8:49 PM Dude, unless they do ice-dancing or downhill skiing, I’m not trying to watch polar bears right now … put one on a snow board and crank up the Slipknot, then maybe I’d pay attention. Dude, what if we found out that polar bears’ favorite band was Slipknot? That would be trippy. (SLipknot is that band where they all wear scary masks, it’s kind of like Blue Man Group meets Limp Bizkit.) Another thing I thought of today was, if you like Monopoly but you hate the letter “O,” they should make a special version of that game for you called “Manapaly.” OMG live-blogging is INCREDIBLE … Now Bob Costas is talking about endangered polar bears: “THey wander around town? Cute and adorable as they are, you don’t want to cross their path.” No ladies and gentlemen, he’s not talking about the Kardashians, he’s talking about polar bears! LOL rimshot FTW Olympics up in the house!!! Uh-oh I think I just finished the merlot …

8:43 PM Bob Costas is interviewing some lady about Canada. Excuse me, I’m not trying to read WIkipedia, I’m trying to watch people mess around in the snow and win medals … BORRRRING …

8:42 PM There’s gonna be a show where famous people learn their ancestors were losers … on NBC … just saw the promo!!!

8:41 PM Absolutely not feeling this Olympics tie-in to some dumb Dreamworks CGI movie …

8:40 PM Bob Costas in the house! I didn’t know he was still broadcasting. Looks pretty old, LOL. Love this guy. Pocket square looks positively psychedelic.

8:39 PM Bode Miller wins Bronze. “I was pretty nervous this morning. That’s not unusual for me.” I feel you, brah.

8:38 PM IS THERE MORE THAN ONE MEN’S SKIING EVENT, I’M CONFUSED.

8:37 PM This wine is so good, I can’t even tell when I’m being sarcastic.

8:37 PM It’s amazing how TV commercials can tell an entire story in just a few seconds.

8:36 PM Loving this McDonald’s commercial. My mom would be mad crying right now … she loves commercials like this …

8:35 PM Defago wins the gold in men’s skiing.

8:34 PM WIPE-OUT … we have a wipe-out … RObby Dixon just fell down on his skis … our prayers go out to his family …

8:32 PM Oh no, Cuche (my new fave) couldn’t pull it off … 6th place … anyway I like him the best because he’s a little older than everyone and that’s how I feel sometimes … “Old men can still rock!” I’m gonna get that printed on a shirt.

8:30 PM Dudes we got an old man on the slopes … 35 years old … you know I’m rooting for this guy … his name is D. Cuche … RIP IT BRAH!!! “He learned the value of hard work … his family lived on a farm…” DO this, do this … “still very much in the mix …” C’mon dude, make that snow fly!!!

8:29 PM GOddamn I’m live-blogging the hell out of these Olympics!

8:28 PM Arrrgh when can we hold the Overratedbandolympics? Velvet Underground will sweep with 100 gold medals.

8:27 PM Lou Reed song in an AT&T commercial? When can we all admit that guy’s a total fraud?

8:26 PM This Stephen Vincent merlot is drinking really well. Not too fruity; perfect for the snow! (Hardcore mnftiu-headz know merlot is my gold-medal pick for the Wino-lympics.)

8:25 PM Defago just took the lead. Now he’s screaming and whooping like a maniac.

8:24 PM SNOW FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY

8:22 PM Now Didier Defago is skiing in the snow. He’s the guy in the red snowsuit.

8:21 PM The Olympics are going great!!!

8:18 PM Commercial live-blog: Looks like there’s gonna be a new Gilmore Girls or something? Huh.

8:15 PM Bodie for the gold in cop-car-window-kicking-out-ing:

One of the most exciting scenes of the entire Olympics. Goosebumps!

8:14 PM Bode Miller takes the lead in men’s downhill ski-racing!!!

8:12 PM Bode Miller is racing downhill on skis. Whenever the announcer says “Bode,” I imagine he’s talking about Bodie from the Wire.

Here are some of the best possible scores for ice skating:

1. 10.0
2. 9.7
3. 9.5
4. 9.0
5. 8.9
6. 8.6
7. 8.0
8. 7.5

Keep these in mind when you’re watching the Olympics!

Here’s a patented MNFTIU Olympics Data Point:

“Fastest Winter Vehicles”

1. Luge
2. Toboggan
3. Sled
4. Skis
5. Ice Skates
6. Snowboard
7. Snowshoes
8. Curling
9. Skillet Toss

The Olympics are underway in snowy Canada. The 2010 Vancouver Olympics will go down in history as the most entertaining Olympics that have ever been known. We wish success and blessings to all the athletes, even those who choose to compete against our nation.

Keeping up with the Olympics can be overwhelming. But if you take your time and pay attention, you can find the Olympics to be a rewarding experience in your life, creating memories for you to savor in your superannuated decrepitude.

Follow these tips:

1. Points and grades: Learn how to score Olympic events. Whether it’s a clock (used in a race), or a judge (used in figure-skate-dancing), or a grading scale (used in ski-racing), you won’t know who won if you don’t know how to interpret the various measurements. Learn them all.

2. Cars and trucks: The Winter Olympics are a great occasion to look at various cars and trucks that you don’t see in regular environments. Because there’s so much snow and ice at the Olympics, you’ll probably see vehicles outfitted with special snow-related-thing-a-ma-bobs, like snow tires and snow camouflage, etc. It’ll be great, when you’re looking at them on your TV and talking to your friends about them, like, “Did you see that one truck in the background with the funky windshield wipers? I bet those are for ice storms.”

3. Athletes. Learn the personal stories of all the athletes so you can give a shit when they win a medal or fall down or whatever.

4. Medal count. Which country is the best? Which country will dominate this new decade? There’s only one way to find out: How many medals they win at the Olympics. Take a big sheet of paper and write down the name of every country on earth and then make a grid and check off how many medals each country wins and then you’ll know who’s the best!

More tips soon …

BREAKING … I never blog on the weekends, but this is an EMERGENCY … I’m in the wine shop! Repeat: I am in the wine shop!

It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend … get that wine!

We have three bottles open for tasting:

1. An Italian white wine called Fallegro! (It’s good, I tasted it!)

2. A Bordeaux called Marquis de Calon from France! (It’s good, I tasted it! In fact, it’s REALLY good! Don’t sleep on this wine!)

3. A dessert wine from Spain that is really good and guess what? “Y’all know me”: I drank it.

Three delicious wines, all perfect for Valentine’s Day … come buy some bottles for your LOVAH … and get those kisses that are comin’ to you.

Our movement to hold the KSM Terror Trial in Newburgh is picking up steam … check out this email from a journalist who works for a local Hudson river valley paper:

Just picked up on your blogging about Newburgh. I work at [PUBLICATION REDACTED] across the river. Thought you should know: the (Newburgh) courthouse would be a better location than the dollar store for the trial, mostly because two years ago they found a bunch of bones underneath it …

Okay, so now I’m torn. I’m still pushing for “Dollar-Store Justice,” but part of me does want to see KSM in the courthouse. Maybe we could just try his beard at the courthouse, and keep the rest of him at the dollar store? Any ideas?

Know hope. Know justice. Know bargains.

All terror trials $1 or less!

I told my friend JV about my campaign to bring the KSM trial to Newburgh and he said that if we ever team up to write a movie about the trial, it should be called “Judgment at Newburgh.”

Thanks to everyone who came to Saturday’s show at Open Space in Beacon. Sorry for those who couldn’t get in. We’ll give you priority seating at the next comedy show …