Olympic Liveblogging: Night III, Installment I

10:00 Whoa dudes pushing each other on the short-course speed skating! (Replay of earlier race) Okay … here comes a new race … Goddamn I don’t know about Mr. Ono’s soul patch, I might say “Oh no” to that soul patch … (get it, b/c his name is Ono–stupid but it made me giggle) … damn these guys wear some puffy-ass helmets …

9:59 SOul patch!!! Apollo Ono bringing an A1 soul patch!



9:54 NOW SHE’S RUNNING to find her coach? Or her lover? 🙁 No, I think it’s her coach. .. they’re hugging and crying … Sam: “Don’t you think it must be anticlimactic? Deep down she must be faking it (ie the tears)” Controversial analysis from Sam! “NBC will definitely not be calling you.” Sam: “Maybe the rot sets in a week later.” Sam, you’re about to be public enemy #1 with your player-hating … dude, c—WAIT — WAIT — pocketr square!!! POCKEt SQUARE

9:51 Okay, this ain’t Sam-blogging… it’s Olympo-blogging … get a grip … OKAY LINDSEY VONN is showing her heart right now … weeping with joy … I’m feeling this … goddamn I have a feeling we’re gonna see her on a box of Kashi Cereal soon … or maybe Wheaties? Hmm … grapenuts is my fave cereal … but I buy SHopRite fake grapenuts too be penny-wise … goddamn you can truly type anything can’t you? Liveblogging is so cool … anyway, VOnn is talking about how she went down the mountain burnin’ ass like nobody’s business .. “My leg was killing me … I was tired …” now we’re seeing her in slow-mo flying through the air like a trapeze … “What else should we be prepared to see you accomplish?” Lindsey: “I don’t care.” GODDAMN I LOVE YOU LINDSEY!!!

9:50:30 Now Sam’s playing my guitar. Seems to have a working knowledge of both D and C chords … maybe I’ll give him a gold medal at guitar playing

9:50 Morgan Freeman arrrggghh with the goddamn VISA ads. Sam: “I once did an amazing Morgan Freeman impressoin.” Me: “Do it now.” Sam: “I don’t think I could do it again.” Now Sam’s talking about some monologue from the Shawshank Redmpetion , “Or maybe it was Driving Miss Daisy.” Great, so my friend Sam is either a sentimentalist or a racist!!!

9:48 Sometimes I can’t tell what’s an NBC mini-documentary and what’s a credit card commercial

9:47 BREAKING: Lindsey Vonn has won the Woman’s Gold Medal In Girl’s Ski-Racing. We have a confirmed GOld medal winner!!! GIRL POWER

9:46 Are USA Women gonna sweep the ski-racing contest???

9:45:59 Can anyone beat Vonn at this point? I don’t think so … she’s just too beautiful … but this lady skiing right now looks okay … M. Riesch is her name, if I’m interpreting the graphics fcorrectly … “she just doesn’t want the speed” …

9:43 Sam: “It was like someone put her in a blender! (beat) I’ve got good, evocative crash descriptions.”

9:42 HUGE ski crash, guys. Damn, that one didn’t even look fun … dude just showed up with a snow shovel! It’s that bad … she was going so fast, she crashed! Right on her heiney! “Fehgadderboutit”

9:40 PM here comes another skier … from Denmark … but in important news, we’re ordering a pizza … Sam: “Do your visualization exercises about ordering the pizza …” PIZZA ORDER IS BURNING UP THE SLOPES … we’re ordering with half no-cheese, b/c I keep telling ppl I”m vegan even thought that’s fake as shit b/c a couple weeks ago my friends ordered me bone marrow at a fancy restaurant and I got all up in its “biz-dee-ness” (favorite word I made up last night) …

9:37:45 Gettin’ slippy and sloppy with time codes and spelling … “Fugaddaboutit”

9:37 MP ONE SKI??? Lindsey Vonn was rocking ONE SKI??? “Furgettabadoutit”

9:36 PM no longer italicizing time-codes … no time …

9:35 PM What happened? Sam and I were in the kitchen planning our pizza order and then we heard all this screaming and cheering — somebody musta just gone plain ol’ crazy on the slope … DEVELOPING

9:29 PM Time to thank my wine donors from yesterday: christopher savastio AND especially “Emil Zatopek” for those in the know …

9:28 PM ANOTHER CRASH ANOTHER LADY HITS THE SNOW … chilling hard on her butt, just sliding down the slope … then she got mad and thrashed about with her ski-pole!!!

9:27 PM For the record: We’re going to be drinking my fave liveblogging wine: Stephen Vincent 2006 Merlot!!! “The original Olywineblog wine!”

9:26 PM Now some guy is talking into a microphone about something, maybe about snow or something … not sure, Sam and I are talking about something– OH SHIT SAM BROUGH THE WINE… WE ABOUT TO GET BUCK…

9:25 PM BIG OL’ CRASH … floppin’ every which way .. Sam: “Like a killer whale tossing a seal…” our prayers go out to her family and her skis …

9:22 PM SA = Sam. I’m just gonna call him Sam from now on.

9:20 PM Goddamn some woman just tore up the slopes … I was like “is that Vonn?” and SA yelled at me: “That’s Mancuso! SHe’s a legend!” Oh shit we got an Olympics expert up in here!!!

9:17 PM My friend SA has arrived!!! He better start being funny … oh shit he’s already bringing some A+ material about spandex … THIS IS WHY WE GET UP IN TH EMORNING

9:15:46 PM Another woman is skiing … she looks good … “these girls have got to nail it aggressively…” she’s from Austria I think … she’s been skiing for 57 seconds now …

9:15 PM GUYS THANKS for all the nice emails you’re sending … will try to answer via liveblog …

9:14 PM REminds me a couple years ago when I got banned from a UNC basketball message board for criticizing Roy Williams’ Coca-Cola ads … LOL they weren’t trying to hear about human rights abuses at COlombian bottling plants … TY LAWSON WHY AREN’T YOU RETURNING MY CALLS

9:13 PM As a former left-wing political cartoonist, I assume I don’t have to register my disgust at the constant barrage of Coca-Cola ads, right?

9:12 PM I think we’re about to see a skiing race. Woman’s downhill skiing through the woods … no, no, wait … one woman at a time … I thought it was snowboardcross style, where you got four people going at the same time … okay, so this lady is racing down the course … going really fast … “we know it’s bumpy, we know it’s fast …” (talking about the course, not about how I’m gonna be demolishing pizza in about 30 minutes) … Stacy Cook was the skiers name .. she’s in the lead!

9:08:23:05 PM UPDATE: Lindsey Vonn, is the correct spelling.

9:08 PM Oly-doc @ Vaughn(sp), the famous woman skier … she’s one of our USA heroes, I think … “best US woman skier ever …” “Nearly ripped her thumb in half opening a champagne bottle at a victory celebration” I LIKE, I LIKE …

9:07 Oh shit, just off the phone with SA … we’re gonna order a pizza when he comes over!!! THE OLYPMICS ARE BACK, BABY

9:05 PM Awaiting arrival of blog reader SA, who will audio-commentate on the Olys and I will type what he says (if it’s funny) …

9:04 PM Mercedes commercial: “When you buy a car, what are you really buying?” Umm … a car, right?

9:03 PM Man that ice is looking smooooth … who couldn’t go fast on that ice?

9:02 PM Men’s speed-skating … lots of blue helmets: “What is this, the UN? Am I right or what people? I’m over here now …”

9:00:05:54 FYI, tonight’s posts will be recorded within 1/100th of a second, “Oly-style”

9:00:05 PM Here we are, face to face– a couple of OLYMPICS SPOONS