Okay, all my east-coast readers are gonna have a late night … liveblogging will begin at 11:00 PM EST. I’m on west coast time (aka Olympics time), so all you “left-coasters” should turn your tv dials to NBC at 8:00 PM PST and turn your internet dials to MNFTIU at the same time for my commentary …

Know hope …

We’re doing this …

For those who are playing at home, tonight’s drink is: “Various cocktails as curated by my host.”

Okay, I just did a bunch of research and it seems that in Seattle (my current location– btw Mom, did I tell you I was going to Seattle? Anyway, I’ll call you tomorrow.) you can’t watch the Olympics until 8:00 PM PST (ie, 11:00 PM EST). This probably has something to do with time zones and satellites and all that stuff … so I’m gonna do a little research about stealing cable from a different time zone and bringing that ol’ East-Coast liveblogging!!!

Know hope.

6:11 PM PST: Andrea Mitchell is making fun of Alexander Haig for trying to take over the gov’t that one time when he said, “I’m in charge here.” … a sailboat fell over (“next on NBC news”) WHERE ARE THE GOLD-DURNED OLYMPICS???

6:05 PM PST: Some kind of drug called Avadeia (sp) is making people sick … FDA estimates 83,000 heart attacks thanks to this dumb-ass drug … company and FDA have delayed in removing drug from market … Brian Williams is asking a lady some questions about the drug … I think they’re at the Olympics …

Oh boy. I was afraid of this … I am on the WEST COAST right now (just a few hours south of the Olympics, amazingly) … and NBC isn’t broadcasting the games!!! Instead it’s some guy named Brian Williams telling me about the news?!?  WTF, bronze medal for this dude.

Lemme see if there’s a solution to this atrocious travesty of horror. I’ll be in touch in a minute … Rest assured WE ARE DOING THIS. I will be liveblogging something tonight … believe it.

About to set it off … please stay tuned … Bob Costas about to represent in the purple v-neck…

Hey guys, the emails keep pouring in about “What happened to the liveblogging?” (I couldn’t do it last night, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it tonight, either.)

From reader BL:

It’s not the same without you. I was eagerly anticipating your insight into emo-boy Takahashi.

Reader AM chimes in from Canada (aka Olympics Central):

My only connection to the world of Olympic glory is your dedicated liveblogging, which not only provides up-to-the-minute action, but goes so far as to add value in the form of commercial commentary, commentary on commentary, and ready-made phrases that I can drop into conversations whenever I need to pass myself off as a patriotic spectator of guys in blue jeans on snowboards. DON’T GIVE UP NOW.

A nice message from reader ER:

Your live-olywineblogging is world class! You are definitely the reigning world champ. (Subtext = “Don’t punk out now” –ed.)

An epic message from CH, who started forwarding the liveblog to his mom:

I and my mom and my girlfriend are loving your liveblogging. Please come back and do it again…. I started sending my mom your liveblogging this week and I didn’t even know if she liked them or not since you are so “out there” and using curse words but I myself was feeling them so much I had to share them with my olympics-watching mom and then I got the following email this morning:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [REDACTED]
Date: Fri, Feb 19, 2010 at 9:41 AM
Subject: Where is my Oly live wineblooger?
To: [REDACTED]

I see by his website that he didn’t chronicle last night’s events and I watched every minute and every commercial in anticipation of his incisive and loopy commentary. Damn. Maybe he’ll watch the replay they do during the day.

Okay, the people have spoken! Your favorite “Oly live wineblooger” will do his darnedest to liveblog TOMORROW NIGHT, SATURDAY 2/20/10 (btw, could that date look any tougher?)

Know hope.

Deadlines mean we have a reduced chance of Oly-live-wineblogging…

🙁

🙁

😛

11:35 Oh shit … I guess the Olymipcs are over for the night. Snuck up on me. Thanks to Sam for coming over, thanks to the wine donors, and thanks to YOU for reading! See you soon … @ THE OLYMPICS …

11:32 HOLD UP AGAIN: Big-ass typography controvesry . Just got an email from a reader wondering ABOUT my use of “@” … I use @ to mean “at” (as in “see you @ the library”) and also to mean “about” like “My favorite thing @ the Olympics is ski-racing” and Sam says nobody does that . TRUE??? DId I make up that use of @???? WTF??? I thought everyone used it that way!

11:29 HOLD UP are the Olymipcs over for the night??? WTF? NO, wait, Costas is just signing off … one last look at the “P.Square” 🙁 Okay, NBC is pumped b/c lots of superstar Americans won. WHat’s good for USA is good for ratings, I think. Feeling this reggae music montage of the victors … WIll.I.Am? Or somebody else? Wyclef?

11:28 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

11:26:34 🙂 🙁 <---- 🙂 😛 11:26 Guys just noticed that wordpress converted my emoticon (re: pocket square) into like some kind of cartoon face ... my apologies ... that is NOT OK 🙁 11:25:34 Mancuso / Vonna rivalry? What's going on? Vonn: "I knew I had to go out there and take it." Sounds like Sam's attitude towards all my KALE 11:25 Sam: "Mancuso's bitter. She's mad she got beat." 11:19 Big argument at wineblogging HQ @ who took all the kale for our customized pizzas ... 11:15 PIZZA BREAK BACK IN 53/100ths of a second ... <---- WAIT ALERT "Get that pocket square" Costas holding it down ... pinstripes and pocket squares (name of my new broadway musical I'm writing) 11:13 Here comes the big finale for Shaun White! BIG FINISH ... but I can't tell the difference b/w all these snowboard jumps! Sam says he could tell the difference, like I'm some kind of idiot ... ARGGHGGH "it's atheltes like Shawn Wite that make you think the imopssible is poissble" <--- announcer He did the double McTiwst ... dude I'm not trying to eat at McDonalds!!! Now Sam's mad at me b/c I'm not feeling the special finale 11:11 Shaun WHite wins the gold medal. I feel nothing. SOrry to be a hater, guys. AM I just old and bitter? I don't know I still like to have fun and whatnot. Somethign@ this kid just feels off to me ... Fuck it might as well admit I don't like Kanye West, either. And btw why does Schoolly D have less than 200 followers on twitter? 11:10:23:11 "THERE'S A TERM THAT SOME OF US USE ... IT'S CALLED TAPPING INTO THE EYE OF THE TIGER..." there's our quote for the night, right there. Thank you mr. announcer 11:09 Damn we're getting NO KIND of Costas tonight ... WTF ... "a blogger needs a pocket square right about now" 11:08 That guy Peetu Pii... (whatever) just moved into silver medal position with a score of 45.0 Announcer: "That was shocking to me..." hmm controversy in the works? Next up: some other dude ... backside 900 .... speaking of "Backside," he just flat-busted out on his backside ... NEXT ... 11:05:53 Can Vito pull it off??? USA #1 in snowboarding??? We invented this sport, right? With no help from fuddy-duddies like me. Whoops Vito couldn't pull it off ... "it will not be a podium sweep..." next up: Peetu Something-or-other currently in 4th ... "his strength: technicality and perfection" that'll work! 11:05 PM Whoa, lady, not sure it's okay to have the Am. Flag bunched up in yr hands like that 11:04 Li'l Vito back on the pipe ... hittin' the pipe ... Americans could sweep ... 11:03 "The big risk of going absolutely massive out of the pipe" ... hey all my 420 heads you know what that could be an innuendo for, right? "Smokin' a fat jay" LOL I'm laughing right now 11:01:00 PM some guy is talking about how futuristic his car is ... now it's the Alice in Wonderland ad by Tim Burton ... is that Johnny Depp? ... yeah, it is ... okay, what's this another Morgan Migraine special for VISA credit cards ... now another ad where this guy talks about his amazing car: "It's like sittign on an air hockey table" ... hmm is that good? I'd rather sit on a seat, brah.

10:58 Reader feedback (no time for quote attribution): “Dude, your olyblogging rocks my socks off, keep it up….” “eating popcorn and hitting refresh. don’t stop. it’s magic…” “I cannot thank you enough for your coverage of the Olympics! It has made all the difference to me….” “i love your wine-blogging of the olympics….” etc. etc. thanks guys!!! WE’RE DOING IT!!! GOLD MEDALS ON THE HOUSE …

10:57 Thanks to reader NA for settling the Chris. Guest argument … in my favor, needless to say!!!

10:56:01:00 SAM AND I ARE PUMPED kokubo on the course half pipe!!! get surly!!! getgnarly! I hope he beats Shaun WHite … oh no he crashed. … Sam: “stick a ruler up there so we can tell how they’re going … this feels sloppy … if you wanna be a sport, don’t be like, ‘Oh he’s as high as that cameraman over there'” goddamn my boy is feeling his oats w/r/t snowboarding!!! (w/r/t = dfw tribute)

10:55 POPCORN AD! I jsut saw an ad about popcorn!!!! REMEMEBR THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN I WAS EATING SO MUCH POPCORN//// I LIVED IT

10:53 Target bringing the lounge music … lots of things for under $20 for all you fashionistas out there reading my blog … Target!!! … now some kind of historical USA ad about how we’re all in this together as long as we use Allstate Insurance if not you can burn in hell … Allstate “I’m over here now!” NEW MOTTO

10:52:01 I knewthat kid would crash i could just feel it but he’s only 19 so it’s all good

10:51 Damn, it’s Shaun White I misspelled it … Louie Vito, 5’5″ and stuck in 5th place! Sam: “Curse of the fives…” Yowch, “the dark side of Harry Potter…”

10:49 Syriana + Bourne Identity

10:48 She’s about get on the cover of “Canadian Wheaties” cereal …

10:47:02 Fuck it, I wouldn’t believe WIkipedia anyway … keep the blog burning … Maelle Ricker is about to receive a medal for snowboarding … she’s from Canada so we’re listening to “Argh, Canada,” the famous national anthem … she has world-weary eyes … what horrors has she seen????

10:47:01 WIkipedia break? SHani Davis age-check?

10:46 Famous USA speedskater Shani Davis being interviewed … damn he’s burnin’ in the replay … big long arms… the best look … how old is he? He looks 40!!! WAIT WAIT Sam says he looks 19??? “Get those cataracts check out, buddy” this dude is totally middle-aged SHani Davis is lookin’ 45 years old!!!!

10:45 POCKET SQUARE >>>> 🙂

10:42 Recap of last night’s male figure-skate dancing … all my old friends … the passion, I remember … donchaknow… “furgaddabeoutit.”

10:40:53 I dunno about Shawn WHite and his private mountainside snowboard course …

10:40 Shawn White gets a 46.8 … is that good? He thinks so? ALl I know is, if he was figure-skating, that score would totally suck a goose’s ass …

10:39 On a phone call … blogging too … here comes Shawn WHite , the most famous snowboarder … here he goes … flying thru the air … he’s happy … who are these guys, wearing blue jeans? SLow-mo replay proves how high in the air he went on his snowboard … look at his hair flying …

10:35 Our next snowboarder — whoevere he is — just flew in the air like 500 feet … a big “WHOA!” from Sam … “a very good run” … what’s this kid’s name? Scotty Lago? I wish NBC would put the athlete’s name — WIAT PHONE RINGING

10:31 Kokubo (Japanese snowboarder) looking GLUM … I’ll root for him … GODAAmn he just something WACKY … “fronside 1080” … ouch … FACE-PLANT … take that face to a greenhouse, kid, b/c it’s a face PLANT …

10:30:25 Okay, it looks cool in slowed-down-motion replay, I admit … then again, what doesn’t? Maybe an old man eating spaghetti? … wait maybe I misjudged this kid Louie Vito … startign to like him …

10:30 Louie Vito maybe ease up on the “human bobble-head” action …

10:29 GOLD MEDAL HAMMER-DROP WINNER: Sam on Louie Vito: “Whoa … five-foot five? That’s why he’s acting like that.” SNAP

10:27 Having argument about whether Christopher Guest directs all the commercials starring his troupe of actors… David = Yes; Sam – NO

10:25 When can we see more of that speed-skating we were watching a few mintues ago?? That was a real sport … not this “triple ollie” rigarmorale (? goddamn how do you spell that)

10:22 Some kid busted his ass on his freestyle snowboard …. he’ll probably talk about it on myspace…

10:23 BTW, merlot drinking very well… Gold medal taste … a great value …follow these guys on twitter: @artisanwineshop

10:22 PIZZA arrived, that’s why there was an unacceptable pause in liveblogging

10:21 Next up: Snowboarding freestyle or whatever … not that interested? Why: BECAUSE I’M A GROWN-ASS MAN

10:14 Sam just told me about a performance art piece he heard about … all I can say is GODDAMN they should give that person a gold medal for “WTF”

10:13 Costas giving a shout-out to our troops in Kabul … much respect guys, stay safe and watch out for pocket squares…

10:11 Here’s that ol’ McDOnald’s commercial YET AGAIN … like Olympians eat Chicken McNuggets … PLEASE

10:10 Now Sam’s talking about some highly confidential shit.

10:09 WHere’s North Korea at the Olympics? HOld up, Colgate commercial featuring Brooke Shields?

10:08 MY NEW FAVORITE SPORT: MEN’S RELAY SPEED SKATE SHORT-RACING or whatever it’s called

10:08 Blog reader S.O., you’er sending me mad emails … I love it but I can’t answer them yet …

10:07 PM Okay you know what? I actually like this event. This is awesome! Everyone is constnatly in mostion, pushing off each other’s butt … going from inside to outside, plus they’re going fast as a “muhr-feh”

10:04:50:23 Speaking of Korea, once I went to China. It was really interesting … I went to Shanghai, Nanjing, WUhan, and Chonqing … I saw the 3 GOrges Dam, as in “God-DAM this thing is a hot mess…”

10:04 Big-ass crash! USA now in 2nd place … push off, guys, push off … USA vs Korea …

10:01:40:12 PM THe race is still going strong … nobody has quit … no crashes … like a well-oiled machine … just chillin’ right now … waiting on that pizza …

10:01 We’re off! THe men are racing … it’s like 200 ice skaters on the course! It’s like a relay or something … Sam: “It’s like the limbo” Umm… calling bullshit on that analogy, Sam. .. they push each other to go faster … I like it… graceful speed poetry in motion … “a testament to form” (private msg to SL) …

10:00 Whoa dudes pushing each other on the short-course speed skating! (Replay of earlier race) Okay … here comes a new race … Goddamn I don’t know about Mr. Ono’s soul patch, I might say “Oh no” to that soul patch … (get it, b/c his name is Ono–stupid but it made me giggle) … damn these guys wear some puffy-ass helmets …

9:59 SOul patch!!! Apollo Ono bringing an A1 soul patch!

9:57 (SAY IN Dick Vitale voice): IT’S THE OLYMPICS, BAY-BEE!!! POCKET SQUAYUH! IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, BAY-BEE!

9:56 OMG OMG POCKET SQUARE POCKET SQUARE WE HAVE POCKET SQUARE!!!!

9:54 NOW SHE’S RUNNING to find her coach? Or her lover? 🙁 No, I think it’s her coach. .. they’re hugging and crying … Sam: “Don’t you think it must be anticlimactic? Deep down she must be faking it (ie the tears)” Controversial analysis from Sam! “NBC will definitely not be calling you.” Sam: “Maybe the rot sets in a week later.” Sam, you’re about to be public enemy #1 with your player-hating … dude, c—WAIT — WAIT — pocketr square!!! POCKEt SQUARE

9:51 Okay, this ain’t Sam-blogging… it’s Olympo-blogging … get a grip … OKAY LINDSEY VONN is showing her heart right now … weeping with joy … I’m feeling this … goddamn I have a feeling we’re gonna see her on a box of Kashi Cereal soon … or maybe Wheaties? Hmm … grapenuts is my fave cereal … but I buy SHopRite fake grapenuts too be penny-wise … goddamn you can truly type anything can’t you? Liveblogging is so cool … anyway, VOnn is talking about how she went down the mountain burnin’ ass like nobody’s business .. “My leg was killing me … I was tired …” now we’re seeing her in slow-mo flying through the air like a trapeze … “What else should we be prepared to see you accomplish?” Lindsey: “I don’t care.” GODDAMN I LOVE YOU LINDSEY!!!

9:50:30 Now Sam’s playing my guitar. Seems to have a working knowledge of both D and C chords … maybe I’ll give him a gold medal at guitar playing

9:50 Morgan Freeman arrrggghh with the goddamn VISA ads. Sam: “I once did an amazing Morgan Freeman impressoin.” Me: “Do it now.” Sam: “I don’t think I could do it again.” Now Sam’s talking about some monologue from the Shawshank Redmpetion , “Or maybe it was Driving Miss Daisy.” Great, so my friend Sam is either a sentimentalist or a racist!!!

9:48 Sometimes I can’t tell what’s an NBC mini-documentary and what’s a credit card commercial

9:47 BREAKING: Lindsey Vonn has won the Woman’s Gold Medal In Girl’s Ski-Racing. We have a confirmed GOld medal winner!!! GIRL POWER

9:46 Are USA Women gonna sweep the ski-racing contest???

9:45:59 Can anyone beat Vonn at this point? I don’t think so … she’s just too beautiful … but this lady skiing right now looks okay … M. Riesch is her name, if I’m interpreting the graphics fcorrectly … “she just doesn’t want the speed” …

9:43 Sam: “It was like someone put her in a blender! (beat) I’ve got good, evocative crash descriptions.”

9:42 HUGE ski crash, guys. Damn, that one didn’t even look fun … dude just showed up with a snow shovel! It’s that bad … she was going so fast, she crashed! Right on her heiney! “Fehgadderboutit”

9:40 PM here comes another skier … from Denmark … but in important news, we’re ordering a pizza … Sam: “Do your visualization exercises about ordering the pizza …” PIZZA ORDER IS BURNING UP THE SLOPES … we’re ordering with half no-cheese, b/c I keep telling ppl I”m vegan even thought that’s fake as shit b/c a couple weeks ago my friends ordered me bone marrow at a fancy restaurant and I got all up in its “biz-dee-ness” (favorite word I made up last night) …

9:37:45 Gettin’ slippy and sloppy with time codes and spelling … “Fugaddaboutit”

9:37 MP ONE SKI??? Lindsey Vonn was rocking ONE SKI??? “Furgettabadoutit”

9:36 PM no longer italicizing time-codes … no time …

9:35 PM What happened? Sam and I were in the kitchen planning our pizza order and then we heard all this screaming and cheering — somebody musta just gone plain ol’ crazy on the slope … DEVELOPING

9:29 PM Time to thank my wine donors from yesterday: christopher savastio AND especially “Emil Zatopek” for those in the know …

9:28 PM ANOTHER CRASH ANOTHER LADY HITS THE SNOW … chilling hard on her butt, just sliding down the slope … then she got mad and thrashed about with her ski-pole!!!

9:27 PM For the record: We’re going to be drinking my fave liveblogging wine: Stephen Vincent 2006 Merlot!!! “The original Olywineblog wine!”

9:26 PM Now some guy is talking into a microphone about something, maybe about snow or something … not sure, Sam and I are talking about something– OH SHIT SAM BROUGH THE WINE… WE ABOUT TO GET BUCK…

9:25 PM BIG OL’ CRASH … floppin’ every which way .. Sam: “Like a killer whale tossing a seal…” our prayers go out to her family and her skis …

9:22 PM SA = Sam. I’m just gonna call him Sam from now on.

9:20 PM Goddamn some woman just tore up the slopes … I was like “is that Vonn?” and SA yelled at me: “That’s Mancuso! SHe’s a legend!” Oh shit we got an Olympics expert up in here!!!

9:17 PM My friend SA has arrived!!! He better start being funny … oh shit he’s already bringing some A+ material about spandex … THIS IS WHY WE GET UP IN TH EMORNING

9:15:46 PM Another woman is skiing … she looks good … “these girls have got to nail it aggressively…” she’s from Austria I think … she’s been skiing for 57 seconds now …

9:15 PM GUYS THANKS for all the nice emails you’re sending … will try to answer via liveblog …

9:14 PM REminds me a couple years ago when I got banned from a UNC basketball message board for criticizing Roy Williams’ Coca-Cola ads … LOL they weren’t trying to hear about human rights abuses at COlombian bottling plants … TY LAWSON WHY AREN’T YOU RETURNING MY CALLS

9:13 PM As a former left-wing political cartoonist, I assume I don’t have to register my disgust at the constant barrage of Coca-Cola ads, right?

9:12 PM I think we’re about to see a skiing race. Woman’s downhill skiing through the woods … no, no, wait … one woman at a time … I thought it was snowboardcross style, where you got four people going at the same time … okay, so this lady is racing down the course … going really fast … “we know it’s bumpy, we know it’s fast …” (talking about the course, not about how I’m gonna be demolishing pizza in about 30 minutes) … Stacy Cook was the skiers name .. she’s in the lead!

9:08:23:05 PM UPDATE: Lindsey Vonn, is the correct spelling.

9:08 PM Oly-doc @ Vaughn(sp), the famous woman skier … she’s one of our USA heroes, I think … “best US woman skier ever …” “Nearly ripped her thumb in half opening a champagne bottle at a victory celebration” I LIKE, I LIKE …

9:07 Oh shit, just off the phone with SA … we’re gonna order a pizza when he comes over!!! THE OLYPMICS ARE BACK, BABY

9:05 PM Awaiting arrival of blog reader SA, who will audio-commentate on the Olys and I will type what he says (if it’s funny) …

9:04 PM Mercedes commercial: “When you buy a car, what are you really buying?” Umm … a car, right?

9:03 PM Man that ice is looking smooooth … who couldn’t go fast on that ice?

9:02 PM Men’s speed-skating … lots of blue helmets: “What is this, the UN? Am I right or what people? I’m over here now …”

9:00:05:54 FYI, tonight’s posts will be recorded within 1/100th of a second, “Oly-style”

9:00:05 PM Here we are, face to face– a couple of OLYMPICS SPOONS

9:00 PM GAME ON