BREAKING … I never blog on the weekends, but this is an EMERGENCY … I’m in the wine shop! Repeat: I am in the wine shop!

It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend … get that wine!

We have three bottles open for tasting:

1. An Italian white wine called Fallegro! (It’s good, I tasted it!)

2. A Bordeaux called Marquis de Calon from France! (It’s good, I tasted it! In fact, it’s REALLY good! Don’t sleep on this wine!)

3. A dessert wine from Spain that is really good and guess what? “Y’all know me”: I drank it.

Three delicious wines, all perfect for Valentine’s Day … come buy some bottles for your LOVAH … and get those kisses that are comin’ to you.

Our movement to hold the KSM Terror Trial in Newburgh is picking up steam … check out this email from a journalist who works for a local Hudson river valley paper:

Just picked up on your blogging about Newburgh. I work at [PUBLICATION REDACTED] across the river. Thought you should know: the (Newburgh) courthouse would be a better location than the dollar store for the trial, mostly because two years ago they found a bunch of bones underneath it …

Okay, so now I’m torn. I’m still pushing for “Dollar-Store Justice,” but part of me does want to see KSM in the courthouse. Maybe we could just try his beard at the courthouse, and keep the rest of him at the dollar store? Any ideas?

Know hope. Know justice. Know bargains.

All terror trials $1 or less!

I told my friend JV about my campaign to bring the KSM trial to Newburgh and he said that if we ever team up to write a movie about the trial, it should be called “Judgment at Newburgh.”

Thanks to everyone who came to Saturday’s show at Open Space in Beacon. Sorry for those who couldn’t get in. We’ll give you priority seating at the next comedy show …

Reader JR agrees with my post about trying KSM at the dollar store in Newburgh:

yeah, what is up with those tiny spatulas? sure, they’re a dollar, but they’re all small and smelly and shit.

You can’t stop a dollar-store spatula! KSM, get ready … you’re about to get SPATULATED.

BBC Radio is on the Newburgh train … I’m listening to it right now … let’s do this … “Trial of the Century” …

No mention of the dollar store yet … that’ll change soon …

ARGGGH why is County Executive Ed. Diana being such a punk??? “We can’t try them here; it’s too painful… I’ll block the roads …” C’mon dude, it’s called JUSTICE, let’s just DO IT.

Here’s the dollar store. This is where history will be made…

KSM… this is your worst nightmare!

If they move the KSM trial to Newburgh, I’m starting to think the best place to try him would be that big dollar store in that one strip mall off Exit 10S(?). I go there every year to buy wrapping paper.

Guys, that place is huge. We could fit a bunch of journalists and security personnel in there. There’s lots of parking (for some reason, it’s one of those strip malls with like five shops and 500,000 parking spaces); good restaurants nearby (only a few minutes’ drive from all those fancy restaurants on the river); and it’s right off I-84.

But the real reason to try KSM in a dollar store is: BUSTED. He’ll be so ashamed! He’s probably hoping we try him in the biggest courtroom ever, or the sketchiest, most claustrophobic tribunal ever. Either way, he gets to be the big martyr-hero guy: “Ooh, look at what a bad-ass I am; look at where they’re holding my trial.”

But if we put his ass on trial in a dollar store? He’s hurting. That’s gotta be a harsh blow to the ego. A dollar store? Hell yeah. He’ll be like, “What is this? Some kind of special courtroom where you only try the toughest bad-asses?” And we’re like, “No, it’s a goddamn dollar store, you goof. Look, do you want a wack-ass, stinky-smelling spatula from China that’s like 3/4 the size of a normal spatula? I’ll buy it for you because it ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR.”

Let’s draft a petition and get this started!