World Cup Liveblogging, Second Half

4:42:50 PM Live shot of Amsterdam: 100,000 potheads in the streets cheering for their team …

4:42 PM Who would win in a fight between a basketball team and a soccer team?

4:41 PM Spain on the run … the running of the bulls … trampling Nederlands underfoot … but Nederlands have bulls of their own, Amsterdam bulls … tulips and canals every which way … the CHicago Bulls, that’s a good basketball team …

4:40 PM Score score score score score

4:39 PM Come on. Somebody score a goddamn fucking goal NOW.

4:37 PM Now they’re getting tired … they’ve been playing soccer for 1,502 minutes with almost no breaks and no food …

4:36:12 PM NUTMEG!

4:36 PM That looked like a goal, but it wasn’t! Optical illusions are REAL, people!

4:34 PM I’m starting to think #11 Robben is a good soccer player.

4:33 PM Spain again doing their passing exercises … now pushing in … but Nederlands got ’em tangled …

4:32 PM Spain missed the header; they could have scored but the didn’t. “Euro soccer tragedy.”

4:31 PM Are all the referees male models?

4:30:15 PM One thing I could never be in a million trillion years is a soccer goalie.

4:30 PM Oh man that goalie just PWNED

4:29 PM Spain is chillin’ right now, just passing it back and forth …Dean Smith four corners style

4:28 PM How come soccer players don’t break their legs every 5 minutes? Steroids?

4:26 PM, part 2: Okay, this is a 15-minute period. I get it.

4:26 PM I can’t tell what’s happening. The regular half is over. Is this sudden death? First team to score wins? Or is this just a good ol’ all-American overtime situation?

4:25:04 PM Referee conference on the field! “The sixth world cup final that has gone to a world cup final” (subtitle on tv)

4:25 PM AUDI cars. They look good. Now here’s a commercial about a guy with a magic finger that can make a picture of a soccer ball turn into a real soccer ball, aka world’s dumbest super-power.

4:24 PM These people are yelling across the coffee shop about what kind of cookie they want. “Human Vuvuzela”

4:23 PM Oh wait, I get it — I bet Christo sued AT&T because their commercial looked like one of his crazy art projects.

4:22 PM Nick Drake in a commercial? ARRGGGGHHH Along with Christo the maniac artist? WTF

4:20:31 PM A word from our sponsor? Are you serious? FIFA! What does it stand for? Futbol International Fun Agenda.

4:20 PM Smoke ’em if you got ’em! 420 marijuana world cup! You gotta root for the Nederlands, because they have Amsterdam, aka “Drug City USA”

4:18 PM Spain in control … dribbling the ball (soccer-style dribbling) … some players are just standing around. I guess they’ll start running if the ball comes near them.

4:17 PM This is it … I have a feeling this is a big posession …nope. Nederlands stoel it. BIG PSS too far, can’t reach it …

4:16:34 PM I wish the referees used vuvuzelas for the whistles. Wouldn’t it be cool to see them running around with a vuvuzela around their neck?

4:16 PM He couldn’t run fast enough. If only he had run a little faster, Nederlands would have scored a goal. WHISTLE WHISTLE no goal

4:14:01 PM I think these guys realize time is running out and they should stop slacking. The game feels more hectic now.

4:14 PM Nederlands in control … big push … whistle called: Double dribble.

4:13 PM The Spanish coach is imparting some wisdom to one of his players: “Hey, maybe how about you score a goal? Si?”

4:12 PM People love coffee.

4:10 PM Okay guys, after 150 minutes, I think we finally might have a soccer game on our hands.

4:08 PM Dude, that was exciting! I was sure Nederlands was about to score!

4:07:24 PM Damn, I was sure Spain was about to score. dffffffffffff

4:07 PM “Hurry up and win, guys! I’m late for Duran Duran practice.” (said by Nederlands coach)

4:06 PM Spain can’t find their inner groove. And neither can Nederlands. Maybe they should introduce a third team: THE SPACE WARRIORS

4:04 PM I bet soccer referees are physically fit, because they have to run around all day making sure nobody shanks anybody.

4:03:40 PM Waterfall / Bubbling Creek / Gentle Rain / VUVUZELA

4:03 PM LOL, what if those white-noise machines people use to fall asleep had a “Vuvuzela” setting?

4:01 PM Somebody just wrote me and said I should root for Mexico. Umm, what are you smoking? Mexico isn’t playing in the championship! This is Spain vs. Nederlands, get it right! Maybe Mexico is playing in some off-brand World Cup, but this is the real world cup, the one where you win a trophy that looks like a golden alien abortion.

4:01 PM Good point from a reader re: who to root for:

Whoever wins, people from that country are going to be partying HARD tonight. Are there more Spanish or Netherlandish people in your area? How hard do you want to party tonight? These questions will guide you.

3:59 PM Throw-in! Nederlands #2 looks for an opening … Spain steals the ball … whoops, whistle on the play … #6 for Spain has a lower-back issue … maybe don’t spend so much time in your chair looking at internet sites …

3:58 PM God, is there anything more terrifying than playing soccer and then someone passes the ball to you? That was always my ultimate nightmare.

3:56 PM Spanish fans are heartbroken that they just missed that goal! Ouchie-wowchie! Here’s their next attempt — straight into the goalie’s arms … whoa was that a player substitution? Cool, I didn’t know you could do that.

3:54 PM I wish I could hear the TV announcers, but everybody’s ordering coffee and talking about stuff … they’re like human vuvuzelas. Okay, here we go. Nederlands are on fire right now, but now Spain is on fire … nice defensive kick by Nederlands, looks like we’ going to have a throw-in … dudes this guy just walked into the coffee shop he looks just like Perez Hilton! (Deep shame that I know what Perez Hilton looks like, but whatever.)

3:53 PM Damn, are people flailing very much in this game? People are flailing every which way! Oh man I was sure that was gonna be a goal, but Spain’s defense was just too tight.

3:52 PM “It Doesn’t Matter How Much You Spend on Your Childrens’ Private School, They’re Going to Die in a Fire, You Dummy” (slate)

3:51 PM “You Thought You Knew Everything About Beach Towels, But You Don’t” (slate)

3:50 PM Real-life DRAMA: Somebody just asked me if I was Chip! Who’s Chip? I’ll be Chip! Does he own a boat?

3:48 PM Just skimmed an article on called “Everyone who loves soccer should root against the Dutch.” Okay, I’m rooting against Spain then. I get so tired of headlines: “Hey! Stop Listening to Piano Music!”

3:47 PM Who am i supposed to be rooting for, anyway? When I liveblogged the Olympics, it was easy: America rules, everyone else drools. But now? Who do we want to win? Everybody email me and tell me who to root for. (Link bait, this’ll drive up my SEO numbers and get me a sponsor for my banner ads.)

3:44 PM I don’t know what kind of vitamins are in this ice cream, but it’s making me feel incredible.

3:42 PM Player down! Holding his leg! (And moaning, too, I bet, although we can’t hear it.) One of the proud Spanish bulls has been felled by the Nederlandisch bullfighter! “Toreador-a, don’t spit on the floor-a,” am I right???

3:39 PM Here we go, Spain. Nope. The Nederlands goalie just kicked the “sheeeeart” out of the ball … wait, wait, here they come … something about the colors makes it look like there are 100 orange dudes and only 10 blue dudes … I think Nederlands perfected “psychological color warfare…”

3:37:95 Announcer: “The stakes are high. They can’t be higher, really.” I second that emotion.

3:37:52 PM Hey! How about one of these teams score a goal?

3:37 PM “The patchouli liveblogger”

3:35 PM Mmm somebody just walked into this coffee shop wearing lots of patchouli … I’m thinking about getting way into patchouli … I think I kinda like how it smells! I’ve lost all my prejudicial anti-hippy feelings about it that I used to have in college …

3:34 PM Spain’s #8 was just schooling some dudes on “Fancy Footwork 101” … Corner kick … now the ref is schooling some players on “Fair play 101” … now there’s chaos … the Spanish player missed the cross-header pass fadeaway on goal … “better luck next time”

3:33 PM Nederlands got a little too excited and passed the ball too far ahead of the other guy. Calm your nerves, guys: You’ve got 120 minutes to score (that’s how long soccer-game halves are, right?)

3:32 PM This is it, gang: the second half of the World Cup final. If one of the these teams wants to win the World Cup, now is the time to do it …