MH is CRUSHING in every category … AG and DR (me) obviously don’t know anything about wine … there’s a new King of Wine, and his name is MH …

A man just came in and bought 2 bottles of white wine … that means even MH’s RTWRP (red-to-white ratio prediction) is gaining ground … I thought we’d sell maybe 2 bottles of white TOTAL today … (because of the famous saying, “When it’s cold outside, people want red wine inside / and not white wine / because who would ever drink white wine unless it was / 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit outside?”)

BREAKING … news alert … AG just admitted that his initial TOTAL BOTTLE # was 23, but then he changed it to 11. “Way to go, Mr. Genius.” He’s getting his bottle-predicting-butt KICKED by all my wonderful customers!

I’m not saying we’re on track to selling 1,000 bottles of wine today, but I AM saying that we are selling some wine today.

I don’t even know why AG is still hanging out at the store. He low-balled his total bottle # bet, and now he’s getting totally crushed. In fact, I think we’ve already sold more bottles than his daily total bet-prediction, and it’s only 1:00 PM!

At one point this morning when bottles were flying off shelves faster than any of us “bet-heads” could have predicted, AG said I could “burn everything (he) owns” if he lost the wine-store-bottle-bet. Ladies and gentlemen, get your lighters ready!!!

I sold six bottles of wine to someone who was planning a party! That’s gonna be a fun party, I just know it. They bought four bottles of a nice solid red table wine that everyone loves. It’s called “Our Daily Red” and it’s organic. It doesn’t have the greatest label in the world, but one thing I’ve learned working at the wine shop is that you can’t always judge a bottle by its label (although you usually can).

More updates soon … the betting is hot and heavy … my assistants have gone out to get me some lunch and I’ve already sold two bottles in their absence … what will happen next … only Bacchus (god of wine and partying) knows …

Two of my loyal blog readers have joined me at the shop today.

AG and MH are living the life with me … they see what I see … they hear what I hear … and most important: THEY SELL WHAT I SELL.

We have a three-way bet going about how much wine we’ll see today. It’s broken down into different categories:

– Total # of bottles sold
– Total $ sold
– Red vs. white breakdown (Prosecco wildcard, only I called it!)
– SUBTOTALS:
— 10:00 – noon (# bottles)*
— noon – 3:00 (# bottles)
— 3:00 – 5:00 (# bottles)
— 5:00 – 7:00 (# bottles)

GAME ON. Buy some wine and be a part of betting history!

*This has already been blown out of the water, thanks to some early customers!

An open letter to all my readers:

DEAR READERS:

And to whom it may concern of all of you:

For all who love wine … for all who drink from El Vino’s goblet … for all who dance with the grapes under a Merlot moonlight …

Buy your wine by noon toady for a special offer:

One bottle bought = One bottle sold!!!

Good morning and blessing to everyone out there in “reading my blog”-land.

I’m in the wine shop all day, selling some of the finest wines you’ll ever taste!

The wine of the week is a MERLOT!!! That’s right:

Teatown Cellars Merlot Napa Valley 2005

Regularly: $15.99
This week only: $14.39 per bottle – 10% off save $1.60
This week only case price: $163.10, $13.59 per bottle – 15% off save $28.78
Limited quantities available; discount not combined with other offers

Let’s make this happen! Let’s put you in some new wine.

I think this will be a fun night:

Todd Barry, Eugene Mirman, Jonathan Ames, Starlee Kine, Rick Moody, Care Bears on Fire, and URLSHORTENINGSERVICEFORTWITTER.COM CEO DAVID REES.

November 17, 2009
7:00 PM
The Highline Ballroom
431 W 16th St
New York, NY 10011
between 9th and 10th Ave
(212) 414-5994

JesseEgan (1 month ago)
this is my joint, cam’ron came with some real, powerful shit on this one.

Mcstikman (1 month ago)
LOL I wish (my salary) was that much, after a whole year of hard work I got 32cents………32cents and she was like I’m giving you this much because I like you. I was like you must be kidding but lord knows I need it these bills never end 🙁

gwa56 (2 weeks ago)
How the hell is it possible to get 32cents a year? You need to change jobs or you need to tell that lady to start paying you more.

Mcstikman (2 weeks ago)
The 32cents was not my salary for the whole year if that’s what you’re thinking, it was my “christmas bonus” XD. 32cents increase on my hourly rate

gwa56 (2 weeks ago)
oh LMAO sorry 😀

jaystallest91 (1 week ago)
LMFAO!I thought you meant 32 cents was your yearly salary, I was thinking you worked in a counterfeit nike sweat shop or something lol. I feel your pain though, thats almost an insult…they could of atleast increased it by 50 cents. =)

Mcstikman (1 week ago)
Nope not a Nike sweat shop lol. I work for AMR (American Airlines/American Eagle).

Comment thread hall of fame?

Sloppy, major-key beats about economic anxiety … that’s hip-hop I can believe in my friends.

“7:00 AM … sheesh!”

I’m tempted to start blogging about politics. There’s so much going on in politics these days; wouldn’t it be great to have a web site that discussed it all — your one-stop shop for all political talk?

I could talk about:

1. Health
2. Health Care Debate
3. Political Processes That Are Going On In Washington
4. Warfare And Fighting
5. Cars And Trucks

Hmm … I might have to do this …

Readers are pushing back HARD against the article I linked to about “Is MGMT like the Goldman Sachs of music?”

Let’s address reader JC‘s concerns:

David Rees, I don’t write to blogs… until now because that quirky article about mgmt you linked to is just so…   

I can’t say I have a horse in this football game.  The “Kids” song was fine, but I have no idea where mgmt come from or why they have made this Leor man so mad.  But his reasons for being mad are kind of crazy.  As far as I can tell, those reasons are:

1.) Musicians who are private school educated and upper middle class are bad.  So David Bowie is bad.

Correct. David Bowie sucks. Who listens to him? “China Girl,” are you serious? With the ching-chong-ching melody? Oh wait, sorry, “Ziggy Stardust” is great … yeah right … who wants to hear songs about a transsexual spaceman? That makes no kind of sense … NEXT–

2.) Being a spoiled neo-hippie surfing in Malibu is bad.  Does that implicate Brian Wilson?  Or is it OK that he’s an OG hippie?  Why the hostility to coastal living?

Correct! Brian Wilson (singer of the Beach Boys) is HORRIBLE. I don’t care that his melodies are clever inversions of Bach minuets, or whatever musical trick he pulled 1,000 times to impress geeks. The Beach Boys suck. “No, you don’t understand how innovative they were. They used a theremin!” Please, a theremin? The dumbest musical instrument ever invented? An instrument so stupid, you don’t even have to touch it to make noise? And the noise it makes sounds like a woman who’s not a good singer. Who cares? I know they used a theremin in the theme to Star Trek … news flash: everything about that show sucked.

3.) Alternative rock is just like mainstream rock, but marketed to a different demographic.  Did we just figure that out?  Is this a music column?

There’s nothing to make fun of in refuting this point, so I’ll ignore it. NEXT–

4.) You can substitute “MGMT” for “Goldman Sachs” in a scary paragraph.  You can kind of do that with “high-fructose corn syrup” or “oxycontin” or “oxygen” too.

Point to JC; this made me laugh. NEXT–

5.) Post-modernity and not playing instruments are bad things.  So we shouldn’t listen to DJ Spooky or Girl Talk.

Reader JC, are you only now realizing that you shouldn’t listen to DJ Spooky and Girl Talk? Welcome to Grown-Up World, enjoy your stay. NEXT–

As far as I can tell, this all adds up to mean that good music comes from public school educated, politically conscious musicians from non-coastal areas who play their own instruments.  So I think The Roots are probably OK, though I’m not exactly sure where they went to school.

The Roots are not OK; they are the worst rap band of all time and I’m so glad they’re on the Jimmy Fallon show because it means everything on Earth is finally getting organized according to suckiness.

I’m totally down with this guy not liking mgmt because he thinks they suck.  Does he need to awkwardly force his dislike into a greater social commentary of our time?  He could have drawn a picture of Calvin peeing on them, and everybody would be happier.

Advantage JC. “Calvin peeing on them,” LOL. His points are well taken. The MGMT article is not a model of airtight argumentation, but it resonated with me (ooh, maybe I’m a theremin!).

Something about that group comes across as a little too skeevy, a little too “faux-primitive-raver-hippie-rich-kids,” a little too Dash Snow. (Dash Snow was a famous cocaine addict and ‘artist’ who was adored by underemployed young people living in curated squalor in New York City. Oh and by the way, he totally died when he overdosed on drugs. So yay for that.)

And that’s it for today’s installment of “I Am Secretly 80 Years Old!” Until next time, stay off my lawn.