I’m liveblogging the big LeBron James announcement! LET’S DO IT. DO IT DO IT. NIKE
9:35 PM: I’m going to move to Miami and become the world’s most passionate LeBron James fan. LeBron and I will liveblog EVERYTHING together.
9:34 PM: Thanks to ESPN for this comprehensive coverage. It helped me understand what was happening about “the man who announced what team he was going to play basketball for.”
9:32:10 PM: Ohio backlash? Could it happen? He’s giving props to Akron. He’s from Akron.
9:32 PM: Now the announcer is like, “Why do you hate Cleveland so much and why do you take pleasure from destroying Cleveland’s hopes and dreams?”
9:31 PM: Who’s this Dwayne Wade(?) guy they keep talking about? Is he another basketball player I gotta learn about?
9:30 PM: My instant analysis: “The Miami Heat just got a little hotter.”
9:29 PM: Correction: “Miami Heat Basketball Team.”
9:28:30 PM: LeBron is going to MIAMI, FLORIDA to play for the HOT MIAMI FIRE BASKETBALL TEAM.
9:28 PM: Making the announcement …
9:27 PM: LeBron James is talking about how he wants to win basketball games. I can only assume that’s a good quality for a basketball player to have: The desire to win.
9:24 PM: Basically, according to my analysis, all the teams want LeBron to play for them, because he’s really good at playing basketball and scoring very many points. Whoever gets LeBron will win the next 20 championships in a row. That’s my analysis and I’m sticking to it.
9:23:40 PM: They are really hyping this. I’m starting to think LeBron must be a good basketball player. WHOA, he went straight from high school to the NBA? Does everybody already know that? He must be a basketball genius!
9:23 PM: Breaking … LeBron James is RETIRING! “It’s all a joke, playing basketball for money. It’s stupid. I’m going to grad school.” AMAZING
9:21 PM: Goddamn! Onstar commercials are intense! Do people ever die in them? “My car fell underwater and we’re all trapped! Help me!” “Okay, this is Onstar headquarters, I have unlocked your doors and initiated remote-scuba-diving protocol. Your family will be safe.” “Thank you, ONstar.”
9:18:34 PM: Oh my god, people think he’s going to Chicago to play for the Bulls? Are you kidding? The Chicago 3-2 defense zone would never work with LeBron’s power forward shooting skills! Get a brain, guys: This is sports analysis! Get it right!
9:18 PM: LeBron James in a recorded interview, talking about how he wants to play basketball. Now the announcers are saying he’s going to Miami. One guy wants him to play in Cleveland. I think he should play in China. Yeah, communist China, I said it!!!
9:17 PM: Apparently this entire spectacle of LeBron James announcing where he’s going to dribble his basketball is called “THE DECISION.”
9:16 PM: ESPN radio … these guys are CRAZY FOR SPORTS …
9:15 PM: I hate to admit it, but this Verizon commercials has a fresh beat. Does Verizon license its jingles for ringtones on Verizon phones? They should be free. “Free advertising.”
9:13 PM: I hope LeBron James doesn’t go to the Knicks, because that’s the team in New York City, and I want New York’s sports franchises to collapse.
9:12 PM: One of the announcers is talking about the “Celtics model,” and whether it can work in Miami. What the hell are these guys talking about? How about this: Score as many dunks as you can. It ain’t rocket science, guys.
9:11 PM: Goddamn sports talk is complete mumbo-jumbo. I can’t tell what these guys are talking about.
9:10 PM: ANSWER: LeBron James plays “Small forward/guard.”
9:09 PM: Next data-bit we need to uncover: What position does he play? Give me a minute … I’ll find the answer, or my name isn’t “Basketball Researcher Jones.”
9:08 PM: Quick question: If LeBron James is so awesome, how come I barely know about him? I don’t even know what team he plays for.
9:07 PM: LeBron James is 25 years old … DEVELOPING …
9:05 PM: I’m gonna find out how old this LeBron James guy is. I have a feeling he’s in his 20s … developing …
9:04 PM: “So many twists and turns in this story …” This one announcer says it’s gonna be Miami. (Miami has a basketball team? Crazy.)
9:03 PM: Quick question. What is a free agent? Does it mean you can play basketball on any team you want, and then just quit in the middle of the game and switch sides and start playing against your own team???
9:02 PM: I found “ESPN Radio” on my internet music program. It sounds amazing. “The most coveted free agent in the history of the game” (I think the game is basketball, right? I’m not a big sports guy.)
9:01 PM: I think ESPN is making a whole reality show about this announcement re: where LeBron James will play his sports at.
9:01 PM: But it’s a rerun. I need breaking LeBron news … I’ll try to find ESPN on my internet radio.
9:00 PM: Okay, NPR is definitely not happening. OH WAIT — they’re talking about LeBron James!
8:59 PM: Arrrgggh Diane Rhem(?) Show reruns? Are you kidding me, NPR? We’re trying to learn about LeBron James and his amazing announcement! Come on, now!
8:54 PM: I don’t have ESPN. Will that be a problem? I’ll try to find coverage on NPR… developing …