Minute To Win It Liveblogging, Part II

8:59 PM That’s it, my second episode of MTWI is over. See you next week!

8:58 PM If the two members of Team Awesome don’t copulate and create a race of beautiful superhumans TONIGHT I am going to sue everybody.

8:56 PM Goddamn, “Team Awesome” member Nate (the guy with the big biceps) just channeled the HELL out of my dear old beloved housemate B.G. from back in Boston days. He was talking about his background in mathematics and how it’s gonna help him complete this challenge where he’s gotta roll a marble down a ruler. That was cool.

8:54 PM What if one day Guy Fieri went crazy and introduced the challenge and then turned to the contestant and said, “You’ve got a WEEK to win it. Take your time.” Lawsuit from the producers to Guy Fieri. Investigative report from TV Guide. Wait, umm… sorry to stop making my humorous comments, but when did G.F. totally change outfits? Now he’s dressed in “Miami Evening Casual With High Probability of Buffalo Wings.” Is this the most slapdash show of all time?

8:53 PM Okay, back to “Team Awesome.” Here’s their Level 2 challenge: “Supreme Gas Huffer.” Huff a lot of gas and then fall down. Just kidding, of course, it’s called something else. Hey, as long as it’s not called, “Drag This Dead Cat Into This Bag While Balancing On A Ladder And Gagging,” I’m into it.

8:51 PM Nobody will ever, ever, evvvvver win “Super Coin” for the one million dollar prize. Ever. You might as well eat a roller coaster in a minute. Ie, it’s a fool’s errand.

8:50 PM “Super Coin.” Play for a million dollars. You might as well just play the lottery. Hey guys, do we think G.F. has tattoos? How do we find out? I bet he has a tattoo of a big plate of nachos on his back.

8:48 PM Well, thanks to that Hebrew National ad, I now I know who I’m voting for in the 2010 “Least-Lookin’ Like Queen Elizabeth In A Commercial” Election. Was she really supposed to be Queen Elizabeth?

8:47 PM Fruit smoothies at McDonald’s, and the commercial’s music sounds like Kronos Quartet on X (the drug “ecstasy”.)

8:46 PM These contestants have named their team “Team Awesome.” I subtract 5 charisma points from their total.

8:45 PM Are you kidding with how attractive these contestants are? That guy Nate’s arms are lookin’ BANGING. He even has that too-old-for-emo-yet-semi-emo hair that drives the ladies BONKERNANAS.

8:44 PM Time to play Tilt-A-Cup. This game looks well neigh impossible. If I was Edgar Allen Poe’s raven, I’d say: “You’ll win this game NEVERMORE.”

8:42 PM The judges declared that the sorority sisters did not play by the rules. BUSTED. They go home in shame. And the sausage factory continues its grind: Two new contestants, who just happen to be the most physically attractive game-show contestants in television history.

8:40 PM Still hating on this Chrysler commercial.

8:38 PM Ooh, NICE shot of #2 pencils in this Office Max commercial. Damn, that was hot.

8:36 PM Oh, snap! Did they cheat? Did they violate scuba-flipper-tennis 101? First these messages … here’s an ad about a car that has a fancy radio that works like a TiVo or something.

8:35 PM Next: A mutated form of tennis using scuba flippers and a cooler. “What vision of hell be this?” (That’s what Aristotle would say if he was watching this.) “What taste of madness hath now alighted upon my old-timey tongue?” (Another option for ol’ Aristotle.)

8:34 PM G.F.’s goatee is more complicated than I thought at first.

8:32 PM Can they do it??? I think they can. The clock is on their side … Victory is at hand! $50,000 in the pocket! The sorority girls are happy. They both hugged G.F. Umm … the sorority girls’ parents look YOUNGER THAN ME. What’s up with that? Am I really that old? I’m older than the parents of contestants on game shows???

8:31 PM Time to roll marbles through a pool noodle for $50,000.