For those who are tired of my wine-blogging and yearn for the cudgel-over-the-head subtlety and featherweight wit of my political musings, go here.

Greetings from Wine-Shop City, USA! I just had my first customer of the day … they bought a whole case of wine! “I gotta feeling … that tonight’s gonna be a good night …” (Sing in Black-Eyed Peas voice.)

Hold on to your hats … we might put on another Beacon comedy show … Hudson valley, get ready for laughs … check this site for more details … check it 10 times per hour for details … more information coming soon …

Reader MR has some questions about wine. I have some answers about wine. Let’s get to it!

Dear David,
could you please help your readers out with some wine-problems? For those of us who did not go to master sommelier school, it can be challenging to know which wines to pair with which things, for example. Some recent conundrums in my own life have caused me no end of social embarrassment and emotional despair, to whit:

– what wine goes with burritos?

Red wine from Mexico. NEXT!

– what wine says “I am classy but not pretentious but not too girly but I know how to party but not too much” to your guests?

Are you kidding? Could the answer be “Merlot” any harder??? MERLOT MERLOT MERLOT. Next!

– can you have guests over just for wine (i.e. no dinner)?

Umm … only if you want everyone to love you and think you’re the greatest genius of all time! Next!

– can you serve red and white wine together (in the same glass)?

Yes, this can be done. It’s called “Sex on the Beach.”

– if one of your guests asks “what kind of wine is this,” what should you say?

You should say, “It’s the wine you’re drinking, and isn’t it lovely?”

– is it true that red wine causes nightmares?

Only if you’ve been raised by a coven of maniacs who convince you it’s literally the blood of a crucified man-god. (KIDDING!)

Thanks very much in advance for your help. I always look forward to “Wine Store Mondays” because I have a lot of questions about wine and I haven’t been able to get them answered in any other venue.

My pleasure! One of my favorite things about blogging is the ability to answer any and all questions that anyone asks me about anything.

Reader MC just lobbed this over the firewall and into the ol’ inbox:

Holy fucking shit dude, today’s Wine Store Monday has the throttle wide open and is burning rubber in all four gears (five if you count reverse), mashing the gas pedal like it’s grape-stomping day down at the vineyard. It’s official: Wine Store Monday is racing for slips.

IT MAY BE A JOBLESS RECOVERY, BUT IT’S SURE NOT A WINELESS RECOVERY.

You got that right! And by the way, since my last blog post? I SOLD SOME WINE. I had a customer rush in and buy a bottle of white wine(?!?) and then rush right back out and get on with her day … “All business, no time for small talk, let’s make this wine-transaction smooth like Sade.” Done and done!

Four hours left, people … let’s get that wine … let’s blow the doors off this joint …

MH is CRUSHING in every category … AG and DR (me) obviously don’t know anything about wine … there’s a new King of Wine, and his name is MH …

A man just came in and bought 2 bottles of white wine … that means even MH’s RTWRP (red-to-white ratio prediction) is gaining ground … I thought we’d sell maybe 2 bottles of white TOTAL today … (because of the famous saying, “When it’s cold outside, people want red wine inside / and not white wine / because who would ever drink white wine unless it was / 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit outside?”)

BREAKING … news alert … AG just admitted that his initial TOTAL BOTTLE # was 23, but then he changed it to 11. “Way to go, Mr. Genius.” He’s getting his bottle-predicting-butt KICKED by all my wonderful customers!

I’m not saying we’re on track to selling 1,000 bottles of wine today, but I AM saying that we are selling some wine today.

I don’t even know why AG is still hanging out at the store. He low-balled his total bottle # bet, and now he’s getting totally crushed. In fact, I think we’ve already sold more bottles than his daily total bet-prediction, and it’s only 1:00 PM!

At one point this morning when bottles were flying off shelves faster than any of us “bet-heads” could have predicted, AG said I could “burn everything (he) owns” if he lost the wine-store-bottle-bet. Ladies and gentlemen, get your lighters ready!!!

I sold six bottles of wine to someone who was planning a party! That’s gonna be a fun party, I just know it. They bought four bottles of a nice solid red table wine that everyone loves. It’s called “Our Daily Red” and it’s organic. It doesn’t have the greatest label in the world, but one thing I’ve learned working at the wine shop is that you can’t always judge a bottle by its label (although you usually can).

More updates soon … the betting is hot and heavy … my assistants have gone out to get me some lunch and I’ve already sold two bottles in their absence … what will happen next … only Bacchus (god of wine and partying) knows …

Two of my loyal blog readers have joined me at the shop today.

AG and MH are living the life with me … they see what I see … they hear what I hear … and most important: THEY SELL WHAT I SELL.

We have a three-way bet going about how much wine we’ll see today. It’s broken down into different categories:

– Total # of bottles sold
– Total $ sold
– Red vs. white breakdown (Prosecco wildcard, only I called it!)
– SUBTOTALS:
— 10:00 – noon (# bottles)*
— noon – 3:00 (# bottles)
— 3:00 – 5:00 (# bottles)
— 5:00 – 7:00 (# bottles)

GAME ON. Buy some wine and be a part of betting history!

*This has already been blown out of the water, thanks to some early customers!

An open letter to all my readers:

DEAR READERS:

And to whom it may concern of all of you:

For all who love wine … for all who drink from El Vino’s goblet … for all who dance with the grapes under a Merlot moonlight …

Buy your wine by noon toady for a special offer:

One bottle bought = One bottle sold!!!

Good morning and blessing to everyone out there in “reading my blog”-land.

I’m in the wine shop all day, selling some of the finest wines you’ll ever taste!

The wine of the week is a MERLOT!!! That’s right:

Teatown Cellars Merlot Napa Valley 2005

Regularly: $15.99
This week only: $14.39 per bottle – 10% off save $1.60
This week only case price: $163.10, $13.59 per bottle – 15% off save $28.78
Limited quantities available; discount not combined with other offers

Let’s make this happen! Let’s put you in some new wine.