10:02 PM Nice spin-move! Weird yet pretty. Here comes the footwork sequence … “insane,” per the announcer (Scott Hamilton?) … it’s the Lone Ranger music! Oh shit, cowboy time up in here! He’s dancing and prancing … “considered the best spinner in this competition …” true, he’s spinning like a “meh-feh.” Still spinning … spinning … even more spinning … OH SHIT HE JUST SPUN THE SHIT OUT OF THAT SPIN

10:00 PM Gave up 4.7 base points b/c he didn’t do a triple axel … he goofed the quad-toe, just lost more points … he looks good though … he’s dancing on the ice … WHOA THAT WAS a funky move …

9:59 PM Okay, time for another figure-skater … A Swiss guy … the flag-bearer of the Swiss Olympic team … wearing kind of a steam-punk outfit … this must be the BoingBoing Olympics … his name is Lambiel … okay here we go “His costume looks overpowering … burdensome …”

9:58 PM Again with the Canadians trying to trick me into visiting Canada …

9:55 PM Documentary about famous snowboarder Shawn White … he built his own private half-pipe on the side of a mountain so he can practice in secret … ARGGHH the class-warrior in me must root against him…

9:52 PM Commentator on snowboarders: “It’s not enough to be good. You gotta be cool, too.” Words to live by.

9:50 PM Awaiting the scores for Takahashi (the emo guy who just killed it) … here we go … some kind of delay … OH shit, 90.25!!! “It’s on!” We got an ice-skating contest on our hands!!!

9:48 PM HELL yes! “Welcome back! WOw! Thta was done with such personality …” The other commentator: “That was HOT!” No argument here, we’re knee-deep in the hoopla right about now …

9:47 PM This Japanese emo kid is CRUSHING … THE OLYMPICS ARE BACK!!!

9:45 PM OH FUCK YEAH WE AT THE OLYMPICS NOW, BABY “Beautiful triple axle” hell yeah, analyze these jumps!

9:44 PM Ice skating rules. WHen you see some dude skating around wearing a freaky sparkling outfit, you’re like “It’s Olympics time.”

9:43 PM OKAY, HERE WE GO Men’s figure skating. THis Japanese skater has emo hair!!! Is this the first emo-hair-olympics? EMOLYMPICS …

9:42 PM Here’s what’s going on in my house: Last night’s leftover popcorn with smushed up tortilla chips and lime and hot sauce … INTO THE UNKNOWN …

9:37 PM Man I need to drink a beer about this.

9:37 PM Whoa whoa whoa Bob Costas– no pocket square??? WTF WORST NIGHT OF OLYMPICS EVER … dontchanow …

9:36 PM I’m kinda bummed for Jacobellus … those post-race interviews will be brutal … “What went wrong for Lindsay Jacobellus…” replay now … she landed wrong or something … over-corrected … dude she’s BUMMED … her dad is bummed … “no chance to silence the critics and fans alike …”

9:33 PM Guess what? Jacobellus just completely flamed out!!! WHOA she went off the course … “I”m still in shock” … she’s gotta be hating life right now … this was her chance to avenge herself … OMG she’s bummin’ …

9:31 PM Actually I’m kinda feeling the blue lines on the snow on the snowboardcross track … reminds me of TRON … did any of you guys see that movie, it was great … that was one of my favorite video games, too … that joystick was glowing and see-through like a “muh-fuh.” Some lady just won another snowcrossboard race contest, btw …

9:30 PM More snowboard-cross racing … I wish I had that special kind of satellite dish where you can watch every single thing at the Olympics, I would be all over some ice-dancing right now…

9:27 PM If any of my readers are at the Olympics right now reading these posts on their RSS feed, could they please go to the snowboarding track and hold up a sign that says “http://www.mnftiu.cc rules” when the camera sweeps by? Thanks …

9:26 PM This commercial has a gorilla in a car talking about annuities or some such shit I can’t even understand …

9:25 PM A show where marriages in crisis are analyzed by Jerry Seinfeld??? “What will they think of next?”

9:23 PM “Play smart, play fast …” snowboard koan from the announcer … Jacobellus is burnin’ … the snow is all like “Swoosh, swoosh,” here we go, huge jump … last turn … she won the race! Advances to the next round …

9:22 PM Her outfit is psychedlic … very “BOb-COstas pocket-square” … riders ready … GO!!! … they’re off … Jacobellus in the lead … somebody fell …

9:21 PM Oh shit this is important! The woman who screwed up last time doing a triple hangie-louie (or whatever) is back for the gold!!!! Her name is Lindsey Jacobellus … expect hardcore liveblogging … NOW…

9:20 PM Cool, the guy in the GEICO commercial looks like me! (Liveblogging at its finest … get pumped …)

9:18 PM Just FYI, we’re resetting the soul-patch count for tonight’s liveblog. Current tally: 0 (Women’s snowboarding, dontchaknow…) (Is that how you spell dontchaknow? Dontyaknow? Huh? I’m gonna crack that nut, figure out how to spell it, and then use it all night …)

9:17 PM BestBuy makes computers???

9:16 PM Seriously, with the snowboard cross, guys? With these blue lines spraypainted all over the snow? The crowd hooting and hollering like savages? Why can’t the Olympics just be figure skating? I don’t like events that look like Xbox commercials. “Editorial content provided by your blogger …”

9:14 PM Whoa, Gabrielle Union is really pretty! Now I’m watching all these Canadian celebrities try to convince me to visit British Culumbia (sp) whatever that is … some kind of island colony or something …

9:12 PM By the way, tonight I’ve traded wine for stout. Expect a darker, more brooding intensity to my blog posts …

9:11 PM WHAT’D I MISS??? SOME SNOW???

9:08 PM Okay, gimme a minute to go grab my bowl of rice and beans.

9:07 PM WTF, another Omega watches ad? … “Some say time is an illusion …” I think we’re in for a night of some deep-ass metaphysical ads about wristwatches …

9:05 PM Cool ad from Omega watches … understated, elegant … just like my blog …

9:03 PM Damn, one of these ladies is wearing a total motorcycle helmet! It looks bad-ass! Why don’t figure skaters wear motorcycle helmets, they certainly crash enough … Am I right or what people … we’re doing this … liveblogging …

9:02 PM: Let’s do this. More snowboarding tonight … looks like women this time … goddamn snowboard cross AGAIN???

I’ll be live-blogging the Olympics again tonight (unless they’re already over). Things pop off starting around 9:00 PM EST…

BREAKING NEWS … someone please donate some PayPal money so I can go buy a bottle of wine for tonight’s wine-blogging. You will get a full shout-out during the blogging …

Thanks!

Reader RS chimes in from the great wintry wilds of Brazil:

cheers from sao paulo, brasil!

loving the live-blogging of vancouver games, plz keep it up. i’m watching here (there are five brasilians in these olympics) and thankfully there are few commercials . . . but sadly no bob costas, and therefore, no pocket square…your description has me googling an image to satisfy this curiousity…it must be good, i feel it.

Umm, yeah, you could say that! By the end of the night, I was laughing out loud (or, “LOL”ing) every time they cut back to Bob Costas and his pocket square.

From longtime reader MR comes this heartfelt appreciation of what an awesome job I did last night when I basically live-blogged the Olympics into the ground:

I haven’t had a television since I was nineteen years old, so as you can imagine it’s been a long time since I watched the Olympics. Now, thanks to you, I feel I have watched them all–all those lost glorious years returned to me through the magic of wine blogging. I just really appreciate it. I love America now.

It was my pleasure. Not sure if I’ll be able to blog tonight; it depends on multiple factors beyond my control. I would suggest checking back in around 9:00 PM EST.

The verdict is clear: After 3+ hours of frenzied wine-blogging, mnftiu.cc became America’s best source of real-time Olympic news and analysis. I’m gonna go buy a pocket square.

Also, my head hurts.

11:56 PM “The Russian streak is over.” China on the rise.

11:48 PM Has it really been 3+ hours of blogging? I’m getting tired. I’m more tired than an ice-skater on a downhill luge with fifty snowflakes flying out of their butt.

11:43 PM I think we’re gonna see some Chinese people on the podium tonight. THey did good.

11:42 PM Finally! SOmeone got thrown in the air and spun around and didn’t fall down. Feels good. These two are rippin’ the ice to shreds. Shit is about get melted into water, son.

11:40 PM Are you kidding me with how far that guy just threw that girl up in the air when they were on ice skates?

11:36 PM Mr. Brown Trousers did pretty well … damn, bro, talk about your “buns of steel” … the cameraman just got an eyeful …

11:34 PM Yulia Tymoshenko

11:33 PM Mad upside-down shit goin’ on right now … the woman’s hair reminds me of that one lady from Ukraine … you know who I’m talking about? The Princess Leia blonde woman?

11:32 PM Figure-skater-wearing-brown-trousers alert …

11:27 PM Strong finish by the RUssians, but still … “Fine line between wanting it and wanting it too much …” Maybe that will be the Russians’ downfall? “Surprisingly disappointing performance”– just like this live-blog, NOT!!!

11:23 PM The Russians are looking solid … good leg extension … he’s dragging her around by the leg … now they’re smiling … she skates for Russia but she was born in Japan … for her, skating comes first … audience is clapping along, in the spirit of the moment … ACK SHE BUSTED FLAT ON HER ASS … OMG now he’s holding her upside-down!!! “Not prepared for a performance like this at all” … maybe they got in over their heads?

11:21 PM Here they come: The RUssians. Can anyone stop them? They’re in the #1 position right now … they will skate last … WAIT … they’re skating NOW … repeat … Russains skating NOW …

11:19 PM Costas going DEEP on the figure-skating analysis … of course, my attention is fixated on a certain pocket square … why does it make me laugh so much? I dunno, but I like it … goddamn what is this guy talking about, I can’t even focus on ice-skating analysis anymore … He’s like, “In pair skating, two must skate as one…” What is this, Kung-Fu For The Chicken Soup of the Soul? Am I right or what people …

11:16 PM Did I just watch a commercial about a special faucet that you can turn on with … your hands? Huh??? And now here’s goddamn Morgan “Migraine” Freeman going on about VISA once again … ENOUGH …

11:13 PM Watching a mini-documentary about this American snowboard woman who lost the gold medal last time b/c she tried to do a front-side ollie or whatever (some kind of trick like in Thrasher magazine) and she busted on her ass and came in second … now she’s back and ready for GOLD … we wish her peace and all blessings in her quest …

11:08 PM Of course he has a soul patch. That brings the count to 5.

11:08 PM “Back-to-back golds for Seth Wescott.”

11:07 PM Guys, seriously, snowboarding is jammin’. I didn’t know you could pass a guy while snowboarding.

11:07 PM ALL OF A SUDDEN I’M TOTALLY INTO SNOWBOARDING!!!

11:06 PM OH SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME HE WON THE GOLD MEDAL IN HIS BLUE JEANS!!!

11:05 PM This American guy Seth Wescott (sp) is about to maybe win back-to-back golds in snowboard-related program activities … let’s see what happens … it’s for the medal, now … snowboard cross or whatever the hell it’s called … uh-oh, Wescott in fourth … Nate HOlland is DOWN … no chance for a medal … Seth Wescott passes the French guy … go Wescott … comin’ up … oh shit, Wescott is burning … OH FUCK OH SHIT

11:01 PM Whoa… they showed a little teaser about Russian figure skating that was so intense I got a little scared … can anyone stop the Russians?

10:56 PM Okay, I think those Canadians just rocked it to “The Way We Were.” I was just totally eating popcorn and grooving to it.

10:49 PM SALTINES COMMERCIAL LIVE-BLOGGING: WHy would I want a cracker that makes my soup explode all over the place like a nuclear bomb just went off in it?

10:48 PM Forget everything I just said about the Russians … I just realized the guy has a SOUL PATCH … that brings tonight’s “Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count” to 4.

10:47 PM Not into the “Love Story” theme … feels cliched, a little stale … how about figure-skating to “Maps” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that’s a romantic song with a modern feel … those big drums would lend themselves to some cool choreography … I’ll say one thing though, these Russians are BURNIN’ … if I ran a modeling agency I would sign them to a 3-year exclusive contract with 10% commission on all photoshoots and a 10% reprint clause with unlimited reprints …

10:44 PM THe ice is positively melting underneath these beautiful RUssians … dear god I love popcorn so much … oh wait, they just messed up a little …WIAH FFDSF I thought he was about to drop her … seriously, blessings and peace to all figure-skaters, please no accidents …

10:42 PM No way is that Chinese pair gonna remain in first place … dude, she totally fell all over the place! And also the commentator said they were “non-musical…” okay here come the Russians … oh man, they are soooo attractive and good-looking, and he’s wearing dress shirt and slacks like he’s on lunch break from Conde Nast, and they’re skating to “Love Story…” I predict they’re about to make it wet …

10:40 PM That was like Alexander Calder double-jointed-mobile shit!

10:38 PM whoa what the fuck was that

10:35 PM More falls from the Chinese pair. I will say, though, this violin music is jammin’. You know how sometimes a violin can sound like a butter-soaked hatchet chopping down a door? That’s what this is like … okay now they’re spinning around … now they do that thing where they’re spinning on one leg and they start crouching down … that’s one of my favorite moves … “The Chinese really do excel at throws and twists…” Zoiks, he just about threw her across the room … good thing she didn’t fall like last time, I guess she tore a ligament in her knee … can you imagine … at the OLYMPICS …

10:32 PM POPCORN I LOVE YOU POPCORN

10:31 PM Are you serious? “The Russians have won 12 straight gold medals in pairs figure skating.”

10:28 PM Canadian couple about to begin their figure skating routine. Annabelle (the female) looks like she’s 13 years old. Oh cool, they’re ice-dancing to the Grand Canyon Suite. I own it on vinyl (not to brag, but whatever). Okay, here they go … “so athletic, so determined…” OUCH, the girl just fell … a sigh from the audience … c’mon keep going … now he’s lifting her in the air, crowd cheers … all is forgiven … just have fun on the ice … one problem with this pair? I think? Is that the guy is like three feet taller than li’l Annabelle (sp) .. they look a little discombobulated … but I’ll tell you what’s not discombobulated, is Bob Costas’s pocket square, when can we see it again? Okay, enough fuckin’ around, I might be DRUNK … mad LOLs whenever I think about that pocket square … I LOVE THE OLYMPICS …

10:23 PM Okay, focus: Time for a serious piece of telejournalism about a Chinese ice skater. I’m so stoked that they opened with a Chinese proverb, b/c now I know it’s about to get soooo Chinese up in here … actually, a little personal fact about me is I went to China a few years ago with my high school friends. If we ever transfer the videos to DVD, I will post some mind-blowing footage. Anyway, back to this story: Apparently some CHinese guy is trying to teach people to ice-skate? Whatever, I don’t care. “Tell your story on the ice,” that’s what I say.

10:21 PM I think the wine just kicked in, b/c I’m totally laughing about that amazing post about the Gatorade commercial below.

10:20 PM Totally feeling this Gatorade commercial.

10:19 PM GUESS WHO’S ABOUT TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN EATING POPCORN

10:09 PM Gimme a minute to make this popcorn. I’ll be back in a minute. Hopefully I won’t miss any commercials, LOL.

10:08 PM Okay, not to be too much of a dork, but can I just say? If you win a gold medal at the Olymipcs? LOL, you’re probably pretty SAD. When they’re playing your national anthem and everyone from your country is singing along (“Oh Canada, we love you so much,” or whatever) are you kidding me? You’re fucking so stoked it’s not even funny.

10:05 PM Canada in the house … we’re about to hear their national theme song, called “Oh Calcutta!”

10:03 PM Hmm … is Canada going very buck-wild for their gold-medal winners, first ever Canadian gold medal winners when Canada is hosting the Olympics???

10:02 PM Okay, back to Bob Costas and his pocket square, who I am desperately trying to have “cyber-sex” with … does anyone know if twitter.com/costaspocketsquare is still active …

10:00 PM This skier is like, doing upside-down twirls and shit in honor of his brother …

9:59 PM Oh shit, get those hankies ready … a story about a Canadian skier whose brother has cerebral palsy and who inspires him … I love shit like this … Mom, if you’re reading this live-blog, you better mobilize for crazy amounts of tears and sniffles … “He’s got a wicked level of determination.” (Skier talking about his brother.) FEELING THIS …

9:57 PM That’s it, I’m definitely boycotting Morgan Freeman. Look, dude: You can make “the Bucket List,” or you can make VISA commercials, but you can’t make both.

9:56 PM Okay, let’s see what the judges give these guys, my new ice-skating heroes … (remember 10 is the best, 0 is the worst [I think]) … oh snap they just KILLED IT with a great score which I couldn’t understand … it was like 140 or something? (Isn’t a good score like 923 or something?) WAIT … Dude are you kidding me? Another commercial? I just finished watching the other commercials you showed me … Okay, here’s a commercial for “SHutter Island,” a new thriller from the mind of Martin Scorcese … it looks like a jail on an island with old people crawling around and Leonardo DiCaprio (sp) starts losing his mind … maybe I’ll see it when it opens at Fishkill Regal Cinemas, my favorite movie theatre …

9:49 PM They just did a triple-loop … we’re on some next-level ninja shit right now … Reverse Lassoo (sp) lift … one hand, one foot … “which makes it even more difficult” … music reaching a crescendo … feeling this … FEELING THIS … she’s upside-down … they’re spinning around … graceful … they’re looking into each other’s eyes … now they’re going really fast … now he’s lifting her up by her private parts … now it’s OVER!!!! CROWD GOES WILD!!!! FUCK YEAH GIVE IT UP FOR AMANDA IVORE AND MARK LADWICH (SP)

9:46 PM How can people stretch their legs when they’re flying around on ice skates? It’s amazing. “It’s amazing the things you can do these days on ice skates.” (My quote to myself.)

9:45 PM So far, so good. Somebody better step up and pay these kids’ mortgage … Hodgman I’m looking at you …

9:44 PM Fuck yeah, we’re getting some economic/class analysis goin’ down!!! These American figure-skaters are struggling with the mortgage. I’m about to root my ass off for them … I hope their routine is set to Billy BRagg songs …

9:43 PM I just got confused by a car commercial. That’s how old I am. Can you have wi-fi in a car???

9:41 PM I always like how the figure skaters seem so graceful and calm and effortless, and then the announcer interviews them and they’re panting like they just wrestled a bear to death.

9:40 PM Bob Costas was NOT happy about that ice situation I just mentioned. He said it was “unacceptable” and that he was going to “talk to my pocket square about the situation and maybe it’ll jump out of my pocket and go buck-wild and murder some motherfuckers.” (Just kidding about that second quote.)

9:39 PM Pretty cute Tropicana commercial. <-----LAMEST THING EVER TYPED? 9:37 PM Dude, they had to delay the 500M ice-skating race b/c some idiots couldn’t figure out how to make the ice smooth or something … total fuck-up on behalf of the ice technicians … you gotta be kidding me! C’mon Olympics, are you trying to win a gold medal in fucking up? They didn’t shave the ice or something … On the other hand, I’m like: “Dudes, it’s fuckin’ ICE. Just skate on it. It’s not like you’re gonna hit a rock or a bagel or something.”

9:35 PM ANybody know if Bob Costas’s pocket square has a facebook account? Because I’m feeling it.

9:31 PM Okay lemme try this wine real quick.

9:30 PM OH my GOD would everyone please stop snowboarding?

9:28 PM I’m old-school. There should be three Olympics events: 1.) Figure skating 2.) Skiing racing 3.) Ice running. THE END.

9:27 PM This event isn’t worth the snow it’s printed on.

9:26 PM Live from Cypress Mountain … the Olympics present: WHAT? More goddamn “Snowboard Cross,” the biggest fake-ass Olympics event ever??? Wanna know why I know this isn’t a real sport? Because dude is wearing BLUE JEANS. WHy don’t you eat a cheesesteak while you’re at it?

9:23 PM I’ll tell you who’s gonna win the gold medal for “most commercials”: THE OLYMPICS

9:22 PM You know what? I’m considering boycotting Morgan Freeman. Ironic, isn’t it, considering he just portrayed Nelson Mandela, a man whose country was itself the object of multiple boycotts? Gold medal in irony, I just won!!!

9:21 PM Now I’m watching in iPHone commercial. Waitaminute, it’s a Samsung phone.

9:19 PM The people just finished ice skating. Time for a commercial featuring Rascal Flatts.

9:19 PM Finished the last of the merlot; moving on to the 2008 Pelta Valencia.

9:16 PM WHy aren’t the announcers commenting on the figure skating? This is weird. I like it when they analyze everything: “Here comes the triple-axle … and … BEAUTIFUL! That will be worth 3 points from the judges.” I can’t sit here and watch these people skate around and not know if they’re doing a good job or not …

9:14 PM Wait a minute: Is this all pre-recorded? Am I live-blogging a bunch of pre-recorded stuff? I thought this was live!!!

9:13 PM Goddamn, NBC just flashed so much figure-skating data on the screen, my head started hurting.

9:12 PM Thank god, figure skating. This is what I was waiting for.

9:10 PM Oh snap, Bob Costas just called out his outfit and his guest’s outfit! “We look like the glee club at a boarding school,” oh shit, he must be reading my live-blog … much love to you BOb Costas you always look great!

9:09 PM You gotta be kidding me, they’re doing a special report about tight finishes in the Olypmics, about how things are measured in 1/100ths of a second? WHo cares, man? “If you can’t measure it with a sundial, it’s bullshit,” that’s what I say … I think everyone who finishes within 10 seconds of each other should be considered a tie … Yeah, I said it: PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE OLYMPICS

9:07 PM Bob Costas is back … sitting at a desk this time … talking to some guy with wrinkles … he’s wearing a blazer with a vest … I like that style, actually. AND a tie. Very preppy look, but it works for this guy. Bob Costas’ pocket square is still jammin’ so hard …

9:06 PM STARS HOLLOW FOR LIFE

9:05 PM Not feeling this new Gilmore Girls rip-off starring Lauren Graham (sp) from original G.G. …

9:03 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count: 3

9:02 PM Okay, this is the third Snowboard Cross race event in a row. I’m getting bored. (Or should I say, “board,” given that the event features boards?)

9:01 PM That Lou Reed commercial again! What in the world?

9:00 PM “How do you stop a killer who’s still in jail?” A thought-provoking question from a movie commercial I just saw.

8:59 PM They’ve got Morgan Freeman recounting classic Olympics moments, but his voice is such a cliche now, I can’t get excited. Plus he’s doing it for VISA, an evil financial-services company … THUMBS DOWN, MORGAN FREEMAN.

8:58 PM Oh shit they’re doing more Snowboard Cross racing! Helmet cam, are you kidding me? Will wonders never cease. I think the Russian is winning … okay they all just made a jump … this is like the quarterfinals or something, ANOTHER WIPE-OUT??? No, he recovered– thanks to his snowboard. Goddamn some dude just flew through the air like a maniac on his snowboard … photo finish … “too close to call” … people are yelling and cheering … first place goes to … waiting … waiting … where are the results … come on … who won the snowboard race? … waiting … “barely a quarter of a board-length…” the Austrians won the race … “an explosive semi-final!”

8:55 PM Winter Olympics Soul-Patch Count so far: 2.

8:54 PM I thought this was called Snowboard, but it’s called “Snowboard Cross.” OMG it’s like a snowboard race with multiple dudes going all at the same time! … SOMEBODY FELL … our thoughts are with his feet and ankles … the snowboarders are flying through the air … one guy is way out front … I think he’s American … I get it: It’s like surfing, but with snow. I understand. Okay, two Americans were eliminated but two will advance in this event.

8:53 PM Whoa, they just put some statistics in an ice cube!

8:52 PM SNowboarding! This should be good … a hot new sport … I’ve never watched it before …

8:50 PM Why is California making a commercial about itself? Nobody’s trying to move to your broke-ass state that’s always on fire.