Ladies and gentlemen, the Weekly Standard!

(W)e don’t know what (Sarah Palin) will do in the private sector. Will she write a thoughtful book? Become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must read” for everyone? Will she found an important new think tank? An important journal? Spearhead an effort to help the unemployed? Decide to launch a business? Or maybe she will start a new political party?

Allow me to answer all these questions:

No, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

Thank you!

LOL, “become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a ‘must-read’ for everyone?” This is one of the most LOL hypothetical questions of all time, just behind “What if Grand Funk Railroad were astronauts and they flew to the moon in a purple canoe and gave a free concert for Grover Cleveland’s vagina?”

I guarantee you 1,000% that Sarah Palin will not become a syndicated columnist whose ideas make her a “must-read” for everyone. I will give you my biggest, boldest guarantee– the iron-clad guarantee I only use on the most special occasions, when I really need to guarantee the shit out of something.