Minute To Win It Liveblogging, Part II

9:00 PM That’s it, I’m off to my friend’s house to work on a secret project! (Aka remote-controlled papier mache Guy Fieri that commits a murder so the real G.F. is sent to jail and I take over hosting all his shows.) BYE

8:59 PM I would give that episode of MTWI a B-. Something tells me I will have completely forgotten everything about it in 50 years.

8:58 PM They’re gonna take the money and go home. They are risk-averse. Will anyone ever win a million dollars on this goddamn show? Anyway, good for the twins. They won a lot of money.

8:56 PM Dude, slow your roll! Your rolling the tennis balls too hard! Only needs one more bucket … OH SNAP he did it! $125,000 in the BANK!!! I’m actually kinda pumped right now. That was exciting. MASSIVE FIST BUMP JUST NOW. He’s even hugging Guy Fieri!!! The crowd is hysterical! Hell, even I’m hysterical– you should see me jumping around in my undies right now, pouring tequila all over my head and shaking it like a sexy fox.

8:55 PM They should make a new show for TV: A one hour animated show based on Little House on the Prairie. Just an idea. Waitaminute, waitaminute, next week there’s like 3 days of MTWI in a row, all featuring pretty womyn in bikinis. WTF? I read Gynecology by Mary Daly once. It was wild.

8:54 PM God, these new Lowe’s commercials are riveting. They are kicking Home Depot’s ass right about now.

8:53 PM When will they make a movie starring the Energizer Bunny? That’s not beyond the realm of possibility in today’s crazy world.

8:51 PM Just got a google alert for “artisanal pencil sharpening” from something called “Design Mom blog.” I will definitely be checking that out when MTWI is over …

8:50 PM I’m looking at a bucket of balls. The guy has to roll tennis balls over the broomstick and make them land in some baskets. Is this happening? Is this reality? Is this America? (Who can tell anymore, right?) I would make some jokes here about the “Ground Zero Mosque,” but I’m too exhausted/disgusted with all that. Suffice it to say I hope they build a 200-story-tall mosque and spend all day spitting on Republicans from a great height. GO MUSLIMS!!!

8:49 PM Guy Fieri just checked out her engagement ring and said, “I hope that’s a blood diamond. Blood diamonds turn me on.” (JOKE)

8:46 PM I’m so inside Guy Fieri’s head it’s not even funny. Okay this next challenge is for $125,000. I’m rooting for the twins. This challenge is brand-new; nobody’s ever played it before (I think). Time for the twins to articulate their reasons vis a vis who will take up the mantle. Whoa, whoa, what’s going on? This twin is bringing some love for his twin right now! “You make me feel like the luckiest guy on Earth.” Oh snap, here we go: I called it– Live marriage proposal on Minute To Win It! Giving her the ring!!! Minute to Win It marriage proposal!!! She said YES!!! He gave her the ring!!! MTWI FTW!!! “Dreams come true!”– Guy Fieri (but seriously, though, was her dream to get proposed to on the set of Minute to Win It? Hmm…). But we gotta give respect to the twin who just proposed to his girlfriend– OR SHOULD I SAY FIANCEE?

8:45 PM Take the money and go home, or continue on to more and more difficult challenges? The answer: They will continue on their quest for one million USA American dollars. And so the dance goes on … I think Guy Fieri loves these twins, they bring a masculine enthusiasm that resonates with him.

8:44 PM This guy brought his game face. I’m LOLing at how intense he is. He did it! Holy smokes, there’s about to be a riot in the studio! That was craaaazy! Guy: “We’re gonna need security.” Now he’s doing the “I’m punching my own chest because I am a man and I am happy” move. But you know what? They just won $75,000 so who am I to judge? If I won $75,000 I’d probably eat my own face (and hair) because I’d be so excited.

8:43 PM I can’t believe I just saw that on my tv.

8:42 PM PC Richards & Sons, how dare you???

8:41 PM This blueberry commercial is offensive on ten different levels.

8:40 PM This Toyota commercials beggars belief. (Now I’m just typing stuff so people who aren’t watching the show will wonder WTF is happening.)

8:37 PM Slack-jawed twin alert. That guy was totally slack-jawed, listening to Guy Fieri explaining their options. Now alpha-twin must succeed where his brother failed … but first, these words.

8:33 PM Whoa, nice CGI leopard! That surprised me. This challenge is called– actually, I missed what it’s called. Now one twin is displaying his preferred technique for this challenge to his twin. And the other twin is like, “Maybe I’ll use that technique, or maybe I’ll use my own technique, you’re not the boss of me, Mom always liked you best!” (That’s from my new play: Tennessee Wiliams’s Minute to Win It, aka Psychodrama From the Edge of Yesterday, aka A Streetcar Named Incest.)

8:31 PM Time to bounce some pencils. Hmm … red pencils. Not the iconic yellow #2 I love so much. Damn, though, he’s in the groove. He only needs two more pencils in the glass! But he only has 20 seconds left! He’s gotta do it for his girlfriend because he just talked about how much he loved her! HE DID IT! “Love conquers all.” –Wm. Shakespeare. Damn those twins just hugged the shit out of each other. The girlfriend is about to have a nervous breakdown, she’s so relieved. (Did anyone read that book “Last Night at the Lobster?” I’ve been thinking about reading it for about two years and now I think I should just track down a copy and read it.)

8:30 PM What in the world is happening? I feel like Guy Fieri is about to cry.