Oscars Liveblogging, Part III

12:03 See you next time … at the OSCARS!

12:02 I guess that’s it. We thank all the Hollywood stars for helping us escape the fact that life is an inexorable march towards spiritual ruin and the grave.

12:01 Steve Martin won’t let go of Bigelow’s Oscar. Leave her alone!

11:59 Well, I guess I was wrong about Hurt Locker not winning. Tom Hanks just stomped all over my theory. Hurt Locker wins the night … they own Hollywood tonight … they are the future … Katherine Bigelow is stunned …

11:58 Whoa, goddamn, he didn’t waste NO KIND OF TIME with that. Hurt Locker wins best picture

11:58 Tom Hanks is on the stage, to present an award for “Best Ten Pictures.”

11:57 Does this mean Hurt Locker wins best picture? I’m not so sure … I think we might see a little surprise in the next few minutes …

11:56 She’s a director but she looks like a movie star! She’s stoked. She’s really stoked, I bet.

11:55 BIGELOW wins best director. First woman to ever win a best director award, according to the news

11:54 Really hoping Reitman doesn’t win

11:52 Best Director award is here at last! James Cameron (Avatar) / Katherine Bigelow (Hurt Locker) / Quentin Tarantino (Bastards) / Lee Daniels (Precious) / Jason Reitman (Up in the Air) …

11:52 Here comes “Babs,” the famous Barbra Streisand, to present an award or make an announcement or something

11:50 Isn’t it about some rich lady who saves some poor kid and makes him play football all the time for her personal gain? “Moms that take care of babies and children no matter where they come from”– her summary of the film. Oh shit, something deep is happening … she’s talking about some mother-figure from her past … the lady who taught her there’s “no race, no class system” … she LIED to you, Sandra!

11:49 Do I need to see this “Blind Side” movie? It looked offensive and stupid to me.

11:48 Huh


11:47 Sean Penn, Hollywood’s bad boy, is here to present the nomination for Best Women in Hollywood … I have no idea who’s winning this one (probably Streep, though, right?) …

11:45 Stanley Tucci on Meryl Streep. Look, I love Streep hard-core. Nobody conveys pleasure better than her. (Did you see in It’s Complicated, when she toked a joint and got high? It was so good.) But she doesn’t need this Oscar …

11:42 Peter Sarsgaard re: Kerry Mulligan from An Education … she looks a little too waif-y for me … did you see that Vanity Fair cover of all the “hot young hollywood starlets?” It looked like a goth-girl anorexia poster … okay, here’s the big-guns: Oprah Winfrey talking about the girl from Precious … whoa, why did Oprah call it “our movie Precious?” I thought she only came on as producer after the movie was finished? Does a producer get to drop an “our” for a movie after the fact? Hmm, I better call my Hollywood friend (Brad Pitt) and ask him …

11:40 Here come a bunch of stars to tell us about the actresses … get ready … first up? (They’re playing “Moon River,” one of my favorite melodies) … Okay, here’s Forrest Whittaker (sp) talking about Sandra Bullock … dude if Sandra wins this, we have a Code-Red upset on hour hands … somethign sounds weird on my television, like there’s a helicopter in the auditorium … okay, here’s some British dude talking about Helen Mirren, one of the sexiest ladies on earth, with no question … umm, and by the way, if you’ve never checked Helen Mirren’s twitter account, you should do that, esp. the first tweets, it couldn’t be cuter …

11:39 BEST ACTRESS montage … all the great women of Hollywood in one place … so much talent, so much star power …

11:35 Jeff Bridges is winning right now. He is winning. he is the best. I am on the other side now. He is the greatest. Give him every award in the world. Just please keep talking, Jeff Bridges! WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM STOP TALKING

11:34 Oh dude, Jeff Bridges is verrrrrry high on drugs. Could it be the drugs of victory? Or did he smoke a fat bong right before the award was announced? Or maybe he’s just a spacey-west-coast dude, and this is how he acts all the time??? OH DUDE, I JUST STARTED FEELING HIM REALLLLLY HARD … please Jeff Bridges, please please come to my next party and stand around telling me how awesome everyone is!!!

11:33 Jeff Bridges gets a standing O! He’s acting buzzed. Is he a doper? I bet he is. Acting: “A groovy profession.” Yeah, that means he smokes mary-jah-wonnah. Take your hand out of your pocket, though, brah. It looks like you don’t really care. Though, again, that could be the marijuana in his bloodstream.

11:32 And the winner is …Jeff Bridges for “Crazy Hard: A Country Porno”

11:31 Kate Winslet, now, to present the award for Best Man in Hollywood …

11:30 Colin Farrell is talking up the guy from Hurt Locker, Jeremy Renner (sp)? You know what? I hope this Renner guy wins the award. Shit, I was feeling him in 28 Weeks Later, let alone Hurt Locker!

11:29 Tim Robbins talking about Morgan Freeman. Funny story that makes us all laugh … “Just guys, doing their thing.” … Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela is Oscar-bait to the 100th power, but is it enough?

11:27 Now Julienne Moore is talkign about Colin Firth and his performance in “A Single Man.” She loves him. All these actresses who are talking about their male costars are in love with them. Or is it that they’re such good actresses, they merely ACT as though they’re in love with ’em? Am I being hornswoggled?

11:26 Now Verma Fermiglia is talking about George Clooney. They were in a movie together called “Up in the Air,” about a man who lives in an airport and kisses all the ladies … Serious question: Is George Clooney a good actor? I would like to ask a professional actor about whether George Clooney is a good actor. Damn, now she’s loving on George pretty hardcore.

11:24 behold this phalanx of unstoppable movie stars, here to present an award (I think)– Michelle Pfeiffer, telling a story about Jeff Bridges. She really likes Jeff Bridges and I think maybe they must have slept together once b/c she’s looking at him with deep affection and talking about his beautiful daughters and his strong marriage … it’s killing her, that she couldn’t have his heart …

11:23 Best actor montage … here are the greatest male performances of the year … if you have a problem with it, go to acting school and try to get your ass in a movie and win an award, that’s all I have to say

11:19 Kathy Bates just bit her tongue and talked up Avatar, the famous movie that cost all the money in the world and then made all the money in the world

11:18 Why is Alec Baldwin playing straight man to Steve Martin? That must be why he seems unhappy/bored.

11:17 LOL, I see that I typed it below as “The Secret in their Ears.” For the record, it’s “The Secret in Their Eyes.” You can’t have a secret in an ear.

11:16 WINNER IS THE SECRET IN THEIR EYES!!!! WTF, big-time! never heard of this movie in my life!!!

11:15 Nominees: (Missed the first one) / Milk of Sorrow / A Prophet (dude I am stoked to see this one, I heard it’s bad-ass) / The Secret in their Ears (special award for “Most Movie-Title Title Ever”) / White Ribbon by Ol’ Dirty Haneke

11:15 Best foreign language film with Pedro ALamxador and Quentin Tarantino…

11:14 Is Alec Baldwin happy to be here, or not? He seems pretty bored.

11:13 I think I burned my mouth on the rice and beans … could it be the heat being generated by all the Hollywood star power? …

11:12 Skechers advertisement about those shoes that have rocking chairs on the bottom so you can get in shape just by walking around