Oscars Liveblogging, Part II

11:08 Keaneu Reeves (sp) introduces the Hurt Locker … a movie about disarming bombs in Iraq. I liked this movie, I gotta say. I hope everyone gets into defusing bombs and removing land mines as a result of this movie …

11:07 Best film editing … a bunch of nominees (the same movies you’ve been hearing about all night) … the winner is HURT LOCKER. Things are looking good for Hurt Locker tonight …

11:06 Wait a minute … did they already give the award for best supporting actor???

11:05 Tyler Perry brings the snark/bitterness. You know what, dude? You probably won’t get an Oscar, because your movies are pretty lame.

11:05 Winner is: THE COVE (about people killing dolphins and eating them)

11:04 Which Way Home (final doc nominated) and the winner is …

11:01 PM Best doc: Burma VJ / Food Inc. / The Cove of Terror / Daniel Ellsberg: The Most Dangerous Assassin in the World /

10:56 Jason Batemen here to tell us about Up in the Air. Screw it: I’m preemptively judging this movie. It just seems too perfectly middle-brow to me. I shan’t see it. I shall only see cowboy movies.

10:56 Who won for best score? I missed it.

10:55 “I can’t believe we made such an expensive movie!” (What if said that in real life?)

10:55 Avatar just won for “Best Amazing Special Effects”

10:47 Dance tribute to the best musical scores. I’m gonna heat up some rice and beans.

10:46 Oh it’s the guy from Avatar. The guy who turned into an alien in the woods.

10:45 Jennifer Lopez and some guy are hear to tell about us musical soundtracks … I think …

10:44 Hell yeah, Raymour and Flanigan commercial! My favorite place to look at furniture. For real, that’s my store

10:43 LOL, I forgot about that BMW commercial they were showing at the movies last year where they pour paint all over a BMW’s tires and then some jackass pulls donuts on a big piece of paper and it’s supposed to be artistic. That was my favorite thing to hold in contempt last year —

10:42 Commercial for a scary new tv show called “Happy Town,” on ABC. “Don’t let the name fool you.”

10:42 Cindy Crawford’s making blankets!

10:41 Do I need to finally learn the difference bewteen 3G and 4G and all that network stuff? I have a 2003 Verizon phone that you can’t do anything on, so I guess not.

10:40 Is anyone in Hollywood still alive?

10:40 “I coulda been a contender!” –he died too. SO MUCH DEATH

10:40 The guy who wrote Mr. Magoo is dead.

10:39 Jack Cardiff, a cinematographer, is dead.

10:39 Dom Deluise died.

10:38 it’s that Beatles song they sang on the last episode of Family Ties

10:38 Tribute time … whuh-oh, James Taylor is gonna sing a song to honor the dead of Hollywood

10:38 The incomparable Demi Moore is here to show us who died

10:37 You do get the sense that Hollywood is expecting James Cameron’s technical geegawry to save them all …

10:36 Avatar wins for best cinematography! I thought they didn’t use cameras in that movie or something? Or didn’t use film? (? Something technical like that?)

10:35 Cinematography: Avatar / Harry Potter / Hurt Locker / Ingl. Basterds / White Ribbon(!?!)

10:34 We’re back at the Oscars! Hollywood’s night to shine … here comes Sandra Bullock as introduced by smarmy white-head Steve Martin … “Boo-hoo, Sandra Bullock doesn’t contribute to Shouts & Murmurs so I can be snarky about her”

10:33 Oh snap, that british chef is about to make everybody get skinny and eat vegetables? DO THIS

10:32 “Choose Celibacy, Not Yaz.” That’s my new motto to all ladies.

10:32 Are you kidding me, they really made a birth-control pill called “Yaz?” Hoo boy.

10:31 This commercial is about throwing away your Coke and then somebody else drinks it because it’s liquid garbage

10:30 Coming up: Sandra Bullock and the hottest dance troupe on TV

10:29 Am I the only one who literally could not bring himself to see this movie because of Brad Pitt’s voice?

10:29 John Travolta is about to describe Ingloirous Bedheads …

10:28 The lady from 40 Year Old Virgin is about to announce some technical awards …

10:26 Whoa whoa slow down they already got another list of nominees going … what award is this? I check Ebert’s twitter feed for ten seconds and now I’m lost … the Hurt Locker just won AGAIN, the guy is giving back-to-back speeches!!! That is fuckin soooo bad-ass. This must be another sound-related award: Ah, Sound Mixing award! “This is the crowning achievement of my career” — classiest thing to say during your Oscars acceptance speech

10:24 best sound noms: Avatar/hurt locker/inglor. basterds/SOMETHING I MISSED/ Up … winner is HURT LOCKER (movie about the guys who opened Baghdad’s first Foot Locker)

10:23 You gotta be kidding me, with this documentary about sound-editing. They really record all those new sounds and then mix them together to make one sound-track to an action sequence? No wonder movies cost a trillion dollars to make

10:22 Too beautiful kids … don’t know their names … here comes Morgan Freeman doing a voice-over about sound-editing and mixing (“Why don’t you mix my voice into every single thing currently being broadcast on television?”) (my little joke)

10:20 Kill Everyone with your Chainsaw … the Dolls are Alive … Dreaming of Murder … Blood and Gore Will Cleanse Your Soul … The Baby is Satan … I break your feet … eat a rat for dinner … big-ass freaky ears and eyes … Frankenstein wants a kiss … the Headless Horseman rides again … Alfred Hitchock’s “Too Many Birds” … screaming and yelling … people staring at each other …long hallways with kids in ’em … I see dead people … bloody monsters that you have to kiss … blood coming out of elevators … rats and mucus … mouths and teeth … AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS HORROR

10:19 Everyone Must Die in a Maestrom of Terror and Violence …

10:19 The Oscars Tribute to Horror …

10:14 Hyundai goes deep: “If you could drive any car you wanted, would you choose yours?” aka “Sometimes when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you”

10:13 iPad commercial … it looks like a big iPhone that you put in your lap. Hip rock music in this commercial … guess it’s time for me to buy an iPad (LOL)

10:12 Charleze Theron describes Oscar-nominated PRECIOUS … film clips to follow …

10:11 Snap, “I already have two of these (Oscars)” and then she dedicates it to “All the little schlubs who don’t get to design costumes for movies about dead queens”

10:10 The Young Victoria! Hoo boy, this lady brought her A-game, vis-a-vis “Lemme wear something freaky to the Oscars”

10:10 Nominees are: Bright Star (saw this with my dad) / Coco is Chanel(?) / Imagnarium of Dr. Doom / Nine the Musical by Precious / Young Victoria … winner is …

10:09 Tom Ford (fashion marketer) and Sarah jessica Parker (from Sex my City) are here to present the award for CRAZIEST COSTUME IN A MOVIE

10:08 Steve Martin makin’ ’em laugh in that horrible way that happens sometimes

10:07 Okay, lemme hear what these nerds have to say “Jim Cameron, this Oscar sees you” — was the production of Avatar a cult, or something? What’s up with these people? Now we got this one guy talking about how his doctor thought he would die??? What the heck is going on with the super-intense acceptance speeches tonight?

10:06 Winner is: AVATAR, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA IN 3-D for best art direction

10:05 SIgourney Weaver is here, wearing a red dress with only one shoulder on it … she has style and finesse, if you ask me … Nominees for best Art Direction in a Movie: Avatar / Imaginarium of Dr. Something-or-other / Nine, the Musical / Sherlock Holmes (as in “Holmes, I hope you didn’t see that Sherlock movie”) / and one othe rmovie I didn’t catch

10:05 Oh, it was a Dancing with the Stars commercial

10:04 Sometimes I can’t even tell what a commercial is trying to tell me

10:03 Hippest JC Penney commercial ever

10:02 Coming up: A salute to horror films? Sounds good to me!

10:02 Now they’re summarizing An Education, the movie about the love affair in England