Saturday Night Olympic Liveblogging, Part I

8:59 PM I love this Irish Spring commercial. Plus, it’s one of my favorite soaps. Okay, now we’ve got a commercial for COAL talking about how people are losing their jobs so let’s burn a bunch of coal b/c coal is the wave of the future

8:58 PM Commercial break … lots of ice-skating previews that’s good. Oh and Lindesy Vonn will do some more skiing. Should be a fun night. Time for my next cocktail order. What should it be? Let me know via email:

8:53:05 PM PST: Shani Davis looking focused-er than a “murj-fehr” And. they’re off. Canada vs. USA classic race. Is it for the gold? Can’t tell. Dude they are BURNING. Davis vs. Makowsky! The best of the best! But they’re looking a wee bit slow … Davis is 18/100 of a second over the winning time (I don’t understand how all these different “record-time splits” work … what am I , a professional clock?) Davis is “grimacing” can he do ti? Can he do it? DO IT? DO IT? IT? IT? IT? IT? Shani Davis wins … SILVER>>>> Netherlands wins GOld. He just couldn’t pull it off. I guess he ate too many nachos and drank too many beers last night. And maybe he smoked a fat cigar right before the race, that would explain it. Oh well. Next time he won’t do all those bad things. In the meantime, the dude from the Netherlands is PSCYHED!!! He won the gold! Now back to Bob Costas …

8:52 PM PST: Our hostess is talking about facebook, the famous social networking site I’m getting into. WTF re: Back of Shani Davis warm-up outfit??? Psych-warfare? Say, did anyone read that book “Behold a Pale Horse?” Zoiks … that book is no fun.

8:48 BIG race right now… USA guy’s last Olympic race aaginst Netherlands winner. .. this is it guys, this is why we host the Olympics.. Hedrick vs. Groothuis! Only one shall be champion! (I wish it could be me) … these guys are lookging good, “They have a respect for each others’ skating atheltics” … I wish I could type faster… “leave nothing on the ice” … words to live by– uhoh they gotta pick up th epace … not fast enough,,, go aster! Hedrick won (the American) but he wasn’t ffast enough for medals. His Olympic career is ovah. Shani Davis (USA) is still the man to beat. He could win another WInter Oly-Gold medal.

8:46 PM PST: Netherlands guy won! “The Dutch trying to get back up on the podium.” Well, then, maybe they should compete in “Coffeeshops Where You Can Buy A Fat Joint Of Dope” competition–they’re sure to win the gold! <---------------PRAISE GOD FOR JOKES 8:44 PM PST: NORWAY vs. NETHERLANDS, two great nations, two great skaters, going head to head ... "He's only 2 seconds in the lead now..." anything under 5 seconds is a tie, remember our special rule? 8:42 PM PST: I can't tell if "hot tub time machine" will make money or not. Will it be the next "The Hangover," or the next ... "ISHTAR," the FAMOUS HORRIBLE MOVIE??? 8:41:35 PM PST: Look at the smile on that winner! He can really smile! The Russian did great. 8:41 PM PST: ICE SKATES ARE THE BEST 8:39 PM PST: These speedskaters are looking like old-school superheroes! Ice skates rule, bobsleds drool. 8:38 PM MPST: I didn't believe that was the real interior of the Goodyear blimp for one second. 8:37 PM PST: UPDATE FROM MY MOM: The McDOnalds' commercial didn't make her cry (remember a few nights ago when I was liveblogging that mickey-d's commercial?) 8:35:235 PM PST: Goddamn they are in their FLOW right now. Beuatiful. ! ALl events featuring ice skates RULE 8:35 PM PST: Here comes Canada vs. Italy in ice skating. my prediction: Canada will crush Italy in this event. Goddamn they are just straight-up running on the ice! 8:34 PM PST: READER FEEDBACK SUMMARY: East coast readers are in agony ... West coast winners are iN ECSTASY!!! "I'm west-coast tonight ... East Coast, try to keep up!" 8:29 PM PST: Costas back in the house ... moving on to Speedskating !! Shani Davis is the famous USA winner of an earlier event ... this is the 1500 m event I think? Ooh this guy looks like trouble: Trevor Marsicando(sp) -- could NBC please leave the atherlete's names up for a shorter amount of time LOL-- and we got another guy -- a Japanese guy? OH SNAP TWO-MAN skate-off! Just two guys ont he ice? Oh wait, no there's othe rdudes waiting in the wings ... OKay, it's USA vs. Korea not Japan ... going fast, strong on the ice ... I love how they swing their arms, I just do. It's just one of those things that strikes you ... maybe for you it's like how leaf falls or something. (Is that too poetic? "Blame it on da rain") 8:28:50 PM PST: A member of our party just made the inevitable "Bobsled = Waterslide" comparison. YOWCH. "I'm glad I"m not a waterslide right now." 8:28:10 PM PST: USA #3 is going fast! Their sled is lookin' like a straight-up Pinewood Derby classic (shout out to my Cub SCout fans) ... 8:26 PM PST: ANother interview with bobsledders: “What was it like going down the track in your stupid dumb-ass sled?” “It was pretty good.” (My interpretation)

8:25 PM PST: I’m sitting here drinking this scotch and we all just remember there’s a blueberry pie in the fridge and we all got happy.

8:24 PM PST: (Private joke to ppl who watch the Olympics on NBC): “ANyone ever heard of maybe there’s gonna be a new show called ‘Parenthood’? Anybody maybe seen a commercial about that, ever in their life, maybe just one time?”

8:24 PM PST: Russia in 8th place … “Communism loses again>”

8:22 PM PST: Between you and me, I’m ready for a new sport. You can’t see shit when the guys are in the bobsled… where are the expressions, the faical nuances, the beads of sweat? Who the “eff” knows? All you can see is that gol-durned sled — Oh snap spiderman web butt team is back again … here we go RUssia! Go RUSSIA! MOTHER RUSSIA I LOVE YOU ! Kruschve and TOlstoy for life!!! Remember when he banged his shoe on the desk and yelled, “Vee vill invade USA!” or whatever ..?

8:20 PM PST: ORANGE HELMET … someone has an orange helmet, it’s the Netherlands team. THey look good, I got a fine feelings about these guys frmo Nethertlandas (have you ever been to Amsterdram, you can buy mary-jane at a cookie store!) … and they’re off! Orange sled, orange helmets, and you know they’ve got Sunny D holding it down in the firdge (b/c it’s orange) … their slide sounds exreeeeeemley rickety. It looks longer than the other sleds… uh oh losing control losing control be safe be safe oh man ouch they didn’t go so good. Still behind Germany … my brother can speak German.

8:19 PM PST: Captivating interview w/ USA bobsledders about how they couldn’t get their sled to go fast enough

8:18 PM PST: And Guy Fieri takes ANOTHER one of my dream jobs: “Minute to Win It” (he already has my #1 dream job, hosting “Diners Drive-Ins, and Dives”

8:17 PM PST: Hey Olympics! I’ve been watching you for like 26 years. Could you maybe spare 5 mintues to convince me that bobsledding is a sport? Make a CGI diagram or something?

8:16 PM PST: My host is going to add a comment, “Looks like they’re pushing lawnmowers!” (re: bobsleds) “And they just ujumped inside a rocket … (beat) … wow …” duly impressed with “Tha Bob” (ie bobsled slang term for bobsleds)

8:14 PM PST: Here comes those RUssians in their white bobsled … “Feel the speed …” I tell ya, theses bobsleds just zip around like nobody’s businesss! I don’t even think they engines in them. I think the engine is gravity, the famous force that pushes everything towards the center of the arth. … Oh snap Russians bobsled uniforms featuring Spiderman-web pants.

8:13 PM PST: THe announcer is yammering on about “Why didn’t the bobsled go fast enough” while I take a gander at this fine drink: Aberlour 12-year scotch …

8:12 PM PST: USA bobsledders are going buck-wild, speed-wise. Going so fast, I can hear the passion in the announcer’s voice!!! He’s raising his voice in excitement! Their sled looks good … wait, does it have puruple on it? (Puprle, the famous color?) THey didn’t go fast enough… OH SNAP LOOK AT THIS BOOZE

8:11 PM PST: Damn they got some thighs on ’em, those bobsledders.

8:10:59 PM PST: Putting in a drink request with my host. “Gotta go with whiskey and bobsleds.”

8:10 PM PST: “Xfinity from ComCast.” That doesn’t sound fake enough, not at all. “Xfinity.” That sounds like a 25th Century call girl.

8:09 PM PST: I will let this Jay Leno commercial pass without comment.

8:08 PM PST: They’re talking about how air gets caught in the sled or something, how you don’t want air in the sled??? What in the tarnation of hell is going on with these sleds? You can’t put air in a goddamn sled? “What’s this world coming to?”

8:06:15 PM PST: “90 miles an hour.” Are you kidding me that this rickety-ass sled-a-ma-bob just went 90 mph? FOrget that. Oh snap, we got a big fat-ass sled-driver about to do it — German — 254 lbs. I love it! Damn, his body weight will make that sled flllyyyyyyy…

8:06 PM Is that thing a toboggan? Or a luge? Or just a sled with a roof on it? I can’t tell.

8:05 PM GOddamn WHAT KIND OF SLED IS THAT? That things look bad-asser than a “mur-fuhr-ker”! Sounds really rickety, though… hope it’s okay. Or is that rattling sound the noisemakers of the onlookers?

8:04 PM PST: Dude I can’t even tell what sport this is, but that track looks scarier than a “mehr-fehr”! Is this the track where they had the horrible accident at the beginning of th eOlympics? Hope not. 🙁

8:03 PM PST: Arrggh can’t hear Costas b/c these people are talking in the apartment … keep it down guys: I only ask once every four years!!! It’s the OLYMPICS!!! Now Costas is taking us live to the “Sliding Center” or “Sledding CEnter” or something? It’s called “The Whistler?” I can’t hardly hear the television! Just goign on visuals–using my eyes to grasp information about sports (It’s my speciality)

8:02:32 PM PST: And we’re OFF! Bob Costas’s voice floats over the peaks … taking about Shani Davis and some other guys and gals … Costas has put on a necktie, but alas no pocket square … c’mon guys, are we serious about this or not?

8:02 PM PST: “And there’s his pursuit of history … another challenge …” (I think he’s talking about that speed skater guy who won the other night) …

8:01 PM PST: Olympics theme jingle rings out across the mountains … we’re in Seattle, just a few miles south of the Olympics (which are in Canada this year) … GET READY …

8:00 PM PST: Big time blog time … we’re doing this. Get ready for the OLYMPICS, one of the most famous sports festivals OF HISTORY!!!