7:54 PM How hard would it be for me to become the nation’s leading HSN liveblogger? How crowded is that field? She’s talking about a jewelry polishing cloth right now. It’s called “Sparkle Sparkle Everyday Jewlery Care Set.” Price? $19.95. What an unusual price! Okay, time to mentally prepare for MTWI (Minute to Win It)…

7:51 PM “You get this necklace home and you get to experience what ‘hand-made’ is all about …” she could be talking about http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com!

7:50 PM Ten minutes until “Minute to Win It …” I’m getting excited, I’ve wanted to see this show ever since I saw the preview … plus my favorite band is the Minutemen and my favorite brand of OJ is MinuteMaid so I was BORN to liveblog this show …

7:48 PM “Seven motherfuckin’ strands! Don’t sleep on this necklace!!!” Can you believe the HSN lady just yelled that?

7:44 PM If you thought that last necklace was nice, look at this next necklace. It’s called “Jay King Garnet 7-Strand ‘Waterfall’ 18″ Necklace.” Seven strands, guys. This necklace plays no games. “This is the Wu-Tang Clan of necklaces!” The hostess just said that. (j/k)

7:39 PM “Studio Barse Turquoise and Smoky Quartz 19″ Necklace!” She’s selling the necklace I mentioned! Guess how much? $49.95. My spidey-sense tells me that’s a bargain. “It’s absolutely a work of art … very sophisticated … a statement piece, a gallery piece …” She’s really talking up this necklace! I think this show is called “24 Hour Silver Celebration.” Guess what, guys? When they sell out of this necklace? Umm … don’t think you’ll be able to buy it. Because it’s NOT coming back. The lady just said that.

7:36 PM The hostess of this segment on HSN is wearing a necklace made out of 50-pound blue boulders. When can we order one of those???

7:34 PM Now I’m watching HSN, the Home Shopping Network. Now THIS is my vibe … my speed … my channel! Let’s see, tonight we’re buying a pendant! It has a gemstone on it. I’m sold. This woman on the phone? Is basically having an orgasm about what a great bargain this is, and how happy she is with her purchase of this gemstone pendant! “I’m thinking of Christmas now.” Oh goddamn she’s about to burn up that credit card! GEMSTONE PENDANT FTW

7:32 PM Okay, here’s the News Hour on PBS. This is more like it. Although I think they’re talking about this Andrew Breitbart / USDA story, which makes me want to strangle a goat. Breitbart is a sick man. Now they’re talking about Michele Bachmann(sp), they’re trying to make me switch back to Access Hollywood! Where can an old man find piece of mind on the television? I ask you!

7:31 PM I can’t handle Access Hollywood either, I just know it. I’m gonna change the channel.

7:30 PM Thirty minutes until “Minute to Win It!” I’m getting stoked.

7:27 PM You know what? I think Extra has defeated me. I consider myself a hip fellow, capable of listening to wild music and watching crazy movies, but this show is soooo chaotic and spasm-y that I don’t think I can watch it. Oh, wait I think it’s over. Whew. Time to relax with this nice commercial for Fort Lauderdale(?!?).

7:25 PM Cymbalta commercial (anti-depressant). Very poignant. I hope all those people feel better.

7:24 PM KFC commercial lookin’ good.

7:22 PM Now they’re talking about “The Other Guys,” a new comedy starring Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. Oh! And Eva Mendes, the woman of my dreams, she’s being so silly right now! (Remember to spell-check her name before sending email to her agent.) The host of Extra is that guy from Saved by the Bell … they’re giving away an expensive watch right now. I don’t understand what’s going on.

7:20 PM I want to be warmed up by the time “Minute to Win It” starts, so I’m gonna do a little pre-game liveblogging. I’m watching a show called “EXTRA!” which is about movie premieres and movie stars’ beautiful bodies!

I sharpened a lot of pencils yesterday. Thanks to everyone who ordered a pencil & print from the new site. I’m really happy and excited about this new project. I had a fantasy that I could go on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and sharpen pencils live on television; do you think that could actually happen? I’ll ask my agent to get to work on that.

Some people have sent me angry emails about this new pencil-sharpening business, asking why I charge so much money. The answer is that $12.50 is just an awesome amount of money to charge someone to sharpen their pencil. You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it.

Now, some trivia for the hardcore MNFTIU heads out there: Did you know that the “Certificates of Sharpness” that I sign and ship with every pencil are actually printed on 10-year-old cover stock from the original version of “My New Fighting Technique is Unstoppable?” It’s true. Back when I was selling “Fighting Technique” out of my living room in Boston, I bought up all the Wausau Papers tan card stock to use for the covers. That tan card stock has since been discontinued, but I have a bunch of it in my office. So that’s what I use for the Certificates of Sharpness. See, that’s the kind of thing you usually only learn 100 years after the fact on Antiques Roadshow, but I told you for free just now.

It’s like everything has come full circle. And what a circle it has been!

Oh, another thing I wanted to tell you guys was, since everybody seems to like the MNFTIU liveblogging, I decided to pick a show and liveblog it every week. And guess what show I’ve picked? Only the hottest game show in America: MINUTE TO WIN IT, Wednesdays at 8:00 on NBC! I’m gonna liveblog it every Wednesday starting tonight! Yes, please tune in to mnftiu.cc at 8:00 PM EST this evening for the initial liveblog of this amazing show that I’ve been wanting to watch ever since I saw a preview during the Olympics(?) or whenever the last time I watched TV was.

Wow, this is turning into my longest blog post ever. I guess I’ll just keep going! Last night there was a skunk in my backyard; is that interesting to you guys? Probably not. I harvested four fat-ass cucumbers from the garden. Oh! And yesterday I made a banana smoothie for lunch. I put coconut flakes in it and it tasted amazing! Hmm, maybe this is “too much information.” We all feel queasy now, right?

Anyway, in conclusion, let me just say, please visit my pencil sharpening web site and order a pencil and print (the prints are beautiful, trust me, people love them … and the pencils aren’t so bad either). And don’t forget to tune in this evening at 8:00 for my exclusive “Minute to Win It” liveblog!

Hi guys, I’m so excited to finally launch the web site for my pencil-sharpening business!

http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com

(Many thanks to Meredith Heuer and tifandgif.com for their help.)

Please order a pencil and print and tell your friends! I want to sharpen pencils all year.

From reader MA:

since you’ve started posting superstar & star’s videos, i’ve watched them and thought with vague confusion and amusement, “what on earth is up with this dude?” after watching Babys, however, i’m pleased to tell you that my reaction has been replaced with a rich smorgasbord of disquiet, concern, and (mostly towards the end) an unspecific but palpable dread. thanks for the introduction– now i can say i was “in on the ground floor” when Matador signs them at SXSW next year.

I got into the pencil sharpening business for two reasons:

1. I like sharpening pencils
2. I like making people happy

Check out this amazing customer testimonial:

Let’s face it, we’re not trained to sharpen our own pencils…

YET WE DO IT ALL THE TIME!

Why not leave it to the experts?

All you have to do is send your #2 pencils to Mr. Rees and for $12.50 a piece he’ll sharpen them to a precision graded point.

What’s that? You say you think that $12.50 sounds kind of expensive?

But is it REALLY?

Each pencil that Mr. Rees receives gets his PERSONALIZED attention and is sharpened in the old-world tradition that pencils were meant to be sharpened in.

Please, if you’re on the fence about whether to order one of my super-sharp pencils, read the whole thing.

Then send me $40 via PayPal and I’ll send you a pencil, a certificate of sharpness, and a limited edition print!

5:02 PM Game over. Spain is the soccer champion of the world! Congratulations to all the team who participated in this year’s World Cup. You will never be forgotten. World Cup 2010: The Legend Continues.

5:01 PM Come on, big orange!

4:58 PM Nederlands is screwed. Spain is dancing on their grave. All the tulips are turning black and dying. All the hash brownies are losing their mystical powers.

4:57 PM Things are looking grim for the Dutch. Time is not on their side, the numbers are not on their side, and soccer is not on their side. Can they pull off a Dutch miracle?

4:55:10 PM glglglglglglglglglg Nederlands is PISSED! Card out. There’s a card out! Was Spain offsides? What’s going on? Comedy and tragedy, we have it all!

4:55 PM Gl gl gl gl Spain scored!

4:54 PM Come on, guys. Score a goal. Bounce-off! It was a total bounce-off! Arrrggh

4:52 PM Looks like a penalty kick situation. I’m not sure because I’m so bored.

4:51 PM I wish they would show celebrities watching the game in the stands. Why don’t they do that? That’s like my favorite thing. “Celebrities, they’re just like us.”

4:49:12 PM Cards, whistles everywhere! Players are getting sloppy and frustrated. They definitely should not operate heavy machinery right now … they’d run somebody over with a forklift.

4:49 PM Nederlands is hurting. Free kick 21 meters from the goal. And … they biffed it. Spain sucks eggs from a hen.

4:48 PM No dice! Red card! red card! The worst card of them all! Free kick against Nederlands! Chaos! Vuvuzela overload! The Nederlands just lost a player. They are officially FUCKED.

4:47 PM Everybody’s tired. Spain surrounded by Dutch players. What font is that on the Dutch uniforms?

4:46 PM My promise to you: If someone finally scores in this cockamamie soccer game, I will NOT type GOOOAAAALLLLL! I will type “gl.”

4:45 PM Throw-in. Here we go. Spain on the march. Nederlands goalie grabs it. No dice. Do the math. Make it work. Just do it. Kick it. Can’t touch this.

4:44 PM The ball goes one way, then it goes the other way. That’s soccer in a nutshell.