “Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontents.” (That’s it. That’s the joke.)
5. Roger Ailes watched from the Fox News control booth as Sarah Palin and Juan Williams sat on a panel discussion. First Palin said something stupid; then Williams said something stupid; then Palin said something that wasn’t even an expression of a cognitive state– it was just vowel-sounds and burbling noises. “I love this woman,” said Roger Ailes.
6. Knock, knock!
So THAT explains why Rich Lowry is masturbating in my rhododendrons!
7. Sarah Palin was scheduled to appear on Fox News to use her mouth to make sounds. She arrived on set. “Where’s the other chair?” she asked. “What other chair?” asked the producer. Sarah Palin rolled her eyes: “Duh, the chair for Lynn Vincent, who tells me what to say when the movie camera is looking at me. By the way, there’s no gays working here, right?”
8. What do you call someone who expects to learn something about a topic by hearing Sarah Palin discuss it on Fox News?
You call them a cab! And then you tell the cabdriver to take that person to the State Hospital for the Mentally Insane, because they pose a danger to themselves and to our civil society– and if they protest and say, “You can’t institutionalize me just because I like how the pretty lady talks about terrorism and the economy,” you hit them over the head.
9. Timmy was watching Fox News with his grandpa. “You see, Timmy, these guys tell the truth. They don’t spin the news,” said Grandpa. Timmy said, “But, Grandpa, mommy says this channel is for sexually frustrated warmongering ideologues.” “Be quiet– the Life Alert commercial is on!” yelled Grandpa as his hands slid beneath the blanket on his lap.
10. What did the ghost of William F. Buckley, Jr. say when he saw Sarah Palin on Fox News?
I wish I was still alive, so I could call a press conference and blow my head off.
One day Sarah Palin made a trenchant, well-informed point on Fox News and thereby, however imperceptibly, improved the quality of discourse and collective intelligence of our great nation.