Try Khalid Sheikh Muhammed At The Dollar Store In That One Strip Mall In Newburgh

If they move the KSM trial to Newburgh, I’m starting to think the best place to try him would be that big dollar store in that one strip mall off Exit 10S(?). I go there every year to buy wrapping paper.

Guys, that place is huge. We could fit a bunch of journalists and security personnel in there. There’s lots of parking (for some reason, it’s one of those strip malls with like five shops and 500,000 parking spaces); good restaurants nearby (only a few minutes’ drive from all those fancy restaurants on the river); and it’s right off I-84.

But the real reason to try KSM in a dollar store is: BUSTED. He’ll be so ashamed! He’s probably hoping we try him in the biggest courtroom ever, or the sketchiest, most claustrophobic tribunal ever. Either way, he gets to be the big martyr-hero guy: “Ooh, look at what a bad-ass I am; look at where they’re holding my trial.”

But if we put his ass on trial in a dollar store? He’s hurting. That’s gotta be a harsh blow to the ego. A dollar store? Hell yeah. He’ll be like, “What is this? Some kind of special courtroom where you only try the toughest bad-asses?” And we’re like, “No, it’s a goddamn dollar store, you goof. Look, do you want a wack-ass, stinky-smelling spatula from China that’s like 3/4 the size of a normal spatula? I’ll buy it for you because it ONLY COSTS A DOLLAR.”

Let’s draft a petition and get this started!