Okay, it’s not an Iron Maiden song, and it’s not even really Iron Maiden’s style, but it pairs nicely with most tannin-heavy reds …

NOTE: I usually hate these kinds of videos/this kind of guitar playing, but something about this dude just makes me laugh, especially the psychotic style he drops at 2:10. Also check out his thumb (which is obviously addicted to crystal meth) at around 2:55.

This video made me realize something fundamental about my relationship to guitar solos: You know most guitarists (especially metal guitarists), when they’re taking a solo, they make a bunch of dumb-ass goofy faces? Big sloppy grins with the their tongue hanging out every which way? It’s like the size of their mouth has an inverse relationship to the actual artistic merit of the solo. Bigger mouth = dumb-assier solo.

But check out my man’s mouth in this solo. Because it’s pretty big … LOL. Look at his mouth at 3:18. They don’t even make mouths that small anymore. That’s how you know this dude is for real.

I know, I know, it’s a psychological and oenological injustice that Iron Maiden’s merlot is no longer available. HOWEVER if you come to the wine shop tonight, I will draw the Iron Maiden logo on any bottle of wine you buy.

A woman just came in. She bought three bottles of wine! I was stoked. I thought everything was going great … I started to put the bottles in a big bag, and then: CHAOS. “Can you put this one bottle in a separate bag? It’s a gift.”

Of course my initial reaction was to panic and “run to the hills,” but I kept my cool and asked if she wanted a gift bag, which the store stocks, and which I am authorized to sell to people. But she just wanted a separate regular bag.

No worries … I took a deep breath and fulfilled her bag-related-requests like a champion. I guess you could say I gave her “piece of mind.”

Iron Maiden and wine … we’re doing this. All day, all night. “Two minutes to midnight.” “666, the number of the beast.” What else can I say?

Iron Maiden has their own wine. And yes, yes, yes … it’s a Merlot.

You can have Piece of Mind that this fine Chilean Merlot tastes great on it’s own or with a very very rare steak! Comes in a wooden presentation box ‘IRON MAIDEN Eddie’s Evil Brew’ printed on top sliding lid which would make a great gift. Exclusive to the Official Iron Maiden Shop. NOTE: This item is very fragile and heavy and incurs additional shipping costs to keep it safe.

Alas, I think the wine has been discontinued. It’s no longer available at the official Iron Maiden Online Shop.

Okay, we have a contender for “Iron Maiden Wikipedia Paragraph of the Day.” It’s about Eddie, Iron Maiden’s monster mascot:

The 80s Maiden covers Piece of Mind through Seventh Son of a Seventh Son seemed to have a continuity of their own. Most noticeably traces of his lobotomy from Piece are featured in every cover from this period. Eddie’s cyborg eye (from the Powerslave-era single 2 Minutes to Midnight) also appeared on the covers of Somewhere in Time, Raising Hell and Seventh Son. Some of his cybernetic parts from Somewhere in Time remain on Seventh Son but obviously Eddie’s somewhat odd decomposition makes this link less clear. This continuity ceased for unknown reasons after No Prayer for the Dying (though Eddie’s non-zombie appearance on Fear of the Dark may have been a reason for the change) and has since been largely abandoned. Regardless, traces of the lobotomy still appeared in some artwork associated with the album. Indeed, the cover for The X Factor and associated artwork is about the operation that caused this change to Eddie.

Let’s get lost in this image …

BREAKING … a customer just bought a bottle of the Gozzo 2007 Malbec, the very wine I suggested pairing with “The Trooper” by Iron Maiden!!!

I played it cool, of course … the consummate professional … but part of me wanted to yell “UP THE IRONS!!!” as she left the store.

Wine-Store Monday & Iron Maiden Week, it doesn’t get any hotter than this.

Oh man, I almost got so busted! The UPS guy just showed up with a package while I was blasting “The Evil That Men Do” (famous Iron Maiden song) on my laptop. Fortunately this MacBook (bought with donor funds, thank you once again I love you all) features a MUTE button, which I was able to hit just in time …

Wine Store Mondays, you don’t stop …

Oh boy, check this out. “Me want.”

QUESTION: What wine would you pair this with? My initial thought was to pair it with a Pinot Blanc(?), one of those see-through white wines, since the record is see-through.

But on the other hand, dropping the needle on this LP is gonna be a heavy, exciting experience. A special occasion. So maybe I’d go with a lush, medium-bodied bottle, like maybe Domaine Henri Boillot’s Clos du Roi 2005, a 90-point Pinot Noir ($94.99). Sure it’s almost a hundred bucks, but in this scenario I’ve just spent $1,000 on a record, so I’m like “Run up that Visa bill, it’s party time.”

Besides, this bottle “generous and balanced,” according to some metalhead named Allen Meadows, so it’s gonna be worth the money …

Anyway, I would really appreciate it if one of my readers would buy this $1,000 Iron Maiden record and then invite me over to listen to it with them on a high-end stereo system. Thanks.

Classic Iron Maiden riffage. (Seriously, I think I’m getting into Iron Maiden for real: “You take my life but I’ll take yours too”? How does that even work?)

I could see pairing this song with a nice, full-bodied Malbec … maybe Gozzo’s 2007 organic vintage ($14.99). From the wine-store owner’s description: “(This wine) will go with just about anything hearty, from braised sauteed pork chops to braised beef …” to a classic Iron Maiden jam called The Trooper!!!

Come on by the wine store, let’s make this happen.

By the way, all is quiet on the wine store front right now. Listening to some Nick Drake over the store’s stereo system. Later I’ll unpack some cases and organize the new bottles. Getting psyched for that …

Maybe I’ll bake some bread later this afternoon, in anticipation of Iron Maiden fan MH‘s visit, where he tries to get me to admit that he’s been right about Iron Maiden for 20 years, ever since he had that “Live After Death” cassette that he used to listen to all the time while I was listening to Schoolly D.

Anyway, I’ve got over 100 bottles of wine for sale … come and get ’em … I think there’s even some wine here from 2001. (In wine, though, that’s okay, because sometimes wine takes a while to reach its full potential … just like all of us! Wine metaphors, better recognize!)