World Cup Liveblogging

3:30 PM Pretty cool ad for … now there’s a muscular guy walking around in different environments for Old Spice deodorant … now they’re promoting a special episode of “Dancing with the Stars” where the only musical accompaniment is 500 South African orphans playing the vuvuzela…

3:28:50 PM I think the announcers are saying that so far, this game is ugly. It’s not pretty soccer, it’s skanky soccer. Well sometimes it great ugliness to produce great beauty … especially in “futbol…” LOL could I be talking out of my ass any harder?

3:28 PM I call this part of the halftime show the “slow-mo slider report.”

3:27 PM Damn, I really should liveblog me some golf … talk about something I know nothing about … “Par under four bogey.”

3:26 PM Christiane Amanpour, what’s she up to? Does she have a new show about the news? We should check it out … get informed …

3:25 PM What’s going on with this golf commercial? Oh, it’s a Heineken commercial. For some reason that thing felt 20 minutes long … also, E*trade baby commercials? I’m not a fan of those commercials.

3:24 PM Reader feedback:

dear david,

i am at work. on a sunday. alone. with the world’s slowest computer. i can’t find anyone streaming the game online (espn, what gives?!) i guess i could download some random-ass program for live streaming. but on this computer that would take until the next world cup to accomplish.

it is therefore with genuine and actual gratitude that i thank you for your philanthropic services to mankind by liveblogging the match so that i, your humble reader, can still enjoy the great game of soccer though i am imprisoned in my workplace.

That’s why we do it! To make people’s lives better.

3:21 PM First half highlights: A big Nederland header on goal that missed … a Spanish shot that was deflected by the Nederlands player … and that crazy Spanish shot that went wide … and some other stuff.

3:17 PM Half-time! Thank God, let’s get some beer commercials up in here.

3:16:45 PM Spanish goalie is about to kick the stuffing out of that ball … boom big header from Nederlands! (A header, for all you non-soccer idiots, is when you hit the ball with your head like your head is some kind of freaky-ass foot.)

3:16 PM Good thing that Spanish goalie wasn’t checking his Blackberry … he totally just prevented a goal!

3:14 PM Big kick from the goalie … Whsitle on the field … when I heard the whistle I said, WHOA, and everyone looked at me like I”m some kind of freak … well maybe I am, maybe I’m a freak– A SOCCER GAME FREAK

3:13 PM Big ol’ throw-in from Spain … they’re making their push … YOWCH Nederlands stole the ball … they’re making their “Dutch push” … whoa, look at those cheekbones, am I right or what ladies?

3:12 PM Big penalty kick … the pressure’s on … Spain missed! Too wide! That ball went waaaaaaaaaaaaay off course … “The passion of Spain …”

3:11:34 PM I nominate that for “tumble of the day,” that guy spiraled out of control.

3:11 PM Whose game is it to lose? Is it Spain’s game to lose, or Nederlands’ game to lose?

3:09 PM Big kick! But no goal … the European way of sports … What a nice flag! It’s yellow and gold … Damn, the soccer players were scrappin’ under the net like NBA guys …

3:08 PM Anyway, back to the game: Spain has the ball, making a strong push towards the enemy’s goal … short passes and quick feet are their hallmarks … Nederlands can’t find purchase … Spain moves to the LH wing … MAN DOWN, whistle on the field! Somebody tripped …

3:07 PM I got mugged in Amsterdam, once. I should’ve liveblogged it … that would have been a “hot mess …”

3:06 PM Damn #10 on Nederlands is a ball-handling maniac! Ouch that one guy WHIFFED IT BAD … there will be no joy in ol’ Amsterdam tonight …

3:05 PM Goddamn what does it take to get a commercial up in here? My arms are tired.

3:04 PM Nederlands has it … taking their time … feeling the vibe, planning their attack … now Spain stole the ball … whoa, they just kicked it all the way back to the goalie! “Bold moves from the Spanish bullfighters” (My color commentary)

3:03 PM Corner kick! That brings back the memories from youth soccer. I can’t believe they do corner kicks in grown-up soccer, too.

3:03 PM “Face in crotch: A World Cup erotic adventure.”

3:02 PM Damn, even the Nederlands players’ sweat bands are orange? “They thought of everything.”

3:01 PM Now Spain has the ball … whistle on the field! Whistle on the field! Game on, the Spanish player displays some of the fancy footwork that made them famous, “El Espanol Futbol Supremo,” that’s what I call them …

2:59 PM Spain in control of the ball … making their move … big pass to center … bu tthe goalie gets it … now Nederlands has the ball … it’s in the goalie box, now it’s Waaaay upfield! Can they make their move? Now Spain has it … I’m predicting a goal on this run … wait, no, Nederlands has it! It’s going every whic way …

2:58 PM Yowch! “Attack of the soccer player.” A little rough-n-tumble on the field … soccer is not for wimps, that’s for sure … The Spanish player is clutching his heart … Heart attack on the field? Stranger things have happened in the game of life …

2:56 PM Player down on the field. Now everybody’s back up and at ’em. I forgot how soccer games just never stop. They go and go and go. No time-outs, no commercials — basically, guys, this is the hardest thign I’ve ever live-blogged.

2:55 PM World Cup joke: “Why are Nederlands players good at kissing?” Because they have tulips. (“Two lips.”)

2:55 PM Spasm on the field! That Nederland gu just got funky …

2:53 PM BIG ol’ kick from the goalie … everyone on the Nederlands team looks like the head of a marketing company … I find men like that really intimidating. The poise, the confidence, the sophistication … and what am I? Just some sclub doin’ the best he can, liveblogging stuff in the hopes of getting a movie deal about the world’s greatest liveblogger …

2:52 PM Spain in control of the bll … passing, dribbling … Nederlands in control now … whistle on the field! A classic trip move … here comes a penalty kick (I think) … everybody’s on fire … this is the WOrld Cup …. the soccer players get in position … TH EKICK…. GRABBED by the goalie!!!

2:51 PM I bet Philip Glass is mad he didn’t invent the Vuvuzula(sp), because this whole stadium sounds like one of his songs.

2:50 PM Here comes a throw-in. I remember those from my days of youth soccer. Don’t even get me started on my youth-soccer memories, we’ll be here all nightll.

2:49 PM Spain on the run … kicking the ball … Damn this one coach really looks like he’s in Duran Duran.

2:48 PM Who do you think is more physically fit: The average World Cup player or the average blogger? The answer … may surprise you.

2:47:46 PM How do they run so much without getting tired? Back and forth, back and forth kicking the ball. It must be positively exhausting.

2:47 PM Which coach is dressed like Versace McPrada? Easy, guy, it’s just a soccer game.

2:46 PM Anvil gets a yellow card! “Metal on metal.”

2:45:15 PM “Just passed the 15-minute mark …” World Cup announcers aren’t like other announcers.

2:45 PM Goddamn people weren’t kidding about those horns.

2:44 PM I’m watching this in a really crowded coffee shop. They have the shop divided into “Spain” and “Nederlands” fans. I was like, “Where’s the liveblogger skybox?”

2:43 PM That one guy on Spain looks like the guy from Anvil!

2:41 PM Spain is in the blue (?) uniforms and Nederlands is in the orange uniforms. Umm … are you sure those orange uniforms are bright enough? I have an orange hoodie that’s really bright and when I wear it, people get annoyed, so I can’t imagine what these Nederland guys go through.

2:40:30 PM Everybody screamed because the man almost kicked a goal.

2:40 PM This is the first WC game I’ve ever watched. Get ready for some analysis. The WC is basically like the Olympics of soccer.

2:39 PM It’s on. I’m watching the Wolrd Cup for the first time. Spain versus “Ned” (Nederlands).