“Minute to Win It” Liveblogging, Part I

8:36 PM “Are you in it to win it, or are you gonna dash with the cash?” They move on to the next level … Sticker Picker Upper! In this challenge, you have to pick up a 50-pound bag of rice using an old Bush/Cheney bumper sticker.

8:34 PM “Level Four … FAILED. You have two lives remaining.” Ominous pulsing music helps the mood. Oh Jeez, this feelings-talk is crrrraazy! He’s gonna try again … more spoons, more chances to win, but also? More chances to fail. Oh shit, he’s ROCKING the spoons! He always chokes on that third spoon, though, right guys? HE DID IT! Umm… he just went into “monkey mode” I think he literally beat his chest he was so happy.

8:32 PM His mission: Use a spoon to flick a spoon into a glass. He’s not doing so well. I woulda called this challenge “Spoon Flick Madness From Beyond the Realms of Sanity.”

8:31 PM How come Guy Fieri gets to host this show AND Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, my favorite other show??? What’s he got that I don’t got? I can make my hair look like that! I can wear a big bracelet! C’mon, guys, give a guy a break! (And I don’t mean “Guy” guy … I mean me!)

8:29 PM Outback Steakhouse crab legs lookin’ good to eat. I love that the Outback Steakhouse ad is followed by a heart-attack medication ad. That’s the kind of thing that gets people in offices yelled at.

8:28 PM In this challenge they have to eat a bucket of metronomes. It’s called “The Big Tick-Tock Challenge.” (j/k, you know me, I gotta make a joke.)

8:25 PM Guide a thread through ten sewing needles! She’s going for it because, as she says, “I sew.” This is for $5,000. Umm… easiest challenge ever. Even though the sewing needles are getting smaller … Damn she’s doing it with her hand on her hip. That’s bad-ass. And she won! $5,000 in the bank and they show NO SIGN of slowing up!

8:24 PM She’s gotta pop a ball into a basket using a blanket. Damn this one is tricky. “It’s like some nightmare version of tiddlywinks from the depths of Satan’s soul.” (That’s how I would describe it.) WELL, GUESS WHAT? Satan is crying in his beer, b/c she just WON!

8:22 PM They just showed footage of people learning that they’d been selected for MTWI and completely freaking out. I love this show. This new task is called NutSucker Extreme! (j/k) It’s called Whippersnapper, and the contestants are articulating the HELL out of their decision vis a vis which one of them should compete.

8:21 PM Worst Chrysler commercial ever. That’s a bad Arby’s ad and a bad Chrysler ad all in one show. I’m disappointed. But this KFC ad keeps kickin’ ass with its new jingle! And all the close-ups of the juicy and crusty chicken body-parts.

8:20 PM Law & Order Los Angeles??? Are you freaking kidding me, you freaks? They can’t take our ka-chung sound to the West Coast! Get your own sound.

8:18 PM Homeboy just yanked the SHIT out of some ribbons. They just made thousands of dollars. “She told me to calm down and I calmed down. We’re a great team!” (Life lesson, hello? “The Collected Teachings of Minute to Win It,” St. Martin’s Press 2011)

8:17 PM They gotta pull colored ribbons out from under water bottles. Oh, wait, this couple don’t know each other. Pressure’s on! Could these contestants be any more articulate, by the way? He’s gotta yank those ribbons!

8:15 PM Next contestants: A NY couple living “The American nightmare” since the economy collapsed. “We have accumulated too much debt.” Hello, class war! Is MTWI (MInute to Win It) totally Marxist??? I hope so.

8:12 PM He’s frazzled. He’s totally frazzled. His fiancee is telling him he’s steady, but he’s jittery. We’re talking about a half-milli! How could he not be freaked? It’s looking shaaaaky …OH SNAP HE DID IT!!!! HIM = WIN, ME = FAIL!!!! Extreme NutStacker win for $500,000! The music is pumping!!! “Before this gets out of control, you have one life left. You are one challenge away from a million dollars …” Are they gonna keep going, or take their money and go home? Their parents are like, “Take your money and get the fuck out.” They’re taking the $500 Gs!

8:11 PM They have one last chance. One last dance, one last star to hitch their wagon to … one last try! The man is going for it. My prediction: TOTAL FAILURE WITHIN TEN SECONDS.

8:10 PM Watching the replay … he stacked those nuts, but they didn’t last for three seconds! Tragedy. “Level 9, Failed!” So says the female robot-voice who controls their destiny.

8:09 PM That was the most boring Arby’s commercial of all time.

8:08 PM Eat Pray Love commercial! Guys, how psyched are we for this movie??? (Just talking to the guys here.)

8:07 PM We gotta go to the tape on this, after the commercial. The female contestant: “Oh my God, this is insane!”

8:06 PM He’s stacking those nuts … uh-oh, looking shaky. One more nut …GLORY NO, he dropped the stack of nuts!!! He had to hold it for three seconds! But it wasn’t quite long enough. Riot in the studio???

8:04 PM Who competes next, the man or the woman? Jesus, these contestants are really talking about their feelings! It’s like In Treatment up in here. The producers must tell ’em to talk to each other like that. Now the guy has to try the nutstack challenge … can he succeed where his fiancee failed? My prediction: HELL NO

8:03 PM Umm, this music? What planet did it come from? Is this Britney Spears from Belgium, year 2035? I gotta say, she’s stacking those nuts like a total champ! WHOA Dammit, the nut-stack collapsed! Now they face a choice …

8:02 PM Do it, do it! They’re going for $500,000! Stack the nuts! Okay, what she has to do is, slide nuts of a chop stick onto a cutting board to create a pile of ten nuts. She has ONE MINUTE TO WIN IT …

8:01:50 PM The challenge is called “Extreme Nutstacker.” I love my new favorite show that I’ve been watching for two minutes.

8:01 PM GUY FIERI, are you kidding me? This dude has all my dream jobs. I want to host every show he hosts. Okay, they have to build the leaning tower of Pisa made out of nuts(?)

8:00 PM Here we go! Karate instructor and bartender compete for one million dollars! THIS IS MY SHOW, THIS IS MY SHOW, I’M FINALLY WATCHING MY SHOW