I will probably write more about this next week, but for now I’m going to break my “no blogging on the weekend” rule and post this video, because it literally just made me cry tears of joy.
I cannot believe the creativity these guys are bringing to the game. I was loving #2 … they lost me a bit on #3 and #4, but now? #5? Forget it. Just shut down the goddamn internet tonight and let’s be done with it. GAME OVER.
This is gonna be more freestyle, more poetic … hope Romney’s PAC accepts essays that are a little “outside the box…”
WHAT A FREE AND STRONG AMERICA MEANS 2 ME
By David “Soul Wanderer Yogi 9000” Rees
I
Picture a land …
Free and strong …
What does it mean 2 me
What does it 22 me/an
Can you calculate the fractions of liberty
No?
Then shut up
II
Go sign the baseballs
Sign all the baseballs
With your name
Your mark
Your soul
“Mitt Romney”
THEN GIVE ME ALL THE BASEBALLS.
III
Picture a flag …
Strong and flapping
In the wind that is blowing
A southwesterly wind
What does it mean 2 me
When I feel the wind on my face
It tickles the flag on my face
See,
I had a complete facial/flag transplant
You can see my face waving in the skybox
Which is where I will be
When I win this contest
About what an America that’s strong and free
means to me.
In this draft, I decided to just go for it. Sometimes you have to start over from scratch …
“What A Free and Strong America Means to Me: YOU”
By David Rees
(for the Mitt Romney Essay Contest where you can win the baseballs)
In this modern age, what can a free and strong America mean? We all see the footage from Iran, where young people mill about in the streets, chanting “we need more green paint” or whatever they’re saying. But if Mitt Romney and his family were in the White House, this problem would already be solved. A free and strong America means doubling Guantanamo, which Mitt Romney promised to do during the 2008 campaign. When he said that, I leaped out of my sofa-bed with joy and pledged to make 25 calls per day on behalf of Mitt Romney. My telephone would become a weapon in the war to build a free and strong America that means to me. So first I called my family and yelled “VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY” into the phone at them. They said, “Thank you, David, for your service to our country,” to which I replied, “FREE AND STRONG AMERICA MEANS!” and they said, “Means what?” and I screamed/replied, “MEANS TO ME!” and then they said “Thank you” again and I hung up feeling great … and that’s what a free and strong America means to me. THE END.
————————-
“See you at the skybox … go Red Sox!”
PS: If you didn’t like this draft of my essay, don’t worry, I will write 20 more drafts before the end of the day.
If you’re interested in viral culture and email-forwarded phenomena, I’m participating in a discussion at this web site about New York (state where I live).
And now, back to my essay …
Given the events in Iran, I thought I should update my essay. Hopefully the Iranian people will take some strength and comfort from these humble words I have written (additions are in bold):
“What A Free and Strong America Means to Me: Iran Remix”
By David Rees
(for the Mitt Romney Essay Contest where you can win the baseballs)
“What does a free and strong America mean to me?” This is the question we must answer in America today more than ever because of the crazy shit going down in Iran. Sometimes it seems like there are too many challenges facing us, from terrorism to welfare to whatever the hell is going on over there. And yet America continues to grow strong and free no matter how our enemies in Iran try to stop us. So the question is, “What does this mean to me and to our friends in Iran who we must support by bombing their nuclear facilities, preferably today?” I think it comes from our Founding Fathers, who had the wisdom … our Charter Documents, which had the words … our Fighting Warriors, who had the courage … and our Self-Made Business Men who had the vision, like Mitt Romney, the famous millionaire … all of them working together, to make a Free and Strong America that means so much to me and which inspires the Iranians, and we all know those kids wouldn’t be out protesting in Iran City (capital of Iran) if it wasn’t for our example of how to be free and strong, so, basically, you’re welcome. Also, I’ve been getting into yoga and I really recommend it to everyone who loves this country.
Blog reader BL has mixed feelings about me entering the essay contest:
Can’t believe you’re gonna send Mitt Romney’s PAC a fifty to enter his dumb-ass contest! But good luck!
Know hope.
It’s true, the essay contest requires a $50 entrance fee. (As do all writing contests.) I have mixed feelings about paying the fee– what if it’s used for continued cyber-warfare?
Maybe I’ll hold an online fundraiser to raise the funds to pay the fee to enter the contest to win the chance to take the trip to the Romney skybox to watch the Red Sox.
Everyone’s talking about Iran this week, and whether Ahmadinejad’s crew is monkey-wrenching the internet.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS STORY.
Just now, like, thirty seconds ago, I was using SAFARI INTERNET BROWSER to look at Mitt Romney’s web site. (I was really enjoying the user comments re: Romney’s recent speech at the Heritage Foundation, because those comments reflected a worldview and sensibility that is identical to mine in every respect.)
Anyway, no sooner had I read an insightful comment about Obama’s pledge to dismantle the United States military, than… MY BROWSER CRASHED.
And Safari never crashes.
CYBERWARFARE CONFIRMED.
Mitt Romney in cahoots with Ahmadinejad???
No matter; I will fight on. The truth will prevail. I will enter the essay contest, even if I have to submit my essay via fax/carrier-pigeon hybrid.
Know hope.
Â
Welcome to the first draft of history! Here’s what I’ve got so far …
“What A Free and Strong America Means to Me”
By David Rees
(submitted to the Mitt Romney Essay Contest where you can win baseballs)
“What does a free and strong America mean to me?” This is the question we must answer in America today. Sometimes it seems like there are too many challenges facing us, from terrorism to welfare. And yet America continues to grow strong and free. So the question is, “What does this mean to me?” I think it comes from our Founding Fathers, who had the wisdom … our Charter Documents, which had the words … our Fighting Warriors, who had the courage … and our Self-Made Business Men, who had the vision … all of them working together, to make a Free and Strong America that means so much to me. Also, I’ve been getting into YOGA and I really recommend it to everyone who loves this country.
———
What do you think, gang? “Are those baseballs I smell?”
“Capitalism”
“Borders” (the bookstore)
Know hope.
I checked out Mitt Romney’s new web site, freeandstrongamerica.com, to see if there was more information about the essay contest I am going to win.
Lo and behold, in a blog post about the essay contest, a commenter named Chris Bentley has posted the following:
To me, free strong America means that when someone steals, there is punishment. Is that yours? No? Then you can’t take it. See? It’s simple. Another thing free strong America means to me is that if I want my family to have a puppy, they can have a puppy, OK? Thank you Milt for all you’re doing.
“Milt?”
This Chris Bentley fellow is going to give me a run for my money. Well, that’s fine– I’ll just run faster, harder, and stronger than him.
Those baseballs are mine.