Reader and almanac-collector JK was not impressed with JM’s contribution to the Almanac Wars:

Slow clap for the sanctimonious JM and his video about the Government Documents Department.  Unless and until JM can show a video of his OWN collection of ALMANACS (this is an Almanac War?) then color me unimpressed. 

Besides, anyone can grab a camcorder and go to the frickin library. Bravo JM!  Next time, why don’t you just show us a video of you typing in ‘www.google.com’ into your web browser.

Ouch! JM, are you gonna stand for this? This guy JK is calling you out! I don’t have to tell regular readers what this reminds me of …

By the way, JK shot new footage of his almanac collection … I think you’ll agree this is a game-changer … I’m commissioning Rand Corp. to analyze what this means for future almanac wars, because: WHOA.

If you’re in the almanac-war business, this is the grimmest 19 seconds of your life!!!

I made a pledge to myself to watch a lot of TV this week. So on Monday I tuned into VH1 for “Flight 666,” a documentary about Iron Maiden’s tour of Central and South America.

Guys, is it possible that in 20 years or so, we’ll all realize that Iron Maiden is the best rock band in the world? Because I’m pretty close to believing that. Because, umm, did you know that Bruce Dickinson, the singer of Iron Maiden, has a pilot’s license, and that when the band tours, he flies them around in, like, a 747 jet that has Iron Maiden painted on it and even has a picture of Eddie (Iron Maiden monster) painted on the tail? Did you know that?

And did you know that Iron Maiden is still rocking so hard? My friend went to OzzFest a couple years ago and said Iron Maiden blew every other band off the stage. Still holding it down.

Seriously, if I learn more than one Iron Maiden song, I might just become a super-fan.

The one thing that bothers me about Iron Maiden, though: Not enough nicknames for people in their liner notes. LOL, I think they should add some nicknames for their road crew.

Hmm … I feel like there might be lots to write about Iron Maiden. We might just have to explore the idea of an MNFTIU IRON MAIDEN WEEK.

(This is a video of Iron Maiden live in Rio … with one person singing along.)

So I went to yoga class last night. Gulp. “Hoo boy.” (Say in Tom Scharpling voice.) This was the worst yoga experience of my life. I swear we spent like 20 minutes face-down on a wooden floor trying to lift our legs up in the air. That felt good … NOT!!!

Then she had us go into some kind of discombobulated pigeon pose that made no kind of sense. I almost had a leg spasm, trying to reach around and grab my ankle which was like a quarter-mile away (I’m tall).

And … no warrior pose? Are you kidding me? Jeez, lemme bust out a warrior pose! Warrior 1, Warrior 2, I don’t care … just let me feel like a bad-ass for a minute. No, instead she had us doing lunges — my least favorite yoga poses — hips getting all diagonal and legs trembling and trying to lean forward and getting all sweaty and wobbly. Blecch.

At the end of the class, when the teacher said “Namaste,” I yelled out “I DON’T THINK SO.”

(Just kidding … had to get in some classic yoga humor, there. You know me and my pixie-ish whimsy.)

Anyway, it was good to have a bad yoga experience, I suppose. Usually I feel good after yoga and I think “Man, I’m glad I went to yoga.” But last night, I was like “Goddamn you’d think after 3,000 years they’d figure out how to make this not totally suck.” But they can’t break me! You’ll see me back on the mat before too long. You can’t keep me down; I’ll pop off a fat tree pose in 2 seconds flat, don’t tempt me …

Whoa, didn’t see this coming. Reader JM chimes in regarding the 2009 Almanac Wars (basically saying, “Almanacs are for punks, go straight to the Statistical Abstract of the United States“) and sends along this video (already one of my top 10 vids):

Damn, that’s a pretty serious collection! The guy has like 20 volumes just on the “Pearl Harbor Attack,” whatever that was. Almanac-heads might need to up their game …

In the midst of all my Wine Store Monday triumphalism, I should note that a few voices of dissent have cried out for more yoga-blogging. It’s true, I kinda fell off the yoga wagon/train/horse in recent weeks.

So, because I love all my readers and I believe in “Namaste” and “Vinyasa,” I will attend a yoga class TONIGHT and then blog about it tomorrow morning!

So all you yoga-headz, get ready! I’m about to pop off some downward dogs and maybe even reverse my warrior like a fuckin’ champ.

I’m gonna try to see if these guys will do a comedy gig at the wine store.

“Change has come to America.”

In an absolute rout that would make Nate Silver’s head explode like a gourd filled with Merlot, WINE STORE MONDAYS has crushed the competition!

The final tally? 15 in favor, 1 opposed.

From reader MR:

I definitely think “Wine Monday” should be a regular weekly feature. I hold this opinion for the following three very good reasons:

1. You always sound weirdly euphoric when you write about the wine shop, which makes for a “good read;”

2. It would provide a nice counterweight to Friday Face-Offs, thus giving the week some structure for those of us who don’t have normal jobs;

3. There are definitely not enough people spreading the word about how great wine is on the internet.

From BTS:

The original Wine Week was my favorite series since www.mnftiu.cc went into Blog Mode®.

Wine Store Mondays: giving Friday Face-Offs a run for its money since 9/09!

Reader JM understands how incredible Mondays will be from now on:

Writing to vote YES for Wine Store Mondays… LOL, is anyone voting ‘no’? (Jamba Juice moles –ed.) The chance to vicariously experience the excitement, intrigue, and prestige of working in a wine shop– “no thanks, I am currently skydiving while wrestling an alligator, my life has enough stimulation!”

Long-time reader FB smells a movie …

Just wanted to add another Yay! to the tally for Wine Store Mondays.  I already can smell the next Julie & Julia in the air …

P.S. The only people who hate Merlot are upper middle class jerkweeds who think “Sideways” was a documentary about their life. (Reader JKK, please note! –ed.)

P.P.S. Jamba Juice still sucks

Okay guys, I have my mandate. Wine Store Mondays is a go. But in order for this to really succeed, where I get a book deal and then Meryl Streep plays me in a movie, I will need all of your help in cross-blog-posting and linking and facebooking and twittering and what not.

Are we gonna do this? Am I actually gonna become America’s new wine authority on all things wine and wine-related?

Answer: YES.

Know hope.

Breaking … per my previous post, readers are overwhelmingly in favor of a regular “Wine Store Monday” feature … votes are currently 2 in favor, 0 opposed …

From reader JR:

If the blog was nothing but Wine Store Mondays, I would read it. And I don’t even drink. It’s like live-reporting from the front lines of capitalism.

LOL, me and Ayn Rand, chillin’ with a bottle of 2004 Di Bruno Sangiovese … you know how we roll … going Galt all over this Malbec, you can’t stop us …

Polls are still open! Let me know how you feel about regular Monday updates from the front lines of wine-apitalism.

Guys, I’m working at the wine store every Monday. It’s really nice in here, and I get to listen to internet radio and work on all my projects while surrounded by the finest wines …

So my question is: Should I make this a regular weekly feature? “Wine Store Mondays,” how does that strike you? You can kick off your work week by following all my adventures in the wine store. You’ll find out what it’s like to sell wine and answer people’s questions about wine and tell them about Merlot and Cabernet and the two other kinds of wine I’ve heard of.

Email me with your opinions. On my blog, the readers come first.

Don’t worry, no need to call the Beacon Fire Deparment, it’s not literally on fire.

But I just had three back-to-back transactions. Let me catch my breath and tell you about them …

First, a man bought so many bottles, he qualified for a discount. I put all his bottles in a big box and then he went on his merry way!

No sooner had he left then two women approached the counter with their bottles! You know how it goes: “No rest for the wicked,” and all that, so instead of resting on my laurels, I immediately swung into action and provided superior customer service by scanning their bottles and telling them the price and then selling the bottles to them and processing their credit cards with a flick of the wrist!

And now, if you’ll forgive me, I’m going to rest for a minute … gotta prepare for the evening rush …