Apparently, in 6th grade or thereabouts, I wrote a short play called “DOOM DUST.”
Selection:
JARM: How can I get out (of the prison planet)? ISK: There is a passage Hunngggghh! JARM: The dust! Calm down! ISK: Passage in a rock Akkglllk! JARM: Don’t talk! ISK: That rock there Hnmmkgkk! JARM: Shut up! ISK: Press the top and Eggklh! You will see an opening Vsstht! JARM: Wait!!!! Narrator: Reaching into his suit Jarm removes a tiny capsule. JARM (Desperate): Eat this!! Narrator: Isk does as he is told. ISK: (Talking calmly): Go down the passageway from there you will warp back to 1983. Ahhhgllk!
It’s spring cleaning time, and I just found a manila envelope filled with junk from my elementary school days. Check out these two poems … I think I wrote them in 6th grade:
If you can’t read my handwriting, the poems are:
Cigarette.
Ugly and grotesque.
Puffing up pollution.
Why can’t you be replaced by gum.
Death.
Lonely and scary.
Drifting in to unsuspecting victims.
Must you be so sudden?
I guess the assignment was to write the most depressing poems possible, making sure that each poem ends with a question that speaks to the futility of existence?
“Why can’t you be replaced by gum.”
I also found a short story I wrote in which I am the 11-year-old President of the United States and I’m visited by an arms dealer who tries to sell me weapons and I just make wisecracks until he “looked at me as if he wanted to kill me.” Maybe I’ll serialize it later this week.
I just noticed that it’s been raining non-stop for like 5 weeks. I’m not even kidding. My relationship with my sump pump has entered a more profound level of intimacy and trust.
Hell, I might as well list some other things I’ve noticed recently:
1. The Pope is a freak.
2. Whole-wheat cornbread tastes good if you let go of society’s prejudices about cornbread.
3. The best podcast in the world is “Philosophy Bites.”
4. It’s hard to motivate yourself to swim when the entire world is already sopping wet.
5. “Chicken Battle 2000” is the greatest work of art ever. (More on this soon!)
I’m listening to the song “In A Big Country” by the band Big Country and I’m really enjoying it. If you can, listen to it on a good stereo and pay attention to the bass.
I thought I had strep throat so I went to the doctor. They did a strep-throat test and it was negative. I was positively gobsmacked — for the love of God, if this wasn’t strep throat, what was? Turns out I have a sore throat.
Then on my way out of the doctor’s office, I heard “Let the Music Play,” by Shannon, one of my top favorite jams of all time.
And that’s what life is like for America’s favorite blogger, i.e. ME.
Okay folks, this is going to be our biggest comedy show yet. Our goal is to make Beacon, NY the hottest comedy town in America.
Please come out for this night of hilarity. Charter a bus from New York City with your friends. Rent a limo and drive up from Westchester. Steal a helicopter and fly in from Texas. Use your teleportation ring and zap in from South Dakota.
Patrick Borelli is very funny. So is Sam Anderson. I’m not sure about this Count Andrew “Dice” Dracula guy, but my friends insist he’s funny. We’ll also have special guests and a brief charity auction and all sorts of fun stuff. Be there or be squashed.
Not sure how to talk about this video. I think it’s a product of deep and abiding love. Just watch it. Watch him. Love him. Worry about him. (Video has an elegiac air that makes me nervous/sad.) Wish you knew him. Wonder how you can be more like him. Strategize about how to take the spirit of 0:05 and 0:11 and incorporate it into your life (without necessarily incorporating 0:28, maybe)…
Because goddamn, people, this guy looks incandescent. Check out 1:19 are you out of your mind with how AWESOME that looks? How are some folks able to make motions like that and they just break your heart with how gorgeous it is? Are you seriously telling me you’re not inventing a time machine to figure out how to go back in time so you can be at these parties with this guy? What about the scene when he’s at the beach???
ARRRGGGH FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! WE’RE BACK IN BUSINESS, PEOPLE
Okay, basically this video isn’t a true 2nd place video … but there’s one element of this video that is pure champ. material … so it gets the bump to 2nd place … and that one amazing element is — well, let’s see if you can figure it out … pay attention to 3:24, 3:40, 3:58 (which is about when the cameraman wakes the fuck up and realizes where the real story lies) and (for a brief glorious flash) at 5:58 … and then maybe you wanna check out 6:37 …
Woo-hoo, so good! Are teenagers cooler than they used to be? That guy looks like he’s having fun in a way I don’t even think we had back when I was a teenager. He’s chillin’ soooo hard with his bass. He probably doesn’t even know he’s playing in front of the whole school at the big assembly … he’s like, “Another day, another chance to play my bass and groove to the music. It’s all good. Someday I’m gonna be a professional bass player and make a lot of money and travel all over the world. What time is it? It’s time to move my finger from this fret to that fret … here we go … hell yeah, I freakin’ nailed it. Ladies and gentlemen, I enjoy playing the bass.”
A guy like that has long coattails, y’know? This video just rode on some serious emo bass-player coattails. And I dare Republicans to try to obstruct this dude … he will crush Mitch McConnell like a bug.
Okay, we’re nearing the end of this week’s Friday Face-Offs! WINNING VIDEO IS NEXT
By the way, I just realized: This is the 20th Friday Face-Offs! Can you believe it? Twenty great face-offs in the history books … and yet it’s still the greatest thing to happen to the internet since sliced bread.
