Minute To Win It Liveblogging, Part I

8:29 PM Little sister is a bit of a scene-stealer. Has she been coached by the producers? My inner Seymour Hersh says YES. Hello, I just realized G.F. is wearing panama shorts or capri pants, or whatever you call them. Hmm. Maybe I can’t step to him after all.

8:28 PM I stand before you humbled and ashamed. They won Whippersnapper. They advance to the next round. Guy Fieri: “That was intense.” See, that’s why he’s a bad host. I woulda been like, “Ladies, that was super intense. That was one of the most amazing things in all of human history, except for that one time when I had a dead cat in my garage.”

8:27 PM This challenge is called “Whippersnapper,” but these girls know it as “Soulcrusherandmakeyougohome-er.”

8:26 PM Who wants to eat a pound of cocaine with me and then go see “Charlie St. Cloud?”

8:25 PM Oh, Arby’s-dad. You lucky bastard! (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:24 PM Oh, Nick Drake. You poor guy. (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:22 PM That dead cat was smelling “not nice.” Okay, these ladies only have one final chance left in their quiver of possibility. They just plain ol’ cannot seem to whip the ping-pong balls into the innertube. OKAY THAT WAS A CLASSIC, INSANE CUTAWAY, RIGHT? (Anybody watching the show will know what I’m talking about.)

8:21 PM This innertube will be these ladies’ Waterloo. (That’s the battle where you lose, right?)

8:19 PM Sorority sisters failed to bounce balls into an innertube. News at 11. How much blood is on your hands, Mr. Fieri? Why do you wear sunglasses on the back of your head?

8:18 PM Look at this family playing homegrown Minute to Win It and being immortalized on television. You know what? There’s something about this show I don’t trust … I’m just starting to get a weird vibe from MTWI. I’m going into Seymour Hersh mode.

8:17 PM Eek! Rats in a park! News at 11:00. “Truth is stranger than fiction.”

8:14 PM Does Dove make soap and chocolate? “I don’t a-get it.” Now I’m watching a commercial about some new kind of phone from T-Mobile that can do all these amazing things like send a photo to your brother? Again, “Color me befuddled.” Okay, now we’re getting pumped for a new detergent called WISK. Hey, that’s Elmer Fudd’s favorite table-top strategy game!

8:12 PM As I poked my head up into the rafters and turned on my flashlight, I was like, “You’re probably about to see something gruesome. Keep your cool.” And then I basically just moaned and groaned for the next two hours. Where was Guy Fieri? Nowhere I could see. Uh-oh, he just brought some kind onstage and let her say “Minute to Win It!” and then said, “You’re about this close to taking over my show.” Yeah, that’s right, Guy … I’m coming for your JOB. Let me make an announcement on your show; you’ll never regain control from me.

8:08 PM Here’s a commercial for a movie called “Cats and Dogs: Something something,” which reminds me of what I did today, which was retrieve a maggot-infested cat corpse from the rafters of my garage (if you are one of my facebook friends, you know this already). Anyway, it was brutal. Lesson: When your garage starts smelling weird, do not hesitate — INVESTIGATE. Instead I was all like, “Oh, it’s probably a seasonal smell, related to pollen.” Yeah right! It was related to about 10,000 pounds of dried-up cat poopoo and an emaciated cat with grubs and bugs crawling all over it like some vision of Dante’s nightmare on Elm Street. I entered a spiritual malaise over that action. Oh, wait — Minute to Win It is back on! They gotta force a golf ball through a grill or something? Roll golf balls into the vent-holes on a grid lid? YES, SHE CAN. $5,000 is theirs!

8:07 PM This Tide detergent commercial is BORRRRRRRING

8:06 PM Is Guy Fieri wearing sunglasses backwards? Who is this guy? LOL, those cutaways to commercials are pretty normal, right? I always assume NBC’s satellite has fallen out of orbit. WHAT MANIACS ARE BEHIND THIS SHOW???

8:05 PM Guy Fieri’s commentary is especially banal this evening. How I loathe him … yet envy him.

8:03 PM Are you ready for your next challenge? It’s called “Wind-Up Bird Chronicles.” You gotta hang out in the bottom of a well for like five days. You’ve got a minute to win it! Just kidding, it’s a challenge with a kite. They have to run around with a kite. It’s called “High As A Kite.” (Minute to Win It producers having a LOL over that one.)

8:02 PM The thing I like about this show is it feels choppily edited. Which is rare for a game show. So it feels a little bit surreal — a little off-kilter, like a Murakami(sp) story.

8:01:50 PM Here’s Guy Fieri in his latest bowling shirt, announcing the new game “Loop De Loop,” in which they must roll a hoop over a bottle. America, are we ready?

8:01 PM Tonight all the contestants are sorority sisters? Are you serious? “America, I love you more and more each day. I have finally chosen you over the Taliban.”

8:00 PM It’s a Minute to Win It beach party! With my longstanding foe Guy Fieri!

7:58:40 PM Jeep commercials are still the best: “I live. I ride. I am. Jeep. I am a human Jeep. Bow down before me.”

7:58 PM Let’s go, let’s do this, let’s win it in a single minute! All things are possible through (via?) the Lord.