Best Of 2012


WHO SAYS MODERN TIMES CAN’T PRODUCE INSTANT CLASSICS? We hear it all the time: “The age of classics is behind us — we’re stuck with a bunch of modern garbage.” But who says instant classics have to be in the past? If it’s an instant classic, that means it’s instantly a classic, which means it can be made right this instant.

And 2012 was no different — there were so many immortal works produced this year, sometimes it felt like we were living in the Hall of Fame!

You just have to open your eyes (and ears) and look around you to realize how lucky we are! Never let it be said that we don’t live in an era defined by 2012’s wealth of instant classics. Here are the TOP TEN INSTANT CLASSICS OF 2012:

10. That moment when the man you love finally called you back on his 2012-phone

9. The song you fell in love with instantly in the summer of 2012

8. All those magazine articles that changed the way you see the world and made 2012 worthwhile

7. When you heard about the sequel they’re making to your favorite “classic” movie in 2012

6. (TIE) Classical music / Classic car designs of 2012 that will stand the test of time

5. That night you’ll always remember in 2012 when you realized, “This is an instant classic night.”

4. When Tom and Pam got married on the Office and you saw it on 2012 reruns.

3. Gangum Style

2. The hottest instant classics you’ll love for all time

1. “It’s an instant classic!!!” (Bangs fist on table)


WHETHER YOU READ THEM BACKWARDS OR FORWARDS, PALINDROMES ARE ALWAYS A LOT OF “FUNNUF.” A palindrome is a a word that looks the same but whose meaning changes when you read it left-to-right, or right-to-left — and 2012 was a great year for palindromes! (Is it any wonder, since “2012” itself is a palindrome?)

You can think of palindromes are the original “internet memes,” since the power of “Madam I’m Adam” lies in its repeatability and its just plain ol’ funniness. (Imagine being Adam and introducing yourself in this way!) No sooner does a news event break on the TV, than Americans are working hard on palindromes to commemorate, make fun of, or just plain reverse-forwards-and-backwards the news event they just saw on TV like how I just mentioned.

Another thing I want to mention is HERE ARE THE BEST PALINDROMES OF 2012!

And so, without further “a-do-da” (PALINDROME) here are the best palindromes:


10. “Obama, mama I’m mad-O!”

9. “Boehner’s taxes ax a hen’s orb”


7. “2012’s sis is 2102”

6. “Olympics legend dealt gel to pics o’ Mylo”

5. “Lady Gaga is googoo for Coco Puffs, a gag ydal”

4. “Mars Rover drove to rams over Ma’s oven”

3. “POOP”

2. “Kim Kardashian annihilates darkish milk”

1. “Joe Biden is just bidin’ his time”


WHETHER IT WAS MATH PUZZLES, LOGIC PUZZLES, OR WORD SCRAMBLES, 2012 WAS TRULY THE YEAR OF THE “NABIR STASEER.”* Sometimes it felt like you couldn’t open a newspaper, read a magazine, or go out for a drink with friends without encountering a spectacular brain teaser that challenged your intellect and brought a smile to your face — and a spring in your step from being so close to such a great brain teaser.

(*BRAIN TEASER — the letters have been scrambled)

Nobody knows why there were so many brain teasers this year: Is it due to computers? Apps on your phone? Or just the need of a nation to come together and enjoy some quality brain teasers? Whatever the reason, let’s all agree on one thing: 1.) 2012 was a great year for brain teasers.

And now, the moment you assholes have been waiting for — THE TOP TEN BRAIN TEASERS OF 2012:

10. Number puzzles

9. Mazes

8. Word scrambles

7. Quotation codes

6. Crossword puzzles

5. (TIE) Computer chess / Words

4. Gender ambiguity

3. “You stumped me, my friend”

2. Tricky brain teasers

1. Brain teasers unlike anything seen before

Best Of 2012: COMEDY

WHETHER IT’S THE HOTTEST NEW SHOWS ON CABLE, OR THE LATEST JOKES TOLD FROM A “ONE-OF-A-KIND” PERSPECTIVE, 2012 was the year comedy finally grew up. This was the year jokes told us about ourselves, holding a mirror up to society so we could laugh at all the pain — and all the just plain funny stuff — in our lives.

A wise man once said, “The comedian is the truth-teller of society,” and this year we were lucky to hear more truths — both easy and hard truths — than perhaps ever before in history. As we laughed together, cried together, and prayed together, comedians held us close to their hearts and helped us do the bravest thing possible: To simply laugh together.

Here’s my unique take on THE BEST OF COMEDY IN 2012:

10. Comedy tweets

9. Comedy podcasts

8. Comedy books

7. Comedy TV shows

6. Comedy movies

5. Comedy web sites

4. Comedy news

3. Comedians in the news

2. Comedians on tour

1. Some of the best comedy

Best Of 2012: PUBLISHING

FOR YEARS, THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY HAS KEPT OUR ECONOMY AFLOAT: From the biggest advances which stimulate the free market, to the revolutionary ideas (“Tipping Point,” “Omnivore Dilemmas”) that stimulate our creative juices to get them flowing so we can create more jobs, the unsung hero of the American Recovery is good ol’ books and the people who make them.


To borrow from Mark Twain, “The reports of the publishing industry’s death have been exaggerated,” and 2012 was no different. From celebrity memoirs, to the finest literary fiction, to gigantic comic books that weigh 500 pounds and come in all different individual boxes like a goddamn MENSA torture chamber all so you can read about a lady with a plastic leg, 2012 was the year publishing showed us the full spectrum of human ingenuity — and made a ton of money doing it!

So, like the gentleman above, let’s raise a glass at the Alquongen Roundtable to the publishing industry and celebrate THE TOP TEN PUBLISHING INDUSTRY OF 2012:

10. Paperback novels

9. Hardback cookbooks

8. E*book cookbooks

7. (TIE) Magazine exclusives / Blurbs from writers

6. The biggest royalty checks

5. Writers on Charlie Rose

4. Sports memoirs with drug abuse

3. Wealth management books

2. Business books

1. Books that will stand the test of time

Best Of 2012: TWITTER

IS THERE ANY DOUBT THAT 2012 WAS THE YEAR TWITTER CAME INTO ITS OWN? Everyone has a story about their favorite tweet this year: The 142-character burst of inspiration that made them laugh, or cry, or just simply rock their foundational assumptions to their very core and see the world in an entirely new way. From politicians, to actors and actresses, to the guy down the block: Everyone had something to say this year, and they said it on Twitter.

It was this simple web app, Twitter, that finally put the “face” in “facial media,” and it’s high time they* did. But don’t take my word for it — you can read all about it: Extra! Extra! … on twitter!

(*The people who invented Twitter)

These year-end lists must change with the times we live in, and since we live in the Age of Twitter, here — for the first time ever — are the TOP TEN TWEETS OF 2012!

10. Holiday tweets

9. Political tweets

8. (TIE) Sports-related tweets / RTs

7. Celebrity tweets

6. Pretty funny tweets

5. Really funny tweets

4. Heartfelt tweets

3. “Tweets that make ya go Hmm-mm?”

2. The best-loved tweets

1. The greatest tweets

(If you’d like to share this list on twitter, please use #hashtag “BestTweetsOf2012” with the appropriate URL: — and don’t forget to follow me on twitter.)

Best Of 2012: QUOTES

THANKS TO ALL THE THINGS CELEBRITIES AND POLITICIANS SAID IN 2012, the year will probably forever be known as “the Year of the Quote.” Whether the quotes were funny, sad, or crushingly stupid, they reflected the realities of life in 2012. Sometimes it felt like for any given situation, somebody famous would say a quote about it and make our lives better — or worse.

That’s the power of quotes, and why it’s time to reflect upon the TOP TEN QUOTES OF 2012.

And so here are the TOP TEN QUOTES OF 2012:

10. “Nothing is impossible — the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” — Audrey Hepburn

9. “Won’t get fooled again.” — Mitt Romney

8. “A new pathway.” — Paul Ryan

7. “What a life. What a crazy, crazy life.” — CNN

6. “It was unlike anything I’d ever seen.” — Passersby

5. “Post this on your wall.” — Anonymous, via Facebook

4. “Didja check out my Spotify playlist?” — Teenagers

3. “When God was handing out noses, he handed me a big fat nose.” — Ronald McDonald

2. “We heard a loud noise and looked around, and then we were like ‘What in th–?'” — Bystanders

1. “It’s 4:20. Do you know where your ganja is?” — Hillary Clinton at the NORML Day of Action Conference

Best Of 2012: VIDEO GAMES

“VIDEO GAMES … THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR CHILDREN ANYMORE.” If you thought video games died with Pong, you couldn’t be more incorrect — in fact, the video game industry now makes more money than the Hollywood industry, with stories and graphics that rival the big movie studios. And thanks to 2012, Americans played more video games than ever before — even games where you wave a controller and the little guy on your TV waves his controller right back at you! Miracles can still happen, thanks to video games.

From first-person shooters to light-hearted sports, 2012 will always be remembered as the year videos games finally grew up. Let’s face facts: Video games are an art form, and 2012 was the Louvre (French museum) of video games.

Here are the TOP TEN VIDEO GAMES OF 2012:

10. Video games with cool graphics

9. Video games with funny dialogue

8. Video games with cool music

7. The coolest video games

6. (TIE) Fake tennis / Drive a spaceship

5. Video games where nothing happens except maybe you build a town with blocks(?) and then look at it with your fake eyes inside the video game like a goddamn idiot, America when did we lose our way

4. Video-game reviews

3. Video game tournaments where you can win real money

2. Articles about video games inside video games

1. Call of War: 1872 Revenge Ops II

And that’s all there is to say about VIDEO GAMES.

Best Of 2012: FOOD

IN THE END, 2012 WAS THE YEAR AMERICANS GOT SERIOUS ABOUT FOOD. From “healthy eating” to “farm-to-table,” everyday people finally woke up to a simple fact: Food makes the world get fat go round. If you want a better life, start with what’s on your plate — and is it any wonder that Americans probably spent more money on restaurants in 2012 than in the last 20 years combined? Of course not: That’s the power of food.

From the hottest menus to the man who wants us to make friends with pigs before we eat them, 2012 was the year food went viral. Here, then, ARE THE TOP TEN FOOD STORIES OF 2012:

10. Restaurant reviews

9. Food trends

8. The most amazing articles about food

7. Fundamental “food-truths”

6. The future of picnics

5. Food on TV

4. Cookbooks

3. Celebrity chefs

2. Carbo-loading

1. Nutrition

Best Of 2012: FADS

“HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST FAD? IT’S REALLY QUITE SOMETHING.” And so begins another conversation sure to delight, amuse and inspire. Fads make life more interesting — they add “spice” to the banality of existence without God’s grace. Is it any wonder Americans have gone “fad-crazy” in the past few years?

And 2012 was no different. It was a year DEFINED by its fads. From temporary fads to more permanent fads, 2012 can truly be called “The Year of the Fad.” Let’s talk about the TOP TEN FADS OF 2012:

And so here are the TOP TEN FADS OF 2012:

10. Funny fads

9. Silly fads

8. “Fads that make you go hm-mmm?”

7. Internet fads

6. Passing fancies

5. Mail-order fads

4. Trashy fads

3. “I don’t believe it”

2. Classic fads

1. Non-stop fads