The response to the pencil-sharpening business has been amazing.

Today I sharpened more pencils than any other day of my life!

The National Post interviewed me about artisanal pencil sharpening:

I read an article which said this could be seen as a response to the state of political cartooning: there are no jobs out there, so you have to turn to something else. Did that factor into your decision to start this project?

I wish I had thought of that! No, I never made any connection between this project and political cartooning. The irony is that I never even used pencils when I was a cartoonist; I did it all using clip art. But the idea of laid-off cartoonists turning to trades like pencil sharpening and ink-stain-removal to make ends meet is very poignant.

Read the rest here. Check out the first comment; I love it!

Who doesn’t love a fun Facebook campaign?

Please support our campaign to get me booked on the David Letterman show for a live pencil-sharpening demonstration!

(I think you have to be on Facebook for this to work.)

Okay, so it’s decided: We’re going to start a big campaign to get me on the David Letterman show for a pencil-sharpening demonstration. More information soon …

Thanks to blog reader SM for forwarding this chilling video:

See, this is the dark future of pencil sharpening … UNLESS we re-dedicate ourselves to artisanal practices!

I’ll be the John Henry of pencil sharpeners if I have to … if that’s what it takes to prove the age-old law: MAN IS BETTER THAN MACHINE.

8:59 PM They’re going home with $125,000. And that’s the end of the show. Guy Fieri, can you feel me breathing down your neck? I’m coming for your JOBS, son.

8:57 PM Damn he nailed it in like 10 seconds! This kid Kyle is a world-beater! Everybody is hugging each other! It’s like a rave with gadgets and gizmos.

8:56 PM Level 7: Propeller Head, based on a Chinese Toy from olden tymes. Launch a propeller into a basket. Can they do it? First they must discuss it in complete sentences and articulate their fears and desires. Kyle’s going for it! Big pressure …

8:53 PM “Super Coin,” bounce quarters into a water jug. Do it in a minute and you win one million dollars. They just got an audience member … here he goes … plucked from anonymity to destiny … flicking quarters for a cool million … GO FOR IT … He will never, ever, ever, be able to do this. This is worse than a carny game! Guy Fieri: “That one, had it been over about 8 inches, woulda gone in.” LOL, pretty close.

8:51 PM Who knew Uncle Ben’s microwave rice could make such a hip commercial? Wait, I’m really down on this Swiffer ad b/c it makes fun of regular ol’ brooms! WTF, brooms rule! Swiffer sucks! I don’t trust Swiffer; they irradiate the mop heads or something, right? They’re messing with molecules and that’s not right. I don’t trust Swiffer … and that’s that.

8:49 PM They’re going for $125,000. That’s more money then I’ve ever seen in my life.

8:47 PM Emotional moment, here. Kyle is speaking about his grandfather and getting choked up. Hug from Guy Fieri … and guess what? Papa Jack is on the line! Music? Tugging at heartstrings … Papa Jack? Totally reading from a script. C’mon, Papa Jack, just freestyle. Don’t read some producer’s script!

8:45 PM Guys, she failed. They only have one life remaining … One Life to Live, as it were. The decision has been made: Kyle will attempt Raisin the Bar for $75,000. He better flick those bottles like a champion … Flick one: NO Flick two: YES Flick three: YES Flick four: YES And we’re in Monkey Mode yet again! This guy Kyle is really good at this gameshow.

8:44 PM Time for Lisette to do a challenge called “Raisin the Bar,” where she has to find a single raisin in McSorley’s. (j/k) She has to flick a matchbook out from under a bottle. Where’s the raisin? I’m confused yet again by my favorite new show…

8:42 PM Okay, here’s Sticker Picker Upper: They gotta use a goddamn EGG to pick up stickers off a platter without cracking the egg? “Yagottabekiddinme!” The guy is going for it: “I practiced this one at home.” Do they know the games ahead of time? I’m confused. The woman: “Balance is all about breath.” That’s some yoga-wisdom, right there. Oh, he’s CRUSHING this! WIN! “Level five, complete!” $50,000! Blast that happy music! Is that NeYo? It’s what I imagine NeYo sounds like? (BTW am I typing NeYo with sufficiently esoteric typography?)

8:41 PM One thing I like about this show is how people all over America play the challenges at home and then post their videos on the internet. MTWI FTW!

8:40 PM I like this commercial. I’m gonna buy a Jeep. “I live, I ride, I am. Jeep.” That’s me in a nutshell.

8:36 PM “Are you in it to win it, or are you gonna dash with the cash?” They move on to the next level … Sticker Picker Upper! In this challenge, you have to pick up a 50-pound bag of rice using an old Bush/Cheney bumper sticker.

8:34 PM “Level Four … FAILED. You have two lives remaining.” Ominous pulsing music helps the mood. Oh Jeez, this feelings-talk is crrrraazy! He’s gonna try again … more spoons, more chances to win, but also? More chances to fail. Oh shit, he’s ROCKING the spoons! He always chokes on that third spoon, though, right guys? HE DID IT! Umm… he just went into “monkey mode” I think he literally beat his chest he was so happy.

8:32 PM His mission: Use a spoon to flick a spoon into a glass. He’s not doing so well. I woulda called this challenge “Spoon Flick Madness From Beyond the Realms of Sanity.”

8:31 PM How come Guy Fieri gets to host this show AND Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, my favorite other show??? What’s he got that I don’t got? I can make my hair look like that! I can wear a big bracelet! C’mon, guys, give a guy a break! (And I don’t mean “Guy” guy … I mean me!)

8:29 PM Outback Steakhouse crab legs lookin’ good to eat. I love that the Outback Steakhouse ad is followed by a heart-attack medication ad. That’s the kind of thing that gets people in offices yelled at.

8:28 PM In this challenge they have to eat a bucket of metronomes. It’s called “The Big Tick-Tock Challenge.” (j/k, you know me, I gotta make a joke.)

8:25 PM Guide a thread through ten sewing needles! She’s going for it because, as she says, “I sew.” This is for $5,000. Umm… easiest challenge ever. Even though the sewing needles are getting smaller … Damn she’s doing it with her hand on her hip. That’s bad-ass. And she won! $5,000 in the bank and they show NO SIGN of slowing up!

8:24 PM She’s gotta pop a ball into a basket using a blanket. Damn this one is tricky. “It’s like some nightmare version of tiddlywinks from the depths of Satan’s soul.” (That’s how I would describe it.) WELL, GUESS WHAT? Satan is crying in his beer, b/c she just WON!

8:22 PM They just showed footage of people learning that they’d been selected for MTWI and completely freaking out. I love this show. This new task is called NutSucker Extreme! (j/k) It’s called Whippersnapper, and the contestants are articulating the HELL out of their decision vis a vis which one of them should compete.

8:21 PM Worst Chrysler commercial ever. That’s a bad Arby’s ad and a bad Chrysler ad all in one show. I’m disappointed. But this KFC ad keeps kickin’ ass with its new jingle! And all the close-ups of the juicy and crusty chicken body-parts.

8:20 PM Law & Order Los Angeles??? Are you freaking kidding me, you freaks? They can’t take our ka-chung sound to the West Coast! Get your own sound.

8:18 PM Homeboy just yanked the SHIT out of some ribbons. They just made thousands of dollars. “She told me to calm down and I calmed down. We’re a great team!” (Life lesson, hello? “The Collected Teachings of Minute to Win It,” St. Martin’s Press 2011)

8:17 PM They gotta pull colored ribbons out from under water bottles. Oh, wait, this couple don’t know each other. Pressure’s on! Could these contestants be any more articulate, by the way? He’s gotta yank those ribbons!

8:15 PM Next contestants: A NY couple living “The American nightmare” since the economy collapsed. “We have accumulated too much debt.” Hello, class war! Is MTWI (MInute to Win It) totally Marxist??? I hope so.

8:12 PM He’s frazzled. He’s totally frazzled. His fiancee is telling him he’s steady, but he’s jittery. We’re talking about a half-milli! How could he not be freaked? It’s looking shaaaaky …OH SNAP HE DID IT!!!! HIM = WIN, ME = FAIL!!!! Extreme NutStacker win for $500,000! The music is pumping!!! “Before this gets out of control, you have one life left. You are one challenge away from a million dollars …” Are they gonna keep going, or take their money and go home? Their parents are like, “Take your money and get the fuck out.” They’re taking the $500 Gs!

8:11 PM They have one last chance. One last dance, one last star to hitch their wagon to … one last try! The man is going for it. My prediction: TOTAL FAILURE WITHIN TEN SECONDS.

8:10 PM Watching the replay … he stacked those nuts, but they didn’t last for three seconds! Tragedy. “Level 9, Failed!” So says the female robot-voice who controls their destiny.

8:09 PM That was the most boring Arby’s commercial of all time.

8:08 PM Eat Pray Love commercial! Guys, how psyched are we for this movie??? (Just talking to the guys here.)

8:07 PM We gotta go to the tape on this, after the commercial. The female contestant: “Oh my God, this is insane!”

8:06 PM He’s stacking those nuts … uh-oh, looking shaky. One more nut …GLORY NO, he dropped the stack of nuts!!! He had to hold it for three seconds! But it wasn’t quite long enough. Riot in the studio???

8:04 PM Who competes next, the man or the woman? Jesus, these contestants are really talking about their feelings! It’s like In Treatment up in here. The producers must tell ’em to talk to each other like that. Now the guy has to try the nutstack challenge … can he succeed where his fiancee failed? My prediction: HELL NO

8:03 PM Umm, this music? What planet did it come from? Is this Britney Spears from Belgium, year 2035? I gotta say, she’s stacking those nuts like a total champ! WHOA Dammit, the nut-stack collapsed! Now they face a choice …

8:02 PM Do it, do it! They’re going for $500,000! Stack the nuts! Okay, what she has to do is, slide nuts of a chop stick onto a cutting board to create a pile of ten nuts. She has ONE MINUTE TO WIN IT …

8:01:50 PM The challenge is called “Extreme Nutstacker.” I love my new favorite show that I’ve been watching for two minutes.

8:01 PM GUY FIERI, are you kidding me? This dude has all my dream jobs. I want to host every show he hosts. Okay, they have to build the leaning tower of Pisa made out of nuts(?)

8:00 PM Here we go! Karate instructor and bartender compete for one million dollars! THIS IS MY SHOW, THIS IS MY SHOW, I’M FINALLY WATCHING MY SHOW

7:54 PM How hard would it be for me to become the nation’s leading HSN liveblogger? How crowded is that field? She’s talking about a jewelry polishing cloth right now. It’s called “Sparkle Sparkle Everyday Jewlery Care Set.” Price? $19.95. What an unusual price! Okay, time to mentally prepare for MTWI (Minute to Win It)…

7:51 PM “You get this necklace home and you get to experience what ‘hand-made’ is all about …” she could be talking about http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com!

7:50 PM Ten minutes until “Minute to Win It …” I’m getting excited, I’ve wanted to see this show ever since I saw the preview … plus my favorite band is the Minutemen and my favorite brand of OJ is MinuteMaid so I was BORN to liveblog this show …

7:48 PM “Seven motherfuckin’ strands! Don’t sleep on this necklace!!!” Can you believe the HSN lady just yelled that?

7:44 PM If you thought that last necklace was nice, look at this next necklace. It’s called “Jay King Garnet 7-Strand ‘Waterfall’ 18″ Necklace.” Seven strands, guys. This necklace plays no games. “This is the Wu-Tang Clan of necklaces!” The hostess just said that. (j/k)

7:39 PM “Studio Barse Turquoise and Smoky Quartz 19″ Necklace!” She’s selling the necklace I mentioned! Guess how much? $49.95. My spidey-sense tells me that’s a bargain. “It’s absolutely a work of art … very sophisticated … a statement piece, a gallery piece …” She’s really talking up this necklace! I think this show is called “24 Hour Silver Celebration.” Guess what, guys? When they sell out of this necklace? Umm … don’t think you’ll be able to buy it. Because it’s NOT coming back. The lady just said that.

7:36 PM The hostess of this segment on HSN is wearing a necklace made out of 50-pound blue boulders. When can we order one of those???

7:34 PM Now I’m watching HSN, the Home Shopping Network. Now THIS is my vibe … my speed … my channel! Let’s see, tonight we’re buying a pendant! It has a gemstone on it. I’m sold. This woman on the phone? Is basically having an orgasm about what a great bargain this is, and how happy she is with her purchase of this gemstone pendant! “I’m thinking of Christmas now.” Oh goddamn she’s about to burn up that credit card! GEMSTONE PENDANT FTW

7:32 PM Okay, here’s the News Hour on PBS. This is more like it. Although I think they’re talking about this Andrew Breitbart / USDA story, which makes me want to strangle a goat. Breitbart is a sick man. Now they’re talking about Michele Bachmann(sp), they’re trying to make me switch back to Access Hollywood! Where can an old man find piece of mind on the television? I ask you!

7:31 PM I can’t handle Access Hollywood either, I just know it. I’m gonna change the channel.

7:30 PM Thirty minutes until “Minute to Win It!” I’m getting stoked.

7:27 PM You know what? I think Extra has defeated me. I consider myself a hip fellow, capable of listening to wild music and watching crazy movies, but this show is soooo chaotic and spasm-y that I don’t think I can watch it. Oh, wait I think it’s over. Whew. Time to relax with this nice commercial for Fort Lauderdale(?!?).

7:25 PM Cymbalta commercial (anti-depressant). Very poignant. I hope all those people feel better.

7:24 PM KFC commercial lookin’ good.

7:22 PM Now they’re talking about “The Other Guys,” a new comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh! And Eva Mendes, the woman of my dreams, she’s being so silly right now! (Remember to spell-check her name before sending email to her agent.) The host of Extra is that guy from Saved by the Bell … they’re giving away an expensive watch right now. I don’t understand what’s going on.

7:20 PM I want to be warmed up by the time “Minute to Win It” starts, so I’m gonna do a little pre-game liveblogging. I’m watching a show called “EXTRA!” which is about movie premieres and movie stars’ beautiful bodies!

I sharpened a lot of pencils yesterday. Thanks to everyone who ordered a pencil & print from the new site. I’m really happy and excited about this new project. I had a fantasy that I could go on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and sharpen pencils live on television; do you think that could actually happen? I’ll ask my agent to get to work on that.

Some people have sent me angry emails about this new pencil-sharpening business, asking why I charge so much money. The answer is that $12.50 is just an awesome amount of money to charge someone to sharpen their pencil. You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it.

Now, some trivia for the hardcore MNFTIU heads out there: Did you know that the “Certificates of Sharpness” that I sign and ship with every pencil are actually printed on 10-year-old cover stock from the original version of “My New Fighting Technique is Unstoppable?” It’s true. Back when I was selling “Fighting Technique” out of my living room in Boston, I bought up all the Wausau Papers tan card stock to use for the covers. That tan card stock has since been discontinued, but I have a bunch of it in my office. So that’s what I use for the Certificates of Sharpness. See, that’s the kind of thing you usually only learn 100 years after the fact on Antiques Roadshow, but I told you for free just now.

It’s like everything has come full circle. And what a circle it has been!

Oh, another thing I wanted to tell you guys was, since everybody seems to like the MNFTIU liveblogging, I decided to pick a show and liveblog it every week. And guess what show I’ve picked? Only the hottest game show in America: MINUTE TO WIN IT, Wednesdays at 8:00 on NBC! I’m gonna liveblog it every Wednesday starting tonight! Yes, please tune in to mnftiu.cc at 8:00 PM EST this evening for the initial liveblog of this amazing show that I’ve been wanting to watch ever since I saw a preview during the Olympics(?) or whenever the last time I watched TV was.

Wow, this is turning into my longest blog post ever. I guess I’ll just keep going! Last night there was a skunk in my backyard; is that interesting to you guys? Probably not. I harvested four fat-ass cucumbers from the garden. Oh! And yesterday I made a banana smoothie for lunch. I put coconut flakes in it and it tasted amazing! Hmm, maybe this is “too much information.” We all feel queasy now, right?

Anyway, in conclusion, let me just say, please visit my pencil sharpening web site and order a pencil and print (the prints are beautiful, trust me, people love them … and the pencils aren’t so bad either). And don’t forget to tune in this evening at 8:00 for my exclusive “Minute to Win It” liveblog!

Hi guys, I’m so excited to finally launch the web site for my pencil-sharpening business!

http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com

(Many thanks to Meredith Heuer and tifandgif.com for their help.)

Please order a pencil and print and tell your friends! I want to sharpen pencils all year.