Many thanks to the internet cabal known as “Doomed to Collide” for their donation to mnftiu.cc!

I made this animated gif for them because they were generous donors. If you’d like an animated gif, make a donation to this site using PayPal!!!

From their home page, a reader testimonial:

Thanks this has really help my daughter with her school project “Grooving through the decades”

I was trying to figure out how much a beer would’ve cost in 1970 (long story), and in the course of my internet research, I stumbled upon a pretty neat little site called “The People History.” (Eat it, Zinn.)

“Imagine you could go shopping for food and groceries in the 1970’s these are some of the foods you may have bought to feed a family”

Umm… are those sidebar graphics hot enough for you? Nixon-cropping Excellence Factor = 99.9

Another day, another satisfied customer:

I just received my pencil. Consider me a VERY satisfied customer! I will be advertising your service to all of my colleagues and students.

This is why I got into the artisanal pencil-sharpening business: to make people happy.

Paypal $40 to dr@mnftiu.cc; I’ll send you an extremely sharp pencil and a limited edition pencil-sharpening print!

Let’s get sharp.

Greetings from the wine store. I’ll be here all day.

This morning I was at the post office shipping some extremely sharp pencils to Canada. Standing in line behind me? Pete Seeger, with a bundle of cards and packages (as usual) sent to him from fans the world over.

The clerk who was helping me ship my pencils was like, “Hey, Pete! How’s it going?” And Pete said, “Still here, I think.” I confirmed he was, in fact, still here. Then the clerk and Pete said their goodbyes …

… then things got fuckin’ buck wild up in the post office!

The clerk says to me, “God Pete looks good, huh? 90 years old!” I said something about the power of clean living … then a big guy ambled up and growled, “Yeah, he’s a freeloader. He’s been livin’ off the working people his whole life.”

Umm … did my post office clerk get very pissed at this guy? Hmm, lemme check. First she was like, “What are you talking about? Pete Seeger’s not a freeloader.” And this guy started talking about how Pete lives for free and we all pay for it — oh, and then he referred Pete Seeger’s “bunch of pot-smoker friends,” which was when I wanted to say, “HELLO? HOW DO I APPLY FOR THAT POSITION? I WANNA SMOKE A FAT SKULL BONG WITH PETE SEEGER!” but something inside me told me that this guy ranting about Pete Seeger at the post office wasn’t a reliable source of objective information about Pete Seeger.

Anyway, the angry guy left in a huff mumbling about how “Pete Seeger’s always protesting everything,” which actually made me laugh, because truthfully? Pete Seeger does protest a lot of stuff — but still, cut him some slack: the man freakin’ wrote “If I Had A Hammer,” am I right people or what?

THEN my post office clerk was so discombobulated about her argument with the grumpy man, she rang up a money order for $1.25 and added it to my receipt. Then she was like, “Why did I do that? You didn’t ask for a money order. See, [NAME REDACTED] got me so upset, talking about Pete Seeger, I got flustered. How can he say Pete’s a freeloader? Does he know how much volunteering he does for the kids?” etc. etc. Basically she went OFF and in my five years of using this post office, I’d never heard this clerk talk so much. It was goddamn exhilarating!

Now I’m at the wine shop telling you about this amazing story about pencils and Pete Seeger! Does it get any more Beacon than that?

LET’S DO IT BUY THAT WINE.

This is by far the busiest Sunday I’ve ever seen at the wine store! Strawberry Festival people are coming in droves! You don’t even want to know how many bottles of Prosecco I’ve sold … people are feeling that summer strawberry vibe … “the good life” … “get rich or die trying” … 50 Cent, the best rapper … I wish he’d visit; we could open a nice Merlot and get into it …

I love “refrigerator drama moments.” For those of you not in the wine industry, that’s when a customer asks if a particular wine is available chilled … and you have to go the refrigerator and check! And you’re like, “Please let there be a bottle of this thing in the fridge! C’mon, c’mon …” Like what just happened where a customer wanted a Pinot Grigio and asked if it was chilled and I went to the fridge to check … I had to move another bottle out of the way … then I saw the Pinot Grigio and let out a great YELP OF TRIUMPH and made the sale!!!

Hello, Michael Bay, are you listening? Hello?

Just sold a bottle of sangiovese, one of the hottest kinds of wine! And I just made some polenta to eat for lunch. Pairing it with some parsley pesto and maybe some fresh coffee. (I never drink wine on the job; I’m a true professional!)

When they make a movie about me working in the wine shop, I think they should get Michael Bay to direct it. Why? Because it’s BLOWING UP in here.

I just realized why it’s so slow in the store today: There’s this thing called “Strawberry Festival” going on down by the river. You can go eat strawberry shortcake and buy crafts and listen to music and whatnot.

Meanwhile I’m sitting here in my own personal wineberry fiefdom! If you like strawberries, you’ll LOVE wine. It has all the sweetness of fresh fruit but also goes well with nachos. Can you say that about strawberries? Answer: No.

Wine = 1, Strawberries = 0. The End.

It’s been a while since I’ve “held down the wine fort.” I gotta say, there have been some VERY PROMISING developments in wine-world in my absence: New labels, new bottles, new flavors … and new Pandora internet-radio stations!

Oh snap, I recognize this song from my LP collection: Nina Simone, “Seems I’m Never Tired Loving You.” THIS SONG IS ABOUT ME AND WINE!

I might create some custom Pandora stations for the wine-store owners today …