5:02 PM Game over. Spain is the soccer champion of the world! Congratulations to all the team who participated in this year’s World Cup. You will never be forgotten. World Cup 2010: The Legend Continues.

5:01 PM Come on, big orange!

4:58 PM Nederlands is screwed. Spain is dancing on their grave. All the tulips are turning black and dying. All the hash brownies are losing their mystical powers.

4:57 PM Things are looking grim for the Dutch. Time is not on their side, the numbers are not on their side, and soccer is not on their side. Can they pull off a Dutch miracle?

4:55:10 PM glglglglglglglglglg Nederlands is PISSED! Card out. There’s a card out! Was Spain offsides? What’s going on? Comedy and tragedy, we have it all!

4:55 PM Gl gl gl gl Spain scored!

4:54 PM Come on, guys. Score a goal. Bounce-off! It was a total bounce-off! Arrrggh

4:52 PM Looks like a penalty kick situation. I’m not sure because I’m so bored.

4:51 PM I wish they would show celebrities watching the game in the stands. Why don’t they do that? That’s like my favorite thing. “Celebrities, they’re just like us.”

4:49:12 PM Cards, whistles everywhere! Players are getting sloppy and frustrated. They definitely should not operate heavy machinery right now … they’d run somebody over with a forklift.

4:49 PM Nederlands is hurting. Free kick 21 meters from the goal. And … they biffed it. Spain sucks eggs from a hen.

4:48 PM No dice! Red card! red card! The worst card of them all! Free kick against Nederlands! Chaos! Vuvuzela overload! The Nederlands just lost a player. They are officially FUCKED.

4:47 PM Everybody’s tired. Spain surrounded by Dutch players. What font is that on the Dutch uniforms?

4:46 PM My promise to you: If someone finally scores in this cockamamie soccer game, I will NOT type GOOOAAAALLLLL! I will type “gl.”

4:45 PM Throw-in. Here we go. Spain on the march. Nederlands goalie grabs it. No dice. Do the math. Make it work. Just do it. Kick it. Can’t touch this.

4:44 PM The ball goes one way, then it goes the other way. That’s soccer in a nutshell.

4:42:50 PM Live shot of Amsterdam: 100,000 potheads in the streets cheering for their team …

4:42 PM Who would win in a fight between a basketball team and a soccer team?

4:41 PM Spain on the run … the running of the bulls … trampling Nederlands underfoot … but Nederlands have bulls of their own, Amsterdam bulls … tulips and canals every which way … the CHicago Bulls, that’s a good basketball team …

4:40 PM Score score score score score

4:39 PM Come on. Somebody score a goddamn fucking goal NOW.

4:37 PM Now they’re getting tired … they’ve been playing soccer for 1,502 minutes with almost no breaks and no food …

4:36:12 PM NUTMEG!

4:36 PM That looked like a goal, but it wasn’t! Optical illusions are REAL, people!

4:34 PM I’m starting to think #11 Robben is a good soccer player.

4:33 PM Spain again doing their passing exercises … now pushing in … but Nederlands got ’em tangled …

4:32 PM Spain missed the header; they could have scored but the didn’t. “Euro soccer tragedy.”

4:31 PM Are all the referees male models?

4:30:15 PM One thing I could never be in a million trillion years is a soccer goalie.

4:30 PM Oh man that goalie just PWNED

4:29 PM Spain is chillin’ right now, just passing it back and forth …Dean Smith four corners style

4:28 PM How come soccer players don’t break their legs every 5 minutes? Steroids?

4:26 PM, part 2: Okay, this is a 15-minute period. I get it.

4:26 PM I can’t tell what’s happening. The regular half is over. Is this sudden death? First team to score wins? Or is this just a good ol’ all-American overtime situation?

4:25:04 PM Referee conference on the field! “The sixth world cup final that has gone to a world cup final” (subtitle on tv)

4:25 PM AUDI cars. They look good. Now here’s a commercial about a guy with a magic finger that can make a picture of a soccer ball turn into a real soccer ball, aka world’s dumbest super-power.

4:24 PM These people are yelling across the coffee shop about what kind of cookie they want. “Human Vuvuzela”

4:23 PM Oh wait, I get it — I bet Christo sued AT&T because their commercial looked like one of his crazy art projects.

4:22 PM Nick Drake in a commercial? ARRGGGGHHH Along with Christo the maniac artist? WTF

4:20:31 PM A word from our sponsor? Are you serious? FIFA! What does it stand for? Futbol International Fun Agenda.

4:20 PM Smoke ’em if you got ’em! 420 marijuana world cup! You gotta root for the Nederlands, because they have Amsterdam, aka “Drug City USA”

4:18 PM Spain in control … dribbling the ball (soccer-style dribbling) … some players are just standing around. I guess they’ll start running if the ball comes near them.

4:17 PM This is it … I have a feeling this is a big posession …nope. Nederlands stoel it. BIG PSS too far, can’t reach it …

4:16:34 PM I wish the referees used vuvuzelas for the whistles. Wouldn’t it be cool to see them running around with a vuvuzela around their neck?

4:16 PM He couldn’t run fast enough. If only he had run a little faster, Nederlands would have scored a goal. WHISTLE WHISTLE no goal

4:14:01 PM I think these guys realize time is running out and they should stop slacking. The game feels more hectic now.

4:14 PM Nederlands in control … big push … whistle called: Double dribble.

4:13 PM The Spanish coach is imparting some wisdom to one of his players: “Hey, maybe how about you score a goal? Si?”

4:12 PM People love coffee.

4:10 PM Okay guys, after 150 minutes, I think we finally might have a soccer game on our hands.

4:08 PM Dude, that was exciting! I was sure Nederlands was about to score!

4:07:24 PM Damn, I was sure Spain was about to score. dffffffffffff

4:07 PM “Hurry up and win, guys! I’m late for Duran Duran practice.” (said by Nederlands coach)

4:06 PM Spain can’t find their inner groove. And neither can Nederlands. Maybe they should introduce a third team: THE SPACE WARRIORS

4:04 PM I bet soccer referees are physically fit, because they have to run around all day making sure nobody shanks anybody.

4:03:40 PM Waterfall / Bubbling Creek / Gentle Rain / VUVUZELA

4:03 PM LOL, what if those white-noise machines people use to fall asleep had a “Vuvuzela” setting?

4:01 PM Somebody just wrote me and said I should root for Mexico. Umm, what are you smoking? Mexico isn’t playing in the championship! This is Spain vs. Nederlands, get it right! Maybe Mexico is playing in some off-brand World Cup, but this is the real world cup, the one where you win a trophy that looks like a golden alien abortion.

4:01 PM Good point from a reader re: who to root for:

Whoever wins, people from that country are going to be partying HARD tonight. Are there more Spanish or Netherlandish people in your area? How hard do you want to party tonight? These questions will guide you.

3:59 PM Throw-in! Nederlands #2 looks for an opening … Spain steals the ball … whoops, whistle on the play … #6 for Spain has a lower-back issue … maybe don’t spend so much time in your chair looking at internet sites …

3:58 PM God, is there anything more terrifying than playing soccer and then someone passes the ball to you? That was always my ultimate nightmare.

3:56 PM Spanish fans are heartbroken that they just missed that goal! Ouchie-wowchie! Here’s their next attempt — straight into the goalie’s arms … whoa was that a player substitution? Cool, I didn’t know you could do that.

3:54 PM I wish I could hear the TV announcers, but everybody’s ordering coffee and talking about stuff … they’re like human vuvuzelas. Okay, here we go. Nederlands are on fire right now, but now Spain is on fire … nice defensive kick by Nederlands, looks like we’ going to have a throw-in … dudes this guy just walked into the coffee shop he looks just like Perez Hilton! (Deep shame that I know what Perez Hilton looks like, but whatever.)

3:53 PM Damn, are people flailing very much in this game? People are flailing every which way! Oh man I was sure that was gonna be a goal, but Spain’s defense was just too tight.

3:52 PM “It Doesn’t Matter How Much You Spend on Your Childrens’ Private School, They’re Going to Die in a Fire, You Dummy” (slate)

3:51 PM “You Thought You Knew Everything About Beach Towels, But You Don’t” (slate)

3:50 PM Real-life DRAMA: Somebody just asked me if I was Chip! Who’s Chip? I’ll be Chip! Does he own a boat?

3:48 PM Just skimmed an article on Slate.com called “Everyone who loves soccer should root against the Dutch.” Okay, I’m rooting against Spain then. I get so tired of Slate.com headlines: “Hey! Stop Listening to Piano Music!”

3:47 PM Who am i supposed to be rooting for, anyway? When I liveblogged the Olympics, it was easy: America rules, everyone else drools. But now? Who do we want to win? Everybody email me and tell me who to root for. (Link bait, this’ll drive up my SEO numbers and get me a sponsor for my banner ads.)

3:44 PM I don’t know what kind of vitamins are in this ice cream, but it’s making me feel incredible.

3:42 PM Player down! Holding his leg! (And moaning, too, I bet, although we can’t hear it.) One of the proud Spanish bulls has been felled by the Nederlandisch bullfighter! “Toreador-a, don’t spit on the floor-a,” am I right???

3:39 PM Here we go, Spain. Nope. The Nederlands goalie just kicked the “sheeeeart” out of the ball … wait, wait, here they come … something about the colors makes it look like there are 100 orange dudes and only 10 blue dudes … I think Nederlands perfected “psychological color warfare…”

3:37:95 Announcer: “The stakes are high. They can’t be higher, really.” I second that emotion.

3:37:52 PM Hey! How about one of these teams score a goal?

3:37 PM “The patchouli liveblogger”

3:35 PM Mmm somebody just walked into this coffee shop wearing lots of patchouli … I’m thinking about getting way into patchouli … I think I kinda like how it smells! I’ve lost all my prejudicial anti-hippy feelings about it that I used to have in college …

3:34 PM Spain’s #8 was just schooling some dudes on “Fancy Footwork 101” … Corner kick … now the ref is schooling some players on “Fair play 101” … now there’s chaos … the Spanish player missed the cross-header pass fadeaway on goal … “better luck next time”

3:33 PM Nederlands got a little too excited and passed the ball too far ahead of the other guy. Calm your nerves, guys: You’ve got 120 minutes to score (that’s how long soccer-game halves are, right?)

3:32 PM This is it, gang: the second half of the World Cup final. If one of the these teams wants to win the World Cup, now is the time to do it …

3:30 PM Pretty cool ad for choicehotels.com … now there’s a muscular guy walking around in different environments for Old Spice deodorant … now they’re promoting a special episode of “Dancing with the Stars” where the only musical accompaniment is 500 South African orphans playing the vuvuzela…

3:28:50 PM I think the announcers are saying that so far, this game is ugly. It’s not pretty soccer, it’s skanky soccer. Well sometimes it great ugliness to produce great beauty … especially in “futbol…” LOL could I be talking out of my ass any harder?

3:28 PM I call this part of the halftime show the “slow-mo slider report.”

3:27 PM Damn, I really should liveblog me some golf … talk about something I know nothing about … “Par under four bogey.”

3:26 PM Christiane Amanpour, what’s she up to? Does she have a new show about the news? We should check it out … get informed …

3:25 PM What’s going on with this golf commercial? Oh, it’s a Heineken commercial. For some reason that thing felt 20 minutes long … also, E*trade baby commercials? I’m not a fan of those commercials.

3:24 PM Reader feedback:

dear david,

i am at work. on a sunday. alone. with the world’s slowest computer. i can’t find anyone streaming the game online (espn, what gives?!) i guess i could download some random-ass program for live streaming. but on this computer that would take until the next world cup to accomplish.

it is therefore with genuine and actual gratitude that i thank you for your philanthropic services to mankind by liveblogging the match so that i, your humble reader, can still enjoy the great game of soccer though i am imprisoned in my workplace.

That’s why we do it! To make people’s lives better.

3:21 PM First half highlights: A big Nederland header on goal that missed … a Spanish shot that was deflected by the Nederlands player … and that crazy Spanish shot that went wide … and some other stuff.

3:17 PM Half-time! Thank God, let’s get some beer commercials up in here.

3:16:45 PM Spanish goalie is about to kick the stuffing out of that ball … boom big header from Nederlands! (A header, for all you non-soccer idiots, is when you hit the ball with your head like your head is some kind of freaky-ass foot.)

3:16 PM Good thing that Spanish goalie wasn’t checking his Blackberry … he totally just prevented a goal!

3:14 PM Big kick from the goalie … Whsitle on the field … when I heard the whistle I said, WHOA, and everyone looked at me like I”m some kind of freak … well maybe I am, maybe I’m a freak– A SOCCER GAME FREAK

3:13 PM Big ol’ throw-in from Spain … they’re making their push … YOWCH Nederlands stole the ball … they’re making their “Dutch push” … whoa, look at those cheekbones, am I right or what ladies?

3:12 PM Big penalty kick … the pressure’s on … Spain missed! Too wide! That ball went waaaaaaaaaaaaay off course … “The passion of Spain …”

3:11:34 PM I nominate that for “tumble of the day,” that guy spiraled out of control.

3:11 PM Whose game is it to lose? Is it Spain’s game to lose, or Nederlands’ game to lose?

3:09 PM Big kick! But no goal … the European way of sports … What a nice flag! It’s yellow and gold … Damn, the soccer players were scrappin’ under the net like NBA guys …

3:08 PM Anyway, back to the game: Spain has the ball, making a strong push towards the enemy’s goal … short passes and quick feet are their hallmarks … Nederlands can’t find purchase … Spain moves to the LH wing … MAN DOWN, whistle on the field! Somebody tripped …

3:07 PM I got mugged in Amsterdam, once. I should’ve liveblogged it … that would have been a “hot mess …”

3:06 PM Damn #10 on Nederlands is a ball-handling maniac! Ouch that one guy WHIFFED IT BAD … there will be no joy in ol’ Amsterdam tonight …

3:05 PM Goddamn what does it take to get a commercial up in here? My arms are tired.

3:04 PM Nederlands has it … taking their time … feeling the vibe, planning their attack … now Spain stole the ball … whoa, they just kicked it all the way back to the goalie! “Bold moves from the Spanish bullfighters” (My color commentary)

3:03 PM Corner kick! That brings back the memories from youth soccer. I can’t believe they do corner kicks in grown-up soccer, too.

3:03 PM “Face in crotch: A World Cup erotic adventure.”

3:02 PM Damn, even the Nederlands players’ sweat bands are orange? “They thought of everything.”

3:01 PM Now Spain has the ball … whistle on the field! Whistle on the field! Game on, the Spanish player displays some of the fancy footwork that made them famous, “El Espanol Futbol Supremo,” that’s what I call them …

2:59 PM Spain in control of the ball … making their move … big pass to center … bu tthe goalie gets it … now Nederlands has the ball … it’s in the goalie box, now it’s Waaaay upfield! Can they make their move? Now Spain has it … I’m predicting a goal on this run … wait, no, Nederlands has it! It’s going every whic way …

2:58 PM Yowch! “Attack of the soccer player.” A little rough-n-tumble on the field … soccer is not for wimps, that’s for sure … The Spanish player is clutching his heart … Heart attack on the field? Stranger things have happened in the game of life …

2:56 PM Player down on the field. Now everybody’s back up and at ’em. I forgot how soccer games just never stop. They go and go and go. No time-outs, no commercials — basically, guys, this is the hardest thign I’ve ever live-blogged.

2:55 PM World Cup joke: “Why are Nederlands players good at kissing?” Because they have tulips. (“Two lips.”)

2:55 PM Spasm on the field! That Nederland gu just got funky …

2:53 PM BIG ol’ kick from the goalie … everyone on the Nederlands team looks like the head of a marketing company … I find men like that really intimidating. The poise, the confidence, the sophistication … and what am I? Just some sclub doin’ the best he can, liveblogging stuff in the hopes of getting a movie deal about the world’s greatest liveblogger …

2:52 PM Spain in control of the bll … passing, dribbling … Nederlands in control now … whistle on the field! A classic trip move … here comes a penalty kick (I think) … everybody’s on fire … this is the WOrld Cup …. the soccer players get in position … TH EKICK…. GRABBED by the goalie!!!

2:51 PM I bet Philip Glass is mad he didn’t invent the Vuvuzula(sp), because this whole stadium sounds like one of his songs.

2:50 PM Here comes a throw-in. I remember those from my days of youth soccer. Don’t even get me started on my youth-soccer memories, we’ll be here all nightll.

2:49 PM Spain on the run … kicking the ball … Damn this one coach really looks like he’s in Duran Duran.

2:48 PM Who do you think is more physically fit: The average World Cup player or the average blogger? The answer … may surprise you.

2:47:46 PM How do they run so much without getting tired? Back and forth, back and forth kicking the ball. It must be positively exhausting.

2:47 PM Which coach is dressed like Versace McPrada? Easy, guy, it’s just a soccer game.

2:46 PM Anvil gets a yellow card! “Metal on metal.”

2:45:15 PM “Just passed the 15-minute mark …” World Cup announcers aren’t like other announcers.

2:45 PM Goddamn people weren’t kidding about those horns.

2:44 PM I’m watching this in a really crowded coffee shop. They have the shop divided into “Spain” and “Nederlands” fans. I was like, “Where’s the liveblogger skybox?”

2:43 PM That one guy on Spain looks like the guy from Anvil!

2:41 PM Spain is in the blue (?) uniforms and Nederlands is in the orange uniforms. Umm … are you sure those orange uniforms are bright enough? I have an orange hoodie that’s really bright and when I wear it, people get annoyed, so I can’t imagine what these Nederland guys go through.

2:40:30 PM Everybody screamed because the man almost kicked a goal.

2:40 PM This is the first WC game I’ve ever watched. Get ready for some analysis. The WC is basically like the Olympics of soccer.

2:39 PM It’s on. I’m watching the Wolrd Cup for the first time. Spain versus “Ned” (Nederlands).

I’m liveblogging the big LeBron James announcement! LET’S DO IT. DO IT DO IT. NIKE

9:35 PM: I’m going to move to Miami and become the world’s most passionate LeBron James fan. LeBron and I will liveblog EVERYTHING together.

9:34 PM: Thanks to ESPN for this comprehensive coverage. It helped me understand what was happening about “the man who announced what team he was going to play basketball for.”

9:32:10 PM: Ohio backlash? Could it happen? He’s giving props to Akron. He’s from Akron.

9:32 PM: Now the announcer is like, “Why do you hate Cleveland so much and why do you take pleasure from destroying Cleveland’s hopes and dreams?”

9:31 PM: Who’s this Dwayne Wade(?) guy they keep talking about? Is he another basketball player I gotta learn about?

9:30 PM: My instant analysis: “The Miami Heat just got a little hotter.”

9:29 PM: Correction: “Miami Heat Basketball Team.”

9:28:30 PM: LeBron is going to MIAMI, FLORIDA to play for the HOT MIAMI FIRE BASKETBALL TEAM.

9:28 PM: Making the announcement …

9:27 PM: LeBron James is talking about how he wants to win basketball games. I can only assume that’s a good quality for a basketball player to have: The desire to win.

9:24 PM: Basically, according to my analysis, all the teams want LeBron to play for them, because he’s really good at playing basketball and scoring very many points. Whoever gets LeBron will win the next 20 championships in a row. That’s my analysis and I’m sticking to it.

9:23:40 PM: They are really hyping this. I’m starting to think LeBron must be a good basketball player. WHOA, he went straight from high school to the NBA? Does everybody already know that? He must be a basketball genius!

9:23 PM: Breaking … LeBron James is RETIRING! “It’s all a joke, playing basketball for money. It’s stupid. I’m going to grad school.” AMAZING

9:21 PM: Goddamn! Onstar commercials are intense! Do people ever die in them? “My car fell underwater and we’re all trapped! Help me!” “Okay, this is Onstar headquarters, I have unlocked your doors and initiated remote-scuba-diving protocol. Your family will be safe.” “Thank you, ONstar.”

9:18:34 PM: Oh my god, people think he’s going to Chicago to play for the Bulls? Are you kidding? The Chicago 3-2 defense zone would never work with LeBron’s power forward shooting skills! Get a brain, guys: This is sports analysis! Get it right!

9:18 PM: LeBron James in a recorded interview, talking about how he wants to play basketball. Now the announcers are saying he’s going to Miami. One guy wants him to play in Cleveland. I think he should play in China. Yeah, communist China, I said it!!!

9:17 PM: Apparently this entire spectacle of LeBron James announcing where he’s going to dribble his basketball is called “THE DECISION.”

9:16 PM: ESPN radio … these guys are CRAZY FOR SPORTS …

9:15 PM: I hate to admit it, but this Verizon commercials has a fresh beat. Does Verizon license its jingles for ringtones on Verizon phones? They should be free. “Free advertising.”

9:13 PM: I hope LeBron James doesn’t go to the Knicks, because that’s the team in New York City, and I want New York’s sports franchises to collapse.

9:12 PM: One of the announcers is talking about the “Celtics model,” and whether it can work in Miami. What the hell are these guys talking about? How about this: Score as many dunks as you can. It ain’t rocket science, guys.

9:11 PM: Goddamn sports talk is complete mumbo-jumbo. I can’t tell what these guys are talking about.

9:10 PM: ANSWER: LeBron James plays “Small forward/guard.”

9:09 PM: Next data-bit we need to uncover: What position does he play? Give me a minute … I’ll find the answer, or my name isn’t “Basketball Researcher Jones.”

9:08 PM: Quick question: If LeBron James is so awesome, how come I barely know about him? I don’t even know what team he plays for.

9:07 PM: LeBron James is 25 years old … DEVELOPING …

9:05 PM: I’m gonna find out how old this LeBron James guy is. I have a feeling he’s in his 20s … developing …

9:04 PM: “So many twists and turns in this story …” This one announcer says it’s gonna be Miami. (Miami has a basketball team? Crazy.)

9:03 PM: Quick question. What is a free agent? Does it mean you can play basketball on any team you want, and then just quit in the middle of the game and switch sides and start playing against your own team???

9:02 PM: I found “ESPN Radio” on my internet music program. It sounds amazing. “The most coveted free agent in the history of the game” (I think the game is basketball, right? I’m not a big sports guy.)

9:01 PM: I think ESPN is making a whole reality show about this announcement re: where LeBron James will play his sports at.

9:01 PM: But it’s a rerun. I need breaking LeBron news … I’ll try to find ESPN on my internet radio.

9:00 PM: Okay, NPR is definitely not happening. OH WAIT — they’re talking about LeBron James!

8:59 PM: Arrrgggh Diane Rhem(?) Show reruns? Are you kidding me, NPR? We’re trying to learn about LeBron James and his amazing announcement! Come on, now!

8:54 PM: I don’t have ESPN. Will that be a problem? I’ll try to find coverage on NPR… developing …

LOL, I love Fred Kaplan.

In 35 years of following debates over nuclear arms control, I have never seen anything quite as shabby, misleading and—let’s not mince words—thoroughly ignorant as Mitt Romney’s attack on the New START treaty in the July 6 Washington Post.

In honor of this big travel weekend:

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