When you’re sharpening pencils to an extreme degree of sharpness, you can’t be too careful.

I received seven pencils in the mail last week. Each will be sharpened and returned to its owner with utmost care.

Meanwhile the web site design process is proceeding with due haste.

Each day brings us closer to the official launch of my pencil-sharpening business!

Whether you’re a LOST fanatic or a LOST hater, you have to admit: Last night’s finale was an amazing end to an amazing show!

To celebrate, here’s my list of the ten most unforgettable moments from the series:

10.) Season 1, Ep. 1:
The series kicks off with a bang!

9. Season 2, Ep. 3
Jack & Juliet: the island romance begins …

8. Season 5, Ep. 4
This episode featured some of the greatest catchphrases: “Give me the whip;” “Have you forgotten the house of pain,” etc.

7. Season 1, Ep. 5
The smoke monster attacks!

6. Season 3, Ep. 8
Locke dances!

5. Season 6, Ep. 13
The island is alive!

4. Season 2, Ep. 92
Hurley rocks!

3. Season 6, Ep. 12
The smoke monster can’t be stopped.

2. Season 7, Ep. 254
Parallel-universe madness!

And the NUMBER ONE moment from LOST:
1. Season 3, Ep. GH-230.001
The “flash-forward” that started it all!

I think I will start offering sharpened pencils to my customers, rather than requiring people to ship their unsharpened pencils to me for sharpening.

The price will remain the same: Only $12.50 per pencil! “How does he do it?”

More info. soon …

I was sitting on a stoop in the East Village last night when three semi-weirdos tumbled out of a yellow cab. My friend ID’d them as “Three As Four,” which is like the hottest design team in all of fashion! ARGGGH why didn’t I have any pencil-samples to give them? I coulda been in their next runway show in Milan or Paris!

My friend said they design “pants and bags” — guys, I LOVE pants!

You thought it was a joke? It’s not a joke.

Hello everyone out there in “Reading-my-blog-sville,” I’m happy to see you this morning.

I have two fun shows coming up:

The first is a benefit for Stephen Baldwin*. It’s on Wednesday, June 2 in Brooklyn, NY. You can read all about it here. Performers include some of the funniest stars currently shining in the comedy sky– including Eugene Mirman, Kristen Schaal, Jon Glaser, and loads of other folks.

The second show is this:

Get out of town, can you believe we pulled this off? Andrea Rosen and Starlee Kine on the same bill in Beacon, NY? “Fuhgeddaboutit.” Andrea Rosen you know from Stella and Flight of the Conchords and every funny commercial on the teevee, and Starlee Kine you know from This American Life, the famous radio programme. This show will be amazing. Time to charter that bus and drive to Beacon! Or you can take the train (we have a train station in town).

Hello everyone! I got busy with the census and organizing my pencil sharpening business and also staring out the window, so I neglected the ol’ blog for a hot minute. But now I’m back. Am I better than ever? Usually when someone comes back, they’re better than ever. So let’s assume I am.

To prove I’m better than ever, I’m going to link to this amazing article about Daniel Pipes, who is one of my favorite conservative pundits/theorists. Daniel Pipes is one of the leading experts on “Islamofascisto-terrorism-amists,” the Muslims who would do us harm. And his “Islamofascism-dar” is so sensitive, he can pick up on threats the rest of us don’t even see.

Like for instance, the new Miss USA is Muslim. You might think, “That’s cool, I’m glad not all Muslim women wear veils,” or, “I’ll take a bikini over a burqa any day!” or “Mama mia! That’s a sexy Muslim lady!” But Daniel Pipes finds it all very suspicious. He refers to the “surprising frequency of Muslim women winning beauty contests.”

First of all, Daniel Pipes looks like an R-rated hypnotist. “Tonight at the Laff Barn: R-rated hypnotist DANIEL PIPES will have you rolling — AND BLUSHING — in the aisles! You’ll see your friends do things they never thought you’d see them do! Get ready for raunchy, randy fun with Daniel Pipes! Opening act: The outrageous insult comedy of Norman Podhoretz! $20 cover / 2 drink minimum.”

Secondly, maybe all those Muslim women are winning beauty contests because they’re totally beautiful! And isn’t that a good thing? We should be in favor of Muslim women prancing around in bikinis and winning American beauty contests because that’s precisely the type of thing that must drive al-Qaeda up the wall. What better evidence that American culture’s gravitational force is irresistible? Ha ha, we win! and all that.

But of course, Daniel Pipes doesn’t want Muslims to assimilate into American culture because then who would he get paid to make everyone afraid of?

A nice email from reader MR, who knows which side her pencil’s sharpened on:

I have this wretched plastic pencil sharpener that does such a bad job. In the middle of my efforts to sharpen my pencil … I instead broke off the entire tip due to shoddy sharpener-manufacture, and a thought, unbidden, floated into my mind: “damn these mass-produced faceless corporate pencil sharpeners! If only I had ordered artisanal pencil sharpening from David Rees, Inc.!”

Don’t worry … soon all your pencil-related prayers will be answered!

“It takes a craftsman to truly sharpen a pencil.”

“Measure twice, sharpen once.”

I’m like the Timothy Treadwell of pencils. I know the risks. I know they’re dangerous. But I can’t stay away … I feel a deep connection to these unthinking beasts.