Just sold a bottle of white wine to a woman who wanted to cook with it. I guess she’s making a fish stew or something.

True life tales of wine . . . they don’t stop . . .

Of all the things I’ve learned while working at the wine shop these last few days, one of the most surprising is this:

You can’t tell how expensive or fancy a wine is by looking at its label.

Some of the best wines have the clunkiest, most dumbest-looking labels. Seriously, dudes: Quark XPress 3.0 much?

On the other hand, sometimes I’ll see a label that looks totally gorgeous and say, “No way could I afford this wine — look at that scripty, fancy font and the picture of the French field on it!” and then — BOOM — the wine costs, like, $9.99. AND YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT MERLOT.

I guess a wine bottle’s label is like a book’s cover: You can’t judge a book by it.

For all the anti-Merlot marauders out there, trying to harsh on my Merlot — just want you to know that a couple nights ago I drank half a bottle of Merlot while I ate half a chocolate cake and it was AWESOME.

So who’s the wine genius now?

Answer: ME.

Just sold ANOTHER bottle of Merlot!!! And guess what? The customer could NOT HAVE BEEN HAPPIER.

LOL, guess he didn’t get the message about “You need to mix Merlot with other wines to make it taste good because of the notes of the raisins,” or whatever hogwash the anti-Merlites are spouting these days.

MERLOT FOR LIFE!!!

Come on in and buy some wine . . . reasonable prices, great selection . . . each wine has been tasted and analyzed by the store owners (true fact) . . . you can’t go wrong with these wines . . .

My wife / co-worker just informed me that Zinfandel is a red wine.

I always thought it was a white wine!

Regular reader (and long-time personal nemesis) JK writes in to say:

Dude–careful, careful… Merlot straight up actually NOT considered a quality wine… Merlot considered a grape good for blending with other grapes to produce fresh notes, blending with Cabernet Sauvignon, Malbec, Cabernet Franc, and in Italy w/ Italian grapes I don’t know about… Only passable on its own… Your wine owner friend is going to crush you for this… Get Wine for Dummies copy immediately, commence reading –

Excuse me? “Wine For Dummers?!?” Who’s the dummy? Because I’m straight-up RUNNING A WINE SHOP while you sit around in your jammies hitting refresh on my blog.

As far all that stuff about “blending with other grapes to produce fresh notes,” I don’t know what you’re talking about. Grapes? Where do grapes come into all this? Fresh notes? What is this, a rock concert? I’m not running a Guitar Center over here . . . last time I checked there weren’t any skinny 12 year-olds plunking away at “Stairway to Heaven” on $1,999 guitars while Mom and Dad hold hands and their eyes glaze over . . .

Good morning! It’s our last morning running the wine shop. 🙁

But fortunately, we find ourselves invigorated by CONTROVERSY!

Some hardcore anti-Merlot goofballs are pushing back against my praise of Merlot yesterday . . . more soon . . .

Guys, something tells me we’re gonna get a big rush tonight. I don’t know why, I’m just getting that vibe. (A great salesman can always pick up on certain sub-audible tremors in the retail-o-sphere — and the tremors are BANGIN’ right now.)

I expect we’ll move some bottles tonight!

By the way? Just sold a bottle of MERLOT to a nice lady. Merlot, for you “wine-tards” out there who don’t know anything about wine, is just about one of the HOTTEST WINES around. It’s basically like a Cabernet, but has more of a “restaurant” vibe. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the top ten wines available these days.

In fact, I’m making Merlot my WINE OF THE DAY. (That means you have to buy fifty bottles of Merlot if you want to be my friend.)

Just sold a bottle of organic Malbec . . . customer seemed very pleased. What can I say? “We endeavor to give satisfaction.”

About to make some more fresh bread for the evening rush . . . I’ll let you know how the customers react . . . LOL, I am learning their ways, controlling their very desires . . . YOU SHALL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF OUR WINE. . .

ALERT — ALERT — MUST CREDIT MNFTIU.CC, THE HOTTEST NEW BLOG ABOUT WORKING IN A WINE STORE — ALERT

Beacon, NY — You thought we weren’t in the big leagues? YOU THOUGHT WRONG. My wife just sold a WHOLE CASE OF WINE to a customer! It was a case of red wine (red wine is one of the best types of wine; in fact, I would say it is the BEST wine currently available, until someone learns how to make a wine out of Preston Sturges comedies).

So, yeah, basically, we’re just selling the heck out of some wine right about now . . . come on down and get some of this awesome wine . . . you can buy a wine to go with just about any food other than waffles.