FFO: WEEK 2

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – WINNER!!!

WE HAVE OUR WINNER!!!

As much as I love “The Suffering,” I’ve never really understood what the guy was singing. The only lyrics I could ever make out were like, “And now to drink this vial I dare,” and “Burn in hell you sinner,” so I assumed he was singing about making out with a witch or something. Little did I know what he was really singing . . .

I’m not a military analyst, but I would guess 0:41 – 0:54 is basically invincible.

When Spiderman comes up, I’m like, “Am I really allowed to be on the same internet as this?”

I love this version, because it features the original recording of the song, which — let’s face it — is so bad-ass and tight and rockin’, no cover can really top it. A BOLD STRATEGY FOR WINNING FRIDAY FACE-OFFS, BUT IT WORKED.

Friday Face-Offs!!! YOU’RE NOT CANOEING!!!

Have a great weekend . . . I’m off to Pennsylvania to knock on some doors . . . hope you are too.

PEACE!

PS: FRIDAY FACE-OFFS IS CRUSHING HARDER THAN EVER!!!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 2nd Place

Few things on the internet get me more hyped and excited than this video. What “Eat, Pray, Love” is for unhappy women, this video is for me. This video keeps me going. I love this video.

Let’s review some of the factors in this video that make me love it and watch it more than twenty times:

1. The clankety-ass keys, because he’s pounding the “ess” out of them. STRAIGHT CLANKIN’.

2. The visual composition of the shot is actually kind of cool and hypnotic, and if you watch it with your eyes blurred, eventually it starts to seem like the arms are coming out of the piano.

3. The first time I watched this video, I noticed the chin bobbing in and out of the upper right-hand corner of the frame. I started to get really excited, like, “I hope we get to see this guy’s face, and when we do, I hope he is grimacing like a motherfucker.” And then guess what I saw? I saw 0:43 – 0:50. A moment of pure, total unstoppability.

4. Also, I saw 1:59 – 2:01.

TO ALL MY GROWN-UP READERS: Sweet Jesus, don’t you remember what those moments felt like? When you were surging on a hot jam in the prime of your youth? When you were loving some pop song so much that you wanted to pound right through your keyboard or smash your guitar over your own head, or at least not study for algebra so goddamn much? Just rock out in your rec room, or basement, or whatever? (By the way: Pinball machine in background?!?)

THIS VIDEO IS PURE CHAMPIONSHIP MATERIAL.

Friday Face-Offs! THE WINNER IS NEXT!!!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 3rd Place

Hi there! Anybody feel like rocking?

I like to watch this video and think about how quiet it must have been in the room . . . LOL, anybody mind if I drop a pin, or would that be too noisy and distracting? LOL, is that a butterfly passing gas under a blanket that I hear so clearly in this silent environment? LOL, it’s pretty quiet in here, anybody mind if I whistle quietly to myself, just so there’s some sort of noise or sound perceptible in this enclosure?

Also, 2:07? Who are the dudes on the floor? Bodyguards? Or maybe Quietness-Assurance Testers from the National Quiet Institute?

Because it’s pretty quiet in that room.

BONUS: I wish I knew musical terminology so I could describe how these kids seem to have changed up the chorus. I think the bass is playing a different note in the first couple bars(?). And the guitar chords seem jazzier? I can’t really explain it, and I’m not sure if it’s deliberate, but it sounds great.

EXTRA BONUS: The bassist is looking like a TOTAL ROCK GOD. Are you kidding me? That kid is STRAIGHT DOMINATING. Check out 0:21, is he looking like he’s laying down a very heavy groove?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! ONLY TWO MORE VIDEOS TO GO!!!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 4th Place

EVERYBODY STEP THE FUCK OFF.

This kid wrote an arrangement of “The Suffering” for marching band, but his school is too small to pull it off, so he freakin’ programmed it into MIDI.

I would say the first, oh, ten seconds of this video could be looped and then bumped in a bangin’ system to great effect while you roll down the street. YOU COULD ROB A BANK TO THIS SHIT.

The part where it goes, “Toot-tweeet!” is fuckin’ off the hook.

No joke, this is the first time a MIDI file gave me goosebumps.

FANTASY TIME: What if we could get the bands from last week’s runner-up video to perform this arrangement in full battle mode? Forget about some dumb-ass bank bailout, I’d pay a trillion dollars to see that.

I swear to God this song could knock 99% of all other songs the fuck out. If I was some other song, trying to be all tough, I would not want to meet this song in a dark alley. Because it would roll right over me.

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! MIDI GOOSEBUMPS, KID!!!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 5th Place

Remember that Martin Scorcese movie that came out a couple years ago called “The Departed?” Remember the best scene: When Leonardo diCaprio’s character recorded a version of “The Suffering” on his webcam?

He does a great job with the “Heys!” They make me excited in the original song, but they make me more excited when this young fellow does ‘em. Why? BECAUSE HE FREAKIN’ GOES THERE.

This is the kind of dude who constantly surprises and impresses you, like: “Yeah I made first team all-American, but I skipped the game because there was a Dererk Jarman film festival the same weekend and I didn’t want to miss it.”

Friday Face-Offs!!! MARTIN SCORCESE WISHES HE INVENTED FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 6th Place

AN OPEN MESSAGE TO ALL THE HATERS ON YOUTUBE WHO ARE HATING ON THIS VIDEO:

FIRST OF ALL, THE SONG IS ACTUALLY KIND OF COMPLICATED AND TRICKY TO PLAY. They should get credit for trying.

SECOND, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW STEVE BALLMER COULD PLAY THE DRUMS. SO STEP OFF.

Could you imagine trying to play this song at some sort of work function in a cavernous conference room in the middle of the day? These guys are probably following a PowerPoint presentation about the new invoicing software. The official video of “The Suffering” features centaurs and mermaids and all that mythical-creature shit, and you’re gonna bring the ruckus with your crew from Systems Administration? GOOD ON YOU. YOU HAVE MY RESPECT.

When I watch this video, I like trying to figure out which one of the musicians chose “The Suffering” for this lunch-break gig. Who’s most into the song? Bass player? (2:25 makes me think it’s him.) Lead guitarist? DRUMMER????

Also, what do you suppose is in the box in the foreground (2:00-ish)? Maybe the new training manuals for the new invoicing software?

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 7th Place

What a hectic week . . . maybe we should just hang out in the attic with our Roland keyboard and lay down some smooth tracks . . . maybe record a chill version of “The Suffering. . .”

I just pray that at some point in the near future, I’m in a hotel lobby somewhere (maybe on a book tour for my hot new collection of GYWO cartoons which is going to be published soon), enjoying a grown-up beverage, and then I notice the cocktail pianist is playing “The Suffering.”

Seriously, can I ask a question? SERIOUSLY: What if I was hanging out in a fancy hotel lobby and then I realized the cocktail pianist was playing “The Suffering” by Coheed and Cambria? Would I get very excited? Would I start screaming “Friday Face-Offs” very hard? Would I start singing back-up very hard? Would I sing the “Hey! Hey!” chorus with very much RELISH and JOY?

“The Suffering” by Coheed and Cambria is my JAM.

Friday Face-Offs: The Suffering – 8th Place

Before I started my research for Friday Face-Offs, I had never heard of “Drum Covers.”

I love the internet!!!!!!!!!!!

From the youtube comments:

haha
dude soooo many cymbals.
awesome

BEST HAIKU EVER!!!

Friday Face-Offs!!! Soooo many cymbals!!!

Honorable Mention:

BONUS Honorable Mention:

By the way, if you want to hear something incredible, play all three videos simultaneously. LOL, what a racket! You lousy kids!

Friday Face-Offs!!!

What a week, ladies and gentlemen! Didn’t we have fun, with the banks and the bailouts and whatnot?

And now it’s Friday . . . time to unwind . . . and enjoy:

Friday Face-Offs.

Welcome to the second installment of an internet legend!

This week’s FRIDAY FACE-OFF is: “The Suffering” by Coheed and Cambria. Watch the original version here:

When I first saw this video on “Headbangers Ball,” I was like, “Ho-hum, kind of catchy, nothing special.” Then something happened. Something called 0:39. Then you could say my interest spiked. Then you could say this became my favorite jam of the year. Then you could say it was literally the first song I ever bought on the Apple Music Store. Then you could say I listened to it about fifty times in a row every day.

Also, can I just say? 0:47 – 0:49? When he sings, “The web you spun,” does he pronounce “spun” very tough? “Spahn.” That must be how they pronounced it in mythical times.

LET’S ALL GET OBSESSED WITH “THE SUFFERING” BY COHEED AND CAMBRIA!!!

Check back later this morning for our first contestant. . .

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! WE DON’T TAKE TIME-OUTS!!!