“Minute To Win It” Warm-Up Pre-Show Liveblogging

7:54 PM How hard would it be for me to become the nation’s leading HSN liveblogger? How crowded is that field? She’s talking about a jewelry polishing cloth right now. It’s called “Sparkle Sparkle Everyday Jewlery Care Set.” Price? $19.95. What an unusual price! Okay, time to mentally prepare for MTWI (Minute to Win It)…

7:51 PM “You get this necklace home and you get to experience what ‘hand-made’ is all about …” she could be talking about http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com!

7:50 PM Ten minutes until “Minute to Win It …” I’m getting excited, I’ve wanted to see this show ever since I saw the preview … plus my favorite band is the Minutemen and my favorite brand of OJ is MinuteMaid so I was BORN to liveblog this show …

7:48 PM “Seven motherfuckin’ strands! Don’t sleep on this necklace!!!” Can you believe the HSN lady just yelled that?

7:44 PM If you thought that last necklace was nice, look at this next necklace. It’s called “Jay King Garnet 7-Strand ‘Waterfall’ 18″ Necklace.” Seven strands, guys. This necklace plays no games. “This is the Wu-Tang Clan of necklaces!” The hostess just said that. (j/k)

7:39 PM “Studio Barse Turquoise and Smoky Quartz 19″ Necklace!” She’s selling the necklace I mentioned! Guess how much? $49.95. My spidey-sense tells me that’s a bargain. “It’s absolutely a work of art … very sophisticated … a statement piece, a gallery piece …” She’s really talking up this necklace! I think this show is called “24 Hour Silver Celebration.” Guess what, guys? When they sell out of this necklace? Umm … don’t think you’ll be able to buy it. Because it’s NOT coming back. The lady just said that.

7:36 PM The hostess of this segment on HSN is wearing a necklace made out of 50-pound blue boulders. When can we order one of those???

7:34 PM Now I’m watching HSN, the Home Shopping Network. Now THIS is my vibe … my speed … my channel! Let’s see, tonight we’re buying a pendant! It has a gemstone on it. I’m sold. This woman on the phone? Is basically having an orgasm about what a great bargain this is, and how happy she is with her purchase of this gemstone pendant! “I’m thinking of Christmas now.” Oh goddamn she’s about to burn up that credit card! GEMSTONE PENDANT FTW

7:32 PM Okay, here’s the News Hour on PBS. This is more like it. Although I think they’re talking about this Andrew Breitbart / USDA story, which makes me want to strangle a goat. Breitbart is a sick man. Now they’re talking about Michele Bachmann(sp), they’re trying to make me switch back to Access Hollywood! Where can an old man find piece of mind on the television? I ask you!

7:31 PM I can’t handle Access Hollywood either, I just know it. I’m gonna change the channel.

7:30 PM Thirty minutes until “Minute to Win It!” I’m getting stoked.

7:27 PM You know what? I think Extra has defeated me. I consider myself a hip fellow, capable of listening to wild music and watching crazy movies, but this show is soooo chaotic and spasm-y that I don’t think I can watch it. Oh, wait I think it’s over. Whew. Time to relax with this nice commercial for Fort Lauderdale(?!?).

7:25 PM Cymbalta commercial (anti-depressant). Very poignant. I hope all those people feel better.

7:24 PM KFC commercial lookin’ good.

7:22 PM Now they’re talking about “The Other Guys,” a new comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh! And Eva Mendes, the woman of my dreams, she’s being so silly right now! (Remember to spell-check her name before sending email to her agent.) The host of Extra is that guy from Saved by the Bell … they’re giving away an expensive watch right now. I don’t understand what’s going on.

7:20 PM I want to be warmed up by the time “Minute to Win It” starts, so I’m gonna do a little pre-game liveblogging. I’m watching a show called “EXTRA!” which is about movie premieres and movie stars’ beautiful bodies!