Have a great weekend!

While doing some research on lottery tickets, I came across this amazing press release from last summer. Seems the great state of Nebraska is on the cutting edge of lotto/scratch-innovation:

Nebraska Lottery Launches Hybrid Scratch/Lotto Ticket

June 12, 2008 – The Nebraska Lottery has launched its first hybrid Scratch and Lotto ticket, $10 Lucky Numbers.

The Lucky Numbers Scratch game features a top prize of $150,000 as well as $1.7 million in total cash prizes. Additionally, each Lucky Numbers ticket contains a perforated bonus area with the chance to win a barcoded coupon for a free $1 Nebraska Pick 5 Lotto play. Lucky Numbers is the first hybrid ticket offered by the Nebraska Lottery that combines the instant win features of a Scratch game with the opportunity to win a Lotto jackpot of $50,000 or more.

A couple thoughts: FIRST, if you let me within 500 feet of one of these tickets, the odds of winning are 1 in 1. I’ve been waiting for a scratch/lotto hybrid my whole life. I must have played the simulation in my head 10,000 times. The only reason I’m not on a plane to Nebraska right now (lucky-scratchin’ penny in hand) is because I don’t want to bankrupt the state.

SECOND, when is the rest of the country gonna follow Nebraska’s lead? It’s time to step up and embrace hybrid technology! I can’t believe we live in the 21st century, yet lottery agencies and scratch agencies are still issuing separate tickets!!! This is an outrage! If we don’t adapt and evolve, this ol’ ball of laughing gas we call “The Planet Earth” will be doomed.

Call your representative in Congress and demand hybrid ticket technology NOW! Go to your gas station, your bodega — wherever you buy your scratch tickets — and ask the proprietor when they plan on switching over to 100% hybrid. It’s up to us!

This reminds me of the old saying my old scratch-sensei used to say: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single scratch. So get scratchin’ on them tickets. Then bring me some soup.”

I’m gonna see if Thomas Friedman will write a column about this issue … might help move the debate forward …

Interesting email from reader ZS:

When I start to type in “mnftiu.cc” in the address bar in google chrome, after I finish typing “mn” the first address chrome suggests is “www.lottery.state.mn.us.” COINCIDENCE?

Hmm, let’s see … I am the world’s authority on lotteries and scratch tickets … google chrome is the hottest new search engine … I called google last week and told them to change all mnftiu-related web sites to lottery-related sites out of respect for me …

It’s not a coincidence, ZS, it’s good ol’-fashioned marketing. Cyber-marketing, that is.

The only “coincidence” is when I teach you how to take Minnesota for all their lottery money next Monday. PLEASE TELL YOUR FACE-BOOK FRIENDS ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY!

Just back from the gas station … you would not believe some of the things I saw! Doesn’t anyone know how to play the scratch tickets anymore? I thought this was America, land of the scratch ticket! What is this, communist China, land of randomly scratching every which way with no strategy?

“Don’t scratch the ticket unless you know where the money is,” that’s what my scratch yogi used to tell me.

Also: “The ultimate itch … is not to scratch.” He used to say that, too. Then he would burn all our scratch tickets right in front of our eyes, and say: “No more scratch tickets tonight. Go make me some soup.”

This was on top of a mountain, mind you, at a very exclusive scratch-ticket ashram.

I can’t wait to show you the secrets of winning scratch tickets at my lecture on Monday! Please let twitter know about it!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Weekly Standard!

(W)e don’t know what (Sarah Palin) will do in the private sector. Will she write a thoughtful book? Become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must read” for everyone? Will she found an important new think tank? An important journal? Spearhead an effort to help the unemployed? Decide to launch a business? Or maybe she will start a new political party?

Allow me to answer all these questions:

No, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

Thank you!

LOL, “become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a ‘must-read’ for everyone?” This is one of the most LOL hypothetical questions of all time, just behind “What if Grand Funk Railroad were astronauts and they flew to the moon in a purple canoe and gave a free concert for Grover Cleveland’s vagina?”

I guarantee you 1,000% that Sarah Palin will not become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must-read” for everyone. I will give you my biggest, boldest guarantee– the iron-clad guarantee I only use on the most special occasions, when I really need to guarantee the shit out of something.

Next Monday’s lecture is my first live appearance in over 6 months, can you believe it?

And I am so ready to help you make money using common household tools like the lottery, the scratch ticket, and the bookie (chubby man who lets you buy numbers from him).

The more people who attend this lecture, the more lotteries we win, the more million-dollar-jackpots we grab, the more we stimulate the economy. See how it works?

Please tell your friends about this once-in-a-summer experience! This is what dreams are made of!

David Rees: “How To Pick The Numbers”
Financial Empowerment Lecture
Monday, July 13
7:30 PM
Pete’s Candy Store
Williamsburg, Brooklyn
FREE
NOTE: Please bring your used (and unused) scratch tickets.

Let’s talk about pick-fours. This is one of the real growth sectors in the “picking the numbers” lifestyle. Very hot area. The rules are simple: Put down your money. Pick four numbers. Then watch the numbers and see if the ones you picked are the ones that show up in the thing.

When I’m picking a pick-four, I always pick at least one number with a four in it, just out of respect. I might go with:

12 – 99 – 43 – 71

That’s a good solid lineup, right there. You’ve got that “43” anchoring your collection, with the 4 in the tens place, immediately followed by that 3, which is less than 4, so it’s like 4 is dominating the entire 43, like, “You think 4 can’t dominate? Ask that 3 how it’s doing right there, it’s getting so dominated.” So 43 comes out swinging.

I picked a 71 to round it off on the strength of how badass 71 looks; I remember a few years ago “Number Pickers Digest” listed it as one of the top-twenty toughest-looking numbers under 100. You never mess with “Fat 71.”

As to the 12 and 99 that kick off the sequence: What can I say? Did I ever say I don’t like to have fun with the numbers? Good ol’ “Twizzler” (12) and “Naughty Ninety-Neener” (99)! They always just make me feel good, so I pick ’em when the mood strikes me, numbers-picking-them-wise.

Another good pick-four is:

12 – 99 – 43 – 72

. . . for many of the same reasons.

State lotteries are great tools for financial empowerment. The key is to win one. I can help you do that. Please bring your used scratch tickets to next week’s lecture; I’ll help you figure out what you did wrong and why you didn’t win.

What’s up? Anybody seen any good videos lately?

Any … umm … normal videos, made by normal people?

Hey guys, you know I don’t use this web site to brag … nobody wants to read a braggy blogger … but let me brag for one second and announce that my wife has a poem in the new issue of FENCE magazine! (One of the hottest literary journals around, twenty times better than NEWSWEEK.)

Anyway, the poem is wild and awesome. It’s on page 18, aka “The Page of Champions.”

We went to Barnes & Noble yesterday to see if the issue was out yet, and the kid was like, “I never heard of that magazine,” and I was like, “You will, punk!” And then today the issue came in the mail!

Another psychic experience from yours truly.