In preparation for Sunday’s Oscars, I’m looking for a list of all the nominees. Is this list publicized before the awards ceremony?

I’m gonna liveblog the Oscars if they’re televised. The Oscars, for those of you who have been living under a rock on Mars, are like the Olympics of Hollywood. They take place on Sunday night.

Like the Olympics, there will be an opening ceremony, multiple events, separate categories for men and women, and a huge, menacing flame that can never be extinguished.

Also, North Korea will not participate.

The Kentucky Senator has been dominating the news cycle, and I’ve found the best costume for those of you who want to dress up as him for Halloween.

I can’t believe I missed the end of the Olympics. I thought it lasted a whole month …

I found some snow!

I’m liveblogging TONIGHT — at True/Slant. You can comment! GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE

Stay tuned … weather center is going crazy about the upcoming weblogging storm …

Just off the phone with the National Weather Center … I’ve been told there’s a 50% chance of liveblogging along the West Coast tonight …

11:00 PM PST: Okay, everyone. I gotta go. Thank you so much for supporting this west coast edition of MNFTIU OLYMPIC LIVEBLOGGING. Thanks to my west-coast hosts. I’ll blog again before you know it … please keep it locked to MNFTIU for all your Olympics needs! PEACE

10:59 PM PST: Know what? I don’t think McDonald’s commercial was made in America. I think it was made in Europe — and i should know, b/c I’ve seen it 100 times in the four days I’ve been blogging the olympics.

10:58 PM PST: Oh man someone should give me a gold medal for the dessert I just invented: Blueberry pie with crushed up chocolate fudge cookies on top. “Fuggedaboutit.” That was tasty as a mehfur.

10:47 PM PST: Just savoring the glory of the fact that people from my country did a good job to race their bobsled so fucking fast.

10:45 PM PST: Another day, another bobsled race. Here comes USA team. Big black bobsled. Looks lethal, like a stealth bomber raining death and destruction on evildoers. Currently ahead of Canada… .can they do this??? CAN THEY CAN THEY???USA in the lead???

10:44 PM PST: Bobsledding interview! My new favorite cultural phenomenon! “What were you doing in that sled?” “I was racing it.” “Did you have a good run?” “We got +.022 over the previous semifinalist, so we were happy.” “Great, God bless you and your bobsled.” “Praise God.”

10:43 PM PST: Excuse me ladies and gents, I’ll just need a few minutes to get excited about more bobsledding… (see you in 20,000 years)

10:40 PM PST: GREAT COMMERCIAL ABOUT MOMS from Proctor and Gamble. If my mom wasn’t crying at that, you must be crazy.

10:39:55 PM PST: Bob Costas: “The crafty Ohno advances.” Oh lord, not more bobsledding! The only reason they have this sport at the Olympics is b/c Bob Costas invented it! (Get it, “Bob(Costas)sledding?” GET IT? GET IT???)

10:39:50 Ohno advances … I hear mad crazy booing?

10:39 Damn Ohno schooled ’em!

10:38 Oh snap Ohno! Oh snap!!! Ohno ohno

10:37 PM PST: Goddamn could those ice-skate blades be any longer and more gold and deadly looking?

10:36 And they’re OFF! This is Apolo Ohno’s big race. If he wins, the King of Olymipcs will let his family live.

10:35 Roller-derby-grade drama on the ice course. not sure I approve. Are they all gonna skate with fake names now? And yet ANOTHER false start? guys, let’s get it together. It’s the Olymipcs, yo.

10:34 What happened with CElski? Crazy stuff. maybe he’s in the wrong sport. He should be in that other winter sport– the one that looks kinda like his last name: SKI(ing).

10:34 Celski DISQUALIFIED!!!! he threw the guy off! MIND-BLOWING!!!!

10:33 Incredible so-motion replays.

10:31 PM PST: This race is going well, so far no crashes. No bad language on th eice, please remember. making his move … creeping up … trying to pass. . the american is trying to break away inside….SHOVED THE DUDE OFF HIS ASS??? Crowd is booing like a madman!!! Replay … JR Celski’s foe was gettin’ cozy all up in that butt …

10:29 PM PST: HOw about that guest-blogger, huh? She did a good job. Liveblogging is harder than it looks– it takes a deep knowledge of whatever you’er blogging about. And you have to be a good fast typist. and know how to spell everyhtint correclt.y 😉

10:28 PM PST: Short-form speed skating! Let’s go! They should have an ice-skating race that’s only 5 feet long, or 1/20th of one lap.

10:27 PM PST: Okay, what did I miss? Dutch people celebrating the victory of an ice-skater. “Only in the Olympics, ladies and gentlemen!”

10:24 PM PST: David here. Back in charge. Time to restore the brand. Thanks to special assistant blogger SL for helping out. Not sure how much Oly-info she gave you, but have no fear: I”M BACK. On the other hand, she blogged for free. And I appreciate it. “You are apprciated.” Now … game ON

10:22 PM he is reclining and concerned about how he looks in the photos. olympics are yesteryear

10:21 PM david is getting too comfortable not blogging i can TELL

10:21 PM sexy black boots woof woof

10:17 PM what is this? david says it is a mini-documentary about the mounties… our attention is divided between the mini-doc and the photos (well they are really, really into the photos, especially the ones we took tonight, and some of katherine’s nephew) — i feel lonely watching the mounty thing. nice bright red outfits.

10:17 PM info about canada.

10:16 PM armchairs and a fireplace and a chat.

10:14 PM david says (he is looking at photos of me and katherine from a trip) “write down on the blog that you guys are still friends!” and now he tells me “write about canada is winning the gold medal”–ooh that guy singing oh canada is cute. david says he is the one who went so crazy…

10:09 PM i feel some pressure to say something about the next race. katherine and david are talking about relationships. this is difficult and i’m going on break!!

10: 06 PM a new race. those guys aren’t really watching it. can i get them to turn their attention towards the television? i like this kind of racing how they touch the ice with their fingertips. those guys are talking about having a film night.

10:04 PM katherine is showing david photos during the commercial. “this is my weekend last weekend.” (the commercial is for safeway.)

10:03 PM david is eating soup and i sarah am your guest blogger for the next couple of minutes. katherine is sorting her photos. no olympics are on.

9:57 PM Top o’ the hour soup break …

9:56 PM PST: “Can you just reach out and pinch his butt?” (One of our party, re: the rules for speed-skating)

9:55 HOW can five guys run in a circle on the ice like that without poking each other’s eyes out with their deadly ice-skates on their feet? “Will wonders ever cease?” They sometimes look like they’re doing roller derby, the famous smash-em-up game.

9:54 PM PST: Here comes more hot speed-skating! FALSE START??? What is this, amateur hour? (Well, technically, yes, for Olympians must be amateurs [I think]) Goddamn ANOTHER false start? What is this, a Hollywood woman’s bosom? (b/c they all have false breasts out there)

9:49 PM PST Conchords-guy in the lead, Ohno in third, two anonymous dudes fill inthe rest . These dues are allowed to touch the ice? “What’s happened to standards?” Oh shit Ohno creepin’ up … advances to next round … which is called the “Semis,” whatever that means (I never understood that stuff: Semifinal, Quarterfinal, etc., how about we just call it all “Fun adventures” and leave it at that?)

9:47 PM PST Here comes Apolo Ohno, whose name I think I have spelled correctly for the first time. Holy shit his dad looks badder-asser than a “murg-furg.” And now we got some Flight of the Conchords-lookin’ dude trying to take the crown from him! Four nations compete on the track .. four teams vie for the gold … one liveblogger tries to capture the action … and WE’RE OFF

9:45:40 PM PST: Seattle people! Did you just see that commercial for the hot-tub company??? How many freakin’ jets and nozzles did that hot-tub have??? OMG that was off the HOOK

9:45 PM “Short track skating is chaos on the ice.” (My new quote)

9:42 PM PST: Lindesy Vonn being interviewed about “How do you ski so fast? What’s your favorite ski? What songs do you like about skiing? Do you ever drink wine when you’re racing down the mountain?” I WISH THOSE WERE the questions — back to you Bob Costas, talking about how Andrea Fischbacher’s great grandpappy invented skiing or some such trivia. now he’s all like, “The weather affects how people race on the ski-slopes.” Really? I’m skeptical.

9:41 PM PST: Just had an interesting conversation with our host about rearranging her furniture so she can look out the window better. Losing interest in skiing.

9:39 I love Brooke Shields’ colgate toothpaste commercial. No way is that her real house, right? That’s gotta be a fake bathroom.

9:37 I love that “T. Maze won Silver in Super-G.” Could that sound more like a track Lil Wayne does a guest-verse on?

9:34 PM PST: This skier is “T. Maze.” GREAT NAME. It’s like if you get lost inside a hedge row inside T. Pain. WWHOA WHOA WAIT did T Pain just take the gold from Fischerbacker??? What’s going on? I muted the TV so not sure what the announcers are saying. Jus tusing my eyes to get information and I can’t tell what’s what b/c all the skiers look the same. What Happened? Now Chelsea Marshall is up, looking like she don’t take no shit in her official olympic photo. She looks like a bus driver, no offense — just gives off that “no nonsense, get on the bus” vibe– but today? SHE IS A SKI-DRIVER, and the fare-price is ONE GOLD MEDAL. (j/k no way is she getting the gold b/c she just crashed realy, real, hard.) Ouch glad that wasn’t a bus. 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

9:32 PM PST: Mandatory disclosure: I am watching the Olympics with my gals Katherine and Sarah. Katherine is recovering Facebook addict; please do not contact her via Facebook for 7 days. This is not a joke.

9:30 PM PST: Who’s going to the Harry Potter Wizard theme park with me? Can you really ride a broom through the sky?

9:28 PM PST: Now yet another person is racing. This person’s name is “Paerson.” That’s pretty cool. think about, guys: A person = Paerson. It’s called an anagram, homes. Get used to it. Whoa I just got incredibly bored with all this skiing. Why dont’ they jsut show figure-skating every day all day? Didn’t we decide a few nights ago that figure skating was the best?

9:27 PM PST: Is this event really called “Super G?” Huh?

9:26 PM MPST: Fischbacher takes the lead over Vonn? Are you kidding me? With that slapdash jump where she almost landed on the end of her skis??? Amazing– but the clocks don’t lie. the time is the time. And the rules are the rules. Vonn is no longer in the lead! Fischbacher is in the lead! “The student is the master, and the master is the student.”

9:24 PM PST: Can anyone beat Vonn? this woman name Fischbacher is going to try … using her skis. She’s going down the hill … had a bit o’ wee trouble … “She’s not panicking” .. neither am I — God has a plan for each of us, so just lay back and chill…

9:23 PM PST: We went with a nice Manhattan for a drink. Thanks for everyone’s suggestions. Bloody Mary was voted down as not a dinner drink… 🙁

9:21 PM PST: While I was eating my soup, Lindsey Vonn went on her skis.

9:11 PM PST: Soup break! Soup break! THe soup is ready …

9:09 PM PST: Here comes the German Riesch … previous warrior champion … she was out of bounds… they must have big leg muscles to go on their skis! I liker her rainbow outfit. Those would be some killer pajamas.

9:08 PM PST: Also, I prefer drinks that aren’t too sweet. Are there any drinks that have pepper in them? (Seriously)

9:07 PM PST: Reader NF recommends sloe gin fizz for my next drink. But we don’t have soda water. Any other suggestions?

9:06 PM PST: No, Cyndi Lauper. Please.

9:04 PM PST: Next up? E. Brydon, another skier of gender. She just bumped into a flag or fence-post or whatever … she’s Canadian, which makes her the home-town favorite. BIG SMASH BIG CRASH she just biffed it right where Mancuso did, but instead of jsut going out-of-bonds, she made a fat face-plant into the ice “Ouch, that’s brutal!” <-----announcer 9:02 PM PST: Here comes J. Mancuso, going down the mountain so fast. Wait a minute, didn't we see this a few days ago? Is this a new kind of ski-race or what? Maybe it's longer? Or has more squiggles in it? Uh oh, Mancuso went off-course... too much speed, too much passion ... can't obey society's rules ... like a wild animal uncaged ... she will be penalized for her transgression on the slopes ... expect an angry fax from Vatican City ... 9:01 PM PST: "American Ski Divas" time for some "FEMALE SKI WARS"

8:59 PM I love this Irish Spring commercial. Plus, it’s one of my favorite soaps. Okay, now we’ve got a commercial for COAL talking about how people are losing their jobs so let’s burn a bunch of coal b/c coal is the wave of the future

8:58 PM Commercial break … lots of ice-skating previews that’s good. Oh and Lindesy Vonn will do some more skiing. Should be a fun night. Time for my next cocktail order. What should it be? Let me know via email: dr@mnftiu.cc

8:53:05 PM PST: Shani Davis looking focused-er than a “murj-fehr” And. they’re off. Canada vs. USA classic race. Is it for the gold? Can’t tell. Dude they are BURNING. Davis vs. Makowsky! The best of the best! But they’re looking a wee bit slow … Davis is 18/100 of a second over the winning time (I don’t understand how all these different “record-time splits” work … what am I , a professional clock?) Davis is “grimacing” can he do ti? Can he do it? DO IT? DO IT? IT? IT? IT? IT? Shani Davis wins … SILVER>>>> Netherlands wins GOld. He just couldn’t pull it off. I guess he ate too many nachos and drank too many beers last night. And maybe he smoked a fat cigar right before the race, that would explain it. Oh well. Next time he won’t do all those bad things. In the meantime, the dude from the Netherlands is PSCYHED!!! He won the gold! Now back to Bob Costas …

8:52 PM PST: Our hostess is talking about facebook, the famous social networking site I’m getting into. WTF re: Back of Shani Davis warm-up outfit??? Psych-warfare? Say, did anyone read that book “Behold a Pale Horse?” Zoiks … that book is no fun.

8:48 BIG race right now… USA guy’s last Olympic race aaginst Netherlands winner. .. this is it guys, this is why we host the Olympics.. Hedrick vs. Groothuis! Only one shall be champion! (I wish it could be me) … these guys are lookging good, “They have a respect for each others’ skating atheltics” … I wish I could type faster… “leave nothing on the ice” … words to live by– uhoh they gotta pick up th epace … not fast enough,,, go aster! Hedrick won (the American) but he wasn’t ffast enough for medals. His Olympic career is ovah. Shani Davis (USA) is still the man to beat. He could win another WInter Oly-Gold medal.

8:46 PM PST: Netherlands guy won! “The Dutch trying to get back up on the podium.” Well, then, maybe they should compete in “Coffeeshops Where You Can Buy A Fat Joint Of Dope” competition–they’re sure to win the gold! <---------------PRAISE GOD FOR JOKES 8:44 PM PST: NORWAY vs. NETHERLANDS, two great nations, two great skaters, going head to head ... "He's only 2 seconds in the lead now..." anything under 5 seconds is a tie, remember our special rule? 8:42 PM PST: I can't tell if "hot tub time machine" will make money or not. Will it be the next "The Hangover," or the next ... "ISHTAR," the FAMOUS HORRIBLE MOVIE??? 8:41:35 PM PST: Look at the smile on that winner! He can really smile! The Russian did great. 8:41 PM PST: ICE SKATES ARE THE BEST 8:39 PM PST: These speedskaters are looking like old-school superheroes! Ice skates rule, bobsleds drool. 8:38 PM MPST: I didn't believe that was the real interior of the Goodyear blimp for one second. 8:37 PM PST: UPDATE FROM MY MOM: The McDOnalds' commercial didn't make her cry (remember a few nights ago when I was liveblogging that mickey-d's commercial?) 8:35:235 PM PST: Goddamn they are in their FLOW right now. Beuatiful. ! ALl events featuring ice skates RULE 8:35 PM PST: Here comes Canada vs. Italy in ice skating. my prediction: Canada will crush Italy in this event. Goddamn they are just straight-up running on the ice! 8:34 PM PST: READER FEEDBACK SUMMARY: East coast readers are in agony ... West coast winners are iN ECSTASY!!! "I'm west-coast tonight ... East Coast, try to keep up!" 8:29 PM PST: Costas back in the house ... moving on to Speedskating !! Shani Davis is the famous USA winner of an earlier event ... this is the 1500 m event I think? Ooh this guy looks like trouble: Trevor Marsicando(sp) -- could NBC please leave the atherlete's names up for a shorter amount of time LOL-- and we got another guy -- a Japanese guy? OH SNAP TWO-MAN skate-off! Just two guys ont he ice? Oh wait, no there's othe rdudes waiting in the wings ... OKay, it's USA vs. Korea not Japan ... going fast, strong on the ice ... I love how they swing their arms, I just do. It's just one of those things that strikes you ... maybe for you it's like how leaf falls or something. (Is that too poetic? "Blame it on da rain") 8:28:50 PM PST: A member of our party just made the inevitable "Bobsled = Waterslide" comparison. YOWCH. "I'm glad I"m not a waterslide right now." 8:28:10 PM PST: USA #3 is going fast! Their sled is lookin' like a straight-up Pinewood Derby classic (shout out to my Cub SCout fans) ... 8:26 PM PST: ANother interview with bobsledders: “What was it like going down the track in your stupid dumb-ass sled?” “It was pretty good.” (My interpretation)

8:25 PM PST: I’m sitting here drinking this scotch and we all just remember there’s a blueberry pie in the fridge and we all got happy.

8:24 PM PST: (Private joke to ppl who watch the Olympics on NBC): “ANyone ever heard of maybe there’s gonna be a new show called ‘Parenthood’? Anybody maybe seen a commercial about that, ever in their life, maybe just one time?”

8:24 PM PST: Russia in 8th place … “Communism loses again>”

8:22 PM PST: Between you and me, I’m ready for a new sport. You can’t see shit when the guys are in the bobsled… where are the expressions, the faical nuances, the beads of sweat? Who the “eff” knows? All you can see is that gol-durned sled — Oh snap spiderman web butt team is back again … here we go RUssia! Go RUSSIA! MOTHER RUSSIA I LOVE YOU ! Kruschve and TOlstoy for life!!! Remember when he banged his shoe on the desk and yelled, “Vee vill invade USA!” or whatever ..?

8:20 PM PST: ORANGE HELMET … someone has an orange helmet, it’s the Netherlands team. THey look good, I got a fine feelings about these guys frmo Nethertlandas (have you ever been to Amsterdram, you can buy mary-jane at a cookie store!) … and they’re off! Orange sled, orange helmets, and you know they’ve got Sunny D holding it down in the firdge (b/c it’s orange) … their slide sounds exreeeeeemley rickety. It looks longer than the other sleds… uh oh losing control losing control be safe be safe oh man ouch they didn’t go so good. Still behind Germany … my brother can speak German.

8:19 PM PST: Captivating interview w/ USA bobsledders about how they couldn’t get their sled to go fast enough

8:18 PM PST: And Guy Fieri takes ANOTHER one of my dream jobs: “Minute to Win It” (he already has my #1 dream job, hosting “Diners Drive-Ins, and Dives”

8:17 PM PST: Hey Olympics! I’ve been watching you for like 26 years. Could you maybe spare 5 mintues to convince me that bobsledding is a sport? Make a CGI diagram or something?

8:16 PM PST: My host is going to add a comment, “Looks like they’re pushing lawnmowers!” (re: bobsleds) “And they just ujumped inside a rocket … (beat) … wow …” duly impressed with “Tha Bob” (ie bobsled slang term for bobsleds)

8:14 PM PST: Here comes those RUssians in their white bobsled … “Feel the speed …” I tell ya, theses bobsleds just zip around like nobody’s businesss! I don’t even think they engines in them. I think the engine is gravity, the famous force that pushes everything towards the center of the arth. … Oh snap Russians bobsled uniforms featuring Spiderman-web pants.

8:13 PM PST: THe announcer is yammering on about “Why didn’t the bobsled go fast enough” while I take a gander at this fine drink: Aberlour 12-year scotch …

8:12 PM PST: USA bobsledders are going buck-wild, speed-wise. Going so fast, I can hear the passion in the announcer’s voice!!! He’s raising his voice in excitement! Their sled looks good … wait, does it have puruple on it? (Puprle, the famous color?) THey didn’t go fast enough… OH SNAP LOOK AT THIS BOOZE

8:11 PM PST: Damn they got some thighs on ’em, those bobsledders.

8:10:59 PM PST: Putting in a drink request with my host. “Gotta go with whiskey and bobsleds.”

8:10 PM PST: “Xfinity from ComCast.” That doesn’t sound fake enough, not at all. “Xfinity.” That sounds like a 25th Century call girl.

8:09 PM PST: I will let this Jay Leno commercial pass without comment.

8:08 PM PST: They’re talking about how air gets caught in the sled or something, how you don’t want air in the sled??? What in the tarnation of hell is going on with these sleds? You can’t put air in a goddamn sled? “What’s this world coming to?”

8:06:15 PM PST: “90 miles an hour.” Are you kidding me that this rickety-ass sled-a-ma-bob just went 90 mph? FOrget that. Oh snap, we got a big fat-ass sled-driver about to do it — German — 254 lbs. I love it! Damn, his body weight will make that sled flllyyyyyyy…

8:06 PM Is that thing a toboggan? Or a luge? Or just a sled with a roof on it? I can’t tell.

8:05 PM GOddamn WHAT KIND OF SLED IS THAT? That things look bad-asser than a “mur-fuhr-ker”! Sounds really rickety, though… hope it’s okay. Or is that rattling sound the noisemakers of the onlookers?

8:04 PM PST: Dude I can’t even tell what sport this is, but that track looks scarier than a “mehr-fehr”! Is this the track where they had the horrible accident at the beginning of th eOlympics? Hope not. 🙁

8:03 PM PST: Arrggh can’t hear Costas b/c these people are talking in the apartment … keep it down guys: I only ask once every four years!!! It’s the OLYMPICS!!! Now Costas is taking us live to the “Sliding Center” or “Sledding CEnter” or something? It’s called “The Whistler?” I can’t hardly hear the television! Just goign on visuals–using my eyes to grasp information about sports (It’s my speciality)

8:02:32 PM PST: And we’re OFF! Bob Costas’s voice floats over the peaks … taking about Shani Davis and some other guys and gals … Costas has put on a necktie, but alas no pocket square … c’mon guys, are we serious about this or not?

8:02 PM PST: “And there’s his pursuit of history … another challenge …” (I think he’s talking about that speed skater guy who won the other night) …

8:01 PM PST: Olympics theme jingle rings out across the mountains … we’re in Seattle, just a few miles south of the Olympics (which are in Canada this year) … GET READY …

8:00 PM PST: Big time blog time … we’re doing this. Get ready for the OLYMPICS, one of the most famous sports festivals OF HISTORY!!!