If you like Minute to Win It, ie The Hottest TV Show In America, you should come to our comedy show on Saturday, 9/25 in Beacon NY. Just trust me.

BCRG Presents: Max Silvestri and Allison Silverman!
Hosted by Sam Anderson and David Rees
Hudson Valley Auctioneers
432 Main St.
Beacon, NY
8:00 PM / $5

Please, everyone come to this show. Max Silvestri is hilarious and Allison Silverman used to be the head writer for the Colbert Report. This show is gonna be off the hoof. Yes, that is a horse reference. I just found out that my friend bought a horse. “What a crazy world we live in.”

Sharpening a pencil for one of America’s premiere small business owners:

(Thanks to MH for the picture.)

Love this:

A would-be Koran-burner in Amarillo, Texas was foiled by a 23-year-old Texas skateboarder named Jacob Isom, who was among a group of people protesting a planned burning on Saturday. As Isom described it: “I snuck up behind him and took his Koran, he said something about burning the Koran, I said ‘Dude you have no Koran,’ and ran off.”

Reminds me of this:

“Dude you have no Koran.”

I’m an old-school Superchunk fan. I have the “Cool/Fishing” 7-inch. I also have the “Freed Seed” EP. (I also saw them play “Enter Sandman” at the WXYC Madonnathon, and if anyone knows what I’m talking about, congratulations you’ve just won the “MNFTIU Old-School Award.”)

Anyway, I really like Superchunk so it makes me excited to announce that I WILL BE ARTISANALLY SHARPENING PENCILS AT THE BOWERY BALLROOM SUPERCHUNK SHOW ON SATURDAY, 9/18.

I have no idea what this will be like. Oh wait, actually, I do: IT WILL BE AWESOME.

So if you have tickets to the show, please stop by the merch area (I think that’s where I’ll be) and order a pencil and I’ll sharpen it right then and there!!! While I’m sharpening your pencil we can discuss mid-90s Chapel Hill artisanal indie rock: Scuppernong, Evil Weiner, Zen Frisbee, Vanilla Trainwreck … bring it.

(PS: Thanks to reader JKD for letting me know that the farmers’ market in the video below is the Durham one, not the Carrboro one.)

To avoid a quarrel is a setback for sin, for it is a hot temper that kindles quarrels.
A sinner sows trouble between friends and spreads scandal where before there was peace.
A fire is kept hot by stoking and a quarrel by persistence.
A man’s rage is in proportion to his strength, and his anger in proportion to his wealth.
A hasty argument kindles a fire, and a hasty quarrel leads to bloodshed.

Blow on a spark to make it glow, or spit on it to put it out.
Both results come from the one mouth.

–Ecclesiasticus 28:8-12

8:12 PM Now he’s giving a speech. Somebody is crying in the audience. His speech is about how nice everyone on the show is. Good speech. Sincere. I am completely bored out of my mind. LIVEBLOGGING ENDS NOW.

8:11 PM Here comes “Mad Man” Jon Hamm and “Golden Girl” Betty White to present an award. Betty White is actively breaking my heart with her incessant sexual jokes. They’re presenting an award for “Best Actor on a Comedy.” Goddamn I haven’t seen a single one of these shows, ever. WINNER: Eric Stonespeak(?) from “Modern Family.”

8:10 PM Verdict: I need to watch more television so I understand its reality.

8:08 PM They’re gonna do a comedy retrospective about all the great comedy we saw on our TVs this year. Two fat schlubs accidentally touched their butts together; that got big laughs. Also, pratfalls and silly voices are making an appearance.

8:07 PM Jimmy Fallon is doing the Demetri Martin thing where you tell jokes and strum a guitar.

8:06 PM Now the Emmys are starting. The song is over. My verdict: I love Joe McHale(?), he’s totally cute. I also love the real Bruce Springsteen. Jimmy Fallon is hosting the awards. In case you didn’t know, Fallon got his start at Bananas Comedy Club on Route 9 in Poughkeepsie at the Best Western hotel, which I have been to.

8:02:30 PM Already bored at the Emmys!!! Time for my first break … see you when the awards actually start.

8:02 PM Okay, Betty White. Maybe it’s time to act dignified.

8:01 PM Okay, this is some kind of pre-taped comedy video short. I can’t liveblog this because I don’t know who all these people are.

8:00 PM The American Academy of Television Awards begins now!

Okay, tomorrow night I will liveblog the American Television Awards, aka the Emmys. I will start whenever the show starts — unless I get inspired and decide to liveblog the red carpet entrances. (You know I love my favorite brands!!!)

9:00 PM That’s it, I’m off to my friend’s house to work on a secret project! (Aka remote-controlled papier mache Guy Fieri that commits a murder so the real G.F. is sent to jail and I take over hosting all his shows.) BYE

8:59 PM I would give that episode of MTWI a B-. Something tells me I will have completely forgotten everything about it in 50 years.

8:58 PM They’re gonna take the money and go home. They are risk-averse. Will anyone ever win a million dollars on this goddamn show? Anyway, good for the twins. They won a lot of money.

8:56 PM Dude, slow your roll! Your rolling the tennis balls too hard! Only needs one more bucket … OH SNAP he did it! $125,000 in the BANK!!! I’m actually kinda pumped right now. That was exciting. MASSIVE FIST BUMP JUST NOW. He’s even hugging Guy Fieri!!! The crowd is hysterical! Hell, even I’m hysterical– you should see me jumping around in my undies right now, pouring tequila all over my head and shaking it like a sexy fox.

8:55 PM They should make a new show for TV: A one hour animated show based on Little House on the Prairie. Just an idea. Waitaminute, waitaminute, next week there’s like 3 days of MTWI in a row, all featuring pretty womyn in bikinis. WTF? I read Gynecology by Mary Daly once. It was wild.

8:54 PM God, these new Lowe’s commercials are riveting. They are kicking Home Depot’s ass right about now.

8:53 PM When will they make a movie starring the Energizer Bunny? That’s not beyond the realm of possibility in today’s crazy world.

8:51 PM Just got a google alert for “artisanal pencil sharpening” from something called “Design Mom blog.” I will definitely be checking that out when MTWI is over …

8:50 PM I’m looking at a bucket of balls. The guy has to roll tennis balls over the broomstick and make them land in some baskets. Is this happening? Is this reality? Is this America? (Who can tell anymore, right?) I would make some jokes here about the “Ground Zero Mosque,” but I’m too exhausted/disgusted with all that. Suffice it to say I hope they build a 200-story-tall mosque and spend all day spitting on Republicans from a great height. GO MUSLIMS!!!

8:49 PM Guy Fieri just checked out her engagement ring and said, “I hope that’s a blood diamond. Blood diamonds turn me on.” (JOKE)

8:46 PM I’m so inside Guy Fieri’s head it’s not even funny. Okay this next challenge is for $125,000. I’m rooting for the twins. This challenge is brand-new; nobody’s ever played it before (I think). Time for the twins to articulate their reasons vis a vis who will take up the mantle. Whoa, whoa, what’s going on? This twin is bringing some love for his twin right now! “You make me feel like the luckiest guy on Earth.” Oh snap, here we go: I called it– Live marriage proposal on Minute To Win It! Giving her the ring!!! Minute to Win It marriage proposal!!! She said YES!!! He gave her the ring!!! MTWI FTW!!! “Dreams come true!”– Guy Fieri (but seriously, though, was her dream to get proposed to on the set of Minute to Win It? Hmm…). But we gotta give respect to the twin who just proposed to his girlfriend– OR SHOULD I SAY FIANCEE?

8:45 PM Take the money and go home, or continue on to more and more difficult challenges? The answer: They will continue on their quest for one million USA American dollars. And so the dance goes on … I think Guy Fieri loves these twins, they bring a masculine enthusiasm that resonates with him.

8:44 PM This guy brought his game face. I’m LOLing at how intense he is. He did it! Holy smokes, there’s about to be a riot in the studio! That was craaaazy! Guy: “We’re gonna need security.” Now he’s doing the “I’m punching my own chest because I am a man and I am happy” move. But you know what? They just won $75,000 so who am I to judge? If I won $75,000 I’d probably eat my own face (and hair) because I’d be so excited.

8:43 PM I can’t believe I just saw that on my tv.

8:42 PM PC Richards & Sons, how dare you???

8:41 PM This blueberry commercial is offensive on ten different levels.

8:40 PM This Toyota commercials beggars belief. (Now I’m just typing stuff so people who aren’t watching the show will wonder WTF is happening.)

8:37 PM Slack-jawed twin alert. That guy was totally slack-jawed, listening to Guy Fieri explaining their options. Now alpha-twin must succeed where his brother failed … but first, these words.

8:33 PM Whoa, nice CGI leopard! That surprised me. This challenge is called– actually, I missed what it’s called. Now one twin is displaying his preferred technique for this challenge to his twin. And the other twin is like, “Maybe I’ll use that technique, or maybe I’ll use my own technique, you’re not the boss of me, Mom always liked you best!” (That’s from my new play: Tennessee Wiliams’s Minute to Win It, aka Psychodrama From the Edge of Yesterday, aka A Streetcar Named Incest.)

8:31 PM Time to bounce some pencils. Hmm … red pencils. Not the iconic yellow #2 I love so much. Damn, though, he’s in the groove. He only needs two more pencils in the glass! But he only has 20 seconds left! He’s gotta do it for his girlfriend because he just talked about how much he loved her! HE DID IT! “Love conquers all.” –Wm. Shakespeare. Damn those twins just hugged the shit out of each other. The girlfriend is about to have a nervous breakdown, she’s so relieved. (Did anyone read that book “Last Night at the Lobster?” I’ve been thinking about reading it for about two years and now I think I should just track down a copy and read it.)

8:30 PM What in the world is happening? I feel like Guy Fieri is about to cry.