8:59 PM That’s it, my second episode of MTWI is over. See you next week!

8:58 PM If the two members of Team Awesome don’t copulate and create a race of beautiful superhumans TONIGHT I am going to sue everybody.

8:56 PM Goddamn, “Team Awesome” member Nate (the guy with the big biceps) just channeled the HELL out of my dear old beloved housemate B.G. from back in Boston days. He was talking about his background in mathematics and how it’s gonna help him complete this challenge where he’s gotta roll a marble down a ruler. That was cool.

8:54 PM What if one day Guy Fieri went crazy and introduced the challenge and then turned to the contestant and said, “You’ve got a WEEK to win it. Take your time.” Lawsuit from the producers to Guy Fieri. Investigative report from TV Guide. Wait, umm… sorry to stop making my humorous comments, but when did G.F. totally change outfits? Now he’s dressed in “Miami Evening Casual With High Probability of Buffalo Wings.” Is this the most slapdash show of all time?

8:53 PM Okay, back to “Team Awesome.” Here’s their Level 2 challenge: “Supreme Gas Huffer.” Huff a lot of gas and then fall down. Just kidding, of course, it’s called something else. Hey, as long as it’s not called, “Drag This Dead Cat Into This Bag While Balancing On A Ladder And Gagging,” I’m into it.

8:51 PM Nobody will ever, ever, evvvvver win “Super Coin” for the one million dollar prize. Ever. You might as well eat a roller coaster in a minute. Ie, it’s a fool’s errand.

8:50 PM “Super Coin.” Play for a million dollars. You might as well just play the lottery. Hey guys, do we think G.F. has tattoos? How do we find out? I bet he has a tattoo of a big plate of nachos on his back.

8:48 PM Well, thanks to that Hebrew National ad, I now I know who I’m voting for in the 2010 “Least-Lookin’ Like Queen Elizabeth In A Commercial” Election. Was she really supposed to be Queen Elizabeth?

8:47 PM Fruit smoothies at McDonald’s, and the commercial’s music sounds like Kronos Quartet on X (the drug “ecstasy”.)

8:46 PM These contestants have named their team “Team Awesome.” I subtract 5 charisma points from their total.

8:45 PM Are you kidding with how attractive these contestants are? That guy Nate’s arms are lookin’ BANGING. He even has that too-old-for-emo-yet-semi-emo hair that drives the ladies BONKERNANAS.

8:44 PM Time to play Tilt-A-Cup. This game looks well neigh impossible. If I was Edgar Allen Poe’s raven, I’d say: “You’ll win this game NEVERMORE.”

8:42 PM The judges declared that the sorority sisters did not play by the rules. BUSTED. They go home in shame. And the sausage factory continues its grind: Two new contestants, who just happen to be the most physically attractive game-show contestants in television history.

8:40 PM Still hating on this Chrysler commercial.

8:38 PM Ooh, NICE shot of #2 pencils in this Office Max commercial. Damn, that was hot.

8:36 PM Oh, snap! Did they cheat? Did they violate scuba-flipper-tennis 101? First these messages … here’s an ad about a car that has a fancy radio that works like a TiVo or something.

8:35 PM Next: A mutated form of tennis using scuba flippers and a cooler. “What vision of hell be this?” (That’s what Aristotle would say if he was watching this.) “What taste of madness hath now alighted upon my old-timey tongue?” (Another option for ol’ Aristotle.)

8:34 PM G.F.’s goatee is more complicated than I thought at first.

8:32 PM Can they do it??? I think they can. The clock is on their side … Victory is at hand! $50,000 in the pocket! The sorority girls are happy. They both hugged G.F. Umm … the sorority girls’ parents look YOUNGER THAN ME. What’s up with that? Am I really that old? I’m older than the parents of contestants on game shows???

8:31 PM Time to roll marbles through a pool noodle for $50,000.

8:29 PM Little sister is a bit of a scene-stealer. Has she been coached by the producers? My inner Seymour Hersh says YES. Hello, I just realized G.F. is wearing panama shorts or capri pants, or whatever you call them. Hmm. Maybe I can’t step to him after all.

8:28 PM I stand before you humbled and ashamed. They won Whippersnapper. They advance to the next round. Guy Fieri: “That was intense.” See, that’s why he’s a bad host. I woulda been like, “Ladies, that was super intense. That was one of the most amazing things in all of human history, except for that one time when I had a dead cat in my garage.”

8:27 PM This challenge is called “Whippersnapper,” but these girls know it as “Soulcrusherandmakeyougohome-er.”

8:26 PM Who wants to eat a pound of cocaine with me and then go see “Charlie St. Cloud?”

8:25 PM Oh, Arby’s-dad. You lucky bastard! (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:24 PM Oh, Nick Drake. You poor guy. (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:22 PM That dead cat was smelling “not nice.” Okay, these ladies only have one final chance left in their quiver of possibility. They just plain ol’ cannot seem to whip the ping-pong balls into the innertube. OKAY THAT WAS A CLASSIC, INSANE CUTAWAY, RIGHT? (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:21 PM This innertube will be these ladies’ Waterloo. (That’s the battle where you lose, right?)

8:19 PM Sorority sisters failed to bounce balls into an innertube. News at 11. How much blood is on your hands, Mr. Fieri? Why do you wear sunglasses on the back of your head?

8:18 PM Look at this family playing homegrown Minute to Win It and being immortalized on television. You know what? There’s something about this show I don’t trust … I’m just starting to get a weird vibe from MTWI. I’m going into Seymour Hersh mode.

8:17 PM Eek! Rats in a park! News at 11:00. “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

8:14 PM Does Dove make soap and chocolate? “I don’t a-get it.” Now I’m watching a commercial about some new kind of phone from T-Mobile that can do all these amazing things like send a photo to your brother? Again, “Color me befuddled.” Okay, now we’re getting pumped for a new detergent called WISK. Hey, that’s Elmer Fudd’s favorite table-top strategy game!

8:12 PM As I poked my head up into the rafters and turned on my flashlight, I was like, “You’re probably about to see something gruesome. Keep your cool.” And then I basically just moaned and groaned for the next two hours. Where was Guy Fieri? Nowhere I could see. Uh-oh, he just brought some kind onstage and let her say “Minute to Win It!” and then said, “You’re about this close to taking over my show.” Yeah, that’s right, Guy … I’m coming for your JOB. Let me make an announcement on your show; you’ll never regain control from me.

8:08 PM Here’s a commercial for a movie called “Cats and Dogs: Something something,” which reminds me of what I did today, which was retrieve a maggot-infested cat corpse from the rafters of my garage (if you are one of my facebook friends, you know this already). Anyway, it was brutal. Lesson: When your garage starts smelling weird, do not hesitate — INVESTIGATE. Instead I was all like, “Oh, it’s probably a seasonal smell, related to pollen.” Yeah right! It was related to about 10,000 pounds of dried-up cat poopoo and an emaciated cat with grubs and bugs crawling all over it like some vision of Dante’s nightmare on Elm Street. I entered a spiritual malaise over that action. Oh, wait — Minute to Win It is back on! They gotta force a golf ball through a grill or something? Roll golf balls into the vent-holes on a grid lid? YES, SHE CAN. $5,000 is theirs!

8:07 PM This Tide detergent commercial is BORRRRRRRING

8:06 PM Is Guy Fieri wearing sunglasses backwards? Who is this guy? LOL, those cutaways to commercials are pretty normal, right? I always assume NBC’s satellite has fallen out of orbit. WHAT MANIACS ARE BEHIND THIS SHOW???

8:05 PM Guy Fieri’s commentary is especially banal this evening. How I loathe him … yet envy him.

8:03 PM Are you ready for your next challenge? It’s called “Wind-Up Bird Chronicles.” You gotta hang out in the bottom of a well for like five days. You’ve got a minute to win it! Just kidding, it’s a challenge with a kite. They have to run around with a kite. It’s called “High As A Kite.” (Minute to Win It producers having a LOL over that one.)

8:02 PM The thing I like about this show is it feels choppily edited. Which is rare for a game show. So it feels a little bit surreal — a little off-kilter, like a Murakami(sp) story.

8:01:50 PM Here’s Guy Fieri in his latest bowling shirt, announcing the new game “Loop De Loop,” in which they must roll a hoop over a bottle. America, are we ready?

8:01 PM Tonight all the contestants are sorority sisters? Are you serious? “America, I love you more and more each day. I have finally chosen you over the Taliban.”

8:00 PM It’s a Minute to Win It beach party! With my longstanding foe Guy Fieri!

7:58:40 PM Jeep commercials are still the best: “I live. I ride. I am. Jeep. I am a human Jeep. Bow down before me.”

7:58 PM Let’s go, let’s do this, let’s win it in a single minute! All things are possible through (via?) the Lord.

I’ll be liveblogging “Minute to Win It” tonight at 8:00 PM EST.

The response to the pencil-sharpening business has been amazing.

Today I sharpened more pencils than any other day of my life!

The National Post interviewed me about artisanal pencil sharpening:

I read an article which said this could be seen as a response to the state of political cartooning: there are no jobs out there, so you have to turn to something else. Did that factor into your decision to start this project?

I wish I had thought of that! No, I never made any connection between this project and political cartooning. The irony is that I never even used pencils when I was a cartoonist; I did it all using clip art. But the idea of laid-off cartoonists turning to trades like pencil sharpening and ink-stain-removal to make ends meet is very poignant.

Read the rest here. Check out the first comment; I love it!

Who doesn’t love a fun Facebook campaign?

Please support our campaign to get me booked on the David Letterman show for a live pencil-sharpening demonstration!

(I think you have to be on Facebook for this to work.)

Okay, so it’s decided: We’re going to start a big campaign to get me on the David Letterman show for a pencil-sharpening demonstration. More information soon …

Thanks to blog reader SM for forwarding this chilling video:

See, this is the dark future of pencil sharpening … UNLESS we re-dedicate ourselves to artisanal practices!

I’ll be the John Henry of pencil sharpeners if I have to … if that’s what it takes to prove the age-old law: MAN IS BETTER THAN MACHINE.

8:59 PM They’re going home with $125,000. And that’s the end of the show. Guy Fieri, can you feel me breathing down your neck? I’m coming for your JOBS, son.

8:57 PM Damn he nailed it in like 10 seconds! This kid Kyle is a world-beater! Everybody is hugging each other! It’s like a rave with gadgets and gizmos.

8:56 PM Level 7: Propeller Head, based on a Chinese Toy from olden tymes. Launch a propeller into a basket. Can they do it? First they must discuss it in complete sentences and articulate their fears and desires. Kyle’s going for it! Big pressure …

8:53 PM “Super Coin,” bounce quarters into a water jug. Do it in a minute and you win one million dollars. They just got an audience member … here he goes … plucked from anonymity to destiny … flicking quarters for a cool million … GO FOR IT … He will never, ever, ever, be able to do this. This is worse than a carny game! Guy Fieri: “That one, had it been over about 8 inches, woulda gone in.” LOL, pretty close.

8:51 PM Who knew Uncle Ben’s microwave rice could make such a hip commercial? Wait, I’m really down on this Swiffer ad b/c it makes fun of regular ol’ brooms! WTF, brooms rule! Swiffer sucks! I don’t trust Swiffer; they irradiate the mop heads or something, right? They’re messing with molecules and that’s not right. I don’t trust Swiffer … and that’s that.

8:49 PM They’re going for $125,000. That’s more money then I’ve ever seen in my life.

8:47 PM Emotional moment, here. Kyle is speaking about his grandfather and getting choked up. Hug from Guy Fieri … and guess what? Papa Jack is on the line! Music? Tugging at heartstrings … Papa Jack? Totally reading from a script. C’mon, Papa Jack, just freestyle. Don’t read some producer’s script!

8:45 PM Guys, she failed. They only have one life remaining … One Life to Live, as it were. The decision has been made: Kyle will attempt Raisin the Bar for $75,000. He better flick those bottles like a champion … Flick one: NO Flick two: YES Flick three: YES Flick four: YES And we’re in Monkey Mode yet again! This guy Kyle is really good at this gameshow.

8:44 PM Time for Lisette to do a challenge called “Raisin the Bar,” where she has to find a single raisin in McSorley’s. (j/k) She has to flick a matchbook out from under a bottle. Where’s the raisin? I’m confused yet again by my favorite new show…

8:42 PM Okay, here’s Sticker Picker Upper: They gotta use a goddamn EGG to pick up stickers off a platter without cracking the egg? “Yagottabekiddinme!” The guy is going for it: “I practiced this one at home.” Do they know the games ahead of time? I’m confused. The woman: “Balance is all about breath.” That’s some yoga-wisdom, right there. Oh, he’s CRUSHING this! WIN! “Level five, complete!” $50,000! Blast that happy music! Is that NeYo? It’s what I imagine NeYo sounds like? (BTW am I typing NeYo with sufficiently esoteric typography?)

8:41 PM One thing I like about this show is how people all over America play the challenges at home and then post their videos on the internet. MTWI FTW!

8:40 PM I like this commercial. I’m gonna buy a Jeep. “I live, I ride, I am. Jeep.” That’s me in a nutshell.

8:36 PM “Are you in it to win it, or are you gonna dash with the cash?” They move on to the next level … Sticker Picker Upper! In this challenge, you have to pick up a 50-pound bag of rice using an old Bush/Cheney bumper sticker.

8:34 PM “Level Four … FAILED. You have two lives remaining.” Ominous pulsing music helps the mood. Oh Jeez, this feelings-talk is crrrraazy! He’s gonna try again … more spoons, more chances to win, but also? More chances to fail. Oh shit, he’s ROCKING the spoons! He always chokes on that third spoon, though, right guys? HE DID IT! Umm… he just went into “monkey mode” I think he literally beat his chest he was so happy.

8:32 PM His mission: Use a spoon to flick a spoon into a glass. He’s not doing so well. I woulda called this challenge “Spoon Flick Madness From Beyond the Realms of Sanity.”

8:31 PM How come Guy Fieri gets to host this show AND Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, my favorite other show??? What’s he got that I don’t got? I can make my hair look like that! I can wear a big bracelet! C’mon, guys, give a guy a break! (And I don’t mean “Guy” guy … I mean me!)

8:29 PM Outback Steakhouse crab legs lookin’ good to eat. I love that the Outback Steakhouse ad is followed by a heart-attack medication ad. That’s the kind of thing that gets people in offices yelled at.

8:28 PM In this challenge they have to eat a bucket of metronomes. It’s called “The Big Tick-Tock Challenge.” (j/k, you know me, I gotta make a joke.)

8:25 PM Guide a thread through ten sewing needles! She’s going for it because, as she says, “I sew.” This is for $5,000. Umm… easiest challenge ever. Even though the sewing needles are getting smaller … Damn she’s doing it with her hand on her hip. That’s bad-ass. And she won! $5,000 in the bank and they show NO SIGN of slowing up!

8:24 PM She’s gotta pop a ball into a basket using a blanket. Damn this one is tricky. “It’s like some nightmare version of tiddlywinks from the depths of Satan’s soul.” (That’s how I would describe it.) WELL, GUESS WHAT? Satan is crying in his beer, b/c she just WON!

8:22 PM They just showed footage of people learning that they’d been selected for MTWI and completely freaking out. I love this show. This new task is called NutSucker Extreme! (j/k) It’s called Whippersnapper, and the contestants are articulating the HELL out of their decision vis a vis which one of them should compete.

8:21 PM Worst Chrysler commercial ever. That’s a bad Arby’s ad and a bad Chrysler ad all in one show. I’m disappointed. But this KFC ad keeps kickin’ ass with its new jingle! And all the close-ups of the juicy and crusty chicken body-parts.

8:20 PM Law & Order Los Angeles??? Are you freaking kidding me, you freaks? They can’t take our ka-chung sound to the West Coast! Get your own sound.

8:18 PM Homeboy just yanked the SHIT out of some ribbons. They just made thousands of dollars. “She told me to calm down and I calmed down. We’re a great team!” (Life lesson, hello? “The Collected Teachings of Minute to Win It,” St. Martin’s Press 2011)

8:17 PM They gotta pull colored ribbons out from under water bottles. Oh, wait, this couple don’t know each other. Pressure’s on! Could these contestants be any more articulate, by the way? He’s gotta yank those ribbons!

8:15 PM Next contestants: A NY couple living “The American nightmare” since the economy collapsed. “We have accumulated too much debt.” Hello, class war! Is MTWI (MInute to Win It) totally Marxist??? I hope so.

8:12 PM He’s frazzled. He’s totally frazzled. His fiancee is telling him he’s steady, but he’s jittery. We’re talking about a half-milli! How could he not be freaked? It’s looking shaaaaky …OH SNAP HE DID IT!!!! HIM = WIN, ME = FAIL!!!! Extreme NutStacker win for $500,000! The music is pumping!!! “Before this gets out of control, you have one life left. You are one challenge away from a million dollars …” Are they gonna keep going, or take their money and go home? Their parents are like, “Take your money and get the fuck out.” They’re taking the $500 Gs!

8:11 PM They have one last chance. One last dance, one last star to hitch their wagon to … one last try! The man is going for it. My prediction: TOTAL FAILURE WITHIN TEN SECONDS.

8:10 PM Watching the replay … he stacked those nuts, but they didn’t last for three seconds! Tragedy. “Level 9, Failed!” So says the female robot-voice who controls their destiny.

8:09 PM That was the most boring Arby’s commercial of all time.

8:08 PM Eat Pray Love commercial! Guys, how psyched are we for this movie??? (Just talking to the guys here.)

8:07 PM We gotta go to the tape on this, after the commercial. The female contestant: “Oh my God, this is insane!”

8:06 PM He’s stacking those nuts … uh-oh, looking shaky. One more nut …GLORY NO, he dropped the stack of nuts!!! He had to hold it for three seconds! But it wasn’t quite long enough. Riot in the studio???

8:04 PM Who competes next, the man or the woman? Jesus, these contestants are really talking about their feelings! It’s like In Treatment up in here. The producers must tell ’em to talk to each other like that. Now the guy has to try the nutstack challenge … can he succeed where his fiancee failed? My prediction: HELL NO

8:03 PM Umm, this music? What planet did it come from? Is this Britney Spears from Belgium, year 2035? I gotta say, she’s stacking those nuts like a total champ! WHOA Dammit, the nut-stack collapsed! Now they face a choice …

8:02 PM Do it, do it! They’re going for $500,000! Stack the nuts! Okay, what she has to do is, slide nuts of a chop stick onto a cutting board to create a pile of ten nuts. She has ONE MINUTE TO WIN IT …

8:01:50 PM The challenge is called “Extreme Nutstacker.” I love my new favorite show that I’ve been watching for two minutes.

8:01 PM GUY FIERI, are you kidding me? This dude has all my dream jobs. I want to host every show he hosts. Okay, they have to build the leaning tower of Pisa made out of nuts(?)

8:00 PM Here we go! Karate instructor and bartender compete for one million dollars! THIS IS MY SHOW, THIS IS MY SHOW, I’M FINALLY WATCHING MY SHOW