I’m having a hard time choosing between all the “Firework” drums covers, so let’s have a smorgasbord.

First, this guy:

Rocking the big-ass Gretsch kick drum! Enough with all those tiny-ass tubular kick drums that look like floor toms lying on their sides — my man is bringing the big ol’ Bonham kick.

It was during the first build-up (1:00) that I started to worry about the fate of that ride cymbal. He’s getting so into that build-up, beating up on that snare so hard, I was like, “That poor ride cymbal is about to get demolished.”

(1:15) I was right. As always. (I’m really good at predicting whether a drummer is about to go completely ape-shit during a song’s chorus, and I’m especially good at knowing exactly which drums and cymbals are in for a rough ride. Somebody please tell the Macarthur Foundation about this amazing talent of mine.)

But as much as I like watching ride cymbals getting knocked around the room, my favorite moment in this video is (2:39) — watch his face. That is the face of a young man finally realizing just exactly how freakin’ hard he is rocking.

Next we have this young woman:

For me, it’s all about (0:50 – 0:55). When she reaches behind her, you know she’s turning the music up.

Umm, I wonder if any shy emo-boys at her school are in love with her very much? “I really like the color of your drum set. Do you want to maybe, like to, umm, go record shopping at the college town 80 miles southeast of where we live? Or maybe we could just study for Ms. Lambert’s trigonometry test.”

Then there’s this fellow:

I was sad that he did the first build-up on cymbals instead of on the snare. I was thinking, “Oh man, why waste such a great crescendo on a bunch of swishy-swashiness?” Well, I guess he heard me, because the next build-up is preeeeeety bad! (2:00) Arrggggh why weren’t his toms mic’d???

And now, our final drum cover. It’s grown-up time.

I know, I know: He makes bad build-up choices. He just messes around on the cymbals instead of whippin’ ass on the snare. But really, how are you not loving this guy? This guy is the guy you want in your band. Practice scheduled for 3:30? “I’ll be there at 3:15.” Also: “Do you guys mind if I play my balls off for three hours and never break a sweat? Because that’s kinda my style.” Look at how freakin’ focused the wear on his snare drum is. He’s hitting it in the exact same spot every time. HE DROPS A DOUBLE-KICK-DRUM INTO “FIREWORK,” FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE CROWN HIM THE KING OF ROCK & ROLL ALREADY???

Well guys, it took a while, but I finally found the coolest person on the internet.

SPOILER: “Firework” by Katy Perry is comprised of four chords, and they’re all pretty standard chords, and you might even be familiar with them from other pop songs. (Sorry to burst your bubble, all you jazzheads who were hoping to see a bunch of diminished ninth fraction-chords.)

Anyway, after watching this video, you no longer have any excuse not to play “Firework” at your next campfire/hootenanny/John Zorn tribute band rehearsal.

I’m not gonna lie — this is how I learned how to play “Firework.” So sue me, I have a horrible ear and I can never tell how the heck all those crazy pop-kids make their wacky music!

Anyhoo, this woman is totally lovely and charming and I think she should be president of America for at least 1,000 years.

Friday Face-Offs: EACH ONE, TEACH ONE.

Celtic harp time!

Oh I’m sorry, did you not like that particular Celtic harp version of “Firework?” Okay, then, try this one:

Now can I ask my question about harps? How the hell do people learn how to play them? Seriously. Harps have like 100 strings on them. They have more things to keep track of than any other instrument. It’s crazy.

People think trumpets are so great, and so hard to play: “I can’t believe how talented Wynton Marsalis is, playing the trumpet.” PLEASE. Look at a trumpet:

How many buttons does a trumpet have? Three? Wow, three whole buttons to press! How will I ever keep track of all those buttons? If a trumpet was a harp, it would have 100 buttons and be the size of nine tubas welded together. Harps are crazy and anyone who can play one is a musical genius. And a firework. You know I’m right. THE END.

Friday Firework-Offs! Next video coming up soon …

BOOM! Fireworks exploding every which way!!! Fireworks made out of HEAVY METAL, that is!

I think my favorite thing about this video is the right-hand sector of the quadrant, where the guys just stand around looking like total bad-asses for 90% of the video, while their harder-working doppelgangers over on the left-hand side do all the work.

Oh, and also how rocking it is. Especially the singer. I think he’s singing “European metal style.” Seriously, this is good and you should listen to it so as to expand your horizons:

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS! Baby, you’re a firework.

Friday Face-Offs is BACK!!! Enough pencil sharpening, enough restaurant-show recapping, enough Relationshaping … let’s do this!!!

I’m still feeling guilty about the last Friday Face-Offs. Yes I have read everyone’s feedback. “Replay” was not the best choice for a FFO. From now on, I will only choose the most butt-kickin’ jams to celebrate!

To that end …

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!

This week’s song is “Firework” by Katy Perry. Listen to the original here:

Ladies and gentlemen, I am still in the midst of the long, torturous process of making my peace with Katy Perry. But I can’t let my unresolved issues re: Ms. Kerry’s oeuvre and sensibility blind me to the fact that “Firework” is a pop masterpiece. (How many hit songs have the confidence to let the drums completely drop out for multiple measures? That’s balls.) A few months ago I was at a bar with some friends and everyone was dancing to pop hits and then “Firework” came on and everyone started jumping up and down and singing along and I was like, “Ohhhh shit, we got a stone jam in here,” and it was really fun. And also I think the song is about how when you’re a teenager and everyone’s giving you shit, you should just believe in yourself and explode lightning out of your chest and live your life however you want. I can get behind that message. (For teenagers only, though, not for adults. Adults have to be normal.)

Anyway, it’s a great song and I’ve got some incredible cover versions lined up for you, so yes I am the best blogger! Thank you, thank you!

FRIDAY FACE-OFFS!!! FIRST VIDEO IS NEXT, COMING UP REAL SOON!!!