Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA — WINNER!

Do you like books? Are you, like me, the son of a librarian? Are you a fan of shameless pro-book propaganda? And most importantly, do you like synthesizer noises from beyond the eighth dimension?* Then you will enjoy this week’s WINNING FFO VIDEO:

Look how hard those kids are chillin’ with their books at (1:13)! How do you not love those poses? Basically, this video represents one librarian’s dream of a TOTAL BOOK RIOT. “Got my book out / I’m reading for fun / laughing out loud again”

(*You’ll know when you hear it.)

BOOM! Books take first place this week! Friday Face-Offs = reading for fun!

Okay, that was Friday Face-Offs “Election Fever Edition,” aka “Party In The USA,” aka “Newt Gingrich wants all these kids to work as janitors.”

Have a great weekend!

FFO #1

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 3rd Place

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Do you like hardcore music, tough guy? Then you like this:

This band is called SWAG SO CRAZY, and they are more hardcore than your most favorite-ist most hardcore band. (Check out the sign they made — you can see it on the bass drum.) Also check out their amplifiers; I wish I could sprinkle fairy dust on them so they would grow 1,000 times in size and bludgeon us with their sounds.

(Sometimes I’m reluctant to include videos like this in FFO competition, lest people think I’m having a laugh at kids’ expense, but I actually sincerely dig this version. It’s soooo specific, you know? It makes me happy — all music performed in school cafeterias makes me happy, because it reminds me of being a kid and grappling with pop music and electric guitars for the first time, which is exhilarating, and that’s why Rick Santorum has my vote because he was the original drummer for Die Kreuzen and not many people know that, but it’s important.)

Friday Face-Offs! ONLY TWO VIDEOS REMAIN! Who will be President, and who will be Vice-President? Only time will tell …

PS: Does anyone reading this remember Old Skull? I just read a Wikipedia article about them and it made me sad.

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 4th Place

I only hope Newt Gingrich realizes that when he builds his high-falutin’ American colony on the moon, these dudes will be waiting to greet him:

“Greetings Lord Gingrich — we have slumbered on this lunar landscape for 10,000 years; now we welcome you with our version of humanoid Miley Cyrus’s immortal Party In The USA!”

And Gingrich is like, “Oh no, are you Chinese people? I wanted to colonize the moon before the Chinese astronauts got here!”

And these guys are like, “No, we are obviously indigenous Moon Soldiers; can’t you see our uniforms?”

And Gingrich is all, “Oh, right. Well, do you guys at least believe in the socialist-secular tyranny that threatens the very foundation of American greatness?”

And they’re like, “Dude, we’re literally playing Party In The USA on xylophones ‘n’ marimbas ‘n’ whatnot ON THE MOON, what more do you want from us?”

Boom! Newt Gingrich just got serrrrrrved, moon-marimba style.


Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 5th Place

I love this!

Professional blogger-discretion forbids me from admitting how many times I’ve listened to this in the past 72 hours. Who would’ve thought that slowing and reversing Party In The USA would lead to a melancholy sludge-fest that should leave Kyuss shaking in their boots? The bridge is positively religious. I promise if you listen to this on headphones you will feel really happy, like you’re sucking a purple-syrup sunset through a straw made out of beach-trip memories.

The reason I like reversed/slowed/chopped music is it reminds us how much sonic information lies within every pop song, no matter how insidious and un-serious it may appear at first. It’s like hidden treasures, am I right or what? (HINT: I’m right.) Dr. Luke’s masterly zwhip-zhwoop sound is even more glorious in this version.

(Also, if I was the kind of guy who got full-body back tattoos of elves wandering through fog-storms*, the image for this video would have me sorely tempted.)

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS. We’re having a Party in the USA, and that’s why Mitt Romney has my vote, because he obviously loves to party!!! Go Team Mitt, I support you no matter how rich you are! I LOVE WEALTH, ILL-GOTTEN GAINS FTW

(*Don’t worry guys, I’m not. But I hope you are!)

One more thing:

Friday Face-Offs!

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 6th Place

These weirdos really nail the guitar lick from Party In The USA! THIS IS A HOT MILEY CYRUS COVER, GUYS:

(In all seriousment, I remember the first time I heard this song. It was at the Cat’s Cradle [famous rock ‘n’ roll club in my hometown]. Not to brag, but I was standing next to Eddie [Polvo drummer] and I was like, “What is this amazing jam?” and he said, “This is Dinosaur Jr’s new single” and I was like, “Goddamn Dinosaur Jr. is on a hot streak right now, they could play this at Major League baseball games and everyone would go crazy!” And another thing is, I usually consider guitar solos the singular lowest form of human artistic expression, but Mr. Mascis’s solos are so over the top, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for them, because even though 90s alt-rock was anti-guitar solo for the most part, J. Mascis was like, “I enjoy smoking many multitudinous amounts of marijuana and shredding my Fender Jazzmaster, so if you’ll just excuse me, I’m about to solo your face off for a hot minute. And this is one of his greatest solos; it sounds like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade fighting its way out of a wormhole.)

And as long as we’re picking non-Party In The USA songs for this week’s Party In The USA FFO, and as long as this week’s installment was inspired by the American political process (aka THE ULTIMATE PARTY), let’s enjoy the following video, which I found after searching for “Party In The USA + Tea Party”:

“You want to take from the achievers / somehow you think that’s fair / and redistribute to those folks / who won’t get out of their easy chair!” Daaaaammmnn, did you know unemployed people don’t even sit in regular wooden chairs?! They sit in easy chairs — the laziest form of chair. That’s cold! (And completely accurate and level-headed and that’s why Newt Gingrich has my vote from now until his ninth wife. [And also I would like to a hear screamo version of this wonderful song.])

My other favorite lyric from this song is “Now we’re not advocating violence / that’s what the so-called ‘peace crowd’ do,” because it reminds me of all the incredibly violent peace protests of the last few years, when all those people got murdered by peace protestors. I think it was like 40,000 people who got strung up and gutted by Code Pink, and there was that one peace protest in NYC when they had to shut down Fifth Avenue because of all the steaming entrails and decapitated heads and explosions, but maybe I will check my historical encyclopedia to confirm that.

“You’ve tried the rest, now try the best: FRIDAY FACE-OFFS.” Our fifth-place winner is up next!!!

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 7th Place

Ukulele Player: I just won four gold medals at the Olympics!
Banjo Player: And I just graduated from Shiny Mer-man University! How should we celebrate?
Ukulele Player: Let’s record a ramshackle version of Party in the USA.
Banjo Player: AGREED. The only problem is I don’t have time to figure out the bridge, is it okay if we just go into “yelling acapella” (sp) mode?
Ukulele Player: I hereby consent to your audacious song-hacking!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! Next song coming up next!

Friday Face-Offs: Party In The USA – 8th Place

Can you believe we’re actually having a Friday Face-Offs? I know, it’s amazing. You can thank me by sending roses and fresh corn on the cob to my bio-dome!

The address:

123 Friday Face-Offs Ave.
Unit 456
New York State, USA

Anyway, I’ve always had a soft spot for monotonous screamo versions of bubblegum pop. These guys do a pretty good job of defiling Miley Cyrus’s masterpiece:

(It’s fun to pretend this was Ms. Cyrus’s original demo of the song, and then the producers were like, “Umm, we’re thinking we should take the song in a more pop direction,” and Miley Cyrus was like, “Urrrggggghh!”)

Back to reality: The breakdown at (2:11) is insane/great/bewildering, like all good pop music. (You heard it here first: All good pop music is bewildering.) My one criticism of this recording is they should’ve kept the crazy-catchy guitar lick at the beginning of the original, because it’s crazy-catchy and would probably sound bad-ass in drop-D or whatever Spencer’s-Gifts tuning those young screamo kids are using these days.

But enough of my kvetching: There’s a party in the USA going on, and we have to get into it! FRIDAY FACE-OFFS


If you’ve been feeling despondent and sickly since April of last year, it’s probably because that was the last time I posted an installment of FRIDAY FACE-OFFS.

Friend, are you ready to feel healthy and whole again? I hope so … because Friday Face-Offs is back with a VENGEANCE!

Friday Face-Offs

Friday Face-Offs is the only internet tradition that has the vitamins and minerals you need to thrive, jive, and just plain survive in this modern era we live in called “Computer Times.”

I put a lot of thought into which songs to pick for FFO, and this week’s edition is no different. I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but America has caught a case of ELECTION FEVER, with candidates talking on TV and driving around the country looking for votes and money and whatnot. It’s a grand tradition, this democracy thing, and America does it better than anyone else — probably because we are the world’s oldest democracy, dating from 1439 A.D., the year of the first election in the American colonies! (“Pilgrim Joe” vs. “Fur-trapper Bartholemew.”)

Anyway, I was thinking about the election and how it’s sort of like a big nation-wide party — after all, there’s yelling, and funny costumes, and kissing (babies), and fighting, and lies, and cheering, and every so often somebody goes nuts and takes off their clothes before throwing up and collapsing in a pool of their own sick (Newt Gingrich, usually). Basically, ELECTION 2012 is gonna be our PARTY in the country of THE USA, and that’s why …

… this week’s Friday Face-Off is “Party In The USA” by SUNN O))) Miley Cyrus!!!

You can watch the original video here:

What can I say? I used to hate this song*, but now I love it. Dr. Luke is an amazing pop producer — he always manages to “make me move my hips, like, yeah.”

Okay, so let’s get to it! FIRST VIDEO IS UP NEXT! It’s Friday Face-Offs!!!

(*Surely, referring to a thankless cab driver as “the taxi man” is one of the most condescending things a teen-pop idol can do, right? Not to mention, getting excited about a Jay-Z song after landing at LAX is blasphemous; she should’ve picked a west coast MC like Boots Riley [LOL])