Best of 2011

Olympics Liveblogging, Part I

8:28 PM: Demus just smoked the rest for breakfast! “You put in the work early, you can relax late.” -NBC analyst. She moves on to the next heat.

8:27 PM: And they’re off

8:25 PM: Now we’re watching Lashinda Demus about to compete in the 400M hurdles. The same race we just watched?! Umm, who’s in charge here? Okay, my friend just explained there are multiple heats for each race before the main race. BANG

8:24 PM: Wow, BIG Olympic flame this year! One of the biggest I’ve ever seen. Respect to whatever city is hosting this year’s Olys.

8:22 PM: Now we’re having a contest to see who can do the best Roy Williams impression. (UNC basketball coach.)

8:19 PM: BANG BANG!!! Again: BANG! The race begins … 10 hurdles must be jumped over … somebody FALLS on the first hurdle! A Kenyan FALLS also! Winner is Henova, from the nation of CZE, followed by Brown of USA.

8:18 PM: This is event is the 400M hurdles — NOT a dash as previously reported — it’s hurdles. “God never put a hurdle in my path I couldn’t jump over” –bumpersticker I just invented. BANG and they’re off…

8:17 PM: How do you feel about track and field? It’s one of the hottest sports, and we’re definitely about to see some of it, courtesy of the Olys. Here’s T’erea Brown, about to compete in her first Olys. She’s running a dash!

8:15 PM: Now we’re watching a commercial about baseball games.

8:09 PM: Enough about this guy with the special legs. I wanna see some live sports! This might be the only night I can see the Olys. Bring on the live feed from London!

8:07 PM: Can’t believe I’m actually watching the Olys! I’ve been hearing about them for more than a week and now I’m finally getting to see them for myself. This woman interviewer has got mad crazy teeth; she seems cool.

8:06 PM: My dad is looking up the correct spelling of Verrazano (?) Bridge in his Encyclopedia Britannica. Now we’re watching a report about Oscar Pastorious (?). He’s drinking a weird green milkshake with plants in it.

8:05 PM: We’re all talking about stuff while commercials play on TV. “Olympics memories are made of this.”

8:02 PM: Wu Minxia wins a gold medal! In high-dive jumping! (I’m watching the Olys at my parents’ house; they have a high-def TV!)

8:01 PM: Ladies and gentlemen: It’s the Olymics! And only has all your liveblog needs! We’re watching ladies’ diving, which only happens once every 4 years!


Here it is: The list you’ve been waiting for; the list that defines an era. The “List of Lists;” the list that makes you giddy; the only list you need. The BEST list.

It’s time to reveal my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

You see, 2011 was an amazing year for cars and trucks. If you needed to get from Point A to Point B, and the two points were connected by a road, there was basically one option: Hop in a car or truck and drive from Point A to Point B. Then get out of the car or truck, and pat it on the hood and say, “Thanks buddy.”

Here is my list of the TOP TEN CARS AND TRUCKS OF 2011.

10. Blue cars

9. Dumptrucks

8. Big strong trucks

7. That car

6. Police cars

5. That one truck that looks like that other truck

4. Your friend’s car

3. (tie) Convertibles/Tractor-trailers

2. Amazing trucks

1. My car

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT WAS THE LAST LIST OF 2011. Thanks for reading my lists, and have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve. I will look forward to interacting with you in 2012.
Best regards,

Best Of 2011: FOOD!

Here it is, guys: THE BIG ONE.

The best food/meals of 2011, all in one amazing video!

Best Of 2011: THEATRE

What a year for theatre! 2011 boasted Broadway musicals, off-Broadway plays, and off-off-Broadway art-disasters … and that was just in New York City! Surely we live in the midst of a golden age of theatre, but on the other hand some people don’t even go to the theatre, so America when did we lose our way?

One thing is certain: When this nation is ready to find its way again, it will turn to its oldest friend, its noblest ally, and its greatest inspiration: THE THEATRE.

So let’s put on our costumes, dim the lights, and take the stage! And now, it’s time for 2011 to take a bow. Break a leg, 2012! Here is the BEST OF THEATRE IN 2011:

10. Movie theatres


8. Community theatre

7. Summer stock

6. Auditoriums

5. Theatre in the round

4. Black box theatres

3. Stadium seating

2. Modern theatres

1. Incredible theatre!


If there’s one thing we love more than umbrellas, it’s UMBRELLA MISHAPS. There’s just something about watching a man walk down a rainy sidewalk with his big black umbrella, and then a gust of wind blows the umbrella inside-out, and the man thrashes his umbrella and yells, “You no-good piece of shit umbrella!” It doesn’t get any better than that, as far as I’m concerned.

2011 was a great year for umbrella mishaps: From celebrities fighting with pink umbrellas, to government officials knocking over top-secret documents with their umbrellas, this was a year defined by man’s vexing relationship to his favorite rainy-time accoutrement. Sometimes it felt like all we did was laugh and shake our heads at umbrellas acting up. Defy this analysis at your peril.

Here’s my list of the TOP TEN UMBRELLA MISHAPS OF 2011:

10. “The big rainstorm is coming and I can’t find my umbrella!”

9. “My umbrella just broke when you stepped on it!”

8. Wet umbrella dripping on newspaper; newspaper is now damp

7. Shaking off umbrella and spraying water on lover’s plate of spaghetti; lover throws umbrella out the window in a rage

6. Umbrella fails to open properly; user experience is compromised by exposure to rainwater along the transverse (Diagnosis: n/u4002)

5. Woman caught in thunderstorm; wind yanks umbrella out of her hand

4. “This umbrella isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

3. Attending funeral in the rain; only umbrella available is neon-pink promotional umbrella for BRATZ dolls; mourners are offended; fight breaks out; somebody accidentally falls into open grave

2. Umbrella pokes somebody’s eye out

1. Flimsy umbrellla


Now that the kids are in bed and the only people online are sophisticated grown-ups with discriminating tastes, I can unveil my latest innovation in lists: LATE-NIGHT LISTS.

Looking to add a little spice to your list-life? Look no further: These erotic, sexually charged lists are for lovers only — they are definitely not “your grandmother’s lists.”

Please note: These lists are frisky, funny, and FOR ADULTS. If you are under the age of 18, please close this browser window NOW.

Without any further ado in see-through lingerie, here are my LATE-NIGHT LISTS (Must credit, the filthiest site in the whole world)


10. Sexual innuendos

9. Filthy innuendos

8. Double entendres

7. Adult language

6. Foreign words

5. Porno fonts

4. Late-night lists

3. Bikinis where you just look at them and say, “Girl that’s not right”

2. Dirty puns

1. “That’s not what your mom said whilst I made coitus with her”

The ancient art of “making whoopie” is as old as humanity itself. As much as we hate to admit it, none of us would be here if two people hadn’t decided to have sex for nine hours straight on satin sheets while drinking the finest champagne. Is it any wonder, then, that every year brings new innovations to the “Oldest Hobby Of All Time?”


10. P.D.A. (“public displays of affection”)

9. P.D.E.L.W.M.H. (“public displays of erotic love with multiple hams”)

8. Menage-a-tron (three people in Tron costumes make love while racing glow-in-the-dark motorcycles)

7. “French-kissing Extreme” (French-kissing while eating an entire baguette; a.k.a. “Crumb-smunching”)

6. Kissing in a hot tub during a nuclear bomb explosion

5. Flirty license plates on electric cars

4. Sweatpants with dirty words on the butt

3. Dirty knock-knock jokes

2. Dirty words

1. The most dirty things you can imagine

From newspaper headlines to internet headlines, it seemed like every day of 2011 brought us a new sexual story — each more shocking than the last, until we threw up our hands and asked, “America when did we lose our way?”

Here is my list of the MOST SHOCKING SEXUAL STORIES OF 2011:

10. Political sexual stories

9. Erotic sexual stories

8. International sexual stories

7. Domestic sexual stories

6. Confusing sexual stories

5. Transportation scandals

4. Underwear with so many frills on it, it looks like your lover is wearing a wedding cake on her fanny

3. “Too much sex on TV”

2. “Too much sex at the mall”

1. “Too much sex everywhere”


10. 3,291

9. 200

8. 44.0009

7. 55

6. 7.3/2

5. .0000000000000000068

4. 100

3. 33

2. 97

1. 98

“Was that hot enough for you?” See you soon with more of my lists!

Best Of 2011: TOILETS

Let’s face it: They may not be glamorous, they may not be beautiful, and you might not want to eat a ham sandwich out of them, but TOILETS are important. They’re a part of our lives, and we might as well admit that 2011 WAS A GREAT YEAR FOR TOILETS.

From airport bathrooms to private apartments, toilets were everywhere this year. Sometimes it seemed like there were almost too many toilets! But, of course, there can never be too many toilets — they’re just that crucial to us not going poo-poo on our floors.

So let’s put on our Toilet Hats and say thank you to 2011’s toilets: “Thank you, to the wonderful toilets.”

Here is my list of the BEST TOILETS OF 2011:

10. European toilets

9. Shiny toilets

8. Occupy toilets

7. Unknown toilets

6. Port-A-O’Potties (Irish portable toilets)

5. Sleek toilets

4. Luxury toilets

3. Midwestern toilets

2. Compost toilets

1. Ideal toilets

BOOM! Best list ever.


They say a year is just a collection of experiences, and the best experiences are those once-in-a-lifetime extreme experiences that take your year from the “ho-hum” to the “holy shit that was fucking amazing.”

If you’re not having intense experiences every day, you’re not really alive. And no, sitting on your fat heiney while reading the internet doesn’t count. (Except for when you’re reading my lists.)

2011 was a year that cried out for experiences, and you obliged — with enthusiasm. From bungee-jumping to culture-jamming, this year saw more people living their dreams than any other year. It’s time to celebrate how much fun we all had in 2011!

Here are the top ten ESSENTIAL EXPERIENCES OF 2011:

10. Climbing a mountain

9. Having a grandchild

8. Eating at a five-star restaurant

7. Taking a bath with a celebrity

6. DJ’ing a huge L.A. dance party

5. Sailing a boat across the river

4. Doing a genealogy report about your ancestors

3. Astral projection

2. 5K charity run

1. Remembering all the great memories from the year

Best Of 2011: MAGAZINES

We hear it every day: “The magazine publishing industry is in trouble,” “Nobody buys magazines,” “I hate magazines,” “Magazines suck.” But despite these naysayers, magazines continue to thrive. Yes, that’s right: Good ol’ fashioned magazines! At one point in 2011, there were more magazines laying around people’s homes than any other year in history — and you can take that to the bank, the MAGAZINES BANK.


10. Subscriptions

9. Color photographs

8. Long articles

7. “Honey, have you seen my magazine?”

6. The future of magazines: What is it?

5. In-flight magazines still going strong

4. Advertisements in magazines

3. Sports magazines

2. The magazine industry

1. Crossword puzzles