7:30 PM Okay, that’s it for red-carpet liveblogging. Official liveblog starts at 8:00 PM EST.
7:28 PM I’m simply overwhelmed with jealousy with all these gowns. Some of them look like they have sequins or sparkles! “What will they think of next, in Hollywood’s gown factories?”
7:27 PM Everybody looks amazing — beautiful, handsome, and healthy! And the gowns. Ladies and gentlemen, how much do we love these gowns? “I guess angels are real,” that’s what I say whenever I see a beautiful Hollywood person in one of their gowns.
Well, we started the day with somebody using a cell phone to play “Replay,” and then we just saw a young man play “Replay” using pencils, so I guess it’s okay if we cut all our arts-education funding, because if people can’t afford to learn instruments, they can always just pick up some household junk and go “plink-plonk-plink” along to a pop song, right?“Are you there, Ayn? It’s me, Newt Gingrich.” (Give it up for the CPAC conference, I think it’s still going strong today.)
Honestly at this point I don’t even know what I’m typing about. I’m really tired and — guess what? — I have a certain song stuck in my head AS IF IT’S ON REPLAY.
Let’s get this over with: Just pick some random song and say it’s the winner and go lie down for a minute. What is he singing about, “She’s the gun to my holster?” That doesn’t make physiological sense and it just barely makes metaphorical sense. And you know if something doesn’t make metaphorical sense, you’re in some dicey water!
OH MAN I FEEL WEIRD. IT’S TOO MUCH REPLAAAAAAAY
Here’s our winning video! REPLAY IS THE BEST SONG EVER
I know, it’s just some guy beatboxing to the world’s most insidious song. I don’t care — he wins this week. After all, I’m grading on a curve: THE CURVE OF MY MADNESS
Friday Face-Offs! Whew, this edition edged closed to the danger zone. Next time I will pick a song that I can stand to listen to more than five times.
!!!! OKAY WAIT LAST-MINUTE ADDITION:
This guy wins; I’m stripping the beatboxer’s title. Executive decision. I don’t care how old I get, I will never understand scratching. How do they do it? I’m not even doing an Andy Rooney joke, I am honestly befuddled. Once I saw the X-Ecutioners (famous scratchers) play a show and I couldn’t even keep up with what was happening. All I know is, if I could scratch records like this, it would be all I would ever do. Maybe I’ll sign up for an adult eduction class about scratching.
I think Iyaz implanted a bag of sand behind my left ear.
How come nobody told me about “Pencil Beats?” You guys realize I make my feeling sharpening pencils, right? (I should put the link here but I feel very tired from all the replay.) Anyway, now I gotta re-invent my business and expand into “musical-pencil sharpening services.” Very well. GAME ON.
(I know this kid — “Shane Bang” — is using ballpoint pens and not pencils, but still — the video is called “pencil beat remix,” and once he tries one of my custom-musical-sharpened-artisanal pencils, he won’t be going back to pens, believe that. And neither will any of you. Believe you me that.)
The best thing about this video is he stops playing “Replay” (which is, guys, let’s admit, no offense if Iyaz is reading this, but really, not such an objectively magnificent piece of songcraft) and makes his way to Jason Derulo’s “Whatcha Say,” which is an amazing song, and now I’m wondering why I didn’t choose it for the grand return of FFO. I know I started researching it, and Lord knows I have listened to it in my automobile whilst zooming around on errands. Maybe I’ll do it later this year. Anyway, yeah, just make sure you get to (2:18), because that’s the total jump-off. And then watch to the end, where something LSD-related seems to happen.
Oh, right, maybe I should post the video so you guys know what I’m talking about:
As a former member of SPEBSQSA, I gotta give it up for this young man. He is 4,000% barbershop. He’s got the classic harmonies, the classic facial expression, the classic BARBERSHOP PRIDE!!!
Also, according to his notes, he lives in Hawaii where apparently it’s noisy as shit outside so he had a frustrating time recording. Here’s everything he lists that was going on outside his window:
“birds, cars, leaf blowers, construction, kids playing outside, people practicing instruments, airplanes, helicopters, etc. etc. etc. “
What the hell is going on over there in Hawaii? “Leaf blowers?” WTF? They have leaves that fall off trees in Hawaii??? “People practicing instruments?” Double-WTF?????? Who’s practicing an instrument in Hawaii? Just go to the beach and drink a rum.
Here’s some free advice for whoever the mayor of Hawaii is: Maybe you should re-name Hawaii “Cacophony Archipelago.” (Actually that’d be a good name for a grindcore band. I wonder if Hawaii has a big grindcore scene? I must remember to google that the next time I feel like I’m about to do something productive.)
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been thinking about this whole Hawaii-is-noisy theory and it doesn’t add up. I can’t believe it. I’ve got my misconceptions about Hawaii stuck on replay. Great, just great: another paradigm-shattering edition of Friday Face-Offs. How many more of my precious paradigms are going to be shattered, just so you people can keep watching all the great videos I find on my computer??? “Bartender, pour me another Andy Rooney. Better make it a double.” (Whatever that means; I just typed it for fun.)
OH MY GOD I’M LOSING MY MIND LISTENING TO THIS SONG ON REPLAYyyyy
Two more contestants to go! It’s Friday Face-Offs!
If you’re wondering what the framed documents on the wall are, one is a diploma for “Most People Playing ‘Replay’ Simultaneously on Acoustic Guitar In Human History,” and one is an award for “Best Microtonal Vocal Rendition of ‘Replay’ in Human History,” and one is a certificate for “There Are Three Plastic Cups on the Table.”
FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! We’re stuck on replay!
As long as I’m typing on my computer, maybe I’ll just go ahead and admit that for the longest time, I thought the lyric “it’s like my iPod stuck on replay” was “it’s like my EYEBALL stuck on replay.” Crazy, right? But it kinda makes sense, in that loopy pop-song logic — the logic that drives Andy Rooney into AN ECSTASY OF BEFUDDLEMENT.
I can’t tell if everything in this video is from fifteen years ago, or from fifteen years from now. All I know is I’m going to buy my dad that shirt for his 80th birthday.
